Bake Your Heart Out Season 1, Episode 1
Pilot
The cast and crew of the baking reality series Bake Your Heart Out is finishing with filming its fifth season premiere. Hosts Sam Ellwood and Diane Smith are about to announce the first eliminated contestant as judges Frances Conner and Garry Mollen watch on from behind.
Sam: We’ve reached the worst portion of the episode, the part we always try our best to avoid but for some reason they never let us.
Diane: Of course, we’re talking about the elimination. Clement and Andrea, Frances and Garry deemed your pastries to be the worst of the week. Please step forward.
Sam: Diane and I did rock-paper-scissors a few minutes ago to determine who would be the first to deliver sad news this season. I’m happy to report that it’s going to be Diane.
Diane: I unhappily must report that the person leaving tonight will be… Clement.
Sam: A round of applause for Clement, everybody! Thank you for coming out to bake your heart out with us!
Diane: Next week on Bake Your Heart Out, we tackle cookies! See you then!
Leslie Clark, Bake Your Heart Out’s producer: Cut! Great show today, guys!
Diane: Thanks, are you coming to the party at Sam’s tonight?
Leslie: Of course!
Sam: Hey Diane, you coming?
Diane: Coming where? The party? Of course!
Sam: No, smoke break!
Diane: Oh Sam, you’re going to kill yourself with those.
Sam: I am not going to kill myself, I can stop when I want to.
Sam goes outside to smoke. Garry comes with her to discuss the party.
Garry: So, what time’s the party tonight?
Sam: Seven. So, four hours from now. Be there.
Garry: I was going to come anyway but the way you just said that chilled me to the bone so I will make sure I don’t miss it.
Sam: Good. Bring something to eat, too. No sweets, I don’t even want to look at another eclair or piece of baklava today.
Garry: Why did they make so many eclairs today? I know making baklava was the first challenge, but nine of them made eclairs when they were told to use their wildest imagination. Was that the only pastry they could think of?
Sam: I don’t know, but I needed to smoke just to get that sugar test out of my mouth.
Garry: You know you don’t need to eat all of the food the contestants make, right? You’re the host of the show, not a judge.
Sam: You really think I’m gonna let you and Frances, the woman who had a party last month for her new cat that she named Mr. Snuggles, eat everything and then send the person you thought was the worst that week home without me eating it so I can tell you if you’re wrong. Which you often are.
Garry: You could. Diane doesn’t do that.
Sam: Alright Garry, I love Diane dearly and she is my best friend in the entire world -
Garry: Oh boy, here we go.
Sam: But she is a pushover! She just goes with whatever the popular opinion in whether she agrees with it or not. If I told her to vote for Oprah for president in 2020, she would write Oprah’s name down on that ballot.
Garry: Oh come on, she’s not that bad.
Sam: She is. She’s still better at holding your own than you and Frances are at judging, though!
Garry: Are we really that bad? Did Clement not deserve to go home today?
Sam: Oh, he did. That was the worst eclair I've ever eaten. Why was it black?
Garry: I think it started on fire.
Sam: How did he get on this show? Did Leslie decide to just let anyone on this show? Do we have standards anymore?
Clement walks out of the studio and heads to the car waiting to take him to his hotel.
Clement: Hello Ms. Ellwood, hello Mr. Mollen.
Sam: Hi Clement! I just want to say that you did great today and your eclair was especially delicious. Thank you for coming to bake with us.
Clement: Thank you, it was my grandmother’s recipe. We baked it together 60 years ago and I baked it with my mother until last year, when she lost her ability to bake after a stroke.
Sam: Oh look, Clemmy, your car is here!
Clement: Oh, I guess it’s time for me to go.
Sam: Bye, it’s been great!
Clement hops in the car and it drives away.
Sam: Well that was painful.
Garry: You almost done with your cigarette?
Sam: Yeah, let’s go.
Sam and Garry head back inside.
