Gretchen: Okay, guys. This tree lighting is going to be broadcast on television. I’m begging you all to avoid embarrassing me during this.
Lucinda: How would we embarrass you?
Anthony: Have you met you?
Lucinda: I’m charming and delightful.
Gretchen: Just be on your best behavior. That’s all I ask of you.
Lucinda: Oh, now she’s making requests.
Gretchen: Oh my god.
Anthony: Let her get it out now before we’re in public.
Gretchen: That doesn’t do anything, she thinks up insults on the spot. It’s like having Don Rickles as your mother.
Lucinda: I appreciate the comparison.
Gretchen: It wasn’t a compliment. It was Don’s job. You’re just hateful.
Lucinda: Every Christmas celebration could use a good heckler. Otherwise, it’s just saccharine. That’s boring!
Gretchen: I’m not getting my wish, am I?
Lucinda: I’ll try, for the sake of Rhode Island. One note, though: it’s a Christmas tree, not a “holiday tree.”
Gretchen: We’re not doing this again!
Anthony: I’m sane, so I think you can call it whatever you want, Jesus wouldn’t mind.
Lucinda: He most certainly would! You only put up a tree to celebrate his holiday - not for Hanukkah, not for Kwanzaa, not for those other holidays whose names I can’t remember. “Holiday tree” makes no sense!
Gretchen: It’s an inclusive tree. There are dreidels on it!
Lucinda: And that makes no sense!
Toby: Dad, can you turn the Christmas music up?
Anthony: I think that’s a swell idea!
Lucinda: Don’t you mean “holiday music?”
Anthony: The song is “There’s No Place Like Home for the Holidays,” so yeah, I guess that’d be appropriate, right?
Lucinda: Shut up.
Gretchen: Honey, watching you shut down my mom’s idiotic argument was so hot.
Lucinda: Not in the car! Save that for OnlyFans, it’s what all the politicians are doing these days!
Gretchen: Never say “OnlyFans” ever again.
Lucinda: Okay, agreed. That can be my “holiday” gift to you.
Twenty minutes later…
Carol: My god, I thought you’d never get here! The crowd is getting rowdy!
Anthony: The crowd for a Christmas tree lighting is getting rowdy?
Lucinda: Ah, you said it! Christmas tree!
Carol: What’s her problem?
Anthony: She’s an idiot.
Gretchen: The drive here was fun. Let’s leave it at that.
Susana: I can look into rooms last Shady Meadows if you’d like.
Gretchen: That’s a good suggestion!
Lucinda: You’d make that joke on Christmas?
Anthony: Surely you mean “on holiday?”
Lucinda: No, I don’t. I’m not British, I don’t say “on holiday.” Those people disgust me.
Carol: Okay, let’s not say that in public.
Lucinda: I’m holding any office, I can say whatever I please!
Gretchen: What a frightening sentiment.
Carol: All right, let’s leave her here to hate on the British, we should go get ready.
Gretchen: What’s there to get ready for?
Carol: We have to make sure you know who the musical guests are. Last year you didn’t and you called Lance Bass “Vance Base.”
Gretchen: So what? He found it funny!
Carol: It was a nervous laughter.
Gretchen: If he wanted me to remember his name, he should’ve done a better job stepping out from behind Joey Fatone’s shadow.
Carol: Do you think Joey Fatone was the big star in NSYNC?
Gretchen: He almost won Dancing with the Stars AND The Masked Singer, so, yeah.
Carol: Anyway, let’s not embarrass ourselves again. It’s an easy mistake to avoid.
Gretchen: All right, what do I need to study?
Carol: This piece of paper.
Gretchen: This? There are four names on here. This was the urgent studying I had to do?
Carol: I’m just trying to keep things running smoothly.
Gretchen: Patti LaBelle -
Carol: Patti LuPone.
Gretchen: Is there a difference?
Anthony: Oh dear.
Toby: I can’t believe you would say that. It’s so upsetting.
Gretchen: Susana, draft an apology letter.
Carol: See, that’s the good thing about rehearsing! You did it in private, not in public, so you don’t have to write up an apology letter to one of the most beloved divas in Broadway history. Shall we continue?
Gretchen: I suppose.
Ninety minutes later…
Gretchen: I think that went well!
Carol: Aside from the top row of lights not being connected and a repair guy having to fix it quickly, yes, it went great.
Gretchen: See, that wasn’t my fault, so I found it very fun!
Carol: I was hyperventilating.
Susana: I think you take these things a little too seriously sometimes. It’s a Christmas tree -
Lucinda: Holiday tree! Just ask your boss!
Susana: lighting at the state capitol in America’s smallest state. It’s not the Rockefeller Center lighting.
The next morning…
Susana: Diva down! I repeat, diva down!
Carol: What?
