The group is at Sam’s for their annual holiday party.
Diane: I’ve never seen Sam look so happy at Christmas time! Nicolle, you’re a miracle worker.
Nicolle: I am good.
Sam: We have a lot to celebrate this Christmas. Diane’s cancer is shrinking, Nicolle is able to spend the holiday in California, Frances did the baking and, most importantly, Paul isn’t here.
Frances: I’m glad you appreciate my baking. I don’t get to do it all that much anymore, so it’s nice to get some recognition for it when I do.
Garry: Diane, you didn’t tell me about your cancer shrinking! That’s amazing!
Diane: I didn’t?
Garry: I’d remember if you did.
Sam: You’re Garry. I sorta doubt you’d remember anything at all.
Nicolle: Sam, it’s Christmas. Lay off Garry.
Sam: Fine…
Garry: Thank you, Nicolle. You’re a doll.
Nicolle: Many people are saying this.
Leslie: Frances, these cookies are divine! Why don’t you make these more often.
Frances: You never asked.
There is a knock at the door.
Sam: Ooh, there’s my special surprise!
Charlotte: I’ve never seen you so girlishly giddy before!
Sam: I’m just so excited for you to see this big surprise!
Diane: I bet it’s Paul!
Sam: That better be a joke.
Nicolle: Is no one going to open the door? Guess I’ll get it…
Nicolle opens the door.
Melanie: Special delivery from the North Pole!
Diane: Melanie! How did you get here?
Leslie: Our holiday parties are great, but I don’t know if I’d fly across the country for them…
Melanie: Sam paid for me to fly out here to see you guys. I wanted to celebrate Diane’s good news. The holiday party is just an added perk.
Sam: Did you take an Uber here?
Melanie: Yeah.
Sam: I’ll pay for that, too. The prices to get an Uber from LAX are insane!
Melanie: Sam, you’ve been far too kind.
Diane: I can’t believe you did this for me! I’m not even cured, it’s just a positive development.
Melanie: You look so good, Diane. I’m so happy for you.
Diane: Don’t be too happy. This is a wig, it’s not even my real hair. There’s so much makeup caked on this fac-
Charlotte: Positive thinking! Diane, you’re getting better and we’re celebrating that!
Leslie: We’re also celebrating Jesus!
Garry: Since when do you talk about religion?
Leslie: I’ve always been religious, you just don’t listen.
Sam: He really doesn’t. It’s why I ha-
Nicolle: Samantha!
Sam: Sorry, sorry.
Diane: I think we should have dinner now. I know we spoiled our appetites by eating Frances’s cookies, but the oven is going off.
Melanie: Ooh, what are we having? Those little bags of pretzels on the airplane don’t exactly hold you over for a seven-hour flight.
Nicolle: Roast beef!
Sam: I suggested roast beast, like from The Grinch. Nicolle shot that down.
Nicolle: It’s not real, Sam!
Sam: It is if you believe.
Garry: Wow, she’s so much more fun and nice when she’s happy.
Frances: She just said she hated you, like, two minutes ago.
Garry: She didn’t finish saying it, and that’s still a big improvement over what she normally says.
Frances: That is so sad.
Ten minutes later…
Sam: Okay, dinner is served!
Melanie: I see you let Diane pick out the music tonight.
Sam: Why do you say that?
Charlotte: I think we all know, Sam.
Sam: I don’t. I don’t know who picked out the music.
Melanie: We’re currently listening to Olivia Rodrigo singing a Joni Mitchell Christmas song.
Leslie: The saddest Christmas song in existence, I might add. Why are you singing about making your baby cry? It’s Christmas!
Nicolle: Diane mentioned that she had a Christmas playlist that she really loved, I told her to play it on our Alexa. I’ve enjoyed the music, so I thought Diane did a great job.
Diane: Thank you, Nicolle. I’m glad someone here appreciates quality music.
Melanie: I like it, too. It’s just very Diane. Nothing wrong with that!
Sam: How is everyone enjoying the roast beef?
Garry: I -
Sam: Not you.
Nicolle: Sam!
Sam: Kidding!
Garry: So I’m allowed to share my thoughts on the food?
Sam (through gritted teeth): Uh-huh.
Garry: I think it’s great.
Nicolle: See, was that so hard?
Sam: No comment.
Charlotte: I can’t believe Christmas is in two weeks! It’s flying by this year. Speaking of flying…
Frances: Nice segue.
Charlotte: What’s everyone doing this Christmas? As always, I’m flying back home to London for a nice couple of weeks with my mum and dad.
Diane: You’re not going to be here?
Charlotte: I never am!
Diane: You’re not?
Sam: Diane, are you slipping?
Diane: I just didn’t call her leaving the States last Christmas.