Diane: Looks who decided to join us!
Sam: Filming is over Diane, why are you guys standing around waiting for me?
Diane: Did you seriously forget that we’re supposed to be filming promos right now?
Sam: Damn, I did forget.
Diane: Well, let’s go. Leslie is already waiting for us and Paul is in there too.
Sam: Paul? What is the network president doing here? Are promos that important to him?
Diane: After season four, I can understand why he wants to supervise promos.
Sam: Season 4? Is that…?
Diane: Yes.
Sam: Oh yeah, now I know why he’s here. I still have nightmares about that.
Diane: It’s not my fault that they wanted a beach theme for the season and brought in a pelican for the shoot for some reason.
Sam: It is, however, your fault for provoking it by touching it, which made it attack Frances, which left her in the hospital for two days with a concussion, which delayed filming.
Diane: It was so angry.
Sam: Why did we need it though? Was anybody at home really won over by the fact that we had a live pelican in the background of the shoot?
Diane: No. Poor Frances certainly wasn’t.
Sam: Maybe that concussion caused her to name her cat Mr. Snuggles.
Diane: Don’t insult him in front of Frances. She’s still very upset about the divorce and Mr. Snuggles is the only thing that makes her happy lately. Well, him and that NBC show about sad people that are crying all the time.
Sam: Frances is a weird person.
Diane: We aren’t all as lucky as you are with your highly successful love life.
Sam: Oh god, Nicolle’s been in New York for three months. I don’t have any love life at all anymore.
Diane: At least your spouse didn’t swerve off a bridge ten minutes after picking up their secretary for a nice week-long vacation in Carmel while you were sitting at home binging Bachelor In Paradise oblivious to the whole thing.
Sam: That was a lot, Diane.
Diane: I know. It’s been two years since Joe died and I still haven’t been on a date.
Sam: How is Garry the only one around here who is doing well romantically?
Diane: Probably because he just got married last year. The honeymoon phase will end sooner or later and he’ll be as miserable as the rest of us.
Sam: Hopefully. He’s the only one of us that doesn’t come to our Bachelor In Paradise parties.
Diane: I still can’t believe you love that show so much. It’s not like you.
Sam: It is the funniest comedy on TV. I’m sure Veep is a very funny show, but I fail to see how it could be any funnier than Bachelor in Paradise. That should be the real winner of the Emmy Award for Best Comedy.
Diane: Is this our life now? Sitting on the set of our baking show that’s made for sad, middle-aged women like us while we talk about how Bachelor In Paradise is the only good thing in our lives.
Sam: Yes, I think it is.
Diane: We used to have the #1 talk show on TV!
Sam: We’re still on a show with huge ratings!
Diane: But we don’t air after Ellen anymore!
Sam: That is an interesting bar for success, Diane.
Leslie: Sam! Diane! What are you doing?
Diane: Oh my! I forgot about the promos!
Leslie: Just get in here and all will be forgiven.
Sam and Diane follow Leslie to the stage to film the promo.
Diane: Paul! Good to see you!
Paul: Hello Pelican Lady, hello other one.
Sam: I a-
Leslie: Zip it!
Sam stares at Leslie with a look of disdain.
Leslie: Alright everyone! So as you may know, the promos for this season are going to have a farm theme.
Sam: Farm? Are we going to the Iowa State Fair?
Leslie: No, we don’t have the budget for that.
Frances: We’re the #1 show on the network, why can’t we go to the Iowa State Fair if we want to?
Garry: Who wants to? I don't want to!
Sam: Nobody wants to, it was a joke.
Frances: I want to, want some fried Oreos.
Paul: Lady, you work on a baking show and the thing you want most in life is a fried Oreo?
Frances: No, but I’d like one. And the name is Frances Conner, the head judge on your network’s #1 show. Learn my name.
Paul: You’re a feisty one, aren’t you?