Gretchen: English please!
Sarita: I believe what she’s trying to say is t-
Susana: The holiday tree burned down!
Gretchen: It what?
Susana: Up in smake! Flambéed! Roasted like a chestnut on an open fire! Like that scene with the demented uncle in Christmas Vacation!
Gretchen: Got it. How’d this happen?
Carol: How’d we not notice it when we came in?
Susana: We came in the back entrance.
Gretchen: So did I. When you’re a star, you have to sneak in.
Susan: O…kay.
Gretchen: Look, I run this place, I have many admirers. Sometimes, they stop me to chat. I’m polite, I talk, but I have to be here at a certain time so I sneak in to avoid being stopped.
Samantha: Ooh my god, Gretchen! Did you see -
Gretchen: Yep, just heard.
Samantha: And you’re this calm?
Gretchen: Realistically, what can I do about it? It was an accident! I’m sad, of course, but we’ll just get a new one.
Samantha: It was no accident!
Gretchen: You sound delusional!
Samantha: No, they found a bottle of kerosene at the scene.
Gretchen: “Kerosene at the scene,” that sounded funny!
Samantha: Oh my god, our governor’s a child! Are you high on glue? Someone’s burning things down on government property!
Gretchen: Yes, of course that’s terrible! I still found your phrasing funny.
Carol: Why have we not heard from the police yet on this issue? Surely they’re aware.
Samantha: The Capitol Police couldn’t reach your office, that’s why they contacted me.
Carol: Ah, crap! I did disconnect the phones on Friday!
Gretchen: Why? Why would you do that?
Carol: Telemarketers! I was trying to get work done late and they kept calling!
Sarita: Good thing there was no real emergency, right?
Samantha: They started a literal War on Christmas outside, Massachusetts! Do you know what Fox News is going to be saying about us? This is a PR disaster!
Gretchen: My god, Pratt! Since when are you such a loyal Gretchen Raymond foot soldier?
Samantha: Ever since you saved my ass in that election, I’m seen as your little minion! So any bad news for you is bad news for me. We all know Jeanne -
Jeanne: Raymond! I’m so sorry about your tree!
Gretchen: It, really, was all of our tree.
Jeanne: I saw how it was decorated. I’d prefer no association with it.
Gretchen: Ah, kick a tree while it’s down, why don’t you?
Jeanne: It’s not down, its barren corpse is still standing up high. The firefighters doused it in time to save part of it!
Gretchen: Delightful. Why are you here?
Jeanne: I’m giving you my sympathy, is that so wrong?
Gretchen: You have no genuine goodwill within you, so count me as a skeptic.
Jeanne: I also -
Gretchen: Here it comes!
Jeanne: I wanted to nudge you to make a joint public statement about this. I know it sounds like nothing, but arson at the capitol is a serious problem. We have to address it.
Gretchen: My people will get in contact with your people and Hank’s and we’ll do a joint press conference. Sound good?
Samantha: How did I get left out? I was taking the lead on all of this before either of you even knew about it!
Gretchen: Okay, you can be part of this. Not a big deal, really.
Jeanne: I appreciate you wanting to get out ahead of this. I think the four of us all will help reassure a shaken state.
Gretchen: Shaken? A tree burned, there wasn’t a terrorist attack!
Jeanne: People will see this, rightfully, as an attack on Christmas. It’s an attack on our values.
Gretchen: Or just some idiot kid being stupid. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Jeanne: It’s an attack.
Gretchen: Sure.
Two hours later…
Gretchen: Thank you, everyone. Some of your may be aware, but overnight, our newly-installed holiday tree was the victim of arson. Some grinch decided to burn it down, for reasons that remain unknown.
Samantha: This matter is still under investigation, but the Rhode Island Capitol Police are hard at work to catch a suspect.
Jeanne: While a motive is unknown, law enforcement says that the arson is not likely a danger to the public, and that the high profile of the tree made it a target.
Hank: All four of us are deeply concerned about this criminal act committed against our capitol, but we can assure you that it is safe to continue your Christmas celebrations, and that no one has any reason to believe this is more than an isolated incident.
Gretchen: This is, obviously, a setback to our holiday festivities in Providence, but we are working on a replacement for installation soon, and will not allow this miser to hinder our holiday. Once again, Rhode Islanders of all faiths and cultures should feel safe participating in any holiday celebrations that they partake in on a regular basis. Thank you all, and we will inform the public of any breaks in this case.
The press conference ends.
Hank: That was so over-dramatic.
Jeanne: Well, we couldn’t just do it without you! It would look like you don’t care about Christmas!
Hank: If I’m being honest, I’m not terribly concerned about this. It’s, you know, a tree.
Jeanne: It’s more than a tree! It’s about our right to feel safe in our capitol! Our right to celebrate Christmas! Why if they strike again?
