Betty rushes into the living room.
Betty: Oh my god, guys! I just got a text from Jeanette!
Teri: Aunt Jeanette knows how to text?
Betty: It was a shock to me, too! I think she recently learned.
Cindy: Was that what the shock was about?
Betty: Actually, no!
Danielle: I can’t wait to hear this plot twist.
Betty: Jeanette was texting me to remind me - and thank god she did, because I forgot - that our aunt Katarina is having a birthday next week.
Steven: You have an aunt that’s still alive?
Tammi: Steven!
Frank: I found it to be a valid question.
Tammi: What am I going to do with the two of you?
Steven: Love us?
Tammi: I’d rather smack you right about now, stop being rude!
Betty: No, it is a valid question! I’m very old, the aunts of most people my age are long-dead!
Ralph: There’s a cheery thought.
Betty: Anyway, aunt Katarina is having her milestone one-hundredth birthday and Jeannette is throwing her a party.
Jerry: God, it better not be a surprise party at that age.
Betty: It’s not. It was honestly a bit of a risk even telling her that she’s almost a hundred, that had to be a huge shock to her. Anyway, we’re all invited to attend.
Danielle: Even me?
Betty: Someone’s gotta stay home and watch the house, right?
Danielle: Aww, man…
Betty: I’m just kidding! That can be Frank!
Frank: I’m family!
Teri: You keep telling yourself that.
Karl: We really don’t need anyone to stay home and watch the house.
Cindy: Yeah, we can just have Amelia watch over it, get our mail, all that. No big deal.
Karl: That settles it, we’re all going!
Teri: Do we think aunt Katarina is going to want to meet Frank for her big hundredth birthday? I wouldn’t.
Frank: Why wouldn’t she?
Teri: For one, you’re very annoying. That’s actually the only reason, but it’s a huge one.
Frank: I have been nothing but kind to everyone in this family!
Teri: And annoying.
Karl: I like ya, Frank.
Frank: Thank you!
Ralph: So when do we have to leave for Florida?
Danielle: Florida? Ew!
Velma: What’s wrong with Florida?
Danielle: Have you seen it?
Velma: I love Florida!
Danielle: Then why don’t you move there?
Velma: I’ve thought about it.
Teri: Do you not want to come now?
Danielle: I’ll think about it.
Betty: We’ll have to know to get tickets.
Danielle: All right, I’ll go. It can’t be so bad.
Betty: Good to know! We’re leaving on Friday.
Tammi: That’s… in three days.
Betty: Everyone get packing! We’ll be gone a week, gonna be fun!
Teri: This is the least notice I’ve ever had for a vacation.
Ralph: You wait to pack until the night before anyway, what does it matter?
Teri: That is not true! I buy things I need for weeks before we leave. I just wait until the night before to put it in the luggage. That’s normal. That’s what we do at the hotel when we’re there, isn’t it?
Ralph: Sue.
Betty: Well, I’m going to head up and pack right now. I also have to work on a note to post on the store window about it being closed for the week. My loyal customers have to know what’s up!
Jerry: What loyal customers?
Betty: That was uncalled for.
Three days later…
Betty: Family! Rise and shine! It’s go time!
Jerry: Who gave her a megaphone?
Mitchell: What time is it?
Betty: Three AM!
Teri: I’m going to shoot you. Jerry, where’s your gun?
Jerry: Which one?
Teri: Any will do, so long as it’s loaded.
Cindy: Teri, you’re not killing mom! Jerry, don’t give her the gun to kill mom.
Ralph: Whoa, why are we killing mom?
Velma: We don’t have to leave the house until six! The plan leaves at eight!
Betty: Basically the whole house is already up, might as well get ready now, no?
Frank: What’s going on? What’s happening?
Tammi: Grandma’s lost it.
Betty: I just want to be prepared. Is that so bad?
Teri: I’ve had four hours of sleep!
Betty: That’s your fault, Teresa.
Teri: Don’t “Teresa” me!
Betty: When you’re being a pain in the ass, it’s Teresa.