Leslie: Come on everyone, get focused! Each promo. should only take ten minutes to do tops! We have four promos to do, so we’re looking at a 4 o’clock departure time. Sound good to everyone?
Sam: Yes, it does.
Leslie: Good, because that was gonna be the time no matter what. Garry, go change into your farmer costume.
Garry: Do I really need to wear flannel?
Leslie: Yes. Frances, Sam, Diane, you guys also have to go change. You’ll find your outfits in your dressing rooms. Hurry back.
Five minutes later…
Diane: We look awful!
Sam: Why do I need to wear overalls? And what’s with Frances’s big dumb straw hat?
Frances: I like it!
Leslie: Thank you Frances, that’s the spirit!
Paul: Hurry up everyone. I’m the president of the #1 network in the country, I do have places to be.
Leslie: We know, that’s why we’re all gonna be on our best behavior and we’re all going to be very professional.
Sam: Professional isn’t really what I’d call this but we’re certainly going to try.
One hour later…
Sam: It’s twenty after four and we’re just getting done with shooting. I’m so late, my assistant Kenny is waiting for me at home to help decorate, he’s probably been locked out for twenty minutes already.
Diane: You just leave now, we’ll see you at seven!
Sam: Alright, see you then!
At Sam’s house, at 7 o’clock…
Diane: Hey Sam!
Sam: You’re the first one here! Thankfully you didn’t come any earlier because Kenny and I just finished getting ready.
Diane: It looks nice!
Sam: Thanks, we did our best. Where are the others?
Diane: They all came separately.
Sam: Wow Diane, I thought you cared about the planet.
Diane: I do! I took part in that march on Earth Day!
Sam: You don’t love it enough to carpool?
Diane: They all live in different places and had stuff to do. It wouldn’t have made any sense.
Sam: I’m just pulling your leg! Come relax until everyone else gets here.
Diane: Don’t mind if I do. First, though, can I put this shrimp platter away? I don’t want it out too long or it’ll get nasty.
Kenny: I’ll take care of that for you.
Sam: Oh, no, don’t worry about that, Kenny. Just head home, you’ve done enough today.
Kenny: I want to help.
Sam: Go home, Kenny.
Kenny: Alright Ms. Ellwood.
Sam: Kenny, it’s Sam. You have worked for me for three years, you can call me by my first name. Now leave before my guests come. They’re all going to park you in because they aren’t really that smart.
Twenty minutes later, Garry knocks at the door.
Sam: Come in!
Garry: I brought wine!
Sam: Thank god, I need a glass right about now.
Garry: I’ve got nine liters, help yourself.
Frances: I’m here too!
Sam: Is Mr. Snuggles here too?
Frances: No, silly! Mr. Snuggles is at home sleeping.
Sam: So what did you bring?
Frances: A fruit tray, with pineapples and strawberries and kiwi and blueberries and raspberries and watermelon. And a caramel cream cheese dip in the center. Made it myself.
Sam: Why did you bring something sweet? Cake is enough sweets for tonight, we’ve been eating pastries all day.
Frances: That is a strange way to say thank you.
Sam: That’s because that’s not what I’m saying.
Leslie: I’m he-ere!
Sam: How is it that all three of you came from different places and are all late, and are still arriving within minutes of one another.
Leslie: Maybe we’re just connected.
Sam: Sure.
Diane: I really hope the rest of the crew gets here soon because Frances is getting trashed already and it would be nice if she was conscious for the toast.
Sam: I don’t know, drunk Frances is way more fun.
Thirty minutes later…
Sam: Welcome everybody to the Bake Your Heart Out fifth season bash! We’re so glad that you all showed up here tonight to celebrate our show. You all know I’m not the most sentimental person, so I’m going to pass this toast off to Diane.