Charlotte: I do every year. Don’t worry, it’s nothing against you guys. I wouldn’t mind spending Christmas here with you, but my mum would be so disappointed.
Frances: I’m also flying home for Christmas. Jimmy and Louise asked me to come to Michigan, and I couldn’t refuse. It’s been a while since I’ve spent it with them.
Diane: Is anyone spending Christmas in California?
Garry: Carly and I are. At her mom’s, with all her siblings.
Carly: Mom said I had to come or I was out of the will after Garry’s little Rhode Island stunt.
Leslie: What Rhode Island stunt?
Garry: I didn’t tell her when we was going to Rhode Island so she wouldn’t be able to come and be overbearing for three months straight.
Sam: I respect that. Good job, Garry.
Nicolle: Way to be in the Christmas spirit!
Diane: Is anyone else spending Christmas here? I feel like I’m the only one that doesn’t have plans yet.
Garry: Sam’s probably going to be busy stealing Christmas decorations from all the Whos.
Sam: See! He struck first!
Nicolle: This time…
Leslie: I don’t have plans, either. I’ll probably just stay home and watch Love Actually and cry when Alan Rickman cheats on Emma Thompson.
Sam: I’m seeing a love connection here! Maybe you two can spend your holiday together!
Diane: You’re ditching me?
Sam: Nicolle and I haven’t been able to spend Christmas together in years, and I just want to have a quiet Christmas with her. Alone.
Diane: Oh, I see.
Frances: Nicolle, maybe you should put on some Olivia Rodrigo to calm her down. Traitor, Good 4 U, those are her favorites.
Sam: I don’t think that would calm her.
Frances: It can’t be worse than Blue Christmas!
Diane: I’m fine, guys! I’m fine! If Leslie wants, we’e going to have a wonderful Christmas together.
Charlotte (singing): Simply having a wond-
Diane: Honey, I love you. Any song but that.
Charlotte: You don’t love Sir Paul McCartney?
Diane: I love Sir Paul. I don’t love that song and I know you don’t, either.
Charlotte: Oh, it drives me batty. I must hear it once though so I can complain about it. A Christmas tradition.
Nicolle: Y’all enjoying your roast beast? I mean, beef!
Sam: Ha! Got ya!
Leslie: It’s great, girls. And, Diane, I don’t mean to invite myself to your house, but I’d love to come over for Christmas if you’d have me.
Diane: My house is all decorated with no one to see it, so sure, come on over! Also, I’d love your company. But the decorations are why I want you to come over to my place.
Leslie: I love Christmas decorations, and I barely even got mine out.
Sam: I am a miracle worker.
Nicolle: Speaking of miracles, we flew Melanie all the way out here, just to ignore her. Let’s ask her about her plans for Christmas!
Sam: You’re right, I’m so rude.
Melanie: Well, I have to fly back home to Rhode Island, which I’m dreading. I did my Christmas shopping in advance, knowing that I was coming out here for a week -
Diane: How long have you known you were coming out here?
Melanie: Uh… couple… days?
Diane: Melanie…
Melanie: A month.
Diane: I didn’t get my good cancer news a month ago. Sam, was this surprise planned in the event the I got bad news and this could be my last Christmas?
Sam: No comment.
Frances: Speaking of travel, I dread going to Michigan. So cold, and such a crappy flight. Plus, my hundred-year-old great aunt who is somehow still alive and looks like Zsa Zsa Gabor is so judgmental.
Diane: You don’t have to go.
Frances: No, I want to.
Diane: Um… do you?
Frances: Don’t be silly, of course I do!
Charlotte: I don't think this is worth continued elaboration.
Nicolle: So who’s ready for Christmas karaoke?
Garry: I’m in, as long as I’m not singing Heart’s All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You.
Nicolle: Huh? It’s Christmas, why would you sing that?
Carly: Yeah, Garry. Why?
Frances: Ignore him.
Sam: I’m starting! Put on Darlene Love’s version of A Marshmallow World!
Nicolle: You do love that song.
Diane: Even if this party was put together under misleading circumstances, I’m glad we all got together for Christmas. You guys are my family.
Garry: Speaking of your family, what about your kids?
Diane: They’re going to Fiji. Ugh. Christmas in the tropics is so gross.
Sam: Yeah, Christmas in Malibu is so much better.
Diane: I live in Santa Monica! Santa is in the name!
Garry: I live in Malibu.
Sam: That’s right, that’s why I never go to Malibu.
Nicolle: This is my last warning!
Garry: Ooh, Sam got in trouble!
Weeks later, on Christmas day…
Diane: Leslie, you’re so early!
Leslie: Am I too early?
Diane: Only if you mind that the food isn’t ready yet.
