Cindy is making dinner in the kitchen when Velma walks in.
Cindy: Oh my god, finally another person. This house has been freakishly quiet.
Velma: Yeah, where is everyone?
Cindy: Mom and dad are at the boutique with Jerry and Mitchell, Tammi and Frank are at school for a parent teacher conference, Teri and Danielle are out Christmas shopping -
Velma: Without me?
Cindy: and Ralph is sleeping on the couch.
Ralph: Not sleeping! Reading!
Cindy: You may as well be sleeping.
Ralph: That’s such a nice way for someone shaping the future of our youth to speak about reading.
Cindy: Unless it’ the Bible, it’s boring!
Velma: Oh, my god!
Cindy: I don’t know what that’s about, but I’m not unconcerned.
Velma: Look at this.
Cindy: I need my glasses.
Velma: They’re on my face.
Cindy: Then I need stronger glasses.
Ralph: Can you just tell us so Cindy doesn’t have to steal mom’s glasses and I don’t have to get off the couch?
Velma: The electric bill was astronomically high.
Cindy: I need context here. Is it larger than usual or is this just the first time you’ve looked at the electric bill?
Velma: Are you joking? I’m one of the only ones who actually bothers to look at the bills around her.
Cindy: So, how bad?
Velma: Seven hundred dollars.
Cindy: Are you serious?
Velma: Serious as a heart attack, which, coincidentally, is almost what this bill gave me.
Ralph: Surely it’s a mistake.
Velma: No, it’s real. It’s because of those Halloween decorations that Betty put out.
Ralph: Thankfully, Christmas is coming! Those costs will go right down!
Cindy: What are we going to do? Grin and bear it?
Velma: I’ll figure something out. First, I want to unwind and watch some TV. Work was a real pain in the ass today.
Cindy: My day wasn’t great either. In fact, it was so bad that coming home to cook for thirteen people is actually helping me relax.
One hour later…
Teri: Mom, what are you wearing?
Betty: The new Christmas sweater that just arrived at the boutique.
Teri: That is a crime against humanity.
Betty: It’s nice! Jerry, tell Teri how much you love it!
Jerry: I’m not getting involved in this.
Teri: That’s a first.
Mitchell: He already got in trouble today.
Cindy: For what?
Mitchell: Telling Betty the sweater was ugly.
Jerry: Mitchell! I’m not blood related, I can hit you.
Teri: He’s Army, Mitch. He knows ways to bump you off and make sure no one ever finds you.
Tammi: Merry Christmas, everybody!
Velma: Speaking of Christmas…
Danielle: Oh no, she knows about the shopping…
Velma: I do, but that’s not it. Still hurts, though!
Danielle: You were working, we thought it’d be a great opportunity to go without you so we could get your Christmas gift!
Velma: You could get it while I’m with, I’d look away!
Danielle: We’ll go again next week.
Teri: What is it that you wanted to say about Christmas?
Velma: Oh, right!
Betty: Is it that you’re so excited that it’s here? I am, too. It’s the most wonderf-
Velma: No, it’s that the electric bill came today.
Betty: What does that have to do with Christmas?
Frank: Maybe someone was in the Christmas spirit and paid off our bill for us this month!
Velma: Shut up, Frank!
Tammi: I can’t say that one was undeserved, honey.
Frank: What did I do?
Tammi: Hon, shut up!
Velma: Our bill was so high that I nearly entered cardiac arrest. Seven-hundred dollars.
Teri: What the f-
Betty: I still don’t see what this has to do with Christmas.
Velma: We can’t have a crazy Christmas display like we always do. It isn’t financially feasible.
Betty: I have to have a bigger display than ever this year! I need to compete with Anita!
Tammi: You mean to tell me you’re planning on adding to what’s already out there? How?
Jerry: She’s a madwoman.
Mitchell: She spent the entire day today decorating the store. She painted the facade in red and green stripes and put inflatables on the concrete. I don’t think that’s legal. Any of it.
Velma: Yeah, this is what we need to avoid here. What’s out there right now is already too much.
Betty: Velma, I can’t be one of those insane people that puts up less decorations for Christmas than for Halloween!
Velma: Just turn half of them on one night and the other half on the next night.
Betty: That’s insane, too! Do you know what inflatable Christmas decorations look like when they’re not turned on? Like shi-
Teri: I need alcohol.
Mitchell: I could use some, too.
Teri: I’ll just pour a glass for everyone, we can all use some at this point.
Velma: Does everyone else understand my point of view? This decorating is way too expensive for us! We’re the family in the neighborhood that makes weary parents say “imagine their electric bill” when they drive by. We can’t afford to be those people!
Betty: If we aren’t those people, Anita will be that person!
Velma: Let her!
Ralph: Mom, your obsession with Anita is becoming unhealthy.
Karl: Becoming?
Betty: Karl! You betrayed me!
Steven: Hey, I like that song!
Betty: You’re grandma Betty is hip to the kid music. She listens to the radio. She knows Olivia… whatsherface.
Danielle: Rodrigo!
Betty: That’s her!
