Jerry brings the mail in and sets it on the counter.
Jerry: You’re welcome, by the way.
Teri: Why’d you look at me when you said it? No one ever sends me anything.
Jerry: I was just saying, in general, you should all be grateful I still get the mail at my age.
Teri: You’re acting like you’re ninety.
Jerry: I’m not retired because I’m young!
Teri: You’re old by military standards. You’re not a feeble old man.
Jerry: I feel like one sometimes.
Tammi: Oh, an invitation to Steven’s graduation!
Betty: What do you mean “an” invitation? We’re all going, no?
Tammi: Of course. Maybe.
Betty: Maybe?
Tammi: They give out four tickets, and you can request more. And by “you,” I mean you, Steven. What am I doing?
Tammi: Requesting more tickets to graduation! Everyone needs to be able to go!
Steven: You think I’ll be able to get six or eight or ten extra tickets?
Tammi: Why not? We know the principal!
Cindy: I don’t need a ticket, actually Because of the whole “being principal” thing. So that’s one less ticket you’ll need.
Tammi: Are you implying you’ll grant the request?
Cindy: I’m not in charge of that.
Tammi: What good is nepotism if it can’t benefit us the one time we have an in?
Cindy: I’m not going to abuse my power. Go through the proper channels. Maybe split up the request between Steven and Alysa. It’ll probably get approved.
Betty: And if not, Frank can stay home.
Frank: From my own son’s graduation? I don’t think so!
Betty: But nobody likes you.
Alysa: I think that’s unfair. He’s… fine.
Frank: Thank you, Alysa. You’re always so kind, it almost makes me forgive you for damning my son to eternal hellfire with your womanly wiles.
Teri: See, this is why people don’t like you. You talk like a weirdo.
Frank: It was a joke! Just a joke! If everyone who had premarital sex went to hell, the place would look like Grand Central Terminal and Heaven would be -
Ralph: Full of losers?
Cindy: You know what? I don’t care that it was a negative connotation, Ralph piggybacked on a statement that implied heaven is real. That’s progress!
Ralph: It’s not, but I’m not going to resist a good joke!
Cindy: It is real, and you’ll find out one day.
Ralph: WAs that a threat?
Cindy: A good Christian woman like myself would never threaten someone!
Teri: Do we have a plan if they can’t get extra tickets for all of us?
Tammi: Yeah, they make a list of who they most want at graduation and whoever doesn’t make the cut has to stay home
Betty: I’d always make the cut, right kids?
Steven: Of course!
Alysa: You know, I do also have family. My parents, and… well, my grandparents are all dead. I think I have a cousin who lives nearby.
Teri: Yeah, we’ve never met any of your family before besides -
Karl: Don’t say her name.
Teri: Anita.
Betty: Well, the simple explanation is that her mother simply hatched from an egg. She’s not human.
Alysa: You are talking about my mother, you know.
Betty: Oh, I’m aware. She’s by far the most evil person I’ve ever met.
Jerry: So, more important than all this graduation stuff… what’s for dinner? And when’s it coming?
Cindy: It will come when it comes.
Jerry: Of course, dear.
Later that night…
Alysa: Can you believe we’re graduating in a month?
Steven: There’s a lot going on in our lives recently that I can’t believe.
Alysa: Yeah, being married is one. Having a baby is another. Heck, currently being in bed together is enough of a shock.
Steven: I’m kind of surprised that my family lets us share a bed, even if we are married.
Alysa: What do you want to do after graduation? I feel like we’ve put no thought into colleges.
Steven: I have it narrowed down!
Alysa: You do!
Steven: Yes, I’ve taken all the Ivy League schools out of consideration. That’s narrowing it down, no?
Alysa: I’m serious. I feel… I can’t say weighed down. But a little weighed down. I wasn’t expecting my life to take this particular turn.
Steven: I know, it’s definitely not how we saw this going.
Alysa: I just, you know, didn’t have motherhood in the cards this early. Or marriage. And now I have no clue how to handle college. Can I even go?
Steven: If you want, of course you can go!
Alysa: Then who’ll take care of Caitlin?
Steven: My family, like when we’re at school now.
Alysa: College is different than school, it takes up more time. And what if we don’t go to college right here in Lakey?
Steven: We’ll figure it out. Maybe we can hire a nanny.
Alysa: We don’t have money to hire a nanny! We don’t even have money to move out of the family home.
Steven: Some colleges have daycares.
Alysa: She’s less than a year old.
Steven: We’re gonna figure it out together. Just maybe not during the brief amount of time where we actually have the opportunity to sleep, okay?
Alysa: Yeah, I know. This isn’t exactly the ideal time to plot out our future.
Steven: It’s the ideal time to do something, but we’ve talked too long for that to happen.
