Marietta is on the phone with Kate and Ellie.
Kate: Are you guys as swamped with getting ready for there holidays as I am?
Ellie: No, but that’s just because no one on earth is. Disney World puts out less decorations than you do.
Kate: What can I say? I love Jesus.
Marietta: Thankfully, I have a little helper with my decorations now. I told Sarah she could either remain unemployed or decorate the house and I learned just how fast she could run.
Kate: But is she going to decorate with care and precision?
Ellie: Who the hell cares? It’s all going to look tacky and garish, is that not the point?
Kate: Not the way I decorate!
Ellie: I forgot, you think you live at the Biltmore. You’re the picture of class and sophistication.
Kate: I’ve never said that.
Ellie: Why are we arguing about Christmas decorations?
Kate: You started it!
Ellie: No, you did!
Kate: I mentioned Christmas decorations first, then you started putting words in my mouth.
Marietta: Hey, ladies! This is not worth breaking up over! Stop the bickering!
Kate: We’re not “breaking up.” I couldn’t dump her if I wanted to, the caucus elected her.
Ellie: Is that all I am to you, your whip? Your second-in-command?
Kate: You’re also my best friend, for whatever reason.
Ellie: That’s what I wanted to hear!
Marietta: So, anyway, it’s nice to have holiday help. Ellie, how’s your decorating coming?
Ellie: The house is done, I now have to finish my non-denominational office holiday decorating.
Marietta: Why non-denominational? Everyone knows you’re a Christian.
Ellie: Yes, but I like to make people feel included.
Marietta: That’s nice I suppose.
Ellie: I call it a holiday tree, it’s really the same thing except there are little menorahs and dreidels and pictures of Barbra Streisand on it.
Marietta: Barbra Streisand?
Ellie: She’s like the Santa Claus of Hanukkah, no?
Kate: I think that’s Adam Sandler, actually.
Ellie: Oh, he’s on there too.
Marietta: Sounds like a lovely tree. Can we discuss something else?
Ellie: Don’t know why you’d want to.
Kate: Anyone watch anything good lately?
Tammy: Marietta, we have to get on the road.
Marietta: Sorry, girls! I have somewhere to get to!
Kate: Can I come?
Marietta: I mean, if you’re in the area.
Kate: I’m just kidding, I wanted an excuse to get off this damn call.
Ellie: You could have just made up some lie. That would have spared my feelings.
Kate: Sorry. I have to go grocery shopping.
Ellie: You have to lie before you announce that you’re going to lie.
Marietta: Okay, I’m going to let you two sort this out. I’m going to go before I’m late.
Kate: Talk later! Love ya!
Marietta: Love you two, both of you.
Marietta hangs up.
Tammy: Come on, we’ve gotta get to Jackson!
Henrietta: Oh, are you going on a date! That’s great!
Amy: You think they’re going together on a date with some man named Jackson? Just to remind you, Tammy was the First Lady of the United States.
Henrietta: I don’t know if Tammy’s gonna be Marietta’s designated driver.
Tammy: We’re going to the Mississippi Attorney General’s retirement party.
Henrietta: Oh! Uh… why?
Marietta: He’s the last Democratic statewide official in Mississippi, it’s sort of the end of an era. He and I go way back, he’s been in office since the nineties. He was a big help in my first re-election campaign, his election helped remind our party to not give up on the South.
Amy: And look at the South now! Milton’s a senator, Georgia is blue -
Marietta: And Mississippi has gone to the dark side of the Force.
Tammy: Anyway, lovely trip down memory lane, now let’s get to that party before it’s over and we miss the dying breath of the Mississippi Democratic Party.
Henrietta: When will you be back? Tonight or tomorrow?
Amy: Tomorrow.
Henrietta: You say that like you’re going with.
Amy: Oh, I am!
Henrietta: You’re all leaving me here alone and forgot to tell me?
Tammy: Moira is down the hall to keep you company if you need it! Now, we’re gonna get out of here, see you bright and early tomorrow! Try to get those papers filed if you can!
Henrietta: Will do…
Tammy: Thanks! You’re a doll!
One hour later…
Marietta: My mom is calling.
Tammy: How do you know? You’re driving and your phone’s in your pocket.
Marietta: I just sense it. It’s a feeling in my soul, that woman is on the phone right now.
Amy: That’s creepy.
Marietta: Anyway, Tammy, stick your hand in my pocket and grab the phone.
Tammy: Your back pocket? You want me to grab your ass?
Marietta: Don’t make it sound sexual! I want you to get my phone from my pocket!
Amy: Oh, it’s getting steamy in here!
Marietta: Would you shut up?
Amy: No, I don’t think I will!
Marietta: You are so annoying!
Tammy: Which pocket is it in?
