Frances is in her dining room when she receives a phone call.
Greg: I swear we only ever get phone calls at dinner time. Why is that?
Louise: Maybe if we ate at a normal hour…
Lauren: Mom, shut up.
Jimmy: Lauren, don’t talk to your mother like that! That’s my job!
Louise: I don’t know how wise it is to be talking like that at Christmas time…
Frances: Can I pick up the phone, or are you guys just going to ramble on?
Jimmy: Sorry, we’ll stop.
Frances answers the phone call.
Frances: What’s up?
Beverly: You’re in a cheery and festive mood.
Frances: Yeah, well, I’m trying to eat.
Beverly: I’ll try to make this quick, then.
Frances: You never do.
Beverly: Charlie called -
Frances: That’s never good.
Beverly: See, it slows me down when you interrupt.
Frances: Sorry, go ahead.
Beverly: He wants to do a grand TBC Christmas special with hosts from all of his top shows and he wants you to headline it.
Frances: Christmas is in two weeks, when is this going to be filmed?
Beverly: Wednesday.
Frances: So I have to come in on what was supposed to be my first day of Christmas break to film a Christmas special? A Christmas special where I’ll have to share screen time with DeAnna?
Beverly: I can tell him you have plans that day, but it would probably mean that DeAnna gets to headline the special and gets the big paycheck.
Frances: I’ll be there with bells on.
Beverly: That’s the petty bitch I know and love. See you then!
Frances: See you then, bye.
Frances hangs up.
Louise: What was so important that it interrupted out home-cooked meal?
Lauren: Mom, you bought this a-
Louise: Shush! Your aunt was talking.
Frances: I wasn’t.
Louise: I thought I saw your lips move.
Frances: Nope.
Louise: Anyway, you didn’t answer my question. What was that call about?
Jimmy: Someone’s nosy!
Louise: Someone’s sleeping on Frances’s couch tonight!
Frances: It wasn’t anything, really. Beverly just told me that I have to do a Christmas special for the network. I have to work with DeAnna, but that’s okay because The Grinch was always one of my favorite Christmas characters.
Jimmy: I always saw her as more of an Ebenezer Scrooge than a Grinch.
Greg: No, they both get redeemed. She’s the Burgermeister Meisterburger from Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town.
Jimmy: That is fitting.
Louise: I think we’re focusing too much now on Frances’s thing and not on my incredible cooking.
Lauren: Mom, you’re the one who asked the question.
Greg: And the chicken’s dry as a bone.
Louise: I should slap you, little man.
Greg: That’s not very merry of you.
Louise: My name’s Louise, not Mary.
Jimmy: I think he was ref- never mind.
Frances: The chicken’s great, Louise.
Louise: Thank you!
Lauren: Don’t feed her ego.
Frances: I’m just glad someone’s feeding me. That in and of itself is pretty great.
Four days later, on the TBC lot…
Lola: Hey, Frances! Long time no see!
Frances: Lola! My favorite security guard! How’ve you been? And where’ve you been?
Lola: I got promoted to the KTV Studios lot. It was super sudden, I didn’t have any time to say goodbye to anyone here.
Frances: Well, congratulations! I was worried that DeAnna’s arrival scared you off.
Lola: I’m not afraid of her or her antics.
Frances: Good, I taught you well.
Lola: You sure did!
Frances: I have another question for ya. What are you doing back here today? If I were you, I’d run and never look back.
Lola: Their normal security guards are all on break, so they asked me to come fill in while you’re filming some Christmas thing. I love Christmas, so I figured, why not?
Frances: Well, thanks for coming in. We need someone here to protect the rest of us from DeAnna. Plus, it was just nice to see you again.
Lola: Nice seeing you again too, old pal.
Frances: I gotta get going. Hopefully, I see you again on my way out. If not, now I know where to find you.
Frances walks onto the set of the special.
Beverly: Finally! I was beginning to think you got lost or that you blew it off.
Frances: No, I was just catching up with one of the old security guards that used to work here, she’s an old friend.
Jane: Security guard? There’s no security guards working here today. Beverly told me so herself.
Marcia: I personally saw multiple security guards today.
Beverly: I never said that, Jane.
Jane: Someone did.
Beverly: Uh-huh.
Frances: So, what are we doing here today?
Beverly: Waiting for Charlie to grace us with his presence.
Frances: So you’re giving me crap for not showing up even though he isn’t here, either?
Beverly: It’s so fun to get on your case!
Marcia: Give her a break, Bev. It’s Christmas!
Beverly: I know, that’s why I’m giving myself the gift of mocking Frances.
Frances: I can fire you.
Beverly: No, you can not.
Frances: I can quit the show.
DeAnna: Oh, would you? That’d just be divine.
Frances: Ugh.
