Marietta: Sarah, can you help me carry these presents out to the car?
Sarah: Which presents?
Marietta: The ones on the table.
Sarah: Which table?
Marietta: You know what, never mind. I’ll get them myself.
Sarah: You’re not in a very merry mood.
Marietta: Maybe if I had help with the dozens of presents I have to carry out to the car, I’d be cheerier.
Sarah: I’ll help you if you show me where the presents are.
Marietta: Are you blind?
Sarah: No, I just like giving you a hard time.
Marietta: You’ll stop that if you want any presents this Christmas.
Sarah: Okay, let’s get packing the car!
Thirty minutes later, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Sarah: Wow, she’s added even more since we were here last.
Marietta: She’ll still be adding decorations even after Christmas is over.
The door opens.
Martin: Marietta! You’re early!
Sarah: That’s something that hasn’t happened before!
Marietta: I was early last week, so shut up.
Martin: You were on time.
Marietta: That’s early for me!
Martin: You’re not wrong. Now, come on in before you end up being late.
Marietta: Where’s mom?
Martin: Making eggnog and Christmas cookies with your aunt Kathleen. Well, aunt Kathleen is drinking the rum. She’s not really helping with the baking.
Marietta: Sounds like Christmas to me.
Ten minutes later…
Amy: Howdy!
Tammy: Amy! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?
Amy: I did, you just don’t listen.
Mitch: That sounds like Tammy.
Tammy: So, Marietta. Who all is coming?
Marietta: Do I look like I know?
Kathleen: I’m two glasses of rum in and even I know. It’s y’all, plus Milton, Kyle and Maria, Moira and Eliza and her family.
Tammy: No Kate and Ellie?
Kathleen: Not this year. Apparently their families actually want to see them this Christmas.
Tammy: That’s what they claim. Maybe they just don’t want to deal with Ebenezer over there.
Mitch: I am no Scrooge! Sure, I was a crank last year but I’ve seen the error of my ways and now I’m thrilled for Christmas!
Martin: Keep up that spirit, Mitch! We’re having Christmas karaoke tonight!
Tammy: I don’t think you want him to sing.
Patty Lynn: You’re joking!
Tammy: No, not really. He’s tone deaf.
Patty Lynn: You have to get home for Christmas!
Tammy: Aren’t we already?
Kathleen: I think she’s on the phone.
Tammy: With who?
Patty Lynn: Just get home. You have to get home!
Patty Lynn walks out into the living room.
Patty Lynn: I bring terrible news.
Marietta: Oh, dagnabbit…
Martin: What’s going on, darling?
Patty Lynn: Milton just called. There’s a snowstorm in DC and all of the flights are canceled.
Martin: Milton won’t be home for Christmas?
Patty Lynn: No!
Amy: Oh boy, this is gonna be quite the meltdown.
Patty Lynn: How can we have Christmas without one of my babies?
Marietta: While I was a senator, I spent most of my Christmases back in DC.
Patty Lynn: That’s different!
Marietta: How is the different?
Kathleen: She was saner back then.
Martin: She wasn’t.
Patty Lynn: Ignoring those hateful comments that we will circle back to, it’s different because I’ve never had a Christmas without Milton. I became used to Christmas without you.
Marietta: I’m glad that it’s so much easier to do Christmas without me than it is to do Christmas without Milton.
Patty Lynn: I’m not saying that! It’s just that I understood why you didn’t drag your family down here to celebrate Christmas when you made a home in DC. Milton doesn’t have a family in DC, so he’s going to be all alone.
Sarah: Pause the conversation. I feel like I should be offended by that statement, but I’m not, so I’m trying to work up some outrage.
Patty Lynn: Anyway, Marietta, do you understand why I’m so upset.
Marietta: I get it, but there’s nothing we can do. He’ll get home soon enough and we can celebrate with him then. As for now, what if we FaceTime him tomorrow morning? He can still be part of the celebration even if he’s not here.
Patty Lynn: I suppose, but it won’t be the same.
The front door swings open.
Eliza: So this is Christmas!
Elena: Honey, read the room.
Eliza: Why does it look like a funeral in here?
Henrietta: I didn’t pack any black clothing, no one better be dead.
Marietta: No one is dead aside from mom’s dreams.
Eliza: What’s wrong? Are the tree lights not working? Are the inflatable decorations broken? Did the presents get stolen? Did someone bring fruitcake?
Patty Lynn: None of that. Milton’s flight was canceled!
Elena: I head about the DC blizzard.
Henrietta: At least they’re getting a white Christmas!
Eliza: Honey, not the time.
Moira: Am I late? I was wrapping gifts!
Martin: Oh, honey…
Moira: You all look sad. Except Marietta, she has sort-of… twisted smile?
Marietta: What? Me?
Moira: What’s going on?
Sarah: My dad is stuck in DC because of the snowstorm. He’s not making it home for Christmas.
Moira: Why didn’t he call me?