Marietta: The one that’s buzzing!
Tammy: I’m trying not to ogle your rear! Which one is it?
Marietta: The right. And you can’t even see my ass, it’s pressed against the seat!
Tammy: Still!
Marietta: Pick it up before the ring stops! And put it on speakerphone.
Tammy: You’re so bossy!
Marietta: Well, I am your boss.
Amy: You two are like an old married couple.
Marietta: Answer the phone!
Tammy answers the phone.
Patty Lynn: Hello! Hello?
Tammy: We’re here!
Patty Lynn: Tammy? What happened to Marietta?
Tammy: She’s driving, Patty Lynn.
Patty Lynn: Put me on speaker!
Marietta: You are, mom!
Patty Lynn: Then why did Tammy talk to me first? I was very confused!
Kathleen: See, this is why people don’t answer the phone when you call.
Patty Lynn: That’s not true.
Kathleen: Uh-huh.
Marietta: I love talking with you, mom, but we’re driving and we were listening to Whitney Houston and were just about to get to that point in I Will Always Love You, so if you have nothing to say…
Patty Lynn: It’s about Sarah.
Marietta: Its always is! You know, Milton is her actual parent. When we’re both out of town, don’t you think he’s the better choice to give a ring about her behavior?
Patty Lynn: It’s about something she claims you told her.
Amy: No, she can’t drink booze.
Marietta: I don’t know why Amy feel strongly enough to answer that question for me before it was even asked of me, but yeah, no booze.
Patty Lynn: Trust me, that was not on the table. No, she says you told her she can sleep at your place alone rather than using our guest room tonight since it’s only one night.
Marietta: Oh, hell no.
Patty Lynn: I thought so. She’s getting grounded!
Martin: She’s an adult, Pa-
Patty Lynn: Grounded!
Sarah: What? I never said she told me it was okay! I said to ask her if it was!
Patty Lynn: I don’t remember it that way at all, you’re still grounded.
Sarah: This is absolute BS!
Patty Lynn: Backtalk? You want to get grounded for even longer? I’ll do it!
Marietta: Mom, let the girl live.
Patty Lynn: Why would I do that?
Marietta: My god, please be normal!
Kathleen: Again, why would she do that?
Marietta: I don’t know, can’t get blood from a stone. Just try not to be too harsh on her, mom. I’ll be mad if I come home tomorrow and hear bad things from her!
Patty Lynn: Why are you all doubting my parenting skills?
Marietta: I’m not, I just want to get off the phone. Let the girl live a little, and by that, I mean keep her in your house until I get home, but also let her have some freedom. See you tomorrow, bye!
Marietta hangs up.
Marietta: Can’t get a minute’s freakin’ peace with these people.
Tammy: She definitely grounded Sarah for something she was innocent of, right? We all agree there?
Amy: One hundred percent.
Marietta: Trust me, being grounded by my mother isn’t that big of a deal. She’ll forget she’s grounded her within ten minutes. Now, back to focusing on our big trip!
Tammy: We’re going to Mississippi, don’t hype it up too much.
Marietta: Why must you always be so negative?
Tammy: I’m not trying to be negative, I’m just pointing out that we’re attending a retirement party in Mississippi, not going to Disney World or an Olivia Rodrigo concert.
Amy: I’m still hoping Don lied to me about not getting tickets to that and that they’re my secret Christmas gift. I’m going to be sorely disappointed if not.
Tammy: I have a bad feeling you’re in for disappointment. No way that man was able to successfully fend off all those teenage girls to get you tickets.
Amy: Do you think I could steal Henrietta’s tickets?
Marietta: Why are we talking about this?
Amy: It’s a two-and-a-half hour drive, we have to talk about something!
Marietta: We don’t have to fill every moment with the sound of our own voices. Sometimes, it’s okay to be silent.
Amy: Nah.
Ninety minutes later…
Tammy: Thank god we’re out of that car.
Amy: Yeah, General MacArthur runs a tight ship!
Marietta: I’m not that bad!
Amy You barely let us speak for the entire second half of the drive.
Marietta: My mother emotionally drains me, what can I say?
Amy: Well, we’re here now, so we can move on. Where is this party?
Marietta: I don’t know, this is the address he gave me.
Tammy: We’re two hours early. Why did we leave so early?
Marietta: I didn’t want to miss it!
Tammy: Good lord. I could have teased my hair! I look a mess!
Marietta: You look fine!
Tammy: I look like I was traveling for three hours after working for six hours. Probably because that’s what I’ve been doing.
Marietta: Here’s a comb. That’s really all you need to fix that.
Tammy: It’s flat. I need volume.
Marietta: My god, Tammy! You’re going to an old man’s retirement party, not the damn Oscars!
