Marietta is on the phone with Patty Lynn.
Patty Lynn: Honey, are you sure you don’t want me to make some of my famous healing soup and bring it over for you?
Marietta: Please do not. I don’t want you to get sick.
Patty Lynn: Is it that bad?
Marietta: I’ll be fine. You don’t need to make funeral preparations, if that’s what you’re asking.
Patty Lynn: Do you need anything else? Medicine?
Marietta: I have plenty of cold medicine here, along with soup, blankets, and boxes of tea bags. You don’t need to worry about me.
Patty Lynn: Do you need me to go into the office tomorrow as your replacement?
Marietta: You planning to get sworn in or what? ‘Cause I don’t think we do substitute mayors. The city will survive with me staying home for a few days. They can call me in case of an emergency, I’m not in a coma.
Patty Lynn: I know how you get when you’re sick. You’re very sleepy, you’re hard to wake.
Marietta: I trust Tammy and Amy.
Patty Lynn: That’s a mistake!
Marietta: Mom, give it a rest. I’m fine, the city is fine, I don’t need your help right now. Just stay home and relax and enjoy your free time.
Patty Lynn: How can I enjoy my free time? I have to spend it with Kathleen!
Kathleen: I heard that.
Patty Lynn: I’m glad!
Marietta: Mom, I feel like death and I need to relax. Please let me go. I don’t need a caretaker, you don’t need to worry about me.
Patty Lynn: You feel like you’re dying? You should go to the hospital!
Marietta: It’s an expression. Now, I’m gonna hang up and watch some Newhart while I eat some soup. You can go enjoy the beautiful weather we’re having.
Patty Lynn: Just call me if you need anything!
Marietta: I won’t need anything, but I know your number if there’s an emergency.
Marietta hangs up and turns the TV on. Several hours pass, and she eventually falls asleep and begins dreaming.
Tammy: Marietta!
Marietta: What, Tammy?
Tammy: The upstairs toilet is clogged… again.
Marietta: You’re the handywoman, I feel like that’s your job to fix.
Tammy: Oh, no! I’m not doing that. I fix appliances, tighten loose shutters… I don’t unclog toilets.
Marietta: Well, whose job do you suppose it is, then?
Tammy: How about Amy? How about your mom?
Marietta: Mom and I own the inn, it’s certainly not our job to plunge the toilets. Why would we pay you if not to fix things that have gone wrong?
Tammy: Like I said, there’s Amy.
Amy: There’s Amy for what?
Tammy: Oh, it’s really nothing.
Marietta: Amy wants you to, uh, unclog the toilet in one of the rooms upstairs.
Amy: Oh, ew! No! That’s not my job! I’m the housekeeper! I… what do I do?
Tammy: Keep house. Toilets are part of the house!
Amy: It’s not in the job description!
Marietta: It’s not as if you do what’s in your job description, either.
Amy: That is deeply unfair!
Marietta: It’s completely fair.
Tammy: Fine, I will go unclog the toilet, but you better remember this!
Marietta: As long as I live.
Tammy: That sounded sarcastic.
Marietta: Never.
Patty Lynn: Marietta!
Marietta: What is it, my dearest mother?
Patty Lynn: I just got off the phone with people who wanted to make a reservation.
Marietta: Well, did they make it?
Patty Lynn: Yes! They’ll be arriving tonight!
Marietta: That happens all-too-rarely, so I do understand the excitement.
Patty Lynn: You’re too negative! The inn’s doing well!
Marietta: We have two of six rooms filled right now, and the toilet’s clogged in one of them.
Patty Lynn: We do enough to get by, you can’t say as much for the café next door.
Ellie: Hi, I’m Ellie, this is my buddy Kate, and this is my other buddy Kate.
Kathleen: I keep telling you, it’s “Kathleen.”
Ellie: It’s Kate.
Marietta: Ellie, we know you. You work next door, you stop in to see us every day for some unknown reason, you maybe could even call us friends.
Ellie: You mean it?
Marietta: Mean what? That I’m familiar with you? Yes, I mean it.
Ellie: No, that we’re friends!
Marietta: Sure.