DeAnna: You are such a diva. This isn’t your show only, it’s our show.
Frances: What is that supposed to mean?
DeAnna: You have no respect for me.
Frances: I’m going to say something to you that I’m certain I’ve never said: you’re right, DeAnna!
Charlie: Ladies, ladies! It’s Christmas, that’s no time to fight over nonsense!
DeAnna: She’s been in a bad attitude since she got in here. How can we let such a Grinch lead our Christmas show?
Frances: Shove it, DeAnna. I have so much Christmas spirit, I crap out mistletoe and sweat eggnog.
Jane: You should get that checked out.
Marcia: Jane, I need a coffee.
Jane: You have a full coffee in your hand.
Marcia drops the coffee.
Marcia: Whoops, not anymore. Need another one! Y’know what? Make it a hot cocoa. It’s Christmas.
Jane: Well, I’m on it.
Jane leaves.
Marcia: You’re welcome.
Frances: Now you’ve just made a scene.
Charlie: Can someone clean up this coffee? We have a show to get to. Beverly?
Beverly: I’m a producer, I don’t mop.
Marcia: Ah, don’t be such a diva.
Beverly: You made the mess, you mop it up.
Marcia: I have a show to star in.
Beverly: Star in?
Charlie: Can everyone just be quiet and get along so we can do our darn jobs? I want to be done with this in time for Christmas!
Frances: I’m ready now! Is everyone else?
DeAnna: We’ve been ready, your highness.
Frances: Okay. Then where do you want us to start, Charlie Brown?
Charlie: Could you refrain from calling me that?
Frances: Do you prefer Snoopy? You’re about as tall as him.
Charlie: Just Charlie is preferable.
Frances: Okay. Where should we start, Just Charlie?
Charlie: I put Beverly in charge of assembling the special, so it’s all on her.
Beverly: Let’s do it in chronological order. We’ll start by filming the scene with everyone together that stats the show. Where’s the fake snow machine?
Frances: Fake snow machine?
Beverly: Yeah, you’re all going to be in your winter coats holding sheet music while you go caroling. Did you not read the script?
DeAnna: Are we supposed to be shocked that Frances isn’t prepared?
Frances: Why is there a script? It’s a cooking show!
DeAnna: Do you ever stop whining? It’s supposed to be a fun Christmas thing! Enjoy the ride!
Frances: That’s rich coming from you.
Beverly: Bring in Darlene Love!
Frances: Darlene Love? What is she doing on here?
Darlene: I can leave if you want me to.
Beverly: No, beloved recording artist Darlene Love, don’t leave!
Frances: Nothing against you, Ms. Love, but what in the world is going on here? Fake snow, musical cameos? This is supposed to be a nice, simple show where we all come together to make yummy Christmas recipes. Not some big-budget Hollywood crap.
DeAnna: You sound like you belong on Fox News.
Frances: Well, I’m just tired of the commercialism of Christmas.
Beverly: It’s commercialized whether we do a dumb skit to start the show or not. The fact we’re doing any show at all is evidence of that.
Frances: That’s a good point, actually. I still hate it.
Charlie: You agreed to do it, now come on! We got a lot of show to get to!
TBC host John Franklin: Frances, now is not the time to make some moral stand. We just want to get to our Christmas break.
Frances: It’s December 14th, John. If any of us had a real job, we’d have another week and a half of work.
DeAnna: Which is why we don’t have a “real job!” Don’t be a Scrooge.
Frances: Okay, fire up the fake snow and let’s get caroling!
As a set worker turns on the snow machine, the power goes out.
DeAnna: Would you look at that? All it took was for Frances to agree to it for God to turn against the idea.
Beverly: Charlie, what are we going to do? How are there not generators?
Charlie: The power never goes out here, I didn’t think we’d need one.
Beverly: Are you kidding me?
Charlie: Let me call the power company, I’m sure it’ll be an easy fix.
Marcia: Everyone, be careful of the coffee spilled on the floor! Don’t slip on it!
Beverly: It wouldn’t be there if it we-
Marcia: I don’t want to hear it.
Frances: Well I, for one, am devastated that the metric tons of lights that we hung in this dingy old studio are now turned off.
DeAnna: I hope some ghosts visit you tonight.
Frances: One is in front of me right now.
Jane: Wow, it’s really dark in he-
Jane slips on the spilled coffee on the floor.
Marcia: I think we all knew that was coming.
Charlie: So I’ve got some bad news, guys. The power company says it’s going to take at least until five PM to fix the power. I tried to bribe them to do it earlier, but that just made the lady on the phone angry. So, I hope you can all come in tomorrow to film the special. Thanks for your troubles today, it’s all much-appreciated. You will be compensated for both days!