Patty Lynn: We just found out. I cried on the phone and told him my life was ruined, so I can understand that he’s not eager to call anyone else with the news.
Marietta’s phone rings.
Marietta: Speak of the devil!
Marietta answers.
Milton: Marietta Christmas!
Marietta: Haven’t heard that one before…
Milton: Where are you?
Marietta: Mom and dad’s.
Milton: Are you around people?
Marietta: Sure am! More than anyone should ever be around on Christmas.
Milton: Can you go somewhere private?
Marietta: In this house
Milton: Just try
Marietta: I’ll try…
Milton: Thank you.
Marietta walks to the bathroom.
Milton: Are you in the bathroom?
Marietta: How’d you know?
Milton: I hear mom’s rockin’ Santa decoration that she keeps on the bathroom shelf.
Marietta: That thing is terrifying.
Milton: I’ve often dreamed of dropping it in the toilet.
Marietta: So, what is so secret that it necessitates me going somewhere private?
Milton: I don’t want you to tell mom or anyone else in case it fall through, but I know you won’t care so I can tell you. I’m driving home for Christmas.
Marietta: Driving? How many hours is that?
Ellie: Seventeen!
Kate: I’m so sick of seventeen!
Marietta: Um… what are Kate and Ellie doing there? And why are they quoting that girl that Sarah listens to all the time?
Kate: Olivia Rodrigo is a way of life, man.
Marietta: Is she high?
Ellie: She should be. I wish I were. It’s gonna be a long drive.
Milton: Kate and Ellie offered to go with me so we can take turns sleeping and driving. It’s going to be a long drive and this is the only way to get there in time for Christmas.
Ellie: Our families didn’t mind us coming to New Orleans for Christmas again so we figured this was the least we could do for our ole’ pal Milt!
Milton: We’ve been on the road for an hour and a half.
Marietta: You really think you’ll get here in time for Christmas?
Kate: We sure will try!
Ellie: We will get there, soundtracked by Olivia Rodrigo, Mariah Carey, the Carpenters, and beloved American murderer Phil Spector.
Marietta: Phil Spector?
Kate: His Christmas album is divine.
Marietta: He’s a murderer.
Ellie: He’s only the producer of the album, it’s not a big deal.
Milton: Anyway, we’d better let you go. You’ve been in the bathroom for a while, bad implications come along with that.
Marietta: I’ll see you soon. Drive safe!
Ellie: Thanks! The weather outside is frightful, we can take all the well wishes we can get.
Milton: Bye Marietta! Have fun with mom!
Marietta: Ah!
Marietta hangs up and goes back to the living room.
Marietta: I’m gone five minutes and you’ve all moved to the dining room?
Patty Lynn: The food was ready!
Marietta: We’re eating when Kyle isn’t even here yet?
Kyle: Hi, mom!
Marietta: When did you get here?
Maria: We snuck in while you were in the… you know.
Marietta: Bathroom? We all go!
Tammy: You really couldn’t wait to use the bathroom until your call was done? That’s so gross.
Marietta: Ah, shut it.
Patty Lynn: Sit down and eat, Marietta. It’s going to get cold.
Marietta: I’m coming, I’m coming.
Sarah: Grandma made pork and beef pie. It’s first come first serve, so get it before it’s gone!
Patty Lynn: There’s plenty, stop trying to scare your aunt.
Moira: Milton still hasn’t called me. Did he mention me on the phone?
Marietta: I wish I could say he did.
Moira: I'm not spending Christmas with my family for him and he didn’t even mention me on the phone?
Kathleen: Moira, you’re a nice lady, but this is really your own fault. Why would anyone volunteer to be here?
Eliza: We all volunteered for that because it’s fun!
Maria: Some of my best Christmas memories were made in this house.
Moira: I’m having a lot of fun, but still, would be nice if my boyfriend remembered me.
Sarah: We remember you, Moira!
Moira: I’m right in front of y’all, so I’d hope you remember me.
Marietta: The pie is delicious, mom.
Patty Lynn: You aren’t even sitting down yet, how do you know?
Martin: I believe she’s eating it right out of the pie plate.
Marietta: It’s been a long day.
Eliza: Also, there was only one slice left in the plate.
Marietta: See, I’m just saving you a dish!
Patty Lynn: I do appreciate it, actually. Now, let’s all hurry up and finish so we can get to the Christmas fun!
Kathleen: She works for hours on these pies and then wants us to finish up eating them within ten minutes. Funny how that works.
Thirty minutes later…
Martin: Okay, everyone. It’s what we’ve all been waiting for. Time for Christmas karaoke! Who’s going first?
Marietta: Not me.
Mitch: I’ll go.
Tammy: You don’t have to do this, Mitch.
Mitch (singing, horribly): I’m dreaming tonight of a place I love, even more than I usually do. And although I know, it’s a long road back, I promise you… I’ll be home for Christmas.
Tammy: Mitch, knock it off!
Amy: I was quite entertained by that, please keep going.
Mitch: Come on, Tammy. It moved Patty Lynn to tears!
