Frances walks into Sam’s house.
Frances: Where’s the party? I was told there was a party. Am I early? I thought I was late!
Charlotte: This is the party!
Frances: What?
Sam: Just us. It’s a small gathering.
Frances: Small gathering? That’s not what I was told!
Diane: Nope, it’s just us!
Frances: Someone hand me a drink, fast!
Diane: Are we that bad?
Frances: No, you’re not bad. I’d just rather that something promised to be a “wild holiday bash” not really just be a thinly-veiled work function.
Sam: Okay, it was funny at first, now stop crapping all over my party.
Frances: I’m sorry, I’m just not really in the Christmas spirit this year, I was hoping for some other people to take my mind off of it.
Charlotte: You have Garry here to tell you about how much of a bitch Carly’s mother is, surely that’ll leave you on the edge of your seat?
Frances: Sam, where is that alcohol?
Sam: I’m getting you an eggnog, don’t worry!
Frances: I need straight alcohol, nothing watered down with nonsense like cream and eggs.
Sam: Coming right up!
Diane: I can’t believe no one has complimented you on your decorations! Look how festive this place is!
Garry: In my defense, it’s been hard to get a word in with all of Frances’s complaining.
Frances: There’s no need to be rude about it. Let me vent!
Diane: Oh, good, Melanie is calling!
Charlotte: What could she be calling about?
Diane: Oh, I called her earlier.
Charlotte: Were you expecting her to fly out here for this “party” or something?
Diane: She’s my friend, I wanted to check in on her.
Sam: I don’t know why you harass that poor woman, we’re going back to Rhode Island in a few weeks anyway.
Charlotte: Oh my god, don’t remind me!
Leslie: Do you all hate working on my show or something? What’s with you tonight?
Diane: Charlotte has that book she needs to finish writing before we get back to filming, and she’s been procrastinating. I know the feeling, girl!
Charlotte: You told me not to do it, I should have listened.
Diane: A mother knows!
Sam: Are you using “mother” in like, the twitter way, or do you think you’re Charlotte’s mom now?
Diane: I’m saying, I have two kids, I have the experience to know when someone’s not going to finish a project on time.
Charlotte: I’m going to get it done!
Diane: Sure.
Leslie: What happened to that Melanie phone call, is that still happening?
Diane: Ah, crap! You idiots distracted me!
Garry: Wow, Christmas has everyone in a foul mood this year, it’s bizarre.
Sam: Not I!
Garry: Yeah, that’s the weirdest part.
Diane: I gotta call her back.
Sam: Don’t be too long, we still have holiday karaoke!
Leslie: Oh, how I hope Garry and Frances duet on Baby It’s Cold Outside.
Frances: You do one drunken karaoke duet five years ago about making love to your co-worker and you never live it down…
Charlotte: I wish I’d seen it, you all talk about it so much.
Leslie: Get ‘em drunk enough, you’ll get to see it.
Diane picks up her phone and calls Melanie.
Diane: Melanie! How are you? It has to be super late out there?
Melanie: Eh, just around eleven, not too bad.
Diane: You just get off your shift?
Melanie: Yep. Another miserable day! Holiday travelers are the absolute worst. What are you doing in Newport, Rhode Island a week before Christmas? It’s cold! Go to Hawaii!
Diane: I get the feeling. I mean, not the exact feeling. I understand the general frustration with Christmas, though.
Melanie: I usually love Christmas, but this year… I don’t know. Not only do I not feel like it’s even Christmastime, the fact that it is just makes me feel line some lonesome loser.
Diane: Don’t say that! You’re no loser! And you have us!
Melanie: You guys are all the way across the country. Not that I blame you, it’s beautiful over there. It’s hell here. You know the temperature right now? Twenty-four! Who in their right mind is coming here on vacation? This is hell on earth!
Diane: We’re only a phone call a way. Heck, give us a Zoom or whatever if you feel the need to see another human.
Melanie: I don’t want to disturb your holiday season with my self-pity.
Diane: You think you’re miserable? You should see me! We could have our own pity party!