Ellie: That wasn’t that enthusiastic.
Marietta: I mean it, we are dear friends!
Amy: Why do your two friends never speak?
Ellie: They’re just shy. And Kate did just speak a minute ago, what more could you ask for?
Kathleen: It’s Kathleen!
Ellie: It’s Kate!
Patty Lynn: Look, our guests just pulled up!
Marietta: That was quite fast!
Amy: Does this mean I have to go hurry up and clean a guest room for them?
Marietta: The rooms should always be cleaned after a guest checks out. Did you not clean the vacant rooms after the guests checked out?
Amy: It’s just… it’s so much work! I wanted to go shopping!
Ellie: I can go clean the room if you want! I don’t mind the dirt!
Marietta: Oh, that really is too kind. I think Amy needs to earn her keep.
Amy: You are so bossy!
Marietta: Well, I am your boss.
Amy: That doesn’t give you the right to boss me around!
Patty Lynn: Hey! Stop being a brat!
Amy: Sorry, Patty Lynn.
Marietta: Why does she listen to you and not me?
Patty Lynn: I have the gentle touch you need to sway her.
Marietta: You just called her a brat.
Patty Lynn: And that was gentle in comparison to what I should’ve called her.
Eliza: Gosh, I’m so glad we’re finally here.
Patty Lynn: I take it you’re the guests who booked room four?
Eliza: Is that the two-bedroom suite?
Patty Lynn: Yes.
Eliza: Then that’s us!
Marietta: You just called about five minutes ago, how did you get here so quickly? Do you live in town?
Elena: No, we were on the road and figured we should make a call to reserve a room in advance, so we could get right to our room and relax. It’s been a long road trip from Virginia.
Marietta: Ah, what brings you to the Green Mountain State?
Eliza: We’ve brought our daughter on a “babymoon.” She’s getting divorced.
Henrietta: Mom!
Marietta: No way are you two old enough to have a daughter that’s an adult!
Ellie: Also, how did it work? You’re both girls.
Patty Lynn: You can’t ask that! This is Vermont!
Ellie: What does it being Vermont have to do with anything?
Patty Lynn: We’re enlightened and accepting.
Ellie: But I don’t get how two women can have a baby.
Marietta: All right, Ellie, I think, as lovely as it’s been, maybe time to get back to the café.
Ellie: But I don’t want to go!
Tammy: Oh my god, that was the most disgusting toiler I have ever had to -
Marietta: Tammy, say hello to our guests!
Tammy: Ah, welcome! It’s a beautiful inn, so glad you decided to stay with us. Handshake?
Eliza: I’m gonna pass, actually.
Henrietta: Mom, don’t be rude.
Eliza: She was just unclogging a toilet.
Henrietta: I’m sure she washed her hands.
Tammy: Not yet.
Henrietta: Are we sure this is the place we want to stay?
Marietta: I promise, we all wash our hands. Tammy just had a brief lapse of judgment.
Tammy: I was coming down here to wash my hands in the public bathroom sink.
Marietta: You offered to shake their hands.
Tammy: They’ve touched worse!
Henrietta: All right, let’s get to our room.
Patty Lynn: Here are your keys. Have a lovely stay!
Elena: We’ll try.
Patty Lynn: Let us know if you need anything!
Eliza: We’re. Good, but thank you.
Patty Lynn: Here, take this. A pamphlet of all the best stores and restaurants in town. We also do provide a complimentary breakfast.
Ellie: And I run the café next door, we have the best breakfast and lunch in town!
Amy: Oh god, are these the guests? Do I need to carry their bags up? You’re running me ragged today!
Marietta: Excuse Amy. She’s spoiled rotten, and lazy as all get-out. But she’s getting better!
Tammy: Yeah, she might even be a normal functioning adult by the time she reaches seventy.
Amy: That makes me sound old!
Tammy: You are old.
Ellie: It is a very old staff.
Marietta: We appreciate the commentary, Ellie. Maybe back to the café now? It’s the busy hour.
Amy: Yeah, you don’t want to miss out on all those customer.
Later that day…
Patty Lynn: Marietta, I’m heading out for book club. Can you handle the inn on your own?