Patty Lynn: I’m crying because I miss Milton! That song reminded me he’s not going to be home for Christmas.
Mitch: I’m sorry… I’ll sit down.
Tammy: I think that would be best for all involved.
Martin: Who’s next?
Henrietta: I’ll go. I already know what I’m going to sing.
Martin: Step right up!
Kathleen: The good news is, it couldn’t be any worse than the last one.
Sarah: Aunt Kathleen, that’s the former President that you’re talking about!
Kathleen: He knows he can’t sing. Right?
Martin: Henrietta, go ahead.
Henrietta: I’m a little scared now.
Martin: Just ignore Kathleen, we all do.
Kathleen: He’s right. I might as well be the stuffed snowman sitting on the coffee table.
Martin: No, we’d listen to the snowman if it started talking.
Eliza: Honey, we’re waiting for you to sing.
Maria: Take your time, I’m still picking a song.
Eliza: I’m ready to go!
Henrietta: I’m starting, calm down mom!
Martin: Starting the music now! Eliza, Elena, you do backup vocals.
Elena: I was born for this.
Eliza and Elena (singing): Christmas!
Henrietta (singing): The snow’s coming down!
Eliza and Elena (singing): Christmas!
Henrietta (singing): I’m watching it fall!
Eliza and Elena (singing): Christmas!
Henrietta (singing): Lots of people around
Eliza and Elena (singing): Christmas!
Henrietta (singing): Baby, please come home!
Patty Lynn gets up and walks away.
Henrietta: Was it that bad?
Kathleen: No, that was actually music for a change.
Martin: I think she’s just sad. Let me go comfort her. You girls keep singing.
Ten minutes later…
Martin: So, I think Christmas karaoke is off for tonight. We’re going to watch a movie.
Amy: What movie? I have some thoughts.
Martin: We all love Elf, so we’re going with that. It’s not sad, so it shouldn’t be too triggering for Patty Lynn.
Sarah: Do we have time to make popcorn?
Martin: Do whatever you need. It takes forever for the DVD to start, anyway.
Patty Lynn: Hey, y’all. I’m sorry for ruining your Christmas Eve. I’m just a bit too emotional today, I suppose.
Eliza: You didn’t ruin anything.
Henrietta: Well, besides my killer karaoke performance.
Marietta: Mother, we’re still together and we’re having fun.
Amy: I got to see Mitch sing terrible Christmas-themed karaoke. What more could one want from a holiday?
Patty Lynn: You’re all being so sweet. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I appreciate you all being here. Even you, Kathleen. You’re keeping this Christmas as merry as it could be under the circumstances.
Kathleen: I’m so happy to be your rock.
Patty Lynn: Let’s not go that far.
Five hours later…
Marietta: Okay, y’all. I think it’s time for bed. Mom cried six times during Elf and somehow three times during National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, so I think she’s all cried out. Tomorrow will be only happy thoughts!
Patty Lynn: You know, Milton would be here right now if Kate hadn’t insisted on working until late last night trying to pass that bill.
Martin: Honey, time to go to sleep and dream visions of sugar plums.
Patty Lynn: I know, I know.
Eliza: Merry Christmas, everybody!
Kyle: Nothing says a Landfield Family Christmas like twenty people crammed into one house, sleeping on couches and in sleeping bags.
Mitch: It’s so magical.
The next day…
Sarah: Wake up, everybody! It’s Christmas!
Martin: Honey, it’s six o’clock.
Patty Lynn: We’ve overslept!
Martin: Have we?
Patty Lynn: We have a battalion downstairs waiting for Christmas gifts. If we don’t get moving now, we’ll won’t be done opening presents until noon!
Amy: I don’t mean to alarm you, but there appears to be a man sleeping at your front door.
Sarah: I bet it was a burglar, like from Home Alone.
Tammy: I’m pretty sure it’s not.
Sarah: How would you know?
Milton: She has her reasons.
Sarah: Dad!
Patty Lynn: Milton! Oh my god! How?
Milton: Kate and Ellie were so gracious and gave up their family holidays to give me mine. We switched off driving so we could make it in overnight.
Ellie: As the person who has spent the last seven hours driving, I have an important question.
Martin: What’s that?
Ellie: Where is there an available bed?
Kate: She’ll also take a soft stretch of carpet.
Ellie: I will.
Kathleen: I’ll show you to a free spot.
Ellie: Thank you, Rue McClanahan.
Kathleen: Do I really look like Blanche from The Golden Girls?
Martin: Eh…
Marietta: You made it!
Milton: I made it! Now, let’s get this Christmas started!
Patty Lynn: Christmas is saved!
Ellie: You’re welcome.
Marietta: This was the hardest secret I’ve ever had to keep.
Patty Lynn: You knew?
Marietta: Present time, kiddos!
Patty Lynn: Top-notch distraction skills. I'm proud.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments, listen to the official playlist, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the Raymond Island holiday special next week and the Marietta midseason premiere in January!