Hank: Then we cut down yet another tree?
Gretchen: It’s all good. No war on Christmas here! Just an isolated incident, like we told the public. Right?
Jeanne: I guess.
Samantha: When we get the new tree, I volunteer to stake out overnight and watch over it that first night.
Jeanne: You’re kidding?
Hank: Didn’t you used to be normal?
Gretchen: When?
Hank: I don’t know, I feel like she wasn’t always this bad.
Samantha: I’m right here!
Hank: That’s why it’s not mean to say it. I’m being “real.”
Samantha: This is not the Christmas spirit.
Later that day, when Gretchen returns home…
Gretchen: Christina! What are you doing here?
Christina: Grandma told me there was something awful that happened and that the family needed to be together!
Gretchen: Excuse me?
Lucinda: This is your fault.
Gretchen: What’s my fault? I’m lost.
Lucinda: You often are.
Christina: I’m also lost, because everyone seems fine.
Lucinda: That Christmas tree was burned down, and it’s because everyone’s still furious you called it a holiday tree!
Christina: Are you kidding me? I have finals and you called me back to Providence because someone burned a tree?
Toby: It was a nice tree!
Christina: I’m sure it was, why do I have to be here to mourn it?
Anthony: You know your grandmother, she’ll do anything to antagonize your mother.
Christina: That’s very true.
Lucinda: It is not! I’m just a realist!
Christina: I don’t even get what your problem is this time. How is this mom’s problem?
Lucinda: I don’t know, but the media sure seems to think it is!
Christina: When don’t they?
Gretchen: Let me guess, Fox News?
Lucinda: Of course! They called it a war on “woke,” whatever the hell that means. They’ve already lionized the arson.
Christina: Did they catch him?
Lucinda: No! That’s why they’ve been able to shape the narrative so easy. They’ve made him an anti-Gretchen freedom fighter.
Gretchen: Who cares? What’s the worst thing that can come from this?
Anthony: They’re still pressed over “holiday tree?”
Lucinda: Of course, it’s stupidity!
Gretchen: Are any reputable news sources blaming me or just the right-wing ones?
Lucinda: Not really, but you can tell they all blame you anyway.
Gretchen: Or is that just how you take it?
Lucinda: Well, they talk about how “controversial” you are and wandered if it was an act of political rebellion.
Gretchen: Okay, so that seems a bit like they’re blaming me.
Anthony: Hey, for what it’s worth, Newsmax is blaming it on liberals in general with the typical War on Christmas spin. So it’s not just on you!
Gretchen: Ah, I’ve got Newsmax on my side, I’m as golden as Bachelor Gerry!
Lucinda: You know, he would’ve picked me if I had just applied for The Golden Bachelor. We’re perfect for each other.
Anthony: Can we get her on the next season? Just to try and get her off our hands?
Lucinda: Come on, Anthony, that’s not in the Christmas spirit! I’m a gift!
Anthony: A gift I hope we have a gift receipt for.
Two days later…
Susana: Gretchen! Big news!
Gretchen: Is the tree ready?
Susana: No, but it will be by tonight, no need to worry!
Gretchen: It better be! They’ll impeach me if it’s not!
Carol: Jeanne and Hank impeaching you over nonsense? I don’t buy it. They’re such reasonable people.
Susana: They found the arson!
Gretchen: Did he specifically name me as a co-conspirator like the media seems to think?
Susana: It was just some drunk.
Sarita: It was Jeanne?
Carol: That’s a good one Massachusetts! So, was it?
Susana: No, it was literally just a random drunk. He left a bar on Main Street absolutely smashed, somehow had a bottle of kerosene in his car, and got the bright idea to make the capitol, uh… not-so-merry but very bright.
Gretchen: So no terrorism?
Susana: Not quite.
Gretchen: I can’t say I’m not a little disappointed that I don’t have a major crisis on my hands to boost my approval ratings, but then again, I’d just get blamed for allowing it to happen and ruining Christmas, so I’m good with this being wrapped up nicely and being put under the tree.
Carol: Speaking of which, who’s excited for the re-lighting ceremony tonight?
Gretchen: I’m excited for Jeanne to show up looking like a widow at a funeral, still mourning the death of innocence in our state.
Carol: It’s gonna be fun! We got Patti LaBelle!
Gretchen: You’re kidding.
Carol: What, something wrong with that?
Gretchen: You promise it’s not actually Patti LuPone? You're not trying to make me slip up in public?
Carol: Of course! I can’t risk getting on the naughty list by pranking you!
Gretchen: It’s cute you think you’re not already on there!
What did you think of the Raymond Island holiday special? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the Princess Royal holiday special next Monday! Raymond Island returns for the rest of season five in spring 2024!