Frank: He’s listening to music sung by a communist?
Teri: I love how mom points to the fact that she listens to music in the least-cool way imaginable to prove that she is, in fact, one of the cool kids.
Velma: So, Betty, do you agree that -
Frank: My joke was funny and no one responded.
Velma: You interrupt me one time and I’m filling your stocking with coal and hitting you with it!
Frank: She has rag-
Tammi: Frank, stop now.
Mitchell: She’ll do it.
Velma: Can we all agree that we can tone down the decorating? At least the stuff that involves electric.
Betty: Fine. If it’ll stop your arguing about it, I’ll do it, Grinchina.
Velma: Grinchina? I’m no Grinch! I love Christmas!
Betty: You’re not acting like it.
Teri: She’s right, you’re not.
Velma: I’m trying to save us money that we really need. The boutique costs a lot to maintain, we don’t have money to throw away.
Betty: But when you divide it among us, it’s not tha-
Ralph: Mom, just tone it down a bit. That’s all she’s asking.
Velma: Actually, it has to be toned down by like fifty percent. We’ll still be one of the brightest houses in the neighborhood.
Betty: I already agreed to it, stop trying to sell me on it. So, who wants to watch Christmas Vacation?
Cindy: Mom, we have to eat?
Betty: Do we?
Cindy: I worked hard on this meal after a long day at work. Yes, we do have to eat.
Betty: I was only pulling your leg. It looks good.
Ralph: She’s very proud of it. She kept interrupting my reading just to talk about it.
Cindy: You’re welcome.
Three nights later, Betty is at the mailbox when Anita drives by.
Anita: Betty!
Betty: Oh god, is this like some sort of Christmas Carol situation? Are you my Marley?
Anita: Am I your what?
Betty: Why are you here?
Anita: This may come as news to you, but I actually live in this neighborhood.
Betty: Why are you parked in front of my house?
Anita: I’m trying to look t your Christmas lights and greet my dear friend. I have to ask, though. Why does your yard look… like that?
Betty: Like what?
Anita: Half of it is plugged in and the other half is not. I don’t know if you’re making some sort of a political statement or if you’ve just gone even more insane and actually like it this way.
Betty: I think you need to mind your own business.
Anita: You’re never going to get on Bob Black’s Christmas light tour when half your lights aren’t turned on!
Betty: And you’re never going to go to Heaven if you keep treating everyone so terribly.
Anita: That is too far!
Betty: I think you should get going before someone speeds down this road and runs into your car.
Anita: If you want me to leave that bad, just say it. I know I intimidate you.
Betty: There’s a car coming!
Anita: Stop lyi-
A car comes to a quick stop right behind Anita’s.
Anita: Okay, I’d better go.
Betty: Happy holidays!
Anita: Yeah, screw you.
Betty: That’s not very nice.
Anita: You just told me I’m going to hell!
Betty: It’s nice to be honest with people!
Betty walks into the house.
Betty: Guys, I have something to say.
Velma: This should be good.
Betty: Anita just re-
Ralph: Again with Anita?
Betty: Just listen to me!
Ralph: We are!
Betty: She reminded me that Bob Black is driving around the tai-county area once again for his Christmas light tour. I submitted us before Mrs. Grinch stole Christmas.
Velma: I did not!
Betty: If he drives past our house he’s going to see a half-dark, ugly display that is not merry at all. I can’t have our reputation ruined.
Velma: Email him and tell him the display is canceled.
Betty: It’s not canceled, it’s out right now! All I have to do is plug it in and the yard looks like Christmas threw up in it all over again! It’s just for this Saturday and Sunday, when he’s making his list.
Velma: What will you do if you inevitably get on the list, then? Wouldn’t it ruin your reputation even more if you end up on a light tour in the most-read newspaper in Henrico County and your display didn’t live up to the hype?
Betty: You are annoying me now!
Jerry: It’s a good question. She has a point.
Betty: I’ve been on the list every year since we moved here, I was on the list at my old house the last five years I moved there. I can’t lose this!
Teri: Mom…
Betty: Now you’re on her side?
Teri: I’m not taking sides, I just want you to think rationally here. If it’s too much money to turn on all of the lights, and it doesn’t look right without them all on, that would ruin your reputation a bit. No?
Betty: What can I do, then?
Teri: Like Velma said, email Bob Black and tell him not to worry about driving by our house this year for the list.
Betty: Will I ever be able to do my full display again? This is ruining my Christmas spirit!
Jerry: You don’t need lights and inflatable to celebrate Christmas. All you need is faith in Christ!
Betty: I do have faith in Christ, but I also don’t see anything wrong with celebrating in a fun and festive way. I can pay the electric bill if it’s that much trouble!
Karl: Honey, you don’t have the money to do that. I don’t either.
Betty: I can use the money from the boutique!
Karl: We have to use any money we’re making from that to recoup the costs of rent and inventory.
Mitchell: And to pay Jerry and me!
Betty: I will email Bob. Remember my sacrifice, though. I did this for all of you.
Velma: We really appreciate it.
Betty: You nauseate me.
Velma: That’s harsh.