Alysa: Well, that wasn’t on the table to begin with. We already have one kid, you’re not about to knock me up again just before college.
Steven: We’d use protection!
Alysa: Just go to sleep. We’ll discuss college plans in the morning.
Steven: Could we also do something else in the morning?
Alysa: Goodnight!
Steven: You seem mad.
Alysa: I said goodnight!
The next day…
Steven: I think I found something.
Alysa: Huh?
Steven: A college we can both go to!
Alysa: It’s the morning, you gotta give me some more time to wake up. I had to get up like four times in the middle of the night to take care of Caitlin, so excuse the grogginess.
Steven: I’ll give you some time to wake up, maybe drink some coffee, and then I think we need to talk about this.
Tammi: Did I hear something about college/
Teri: Oh no.
Tammi: Stay out of it, Teri.
Teri: That’s “aunt Teri” to you. I am a figure of authority.
Betty: I think once you become a grandmother - which I never would become if it were up to you - then you stop having to see your aunt as an authority figure.
Teri: Ralph doesn’t have kids either!
Betty: I know not to ever expect them from him! I wanted better for you!
Ralph: I’m pretty happy with it!
Jerry: Here Betty does again, trying get this house even more full that it already is.
Frank: But when I wanted my dad to stay here, it was a problem.
Betty: I let him!
Frank: After you cried.
Betty: That’s irrelevant.
Tammi: So, college. Exciting!
Steven: Mom, we haven’t decided on any college yet. I have to talk with Alysa before anything. Don’t worry.
Tammi: I’m not worried. I just want you two to have bright futures, and I want to make sure you make the right choice.
Steven: We will, don’t worry.
Tammi: I also do wonder… are you planning to stay close to home, or are you broadening your horizons? There are some fantastic colleges in the Lakey area, or even in Richmond.
Steven: I feel like you want us to stay in the area and you’re trying to sway us to go that way.
Tammi: No, I will support any choice the two of you make.
Steven: Do you really mean it?
Tammi: Of course!
Steven: Because, and you can’t tell Alysa this, I found the perfect school for us in South Carolina.
Tammi: Okay.
Steven: It has an on-campus daycare, and it has a renowned engineering school for me and a well-regarded education program, so Alysa can get a teaching degree.
Tammi: You have it all figured out.
Steven: I have a plan. It’s not set in place, Alysa doesn’t even know about it. I don’t know if she’ll want to go there. Don’t freak out.
Tammi: I’m fine. It’s fine. Just, uh, you know. Don’t forget to ask someone at school about those extra tickets for graduation today.
Steven: I will, don’t worry.
Tammi: Great!
Later that day…
Tammi: Ladies, I need advice.
Danielle: Oh, this is what I live for.
Tammi: I don’t know if anyone can really help with this, but I have an issue and I’d love advice. So, Steven wants to go to college in South Carolina. I don’t know how to deal with it. That’s my baby, you know what I mean?
Danielle: I do, I live apart from my kids. It’s not easy.
Teri: I don’t have kids, as mom keeps reminding me.
Betty: Am I wrong?
Teri: I didn’t say you’re wrong, I’m just tired of hearing about it.
Tammi: Anyway, I want Steven and Alysa to thrive and make something of their lives. I know that having Caitlin so young has thrown a wrench in their plans and made it all harder for them, and they don’t need me making things even more difficult. It’s just so hard to let go.
Teri: Well, it’s not easy to say goodbye to anyone you love, but it’s not really goodbye. Kids come home from college for holidays and the summer. Then, at the end of four years, they hopefully come back for good. They’re not leaving forever. Just for a bit.
Betty: Yeah, that’s a load of crap and I’ll tell you why. You don’t let your kids go away, or they’ll never come back It starts as eight months out of four years, then they have reasons they can’t come back for the summer or for Christmas. Then, they realize they’ve started their lives in South Carolina and Caitlin’s used to it, and they don’t want to uproot her. They find a nice apartment there they decide to stay there for good. They’re gone forever. They become a distant memory.
Teri: Mom, why are you treating South Carolina like it’s Mars? It’s like a six hour drive.
Betty: That doesn’t sound so long when it’s a one-time drive. But when you have to keep doing it? Your knees begin to ache, you get tired of the long, constant drives… it becomes too much.
Danielle: So you’re suggesting Tammi keeps them both here by force?
Betty: At least keep Steven here.
Tammi: I’m not doing that. I don’t want to become the stereotypical clingy mother whose kids have to talk about her in therapy.
Teri: Ahem.
Betty: Oh, I gave you a great life!
Teri: I didn’t deny that.
Danielle: I think Tammi wants advice on how to come to accept that Steven is leaving. And that Teri said is good. I would add that even when people are physically apart from you, they’re always with you. In this technological era, you can see him whenever you want! FaceTime, Zoom, whatever. It’s not the same, but it’s okay.
