The family is sitting around the table eating dinner.
Betty: Big news, guys! Not really for you, but for me.
Jerry: Why are you making a big announcement about it if it only impacts you?
Betty: I find’t say it only impacts me, just that I’m the one who it’s really big news for.
Teri: What’s up, mom?
Betty: Your father and I are going to Maine next week!
Teri: Is that supposed to be news? We go at least once a year.
Betty: Yes, but never for our anniversary.
Cindy: Isn’t that because your anniversary is in January and the average temperature in Maine in January is roughly twenty degrees?
Betty: Look, we need a place to have a nice anniversary together, alone, and we happen to own a vacation home. Why not use it?
Ralph: Because you’re going to freeze to death?
Betty: We are not!
Karl: We could. We probably won’t, though.
Cindy: Look, I get it. I’ve been married for an eternity, I also need some good alone time. I may even be willing to travel into the Antarctic weather in order to achieve that. I mean, think of our living situation. We don’t exactly have much privacy.
Betty: Exactly! It’s a big anniversary!
Frank: What is it, your sixtieth?
Betty: I’m offended you think we’re that old! It’s our fifty-third!
Frank: Is that a big one?
Teri: Twenty-five, fifty, fifty-three, everyone knows those are the big ones! Poor Tammi, her man doesn’t know the major anniversaries!
Frank: I can’t tell if you’re joking or being serious anymore.
Teri: Therein lies the problem.
Betty: Anyway, I didn’t just bring this up because I wanted to brag about my fun vacation. I need some of you to cover for me at the boutique. I’m not asking anyone to work there permanently, just for a week to keep it running. Mitchell and Jerry can’t run it all by themselves.
Ralph: Why don’t you just close it down for the week?
Betty: We can’t lose a whole week of business, not if we’re going to take a family trip later in the year! Every day is important to keep it profitable!
Ralph: Well, it’s not going to be me. Me and retail don’t go together.
Cindy: I have a job, and it’s very time-consuming. Teri’s only part-time.
Teri: Throwing me under the bus? Are you kidding?
Betty: We pay well.
Teri: I’ll do it.
Steven: I can get Alysa to help, too. We get out early all week next week because of parent-teacher conferences, so we can go right after school.
Danielle: You two do everything together, you’re like an old married couple!
Tammi: Yeah! Cute, right?
Danielle: You look like you’re seething with rage.
Tammi: I’m dead inside.
Karl: They’re not like an old married couple at all. They like each other.
Betty: Oh, don’t!
Teri: Wow, even dad is sick of mom. Never though I’d see the day.
Ralph: Well… she is a lot.
Karl: I was making a joke like you all do, don’t make it something it’s not.
Betty: I’m glad we’ve got some people to cover for us. That was the one thing I was panicked about with this trip. Now, my mind is at ease.
Velma: I’m also willing to offer up Mitchell for extra shifts to keep you at ease.
Betty: Oh, don’t worry, Jerry and Mitchell are working every day we’re gone. We need the experts at the helm.
Velma: Ha! Expert!
Mitchell: What’s funny about that?
Velma: No one’s ever called you an expert at anything!
Mitchell: That’s unkind.
Danielle: Sounds like Velma!
The next week…
Betty: Okay, you guys have the keys to the store?
Jerry: Yes.
Betty: And Teri, you understand what you have to do?
Teri: I work at a store, I’m fully aware of how this works.
Betty: Steven, Alysa also knows what to do?
Steven: You gave her a really long explanation last night. It ran way longer than we expected, we had to cancel our date because of it.
Betty: Sorry about that. On the plus side, I saved you from having to go to Applebee’s!
Steven: I like Applebee’s!
Betty: And she still loves you?
Cindy: Mother!
Betty: Sorry, sorry. Your taste in restaurant isn’t that imprint, just know to also take her to other restaurants that aren’t garbage.
Karl: I know where we’re stopping when we leave the airport in Maine!
Betty: Not if you don’t want me to steal the car and leave you in the cold!
Ralph: Old love. It’s sickening, isn’t it?
Teri: It makes me, uh, not sure if marriage is for me.