Marietta: Is no one else here?
Patty Lynn: Amy’s on a date and Tammy’s at her club meeting.
Marietta: Oh, the wilderness people?
Patty Lynn: Yeah, them.
Marietta: They tried to make me wear plaid. Like a Canadian!
Patty Lynn: I think you’ve been spending too much time with Amy.
Marietta: I can handle the inn. Enjoy your book club.
Patty Lynn: Thanks, Marietta.
Marietta heads to the front desk, just as a guest enters the lobby.
Marietta: Welcome to the Stratford Inn, may I interest you in a room?
Dede: Is that not obvious? Are you a little slow? The ladies at the cafe next door are pretty dim, maybe it’s just a regional thing.
Marietta: I was attempting to be courteous.
Dede: It’s late, I’m tired, I’m looking for a place to stay. I don’t need the small talk.
Marietta: Okay. I’ll say it again… may I interest you in a room?
Dede: What rooms do you have available?
Marietta: All our available rooms are one-bedrooms with queen beds. Rooms two, three, and six.
Dede: I’ll take six.
Marietta: Very well. Cash or credit?
Dede: You still accept cash?
Marietta: I take it you’re paying with credit.
Dede: I’m old, not a dinosaur.
Marietta: Thank you for choosing Stratford, please enjoy your stay. Here is your key. Have a pleasant night!
Dede: Same to you.
Marietta: See! Not so hard to be pleasant!
Dede rolls her eyes.
Marietta: Same to you!
Minutes later, Marietta’s phone rings.
Milton: Marietta! I need you down here!
Marietta: I’m a little busy. What’s this about?
Milton: The podcast.
Marietta: You need me to come down to tape an episode of the podcast?
Moira: He deleted tonight’s episode accidentally.
Marietta: Milton!
Milton: It was a terrible mistake, and I apologize. But the people need you. You’re huge on TikTok!
Marietta: That’s great. It’s late, I want to relax and watch over my inn.
Milton: It won’t be long.
Marietta: It’ll be at least half an hour!
Milton: That’s not so long!
Marietta: Can’t you just recover the episode?
Moira: He doesn’t know how to do that.
Marietta: I can walk you through it.
Milton: Just come down here, I’m not good with computers.
Marietta: Thank god we put you in charge of producing a podcast, then. Famously no technology involved there.
Milton: Will you be down?
Marietta: It’s quiet here. I doubt anyone else comes in. I can stand to leave for a bit.
Milton: Thank you!
Later that night…
Patty Lynn: Marietta! Where were you?
Marietta: What in the heck happened here?
Patty Lynn: Someone robbed us!
Marietta: I bet it was that wretched woman who checked in just before I left.
Patty Lynn: Where did you even go off to?
Marietta: I had to help Milton recover an episode of my podcast that he accidentally deleted before posting.
Patty Lynn: Hope it was worth it, they took everything!
Amy: My lord in heaven, what went on here?
Patty Lynn: Marietta let us get robbed.
Amy: Yes!
Marietta: You’re happy about it?
Amy: I’m no longer the biggest screw-up here!
Marietta: That’s a sick way of looking at this.
Patty Lynn: She’s not wrong.
Marietta wakes up on her couch, Newhart still playing on the TV in front of her.
Marietta: My god, what time is it? How long was I out?
Patty Lynn: About three hours.
Marietta: Jesus, mom! What are you doing here?
Patty Lynn: I made my special soup anyway. I didn’t want you freaking out about soup randomly appearing in your fridge, so I decided to wait so I could tell you I dropped it off.
Marietta: You thought seeing a person in my living room would be less frightening?
Patty Lynn: I’m not just a person, I’m your mother!
Marietta: You could’ve left a note.
Patty Lynn: Notes can be scary, too!
Marietta: Anyway, I think this cold medicine is getting to me, because I had the most insane dream. We were all in Newhart. But, like, we were the characters in the show, running an inn. Even Dede was there. Kate was too, but she was mute, I think.
Patty Lynn: Gosh, you’re even sicker than I thought. I think we have to get you to a doctor.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