Teri: I’m sorry my desire to get sleep and not wake up in the middle of the night is such a burden for you!
Cindy: Are you two just going to fight? Because, if so, I’m going back to sleep.
Velma: I’m going to put a pot of coffee on. I’m gonna need it today.
Teri: Are we really all just going to let her wake us up like this and comply with it? This is madness!
Karl: Honey, it’s not worth the fight. Just give in, you can sleep on the plane.
Teri: I’m more worried about falling asleep at the airport and missing our flight.
Velma: Hence the need for coffee. Come on, everyone, let’s get hopped up on caffeine! Start the day!
Ralph: The day is never supposed to start three hours after midnight.
Betty: It’s one day, come on!
Ralph: Easy for you to say, you went to bed at seven!
Betty: Was that not a hint for you to also go to bed early?
Ralph: I was packing!
Teri: And you had the nerve to drag me!
Ralph: Shut up!
Karl: Everyone’s so crabby today!
Teri: It’s the middle of the night!
Tammi: This is gonna be such a fun vacation.
Four hours later…
Teri: My god, I feel like I’ve traveled to hell and back and I haven’t even left Virginia yet.
Ralph: That’s what happens when mom drives.
Betty: We were on the road for fifteen minutes!
Ralph: Felt like fifteen hours.
Cindy: I got to ride with dad, so my nervous system was not terrorized this morning.
Teri: Thanks for letting us know. Screw off.
Betty: I’m not that bad at driving!
Ralph: You nearly hit a woman!
Betty: It was only Velma!
Velma: I wish you would’ve hit me. Then I wouldn’t have to sit next to this oaf on the plane.
Mitchell: I have feelings, you know.
Velma: I know. In like hurting them.
Teri: We have what, an hour to wait here? I’m going to buy a People magazine.
Velma: Don’t, they’re like twelve bucks! I brought one from home, here.
Teri: This is from August.
Velma: Does it matter?
Teri: I guess not.
Betty: Do you have one for me?
Velma: Yeah, I got like six in here.
Danielle: I’m glad I brought a book, I need something a bit more substantive to fill all that time.
Teri: I’m sorry we’re not all sophisticated enough for Joan Didion. I’ll try to better myself.
Danielle: I didn’t imply anything to suggest that.
Betty: She gets cranky when she’s tired, don’t worry about her.
Teri: I am not cranky!
Betty: Just think, everyone, we’re going to get to go to Jeanette’s beautiful mansion and tomorrow, we get to celebrate Aunt Katarina’s big day and this will all have been worth it.
Teri: The party’s tomorrow? I wanted to sleep in!
Tammi: We woke up at three AM, I am personally going to be in bed by six.
Three hours later…
Jeanette: My god, look at this motley crew!
Betty: Oh my god, it’s so good to see you in the flesh!
Jeanette: What, you don’t like our FaceTimes?
Betty: You accidentally hang up on me most of the time!
Jeanette: Is there something wrong with that?
Betty: It’s better than not talking to you at all, I’ll say that.
Rick: I’m here, too, folks!
Karl: How the hell ya doing? It’s been years!
Rick: Retirement has been a dream! I’m exhausted but also completely reinvigorated. We’ve seen every state in America and every country in Europe.
Danielle: Even Russia?
Rick: Before the war.
Jeanette: What are we all doing standing around the airport? Let’s get you guys to your home for the week.
Betty: Wait until you guys see their house! It’s just incredible!
Jeanette: You’re too sweet! Look at your house!
Betty: Yeah, we needed the income of like six different families to cover it, and we’re all on top of each other. Your house is just for the two of you!
Jeanette: It’s for all of you, now, too!
Teri: Okay, I have a question. I hope it’s not insensitive.
Ralph: Not a good start.
Teri: How are all of us going to fit in your car?
Rick: We brought two cars, and we figured you all could rent one for the rest of you. I’d hope that’s enough.
Betty: We’ll make it work.
Teri: I told you we should’ve left Frank at home.
Betty: I said that!
Frank: You know, I’m right here!
Betty: That’s the problem, isn’t it?