Melanie: I’ll just leave that to my grandparents to deal with. They’re the only people I have to spend the holidays with, my daughter is going to Arizona with her grandparents. I was not invited, but she’s excited about going, so I’m trying not to be selfish.
Diane: Ah, so that’s it! Let me tell you, Melanie, it gets easier. I know yours is young, so it’s hard to miss a Christmas then, but in twenty years, it’ll be like nothing when she decides to skip out on Christmas. You get used to it! I’m not helping, am I?
Melanie: Not particularly.
Diane: I’m sorry, honey, I didn’t mean to make you feel even worse.
Melanie: No, it’s not your fault! I’m just down this year, and it isn’t your job to fix it.
Diane: I’m gonna let you go, I’m sure you want to relax and unwind after work. Have a good holiday, I will be calling you when it gets closer to make sure you’re feeling better. Because you are going to feel better!
Melanie: Thank you, Diane. You’re very sweet. Give everyone my love.
Diane: I will. Bye-bye.
Diane hangs up.
Sam: So, how is everything in Rhode Island? Still above sea level?
Diane: It is indeed, but Melanie’s in a funk.
Frances: Well, I’m also a little funky after a long day of work.
Sam: Have you tried showering?
Frances: I didn’t mean it that way and you know it!
Sam: Do I?
Jacqueline: Hey, are we late?
Francis: People!
Leslie: They’re our bosses, they’re not fun people.
Garry: Yeah, who invited them?
Paul: Always nice to receive a warm welcome.
Sam: You should just be grateful I invited you at all!
Garry: There’s the bitchy Sam I know!
Sam: Leave it to Paul to bring it back out! I was being so jolly, too!
Paul: I do appreciate the invite. I was so shocked to get it, I really thought this was some sort of “Carrie” situation.
Jacqueline: It still could be. If you get named “Christmas King”, you'd better run.
Diane: So, Melanie.
Frances: Oh my god, we’re still dwelling on her? I love her too, but this is a bit much…
Diane: She’s our friend, and she’s not doing well.
Jacqueline: Is this a friend you know from some other show you did?
Diane: No, she’s our friend that works at the hotel we stay at in Rhode Island.
Jacqueline: You’re friends with a poor? Wow!
Leslie: My god, our new boss is even more insane than Paul!
Paul: I told you I wasn’t that bad!
Jacqueline: I was cracking a joke! My god, do people not joke anymore?
Sam: We don’t need to, not when Garry is a full-on human joke.
Diane: Anyway, for those who care Melanie’s daughter will be spending Christmas with her paternal grandparents, and not with Melanie. Melanie and the grandparents don’t get along, so she’s not invited. She’s very upset about not being able to spend the day with her, as we could all understand.
Frances: That’s unfortunate. Not spending Christmas with your loved ones is always hard.
Diane: She’s also stressed at work and generally just down about the holidays. We need to do something.
Leslie: Let’s all chip in, buy her a nice gift.
Diane: I was thinking something else.
Charlotte: This should be good.
Diane: We need to go out to Rhode Island, surprise her. Give her a nice, great, big, jolly holiday.
Sam: Polly Holliday? You mean Flo? She’s a friend of mine, but I don’t know if I could get her to fly to Rh-
Diane: A JOLLY holiday.
Sam: Oh.
Leslie: How do you know none of us have holiday plans?
Diane: Do you?
Leslie: No.
Frances: I do!
Diane: Such as?
Frances: I was going to sit home and watch Elf.
Diane: I think they have Elf in Rhode Island, no?
Frances: I suppose.
Garry: I really can’t go, Carly’s too pregnant to fly and besides, we can’t just drag Anna around on Christmas. These are the most important Christmases of her life, I don’t want her spending one in some hotel room.
Sam: Well, if Garry’s out, I’m in. I’m sure Nicolle won’t mind spending Christmas in Rhode Island. It’s a neat place.
Diane: So we’re really doing this?
Paul: Can we come?
Diane: What?
Jacqueline: I’m not going, this woman doesn’t know me.
