Frances walks onto the set of Frances in the Kitchen.
Beverly: Someone’s got a bit of pep in her step!
Frances: Of course I do! It’s our last show of the year!
Marcia: And our Christmas special, don’t forget that!
Frances: Ah, I don’t care about that.
Jane: Gasp!
Marcia: Did you just say “gasp?”
Jane: Yes, is there something wrong about that?
Marcia: It’s no less intelligent than what you usually say, I suppose!
Jane: Thank you!
Beverly: I won’t try to ruin your good mood by talking too much about Christmas -
Frances: I don’t dislike Christmas? Who said I dislike Christmas?
Beverly: You’re acting like a Scrooge.
Frances: I am not!
Beverly: Bah, humbug!
Frances: I’m just more excited to get a little filming break than I am to do yet another Christmas special is all. Nothing against Christmas, I’m just ready for my Hawaiian vacation!
Marcia: You sound like Christmas with the Kranks right now.
Frances: I do not!
Marcia: You’re ditching Christmas for Hawaii!
Frances: Good lord, who made y’all the Christmas police?
Beverly: Y’all? So you’re southern now?
Frances: Can we just get to work? I’m done with this conversation.
Jane: Wait, I just realized we didn’t film the episode yet.
Marcia: How is she real?
Frances: I ask myself that every day.
Dana: Gang, you’re all here!
Marcia: Oh no, does she think she’s par-
Beverly: Dana! Great to see you! Excited for Christmas?
Dana: Well, I’m Jewish, so not really. Excited for your specials, though. I know this is a special time of year for you guys.
Beverly: “You guys?”
Dana: You know, the Christians. Charlie always told me this was his favorite time of year, because you guys always put such great Christmas specials together. Watching them really made his holiday.
Frances: He actually subjected himself to those?
Dana: Do you think we don’t watch your shows?
Frances: I don’t know why you would. I mean, mine is great, but DeAnna’s?
DeAnna: Excuse me?
Marcia: My god, she’s like Beetlejuice!
Frances: It took three utterances of his name to conjure Beetlejuice. She’s an even stronger force of evil.
Marcia: Don’t gas her up too much, she’ll be unbearable.
Frances: When is she not?
Marcia: That’s true.
DeAnna: Is it so wrong to stop in and say hi?
Frances: You didn’t say hi. You just popped up like some sort of ninja.
DeAnna: I was walking in to wish you all a happy holiday, I heard my name mentioned, it distracted me a bit. Is that so bad?
Frances: Everything you do is so bad.
Dana: Okay, enough of this. I’m here on business!
Frances: The worst words in the English language.
Dana: Am I that bad?
Frances: You’re an intimidating presence.
Dana: Me?
Frances: Any time you come here to talk to us, it’s either because I did something wrong or you want something from us!
Dana: I wish I could say I was breaking that tradition today, but -
Beverly: Whatever she did, she’s sorry and she promises to get today’s episode delivered promptly as an apology.
Dana: She didn’t do anything wrong.
DeAnna: I’d beg to differ.
Frances: Whatever you want, the answer’s no! I’m leaving for Hawaii for my holiday vacation in just a few days.
Dana: That’s precisely why I’m here!
Frances: That’s why I’m worried. Don’t ruin my vacation!
Dana: I’m not ruining it.
Beverly: Just in case you say anything concerning… Marcia and I are going to take a few steps back for our own safety.
Frances: I’m not a violent person.
Marcia: The Santa decoration you ran over on the lot yesterday would beg to differ!
Frances: That was an accident!
Marcia: For argument’s sake, I believe you.
Dana: While you’re in Hawaii, I would like you to film a special episode of Frances in the Kitchen. Just one episode. The show’s going to be on hiatus for a whole month and this will be a great gimmick to promote the return.
Frances: You want me to work on my vacation? And how did you even know I was going to be on vacation?
Beverly: I may have… you know.
Frances: Opened your big mouth?
Beverly: That.
Frances: Isn’t DeAnna going on a trip? Did you ask her?
Dana: DeAnna’s staying home for the holidays.
DeAnna: I’d rather spend my time with family than be in some beachside paradise. I can vacation anytime, there’s only one Christmas a year.
Frances: Oh, stick a candy cane in it, you goody-two-shoes!
Dana: I haven’t heard a no.
Frances: How can we do that? No one else from the show is going to Hawaii with me.
Dana: If Beverly and Marcia are willing to fly down to Hawaii after Christmas, we can film on the 27th or something and then you can all enjoy some time in Hawaii. In fact, the show will pay for it, and we’ll pay to extend your stay by a day, Frances.
Beverly: Can I go for Christmas? Earl and I could use a fun new holiday experience. We were just going to be alone anyway.