Frances: I can’t believe I drove all the way from Santa Barbara for this.
DeAnna: You should live a little closer and then it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
Frances: I should hit you right now.
DeAnna: War on Christmas!
Later that day, at Frances’s house…
Jimmy: Frances! You’re home early! Filming go that good?
Frances: I’m going to table that question for a second to ask what you’re doing home so early.
Jimmy: Oh, I got laid off.
Frances: Glad your bosses are in the Christmas spirit.
Jimmy: So how’d you get home so early?
Frances: Power outage at the set. Charlie’s an idiot. I’ll talk about it when everyone else gets home because it’s too much of a headache to repeat.
Jimmy: So, what do you want to do until then?
Frances: Let’s watch Scrooged.
Jimmy: I’m gonna be honest with you, I already watched Scrooged today.
Frances: How long ago did you get home?
Jimmy: I’m gonna be honest with you again. Because it’s Christmas, and at Christmas you tell the truth. I got laid off yesterday.
Frances: Oh. So, Christmas in Connecticut.
Jimmy: That movie makes me hungry for pancakes.
Frances: We have pancakes.
Jimmy: Okay, let’s watch that then.
That night, at dinner…
Greg: So, honey, how’d your big Christmas show go?
Lauren: Yeah, you excited for some time off now?
Frances: About that… I have to go in tomorrow.
Greg: Tomorrow? But today is Wednesday. You said Wednesday was your last day. Did they change the shooting day?
Frances: I did go in today, and we were going to shoot it, but then the power went out. Perhaps some divine intervention since I was not in the Christmas spirit earlier today.
Lauren: Are you in the spirit now?
Frances: Well, your father and I watched Christmas in Connecticut today and you all know that Babs Stanwyck does wonders to cheer me up.
Louise: When did the two of you do that? He only gets home an hour before I do and you weren’t watching that when I got home.
Jimmy: That’s not important.
Greg: So, Frances. You had to come home today because of a power outage? Does the studio not have generators?
Frances: Charlie, who, by the way, hates when you call him Charlie Brown, is a cheapskate who didn’t think we needed generators. So now I have to go in tomorrow. Everyone was already getting on my case today about me objecting to the commercialism of the special. It’s supposed to be simple, not some Carpenters Christmas special!
Louise: How mad did they get? Actually mad, or just, like, telling you they disagreed? Because you tend to react the same way to both of those.
Frances: They were mad! I wasn’t trying to ruin their day, I was just trying to stick to tradition! Is that so bad?
Greg: I understand wanting to stick to tradition, but don’t ruin anyone else’s fun. It’s Christmas, people like music and dancing and silly lights. Let them have it if they want it.
Lauren: Look around at our house, aunt Frances.
Frances: My house!
Lauren: Yes, your house. Look at it, though. It’s covered in Christmas junk. What’s the difference between having this here or having a special filled with this stuff?
Frances: My house was always decorated too much for Christmas. My TV specials used to be calm, and reserved. They had the spirit, but didn’t throw it in your face.
Lauren: Maybe it’s time to embrace the Christmas. It can be fun!
Greg: I love a good cheesy, over-the-top Christmas special. You do, too.
Frances: Why are you all talking to me like I’m Ebenezer Scrooge?
Greg: I don’t think we are?
Jimmy: I wasn’t saying anything at all.
Louise: Yeah, we’re gonna change that later because you have some ‘splainin’ to do.
Frances: Okay, fine. I’ll be over the top and wild about Christmas tomorrow. Will the make you people happy?
Louise: I’ll be honest. I really don’t care.
Frances: Of course you don’t.
The next day, on the TBS set…
Charlie: Oh look, Frances is here.
DeAnna: And she is late!
Marcia: She’s here at all, I’m a little surprised about that.
Frances: Merry Christmas, everybody! Plug in that snow machine, get Darlene Love in here, plug in those lights! It’s gonna be a grand show!
Beverly: We actually decided to go in a different direction based on your advice.
Charlie: And also because the power company said we had too many lights plugged in and that’s what caused the outage.
Frances: Let’s risk it. It’s worth it!
Beverly: It’s actually pretty bad for the cameras, too. So much glare.
Frances: Light a candle, curse the glare! Every silver lining’s got a touch of grey!
Beverly: Calm down, Jerry Garcia.
DeAnna: I thought she was annoying before, now look at her.
Frances: It’s Christmas, and no one has the spirit more than me! Let’s get to work, I spent all night trying out a brand-new recipe!
Charlie: You heard the lady…
DeAnna: I wish I didn’t.
Frances: Let it snow!
What did you think of the Frances in the Kitchen Christmas special? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the midseason premiere of Marietta on Monday, January 3 at 9 PM! Frances in the Kitchen returns in summer 2022!