Diane: I just figured you would be busy, you always are on Christmas, but if you want, sure.
Paul: I want to make some more memories with my pals before I can’t hang out with you as much during your European season.
Diane: Okay then. You’re free to join us.
Sam: Now that’s a nightmare before Christmas.
Frances: Can we get to the festivities now? You guys are bringing me down?
Diane: Now that our plans are set, yes! I’m excited!
Frances: Good to see. I’m bored.
Diane: Frances sure puts the “me” in “merry Christmas.”
Frances: When did I ever say "merry Christmas?”
One week later…
Leslie: I can’t believe you booked us a flight for Christmas Eve!
Diane: It was for twelve-thirty AM, that’s barely even Christmas Eve.
Leslie: Do you know how out of whack we’re going to be?
Diane: You all should have slept on the plane! I did!
Frances: Thankfully, Paul knows the hotel manager and they made a check-in exception for us.
Sam: The one time I will ever say “thank god for Paul.”
Paul: I’ll take that as a compliment.
Sam: It wasn’t really intended as one.
Charlotte: I thinks the truly important thing here is that we’re all together on this fine Christmas Eve morning, and we’ve got a great surprise ahead for Melanie, and it’s truly Christmas magic.
Leslie: I’m exhausted, I don’t give a damn about Christmas magic right now. Christmas makes me sick to think about right now!
Diane: She didn’t mean that, Jesus.
Leslie: Yes I did!
Diane: She has little temper tantrums when she’s sleepy, you can’t take them seriously.
Leslie: I do not!
Frances: Okay, we’re gonna get her to bed.
Charlotte: It’s eleven in the morning!
Frances: A good nap is fine at any time of day.
Sam: So what’s the game plan here? We just show up at Melanie’s house, force her to spend Christmas with us?
Diane: Yeah, that’s basically it. We all have our gifts, right?
Frances: We were supposed to bring gifts?
Diane: You, get to a Kohl’s quickly. The rest of us are going to get ready for tonight’s festivities! I picked out the cutest Christmas outfits.
Frances: Why is she talking like a six year-old getting ready for her school pageant?
Sam: She’s a weird lady. Also, she had two eggnogs with vodka at the airport.
Frances: With vodka? What?
Diane: They were out of rum! And whisky! And brandy!
Sam: No one out there has a tougher holiday than the poor saps flying in the earliest hours of Christmas Eve. They need that booze to cope!
Diane: Oh, also, please don’t let me forget to FaceTime Garry when we get to Melanie’s. He said he wants to take part virtually.
Sam: Everyone, please make sure she forgets.
Later that night, at Melanie’s…
Melanie: I’ll get the door!
Diane: Merry Christmas!
Melanie: Uh… oh my god!
Frances: Surprised?
Melanie: Yeah, little bit! How did you keep this a secret from me? And why? Also, why’d you come at all, don’t you have things to do back in LA?
Diane: Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for a friend.
Sam: If you’re mad, it was all Diane’s idea. If you’re happy, this was a group plan.
Melanie: Of course I’m happy! I just wish I had advance notice, the house is a mess!
Marlena (Melanie’s grandmother): Melanie, who is it?
Melanie: My friends, abuelita!
Marlena: You’re not in high school, why are you inviting friends over without asking?
Melanie: They kinda just showed up.
Arturo (Melanie’s grandfather): That’s a bit bold.
Melanie: They flew in from California to surprise me for the holidays.
Marlena: Oh, you mean your famous friends? That’s different, welcome everyone!
Diane: Thank you, abuelita!
Marlena: I think I’m younger than you, you can just call me Marlena.
Sam: Ha! Diane’s younger than a great-grandmother!
Diane: Sam, I’m three years older than you.
Sam: Why’d you have to put it that way?
Diane: Just firing back at you! It’s all fair game!
Arturo: Where are all your bags? Did you come with nothing?
Diane: We’re staying at a hotel, we didn’t want to intrude?
Arturo: Don’t be silly, it’s a family Christmas! You’re staying here!
Sam: I knew Paul wasn’t really that helpful, we’ve already found better lodging then he had for us.