Marcia: Yeah, I’d like to go, too. I mean, we usually spend Christmas with Frances, and then she decided to book it to Hawaii without asking if I wanted to go.
Frances: I didn’t think you’d want to! I wanted to go to Colorado last year and you said no, so we stayed home.
Marcia: It’s cold in Colorado! It’s warm in Hawaii!
Frances: Well, it’s being corrected now. We’ll all spend Christmas together.
Jane: What about me?
Frances: You were always coming, remember?
Jane: Oh, right!
Marcia: She was?
Frances: Let’s not get into this right now.
Dana: So, all plans are in place. It’s gonna be great! Merry Christmas, girls, good luck on your special!
Later that night…
Louise: Frances! What are you doing home?
Frances: I live here. You don’t, so what are you doing here?
Louise: I was helping Greg pack. You know men.
Frances: I unfortunately do.
Louise: Excited for Hawaii?
Frances sighs.
Louise: That doesn’t sound like a yes.
Frances: I was previously more excited. I have now been railroaded into working over my vacation and I am now sad.
Louise: Working? On Christmas?
Frances: No, not on Christmas. A few days after.
Louise: You’re complaining about working a few days after Christmas? Most people work then.
Frances: You aren’t.
Louise: Yes, because I’ve earned my vacation!
Frances: So have I!
Greg: Louise! I need help with my underwear!
Frances: That better be in relation to packing.
Louise: It is. Poor thing doesn’t know how to pack at all, it’s like he’s never been on vacation before.
Frances: Packing is usually my job. He’s, uh, challenged.
Louise: I’ve learned.
Frances: So what was this about me not earning my vacation?
Louise: I didn’t say that, but you work in TV. I’m sure whatever work you have to do isn’t really all that much.
Frances: I get that, but I’m still not happy about it. Either way, Beverly and Marcia get to come now, and that’s nice.
Louise: That reminds me! Does Jane remember when we’re leaving?
Frances: I believe so, but we’ll have to keep checking in.
Louise: Besides work, are you excited for Hawaii?
Frances: Of course! Who doesn’t love Hawaii?
Louise: I’ve never been!
Frances: You haven’t? Oh, this will be exciting!
Louise: It’s going to be interesting to spend Christmas there, for sure. By the way, what are you doing about presents? Are you bringing them?
Frances: I guess. It’s Christmas, and we’re going to be at the beach without a Christmas tree. We have to make it feel like Christmas somehow!
Louise: Well, based on how Greg’s packing has gone, you’re going to have to fit all of them in your own suitcase. His will have no room.
Frances: How much is he taking?
Louise: Half his wardrobe.
Frances: We’ll be there ten days!
Louise: Ten? I thought it was nine?
Frances: Oh, the network extended it a day because of the time I’ll spend filming. Merry Christmas, you get another day in Hawaii!
Louise: I believe you mean “Mele Kalikimaka.” And, thank you! I’ll take all the time I can get!
Four days later…
Beverly: Would you look at this, Earl? Hawaii for the holidays!
Jimmy: That sounds like the name of one of those Hallmark movies that Louise is always trying to make me watch.
Louise: I don’t make you watch anything!
Earl: Certainly beats laying on the couch and falling asleep by five!
Marcia: You guys do that? What a waste of a holiday.
Lauren: Hey, uh… where’s Jane?
Frances: JAAAAAANEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Sorry, I always wanted to scream like Catherine O’Hara in Home Alone. Never had a kid of my own to “accidentally” forget at home, so I’ve never had the chance.
Marcia: That’s great. Can we focus on the fact that we’ve misplace a very dumb adult woman?
Frances: She’ll find us, she always does.
Marcia: Will she?
Lauren: Do we even know if she got on the plane?
Jimmy: I had to sit next to her on the plane. She was definitely on it. Six hours of… dear god.
Louise: This is why I drug myself on planes!
Lauren: I thought that was because you were so scared?
Louise: That’s part of it. Mainly, though, it’s to avoid people yapping annoyingly the entire time.
Beverly: What are we going to do?
Greg: We could try going back inside and looking there?
Marcia: But then we’d lose our spot in line for the shuttle!
Greg: Is that worse than losing a whole person?
Marcia: It’s a tossup, really.
Jane: Hey, guys!
Beverly: Oh my god, she died and she’s haunting us.
Marcia: No, you idiot. She managed to find us.
Louise: Smartest thing she’s ever managed to do. Bless her heart.
Marcia: I don’t get how she pulled it off. She’s usually so dumb.
Lauren: Let’s chalk it up to a Christmas miracle.
Marcia: Now to get to that hotel so we can kick off our stay in paradise!
Frances: I’m beat! I ain’t leaving the room.
