MANNY walks through the Indianapolis Primitives’ clubhouse and into the dugout. ACE, DEVIN, ROBERT, LORENZO, FELIX, CHARLES, and HARRY are sitting on the bench.
MANNY
Miss me yet?
Everyone gives him blank stares.
MANNY
Okay, I get it, you don’t want to be here, but look at it this way: I get to be coach! Like, the real coach!
FELIX
I’m never leaving this bullpen, am I? Be honest with me.
MANNY
Don’t worry Felix, this game was just put together at the last minute. Thanks for volunteering.
FELIX
VOLUNTEERING?! That’s it, I’m leaving.
FELIX gets up to leave.
MANNY
We need a pitcher.
FELIX sits down on the bench again.
ACE
Manny, why are we even doing this again?
MANNY
You know what? That’s a good question to which I do not have an answer.
CHARLES
They had to cancel the NBA, NHL, and NFL Christmas games for health protocols and companies paid good money to get people to watch their ads so they had to show some sports game.
LORENZO
I don’t get it, why couldn’t they play?
CHARLES
Kinda hard to play football when you have to stay six feet away from the person you’re supposed to tackle. With basketball, they were gonna eject everyone with their first foul so the game would be over within five minutes, and hockey has people all over one another all the time. So that leaves us. Baseball.
DEVIN
I’m just a little surprised that none of the players showed up.
FELIX
You’re surprised that none of the players showed up for an exhibition game that was organized on very short notice with no extra pay?
DEVIN
Do it for the love of the game, though.
CHARLES
You know I love baseball too and all but I fully intended on spending Christmas at home.
HARRY
Does anyone want food? Not that I want to make any food, but I’m here and so’s the grill.
MANNY
You’re on the field today.
HARRY
Oh I don’t play baseball.
MANNY
Neither do I. Neither do any of us, really.
FELIX
I’m pitching in the minors next year!
DEVIN
And I’ll also be in the minors doing something!
MANNY
But as Primitives, none of you have exactly been active on the field.
LORENZO
It’s what’s on the inside that matters.
MANNY
Okay…
LORENZO
Anyways, I call second base!
LORENZO runs onto the field.
ROBERT
He’s gonna stand right on second base, isn’t he?
FELIX
Yep.
FELIX makes a motion to LORENZO to move off of second base. LORENZO continues to stand on the bag anyways.
MANNY
Alright everyone, take the field. That means you too, Harry.
Everyone confusedly goes to different parts of the field. ROBERT goes to crouch behind the plate in catchers’ gear.
HOME PLATE UMPIRE
TOO CLOSE!
ROBERT
I have to catch the ball…
HOME PLATE UMPIRE
Six feet from the batter at all times.
ROBERT
Understood, I’ll move back.
HOME PLATE UMPIRE
Six feet from me as well.
The batter steps up to the plate. ROBERT takes a few steps back, while the HOME PLATE UMPIRE leans against the backstop so everyone is spread out. FELIX throws the ball over the plate but ROBERT struggles to catch it. Eventually, he strikes out all three batters. ROBERT stands up.
ROBERT
I got a question for you, ump.
HOME PLATE UMPIRE [yelling]
What’s that? I can’t hear you.
ROBERT [yelling]
I got a question for you, ump. Why didn’t we take these precautions last season?
HOME PLATE UMPIRE [screaming]
Don’t raise your voice at me! I don’t like your attitude!
The HOME PLATE UMPIRE makes a motion to eject ROBERT from the game. ROBERT jogs back to the dugout.
ROBERT
You guys just lost your catcher and I’d strongly suggest you not replace him.
LORENZO
The umpire must be drunk.
DEVIN
Just because you don’t agree with what he did doesn’t mean he’s drunk.
LORENZO
What’d he do?
DEVIN
Seriously?
LORENZO
All I know is he’s been drinking the whole time we’ve been here.
HARRY
He is walking kind of wobbly…
MANNY
Whatever. It’s our turn to bat, let’s just try to have fun with this.
FELIX
You bat then.
MANNY
Fine. I will.
MANNY grabs a bat, puts on a helmet, and walks up to the plate. He swings, hits a weak ground ball back to the pitcher, and starts to run to first base. No fielder covers first base for the sake of staying at least six feet away, so he ends up safe. The HOME PLATE UMPIRE calls him out. MANNY storms back to the dugout.
MANNY
Change in plans, guys. This game’s over, let’s just say we win. Merry Christmas everyone.
ACE
But what about the advertisers? There’s probably a solid hour’s worth of advertisements just waiting to be aired during the baseball game!
MANNY
They were waiting to be aired during a much higher-rated football game. Merry Christmas everyone.
Everyone leaves.