Betty: I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot poll!
Danielle: She’s just saying lyrics to the Grinch song, don’t worry.
Betty: You’re a vile one, Mrs. Grinch!
Frank: Let me know when she’s done, I don’t need to hear her off-key butchering of a holiday classic.
Betty: Shut up, Frank!
Later that night, Mitchell sits down in bed.
Mitchell: I don’t feel so good about this.
Velma: Did the quesadillas upset your stomach? Do you need some Tums?
Mitchell: I mean I feel bad about Betty’s Christmas lights.
Velma: I know, she really needs to take the ones that aren’t plugged in down.
Mitchell: You’re not getting it. I feel bad for her. They mean a lot to her.
Velma: I get what you mean, but not spending a thousand dollars on lights means a lot to me.
Mitchell: You really do sound like a Grinch. It’s Christmas!
Velma: I can tell from that ugly shirt you have on. How gaudy!
Mitchell: I’d rather wear something gaudy than ruin someone’s Christmas spirit.
Velma: You think that electric bill is reasonable?
Mitchell: Reasonable? Of course not. You know how much I hate paying for unnecessary things. If it helps Betty be happy, though, I really think it’s worth it.
Velma: If the bill rises to eight hundred, like it most-likely will, the two of us together will be paying over one hundred and forty dollars. You okay with that?
Mitchell: Yes, I’m fine.
Velma: I’ll ask the others if they’re okay with it, then.
Mitchell: Okay, good talk. Night!
Velma: Aren’t you going to watch George Lopez like every other night?
Mitchell: I do love George, but I’m tired tonight.
Velma: It’s a Christmas episode.
Mitchell: Okay, I’ll watch it.
Velma: That’s the Mitch I know!
The next day…
Velma: Guys, we need to talk quickly before Betty gets home.
Tammi: We should have plenty of time, they’re open until six tonight.
Frank: Six o’clock? Isn’t she used to eating at two?
Teri: We ate at five thirty last night, doofus.
Velma: I wanted to talk to you all about something.
Teri: That is typically expected when you call a family meeting.
Danielle: Sometimes Betty just calls one to vent about the previous night’s Succession episode, so I guess this is better than that.
Tammi: What’s going on, Velma?
Velma: Mitchell guilt-tripped me last night and made me feel sort-of bad about making Betty turn off half of her lights and pull out of the Christmas light tour. She worked hard to put them out an-
Frank: Well, she made Jerry, Karl and I work hard.
Velma: I think she should get to leave them on if that makes her happy. No matter the cost. Is everyone okay with that?
Danielle: l can pay a little more if it puts her in the Christmas spirit. I’m sure not spirited this year, so might as put someone in the Christmas mood.
Cindy: Jerry’s stingy -
Tammi: Mom…
Cindy: He is!
Tammi: Not really!
Cindy: He made me slice my toothpaste tube down the side and scrape all of it out with my toothbrush before I could get more.
Tammi: That’s just him trying to save money!
Velma: Cindy, what were you saying about Jerry?
Cindy: Oh, right. He’s stingy, but we’ll pay more if it gets mom out of her funk.
Teri: Fine…
Velma: So we’re all good for plugging in the lights?
Frank: I didn’t agree yet.
Tammi: Honey, no one cares if you agree or not.
Frank: I know.
Velma: I’m going to go email Bob Black and tell him Betty’s email was accidentally sent.
Cindy: Oh, she never sent that.
Velma: How do you know?
Cindy: I checked. She’s logged in to her email on my phone because she dropped hers in the sink last week and couldn’t go an hour without email.
Velma: Well, don’t need to worry about that, then. Guess I’ll go plug ion the lights!
Danielle: Ho-ho-ho!
Velma: What did you just call me?
Danielle: Nothing!
Two hours later…
Betty: Who turned on my lights?
Velma: We decided something today. We’re going to keep all of the lights on until the new year.
Betty: You really are the Grinch!
Velma: What?
Betty: After his heart grew three sizes!
Velma: I don’t think I have an enlarged heart.
Danielle: She’s complimenting you! Take it!
Teri: Yeah, you don’t always get that from mom.
Betty: I am so sweet to everyone. Look at my sweater! It says “Joy to the World!” I’m nice!
Jerry: You weren’t so nice to Anita today.
Betty: She knows not to come to my store.
Teri: Okay, I think we should do something Christmassy after this Christmas miracle. Let’s go drive around and look at lights! We can sing Christmas carols!
Ralph: We have to eat first!
Jerry: And it’s a Wednesday.
Teri: You people are no fun.
Betty: It’s Christmas, let’s break the rules! We can eat quick and then we’ll go admire the lights that aren’t quite as nice as mine.
Jerry: Speaking of lights, what about Bob Black? Is there time to get us back on the list? I know it means a lot to you.
Betty: About that…
Tammi: We already know, grandma.
Betty: How?
Tammi: Mom checked your emails.
Jerry: Cindy! That’s sinful!
Cindy: Okay, let’s go look at Christmas lights!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to return for the midseason premiere in January and read the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special next week!