Ralph: Oh, I’m certain it’s not for me. You can see a little bit of dad’s soul die every day.
Karl: That isn’t true! Not every day. And, when it does die, it’s not because of your mother!
Betty: We have to go now, we’re going to miss the plane!
Karl: The plane leaves at noon. It’s seven.
Betty: And we have a half-hour drive! We’re running late!
Teri: Yeah, that is late. Best get going!
Betty: Remember, the store opens at ten! The posted closing time is five, but if we’ve got customers in there and people keep coming in, let them. Every sale is critical!
Teri: So, run it like it’s a yard sale?
Betty: Exactly!
Ralph: Mom is a business expert. No one can beat her legendary business skills.
Betty: I never said that, I’ve just been doing this a while, so listen to me. Now, I’m off, you all have a great week, I love you. I’ll see you later!
Cindy: Don’t freeze!
Betty: I’ll try my best!
Betty and Karl walk out the door.
Teri: So, what do you think, open at noon today?
Jerry: No! She’ll know!
Teri: How would she know?
Jerry: She has a way.
Mitchell: He’s right.
Jerry: I don’t know how she does it, but she’s borderline psychic.
Teri: Well, she’s full-blown psycho, so that’s something.
Danielle: It’s seven o’clock on a Saturday, what are you people doing up?
Cindy: Mom and dad just left for vacation.
Teri: And some of us have to work today, you’re being insensitive!
Danielle: I didn’t realize that was today!
Teri: Please tell me you’re kidding.
Danielle: No.
Teri: You’d forget your own head if it weren’t attached to your body, good god.
Danielle: Don’t make fun of me!
Teri: But it’s so hard not to sometimes!
Mitchell: Well, I’m going back to bed. I have nowhere to be for three more hours.
Jerry: Velma, make sure he’s up by nine. Scratch that, eight thirty. He’s not going to make us late.
Velma: Don’t worry, he’ll be up!
Later that day…
Alysa: So, how do I work the cash register again?
Teri: Oh my god…
Alysa: Is something wrong?
Teri: Kid, we’ve got five people in line. Steven!
Steven: Yes?
Teri: I know you do freight here, but you’re swapping with your girlfriend. She’s a hot mess.
Steven: I agree, she’s hot.
Teri: That made me nauseous.
Alysa: I thought it was sweet!
Teri: You would. Now, go unpack boxes, we don’t have time to waste.
Jerry: Teri, you’re more like your mom than you’d ever care to admit.
Teri: Don’t ever say that!
Jerry: You run a tight ship, just like her.
Mitchell: Yeah, I’m a little scared of you right now.
Teri: Keep working, no time for chitchat!
Mitchell: Will do, boss!
Jerry: How did she end up in charge?
Mitchell: I don’t know, she’s just the alpha I guess.
Teri: Damn right I am!
Alysa: Am I unpacking these boxes right?
Teri: Not really, but I have to work the register for now so I can’t worry about how bad you’re screwing up.
Alysa: I’ll try harder.
Teri: That’s a start!
One hour later…
Jerry: Oh, good, she’s finally on break.
Alysa: She’s a tyrant!
Jerry: Glad we’re on the same page.
Steven: Grandma Betty is not like that. She criticizes with love.
Jerry: Um, sure.
Steven: She’s definitely more loving than that.
Jerry: Not a difficult feat.
Steven: I don’t get why she thinks she’s in charge. Did grandma Betty put her in charge?
Jerry: I don’t believe so. I mean, she said me and Mitchell were the experts.
Alysa: Speaking objectively, and I’m sorry for how this will sound, that is very funny. I’m apparently terrible at this, and even I make less mistakes than Mitchell.
Mitchell: Okay, enough picking on Mitchell.
Jerry: Why are you talking about yourself in the third person, Bob Dole?
Steven: Should we talk to her about how off-putting she’s being?
Jerry: Oh my god, Steven. You never tell a woman she’s off-putting! She’ll behead you!
Alysa: As a woman… yeah.
Steven: So what should we do?
Jerry: It’s fine. We’ve had tough bosses before, we’ll have tough bosses in the future. She’s not really that bad.
Teri: What are you guys doing? We have work to do!
Jerry: I’ll talk to her.