Tammi: Doesn’t a young child need her grandmother, though?
Danielle: That’s hard for me to rebut. Like Teri said, though, it’s just a six-hour drive. You can see her and make all the memories you want with a quick weekend trip.
Betty: Or, you can -
Teri: I think I’m gonna take her for a walk.
Betty: But I was helping!
Teri: You’ve helped enough.
Later that night…
Steven: I have great news, everyone!
Karl: Finally, someone does.
Steven: I got extra tickets for the graduation, I got eight tickets in all.
Tammi: That’s less than twelve.
Alysa: I got two extra tickets, because I guess I’m less special. That’s fourteen for the both of us, which is enough for your entire family, plus my parents, because I have no other family willing to come.
Betty: Aww, you have us. We’re family!
Alysa: As you keep reminding me, yes.
Ralph: Does that fourteen include me?
Alysa: Obviously.
Cindy: If I did my math properly, it also includes me. As we’ve established, I don’t need a ticket. Alysa, you can find someone in your family for that other ticket!
Alysa: How kind.
Betty: Is this an indoor or outdoor graduation? I want to know act to wear.
Tammi: It’s a month away, grandma.
Betty: You can never be too prepared!
That night, in bed, Steven and Alysa are having another discussion about college.
Steven: We never did get to have that conversation about the college I found.
Alysa: Well, that’s what happens when you’ve got a crying baby to deal with.
Steven: but enough about my grandma Betty.
Alysa: Aww, don’t beat her up too much.
Steven: She hates your mother more than anyone on earth.
Alysa: I know, it’s a blast seeing someone put her in her place.
Steven: Well, this school’s in South Carolina, and it does have a daycare and programs for the areas we’re both studying. It seems like a very family-friendly place, somewhere that we could all be happy living.
Alysa: I’m just not convinced about leaving home. I don’t want to put Caitlin in a daycare so young, you know that.
Steven: I just… I don’t know if any schools right around here fit our needs.
Alysa: I have something to consider. Don’t get mad.
Steven: I won’t get mad. I love you too much to get mad.
Alysa: Nice try. You might’ve talked my bra off and got us into this whole mess, but you’re not gonna talk me outta this!
Steven: I’m trying to be a supportive husband.
Alysa: Instead of rushing into this - because, let’s face it, we’ve been too distracted to look into schools when we should’ve been - I think we need to take a gap year. Give us a year to look into schools, raise Caitlin, let her get older, and then we can talk maybe going to school away from home. For now, let’s stay close to family.
Steven: Ah, I could kiss you.
Alysa: No, not tonight.
Steven: What?
Alysa: You’re trying to sweet-talk me.
Steven: I agree with your plan! A gap year is a great idea.
Alysa: Sure.
Steven: Oh my god, I’m going to sleep.
Alysa: That was the goal.
Meanwhile, Tammi and Frank are also discussing Steven’s college plans.
Tammi: Honey, I think Steven is going to leave us, and I’m okay with it.
Frank: Are you you?
Tammi: It’s important that I let him spread his wings.
Frank: I think he’s spread them plenty. He’s married with a child already.
Tammi: Frank, I’m serious. It’ll be hard for us, but if they want to go get an education, we need to support it.
Frank: All right, sounds like a plan.
Tammi: I’m so proud of us. We’re such good parents.
The next morning…
Tammi: Morning, kids!
Steven: Mom, I have news.
Tammi: Oh boy. I support you, I mean it.
Steven: We’re taking a gap year so we have some more time to weight our college choices.
Tammi: Oh my god, I could cry. Never scare me like that again!
Teri: She didn’t listen to a word I said.
One month later…
Betty: Oh god, there she is.
Teri: Mom, quiet.
Betty: I hate her. She’s Satan
Ralph: This is a big day, there are lots of people with cameras here. Make sure to make this fight super explosive, so you can go viral on TikTok.
Karl: Oh, these kids.
Anita: Betty! What a day!
Betty: Is it trying to be nice?
Anita: Can you believe it?
Betty: That you're acting human? No, I can’t.
Anita: They just grow up so fast!
Tammi: I know what you mean, Anita. I remember when I first took him to kindergarten. Now, here he is, about to graduation.
Anita: I have to convince them not to take that gap year. We all know -
Tammi: Shut your mouth, Anita.
Teri: Aww, listen! They’re playing Graduation (Friends Forever) on the stereo! Sing along!
Ralph: No, I wanna hear this fight. This is the main event.
Betty: I feel left out.
Teri (singing): As we go on, we remember, all the times we -
Ralph: Oh my god, shut up.
Karl: These are the moments you treasure.
What did you think of the season finale of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode of Foul Play as it moves to Thursdays starting next week!