Louise: But tomorrow’s Christmas Eve! No one’s going to want to go do anything tomorrow, we’ll be celebrating! Today’s our only shot at really seeing the sights!
Marcia: Easy for you to say, you slept for six hours! None of us did, that is so draining!
Beverly: We can go out and about tomorrow. It’s already an untraditional Christmas, we don’t need to spend Christmas Eve doing Christmassy things.
Jimmy: As long as we spend tomorrow listening to the Jimmy Buffett Christmas album, I’m fine with anything.
Frances: I’ll agree to anything that will get me to my hotel room to rest. My knots have knots after that place ride.
Greg: Well, if you didn’t sit so awkwardly…
Jimmy: Happy wife, happy life, Greg!
Greg: I know, I know. I just have to accept her legs on top of mine and her arm resting on my forehead.
Frances: Don’t judge me. Planes do weird things to me.
Two days later, Frances hears a knock at her hotel room door.
Lauren: Aunt Frances! Wake up!
Frances: Oh my god, what time is it?
Lauren: Nine!
Frances: What?
Lauren: We’re all concerned!
Frances: I get it! Greg, why’d you let me sleep this late?
Greg: Huh?
Frances: Oh, the oaf is still asleep, too.
Frances swings her door open.
Frances: Did I ruin Christmas?
Lauren: Not really. We’re all just waiting on you for presents. Mom wants to open them down on the beach for a change of pace. It’s fine though, we’re not kids, we can wait. We got to eat breakfast and drink hot cocoa, so the morning was lovely. It’s weird drinking it when it’s eighty degrees outside. California is warm, but not like this. And I’m used to Michigan.
Frances: Oh my god, presents! I know what I forgot now!
Lauren: You forgot presents?
Frances: Do you think the gift shop is open?
Lauren: I do not.
Frances: Then merry Christmas, you get a coffee stirrer!
Greg: I packed it all in that bag.
Frances: What bag?
Greg: The material one with all the gift boxes and ornaments on it.
Frances: That was supposed to be filled with toys for the toy drive. Jane donated that.
Lauren: Well, knowing Jane, there’s like a 50/50 shot that they’re somehow here in Hawaii.
Louise: Finally, you’re awake!
Frances: We have a Christmergency.
Louise: A what?
Lauren: She left her presents at home.
Louise: What? It was your idea!
Frances: It’s Greg’s fault!
Greg: Like you wouldn’t have forgotten them even if I hadn’t accidentally given them away in the top drive!
Frances: This is why we shouldn’t have gone away for Christmas!
Louise: This was your idea.
Frances: Jimmy forced me into it.
Jimmy: Wow, Frannie, looking good in your Christmas PJs!
Frances: I’m not in a jolly mood right now, so save it!
Lauren: I think we’re all focusing too much on presents. It’s about togetherness.
Jimmy: I can’t wait to see if you outdid yourself this year, Fran!
Frances: Sorry, Jim, little Timmy back in Montecito got your present.
Jimmy: What?
Greg: I made one mistake, I’ll never live it down.
Louise: He’s the Grinch who stole Christmas!s
Greg: I accidentally gave to the less fortunate! If anything, I’m sort of Santa Claus.
Lauren: We can still have a good Chris-
Beverly: Hey, are you guys ready to get Christmas started? We’re getting a little impatient, we can only listen to the new Kelly Clarkson Christmas album so many times.
Earl: Not true! It’s a modern holiday classic already!
Beverly: In other words, he’s enjoying the gift he bought me. Lucky him!
Frances: Why is everyone congregating outside my hotel room door in pajamas on Christmas morning? Am I getting Scrooged?
Lauren: No, I think we’re just all looking to spend the holiday together, because we love one another.
Marcia: Eh.
Beverly: C’mon, Marcia, you know you love us.
Jane: Frances! I found this bag in my suitcase! I didn’t find any of my clothes, but that’s all right, I asked Santa for lots of new ones!
Louise: Does she not -
Jimmy: Let her believe. She’s still innocent.
Marcia: What’s in there, Jane?
Jane: I don’t know, just a bunch of wrapped things that have Frances’ name on them.
Frances: Oh my god, she did bring them! Jane, I could kiss you!
Jane: Please no, that’s workplace harassment.
Louise: Wow, that’s a big word for her.
Frances: Jane, you saved Christmas!
Lauren: The real Christmas, though, is the feeling of togetherness in our hearts as we celebrate Jesus.
Louise: Can it, Linus. To the beach we go!
Jimmy: Just so you know, I got one of you a Christmas tree, can’t remember who. I got the rest of you ornaments. We’re coming back to the room to decorate it.
Frances: Oh, what fun.
What did you think of the Frances in the Kitchen Christmas special? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special next Thursday! Frances in the Kitchen will return for season 5 in mid-2024!