Steven: Thank you.
Jerry: Uhm, Teri, can we talk in the back?
Teri: And leave the three dummies out there to run the store? You think that’s a good idea?
Jerry: You’re coming on way too strong. You’re pushing some buttons.
Teri: How so?
Jerry: Well, you just called all of them dumb, for one.
Teri: It was completely justified.
Jerry: Eh…
Teri: That’s all? I hurt their feelings a little?
Jerry: There’s that, and also, you’re being so bossy.
Teri: I am not!
Jerry: I feel like I’m back in the Army!
Teri: Come on!
Jerry: If you screamed my last name at me out there, I’d probably reply “Sir, yes, sir!”
Teri: Someone needed to take charge!
Jerry: Not really. We do just fine here every day without one of us turning into Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross.
Teri: I did not do that!
Jerry: Please! I can’t believe you didn’t wheel out a chalkboard to scream at us about how we need to always be closing!
Teri: I just want to make sure mom is content with the jobs we did when she gets back.
Jerry: She’ll be happy so long as we don’t burn the store down.
Teri: I just want to prove my worth, I’m sorry if that was going too far.
Jerry: You don’t have to apologize. Just stop being such a pain in everyone’s ass.
Teri: Got it. Will do.
Jerry: Wait.
Teri: What now?
Jerry: Don’t go out there and immediately change your tune. It’ll seem fake. Plus, we’ve only got an hour until we go home anyway. Ease up on them a bit, sure, but don’t do a complete about-face. It’ll seem fake. Sleep on it and then decide to change your tune a bit.
Teri: So now I have to put on a performance?
Jerry: Please stop being overdramatic.
Teri: I don’t know how to do that.
The next day…
Teri: Yesterday, I got a… we’ll call it a performance review. Apparently, I’ve been overbearing and rude. No more! I’m going to let all of you do your own thing. No matter how much you’re screwing up, the important thing is that I’m not being too bossy.
Jerry: I don’t think anyone sai-
Mitchell: That sounds good to me!
Jerry: Okay, guess someone did.
Teri: I brought morale down last night and I regret it. It’s not happening again! This store will be a happy workplace, I promise.
Steven: Are you sure? That doesn’t seem like something you’d enjoy.
Teri: I’m not a tyrant! I’m a team player. Rules don’t sell things, teamwork does!
Alysa: Did you watch some inspirational videos on YouTube last night or something? You’re talking like a motivational speaker that comes to our school sometimes.
Teri: I just want to boost morale! We’ve got six days left together, we’re gonna make them count! When they get back, they’re going to be shocked by how well we worked together and how much we sold!
Jerry: This is nice. Working together is nice.
Teri: Now, let’s get ready to open!
Mitchell: I thought we weren’t bossing anyone around?
Teri: You thought that was bossy?
Jerry: He doesn’t enjoy anyone telling him to work, Teri.
One week later…
Betty: We’re home!
Karl: Thank god.
Ralph: Was she that bad?
Karl: I froze my ass off! Never again!
Frank: You married the ice queen, surely you’re used to a bit of cold?
Karl: It was horrible! We couldn’t go anywhere or see anything, and then the heat in the house stopped working and we had to wait until the next day for it to be fixed, so we had to go to a hotel for the night.
Betty: Other than that, it was great! Portland is beautiful in the winter!
Karl: It is not.
Betty: It wasn’t that bad! We had some fun!
Cindy: It seems like only you did, mom.
Betty: Is that not what’s important? Speaking of important, how did everything go at the store?
Teri: Great! I was a bit of a bitch the first day, people didn’t like that, but I relaxed and went with he flow and we had the highest sales week in six months, aside from Black Friday.
Betty: It’s almost like the store doesn’t need me to stay afloat. Oh my god… I’m unnecessary.
Ralph: Nice going, Teri!
Teri: No! This is a good thing!
Betty: How is it a good thing?
Teri: We made you money!
Betty: I don’t care about money, I just want to be needed!
Karl: Ignore her, honey. She took a lot of meds on the plane, she’s still a little loopy.
Ralph: And that’s supposed to be a new thing for her?
Karl: Watch it.
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