Tammy: I think you’re forgetting that I am incredibly famous. I’ll be photographed!
Man: Old man? Pardon me?
Marietta: Jerry Reed! How ya doing, man?
Jerry: Much better now that I know I’ve got my freedom back! The stress of this job is enormous. Do you know how hard it is to be an elected Democrat in Mississippi?
Marietta: I was an elected Democrat in Louisiana, I’m well aware.
Jerry: We held on as long as we could’ve, didn’t we?
Marietta: Hey, you retired. I went down swinging.
Jerry: You think I went willingly? I saw the polls!
Marietta: So did I. I was winning in those until the race actually started!
Jerry: Well now Milton’s got your job, so the Louisiana Democrats aren’t fully dead!
Marietta: He sure does have my job, but I have his, so it balances out.
Jerry: I invited Milton too, he said he was busy but he’d try to make it.
Marietta: Oh! He didn’t tell me that.
Tammy: Hello! FLOTUS over here!
Jerry: Madam First Lady, it’s great to finally meet you in person. Your husband and I used to talk quite a bit about civil right litigation when he was President. He talked about you so much, it was like I knew you.
Tammy: It’s funny, because now that we spend so much time together, he is completely sick of me and never brags about me to anyone.
Jerry: I’m sure that’s not true.
Amy: If you knew them well, you’d know it’s entirely the truth.
Marietta: Oh, I’m such an idiot!
Amy: Agreed.
Marietta: Jerry, I forgot to introduce the two of you. This is my press secretary and communications director, Amy Applewhite.
Jerry: What a fun name!
Amy: Don’t flirt, I’m married.
Marietta: Don’t mind her, her mind’s been in the gutter all day.
Amy: I was watching The Golden Bachelor last night. Those seniors are -
Marietta: Anyway, how fun is this? The two of us together again!
Jerry: If I’m being honest, I was sort of surprised to see you here already. The party doesn’t start for hours.
Marietta: It’s a pretty long drive, we had to get out early just to make sure we made it on time. You never know when traffic will hit!
Tammy: I think, if I’m being honest here, that we left a bit too early.
Jerry: Nonsense! More time to catch up is great! Plus, you can help us set up!
Tammy: Yes, help set up! Fun!
Amy: Ah, don’t get your knickers in a twist.
Tammy: Are you ninety years old?
Amy: No, but you are.
Marietta: Jerry, do you see what I put up with? Is it not amazing that I’m even able to get up in the morning?
Jerry: They’re fun!
Marietta: Not the word I’d use.
Amy: You wouldn’t have brought us if you didn’t think we were fun! We have no connections to this man!
Tammy: That’s true, we don’t. Sorry, Jerry, you see nice.
Jerry: No offense taken, it’s the truth.
Two hours later…
Milton: Let’s get this party started!
Marietta: Look what the cat dragged in!
Milton: You seem disappointed!
Marietta: You didn’t tell me you were coming!
Milton: I didn’t?
Marietta: No!
Milton: Must have slipped my mind!
Marietta: Yeah right!
Milton: What are you accusing me of?
Marietta: I don’t know, I just think you purposely kept us all in the dark to make your entrance more exciting.
Milton: It’s a retirement party, it’s not like the paparazzi is here.
Jerry: Actually, Politico is here, and they’re basically the political paparazzi!
Milton: That’s true.
Jerry: It’s so good you’re here, though! This is really a reunion of the last Democrats that could win the Delta states.
Marietta: Don’t include me in that, I lost!
Jerry: You won for a long time, and no one has since.
Marietta: Our last two governors did.
Jerry: Gubernatorial races don’t count, your state’s Republican Party only runs weirdos in those.
Marietta: They only run weirdos in the other races, too. It’s just that those weirdos win!
Jerry: Still, this feels like the end of an era. Mississippi is all red, Louisiana is mostly red. It’s a new dawn and a new day.
Milton: Well, thank god for me, right?
Marietta: If I rolled my eyes any harder, they’d pop out of my face.
Milton: Don’t be jealous!
Marietta: I’m gonna go get some cake.
Tammy: Get some of the punch, it’s good!
Amy: Drink less than Tammy did, please. Look at this woman.
Tammy: I’m fine!
Milton: Is she wearing -
Amy: Yep.
Milton: On her hands?
Amy: Yeah.
Milton: That’s unfortunate.
Amy: Like I said, watch the punch intake.
Marietta: Let me just say, my retirement party will not be having spiked punch at it, not with her at it.
Jerry: You’re never retiring. You’ll probably find some way to be President in five years, and they never retire.
Marietta: You flatter me. My campaign manager is that lady, I‘m hanging this up when this term is done. I couldn’t win anything else ever again.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