The next morning…
Jeanette: Good morning!
Betty: What are you doing up?
Jeanette: I wake up at six every morning, and especially on mornings where I’m throwing a big party! I have so much to prepare for!
Betty: How many other people are coming for this? I don’t want to sound morbid, but she can’t have too many friends left, right?
Jeanette: Like twenty, thirty other people. It’s not that big.
Betty: I hope to have forty-five people willing to come to my hundredth birthday party on less than a week’s notice.
Jeanette: You have forty-five people living in your house so as it is!
Betty: That is true!
Jeanette: How do you do it? It’s like living out a season of Big Brother every day. There can’t be any peace!
Betty: There’s not, but I like it that way. We all do, I think. Well, no one’s spoken out if they don’t.
Jeanette: It seems fun.
Betty: Enough about me. You need help getting ready?
Jeanette: Are you kidding? You’re a guest! Just relax and enjoy your vacation.
Betty: I feel bad! You’re my older sister, I can’t let y-
Jeanette: Never call me that again.
Betty: It’s just the tru-
Jeanette: I said never again! Trust me, I’m used to throwing parties, I can put this together myself and be ready by three.
Betty: Isn’t three a little later? She’s a hundred years old, she’s going to want to be in bed by five.
Jeanette: As long as she stays awake long enough for cake, we’re fine.
Betty: Can she eat cake at her age?
Jeanette: Why wouldn’t she?
Betty: Lot of sugar
Jeanette: What harm’s it gonna do now?
Betty: Good point.
Later that day…
Teri: We’re not going to jump up and surprise her, right?
Betty: No, the goal’s not to kill her on her birthday.
Teri: Just wanted to make sure!
Karl: The door’s opening!
Danielle: This is fun, I’ve never seen someone this old in person before.
Mitchell: I need to ask her for her tips on longevity.
Teri: You are all so embarrassing! Leave this woman alone, it’s her birthday!
Jeanette: Everyone, look who it is!
Katarina: Oh, stop making a fuss! It’s just a day!
Betty: You don’t turn one hundred every day! You did it!
Katarina: I see no need to remind me of it. I know I’m on my way out, I don’t want to know just how close!
Jeanette: Stop talking like that! You’ve got plenty of time!
Katarina: You have to be joking. I’m old, I’m not a fool.
Teri: Aunt Katarina! It’s so nice to see you again!
Katarina: Which one are you, again?
Ralph: Ouch!
Teri: I’m Teri.
Katarina: I was only kidding. My goodness, you guys really must all think I’ve lost my marbles. We don’t all go off the deep end when we get ancient!
Jeanette: She’s extremely sharp. She was still driving herself to the grocery store until last year.
Katarina: I almost drove into the storefront, they decided it was time to take away my license. It’s bull!
Teri: I agree! Everyone makes mistakes!
Betty: Teri! Don’t encourage her!
Katarina: You were always a stick in the mud.
Betty: What did I say?
Katarina: I still love ya, don’t worry.
Frank: Hi, it’s so nice to meet you!
Katarina: Okay, this one I haven’t met, right? I’m not losing it?
Jeanette: No, you don’t know this one. I barely know this one.
Katarina: He seems annoying. Overly eager.
Jeanette: That’s been my experience as well.
Tammi: It’s okay, honey. I don’t think you’re that annoying.
Steven: Yes he is.
Rick: Should we start dinner?
Katarina: Why, Rick? You getting old, you have to eat at three?
Rick: I thought you would want t-
Katarina: No, I don’t eat at lunch time just because I’m old.
Danielle: Wow, she’s quite a firecracker.
Katarina: Damn right I am!
Jeanette: Well, if you’re not ready to eat, I’m gonna get us wine, we’re going to reminisce.
Katarina: That sounds fun!
Betty: Ah, man. One hundred years. I hope I’m like this at one hundred.
Katarina: For my sake, because I will still be alive then, I hope you’re right. I’ll need a fellow centenarian to have some fun adventures with!
What did you think the one hundredth episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next Thursday!