Leslie: I don’t mind at all, especially since I didn’t have time to bake my mac and cheese before I left.
Diane: Considering you're an hour early, you probably had the time. Don’t worry, though! I have a double oven!
Leslie: My god, Diane. This house is decorated from top to bottom in Christmas decorations. All I put out is a little tree and my nativity scene.
Diane: I sorta put into my head the idea that this could be my last Christmas, so I wanted it to be as festive as possible. I started decorating on November 1st!
Leslie: You are far more resilient and dedicated than I.
Diane: I’m more dedicated to decorating than most people, to be fair. My kids have called me a “Christmas freak.”
Leslie: It’s much better to be dedicated to something like Christmas, which brings joy, than just about anything else you can become addicted to.
Diane: Like how Sam is addicted to harassing Garry.
Leslie: Or like how Frances is addicted to -
Leslie gets a phone call.
Leslie: Speaking of the devil…
Diane: What are the odds?
Leslie: I’m just kidding, its Paul.
Diane: Is he going to try to get us to head to work to film a live Christmas special?
Leslie: Guess we’ll have to find out!
Leslie answers.
Paul: Leslie! Merry Christmas!
Leslie: Since when do you call me on Christmas?
Paul: We’re friends! I just wanted to wish you a cheerful yuletide!
Leslie: That doesn’t feel like proper English, but I’ll let it slide.
Paul: Have a cool yule!
Leslie: Better, Louis Armstrong!
Paul: How are you on this fine Christmas afternoon?
Leslie: I’m fine. Just got to Diane’s to celebrate the day. And you?
Paul: Same old, same old.
Leslie: Oh, now I’m getting a call from Frances. I should probably get going and pick that up.
Paul: Well, have a nice holiday. See you in a few weeks!
Leslie: Don’t remind me!
Leslie answers Frances’s call.
Frances: Leslie, bad news.
Leslie: What’s wrong? Did Santa’s sleigh crash in Saginaw?
Frances: It may as well have. A freak blizzard in Michigan canceled all the flights last night! I would’ve called sooner, but I had to figure out if I could manage a Planes, Trains and Automobiles-like cross-country journey. I can’t.
Leslie: Is that actually bad news for you? You absolutely did not want to go.
Frances: I know, but now I’ll have to go for New Year’s. I wanted to get it over with now!
Leslie: Truly heartwarming stuff.
Frances: Would Diane mind an extra guest?
Leslie: I’ll ask her.
Diane: Frances can come!
Leslie: How’d you know?
Diane: You put it on speakerphone.
Frances: Leslie…
Diane: See ya soon, Frannie!
Frances: Not if you keep calling me that!
Diane: Ah, bah humbug!
Leslie hangs up.
Leslie: So, three for Christmas. That’s better!
Diane: Certainly is. We’re now just three away from a truly festive night!
Thirty minutes later, there is a knock at the door.
Leslie: Looks like Frances is here! I hope she made cookies.
Diane: How fast did she drive? A hundred-and-thirty miles an hour?
Leslie: You never know with Frances.
Leslie opens the door.
Garry: I hope you don’t mind us stopping in.
Carly: Christmas at mom’s was a di-
Diane: Perfect!
Carly: No, it was an absolute nightmare.
Diane: We’re all together!
Garry: Charlotte and Frances aren’t here!
Leslie: But Frances is on her way!
Garry: Isn’t she in Michigan?
Leslie: I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who doesn’t watch the weather.
Diane: I should call Sam, I don’t want her to feel left out.
Garry: Must you? She's going to make fun of my sweater and my tie.
Carly: She can’t say anything worse than my mom said.
Leslie I don’t want to be cruel, but I’d also love to know what was said.
Garry: She said I look like -
Diane gets a call from Sam.
Diane: Ooh, that’s Sam! I better answer.
Garry: Ole’ Garry, always destined to be igno-
Diane answers.
Sam: Diane, I hope you don’t mind, but Nicolle and I are on the way over. I thought about what you said, and I realized that it’s not Christmas without us being together.
Diane: I don’t mind at all! That’s so sweet!
Nicolle: She’s lying, I’m the one that said we needed to come over.
Diane: That’s a bit less sweet, but I appreciate Sam caring enough to lie. See you soon.
Garry: Oh god!
Sam: Is that… Garry?
Diane: Sure is! The gang’s gonna be together on Christmas!
Leslie: Other than Charlotte.
Carly: And Melanie.
Diane: Yes, other than the two people who had better options, we’re all together!
Leslie: Truly a Christmas miracle!
What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special? Let us know in the comments, vote in the poll below and make sure to read the midseason premiere of Our House on Thursday, January 6 at 9 PM! Bake Your Heart Out returns in summer 2022!