Diane: I guess we’ll go pick up all our stuff from the hotel. We’ll be right back!
One hour later…
Marlena: Do you all like hot cocoa?
Diane: Of course! It’s like third outside, that’s, like ten in California degrees.
Melanie: Just a warning, abuelita makes her hot cocoa a bit different. Do you all know Mexican hot chocolate?
Sam: Is that the spicy stuff?
Melanie: Yeah. It’s hot cocoa, but it burns your tongue in two ways instead of just one!
Frances: Thank God Garry isn’t here, he has the palate of a kindergartner, he’d be in tears.
Melanie: Where is Garry, by the way? I think you guys tried to swap him out in the hopes that I wouldn’t notice, but I did. By the way, hi Paul!
Paul: Hi, Melanie! I’m in the group now!
Leslie: Ignore him, we haven’t had that discussion yet.
Sam: Nor will we ever.
Paul: Come on, where’s your Christmas spirit?
Sam: We’re still four hours away from Christmas.
Diane: Everyone say hi to Garry!
Melanie: Hi, Garry! I’ve been told Paul’s taking your place in the group?
Garry: Wait, what?
Charlotte: It was a joke! Don’t worry, we still tolerate you slightly more than we tolerate him.
Garry: Aww!
Melanie: What are you doing that you didn’t join the others? I was convinced you were all attached at the hip.
Garry: Carly’s too pregnant to fly, we can’t risk her going into labor on the plane.
Melanie: Okay, good reason.
Carly: I feel like I could go any second now!
Diane: Aww, they’re gonna be born on Christmas just like Jesus!
Carly: No! I am not making my child share a birthday with Christmas! I was born on the Fourth of July, I know what it’s like to share a birthday with a major holiday. It can wait three days at least.
Charlotte: Is that how it works? I’ve never had one, but I was under the impression you didn’t get to choose when it happened.
Leslie: From my experience, it happens when it happens.
Diane: God chooses, not mom.
Garry: Maybe let’s stop talking about giving birth.
Sam: We should do presents!
Diane: While Garry’s on? Seems rude, we can’t give him his gifts until we get home. It’s like rubbing it in.
Sam: I know, that’s why I want to do it now.
Frances: Merry Christmas, everyone!
The next morning…
Diane: Oh, Melanie, what are you doing up so early?
Melanie: Just reflecting.
Diane: At five in the morning?
Melanie: Couldn’t sleep. Too anxious for Santa’s arrival, I suppose. What are you up for?
Diane: I swore I heard my phone go off, but I must have dozed back off for a few minutes and then I accidentally deleted whatever it was. Hope it was nothing important.
Melanie: It’s early, I’m sure it was just some spam text. While you’re up, though, I wanted to thank you. I know you were the one who got everyone out here, because you knew I was having a rough holiday. It means a lot.
Diane: It was nothing! I’m glad you appreciate it, though. Sam had me worried, she said she’d hate it if someone interrupted her lonely Christmas.
Melanie: That reminds me, where’s Nicolle?
Diane: Oh, she’s driving up this morning. She had to finish a piece for NYT last night, she was really procrastinating.
Melanie: I know the feeling. I didn’t finish wrapping any presents until about twenty minutes before you guys got here.
Diane: Ooh, my phone’s buzzing again! What could it be?
Melanie: Check it!
Diane: Oh my god! Garry said Carly had the baby this morning at 12:08 AM. They’re naming her Holly. Carly is… I think he misspelled something. It says she’s “nad.”
Melanie: Mad?
Diane: That sounds like her. I should tell the others!
Melanie: You think Sam wants to be woken up on Christmas Eve to get Garry news?
Diane: She’ll be so pissed, I can’t wait!
Leslie: Guys, Carly had the baby! It’s a Christmas miracle!
Diane: I guess they all got texts, too.
Melanie: Everyone’s awake now, I guess we’re starting Christmas early this year.
Diane: The magic of togetherness!
What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas Special? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the midseason premiere of Our House in two weeks! Bake Your Heart Out returns for season six in summer 2024!