Diane: Thank you, Sam. From the moment that we stepped onto that stage, everything changed. For all of us. We all gained a new family, one we could laugh with, talk to about anything, and always count on. I know this is cliche but this show has changed my life. It’s helped me get through the toughest time in my life. And from a selfish perspective, it’s made me way more famous than I previously was. Being serious once again, five seasons in, I feel just as grateful for the opportunity to be a part of this incredible show as I was the day I first stepped onto that lot. Leslie, I thank you from the bottom of the heart for calling Sam and me and asking us to host. Who knows where we’d be without it.
Sam: We’d be working at Walmart.
Diane: We probably would be. So we owe a lot to this show. I’m so glad it came into our lives. Now let’s party!
Sam: What she said!
Leslie: Aww, that was very sweet. I couldn’t think of two better people to host.
Sam: I could. Oprah and Gayle!
Leslie: They were a little out of our price range so we didn’t really consider them but you two are still better.
Diane: Thank you. I believe that’s what Sam was trying to say.
Three hours and many glasses of wine later…
Frances: Come on guys, let’s do some karaoke!
Leslie: Ooh, I wanna start!
Sam: God, here we go.
Leslie: Don’t Stop by Fleetwood Mac, let’s go!
Sam: What year is it?
Leslie: It is a classic song.
Sam: I’m just joking.
Leslie (singing): If you wake up and don’t want to smile -
Sam: Wow, she actually sounds, uh, good.
Frances: Sing louder!
Diane: Sam, can we go talk?
Sam: Sure, Frances is screaming like a crazed fan at a rock concert anyway, it’s very annoying.
Frances: Hey!
In the other room…
Diane: I just wanted to thank you for having this party. You claim to not care but we all know you do. It’s just your act.
Sam: No, my act is pretending I care on-camera. I really don’t.
Diane: Sam. You don’t just throw a party at your house and invite the entire cast and crew of a show to it if you don’t really care. You just don’t want to admit it.
Sam: That’s not true. I didn’t invite Clement.
Diane: Clement’s a loser, of course you didn’t invite him. Stop changing the subject!
Sam: Fine. I do love everyone in the cast and I love the show.
Diane: See! That was easy to say, wasn’t it?
Sam: Yes, it was.
Diane: Oh my god, what is that horrible noise?
Sam: I believe that’s Frances and Garry singing a duet to Heart’s All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You.
Diane: Why would they pick that song? It isn't even a duet?
Sam: They’re drunk, so I hope they just don’t realize what they’re doing, but I feel like this is something we should tell Carly about.
Diane: Garry’s wife does not need to know about this, Garry would be getting a divorce immediately.
Sam: Oh, it wouldn’t be that bad.
Diane: Sam, they are singing that all they want to do is make love to one another!
Sam: They’re just friends. It’s fine.
Diane: My ears certainly are not fine.
Sam: Neither are mine. They are horrible singers.
Diane: Oh thank god, it sounds like Frances is about to start singing again. Thank god alcohol makes her an attention hog.
Sam: Is she really singing Free Fallin’ by Tom Petty?
Diane: I’d say that’s a pretty good song to pick. It describes this night perfectly.
Sam: Yeah, I better end this before people get even drunker than they are.
Sam and Diane go back out to the living room.
Sam: Time to go everybody. Take an Uber, find a cab, drive home yourselves, I really don’t care but you can’t stay here! Frances, Garry, Leslie you are the exception. You’re all so hammered that we don’t trust you to even get an Uber. You’re staying here tonight.
Frances: I am fine guys. Did you not hear me singing? Could a drunk person do that?
Diane: Unfortunately we did hear it.
Sam: Come on, let’s get you to the guest room. I’ve got a spare pair of pajamas in there that you can wear.
Diane: You really want them to stay in your guest rooms? They’re definitely gonna vomit.
Sam: Better to have them throw up on my bed than on my couch. I can have sheets industrially cleaned, if they puke on the couch I am throwing it out.
Diane: Yeah, good call.
Ten minutes later, Frances, Garry, and Leslie are all in their rooms.
Diane: Guess we’re the only ones awake at this Bake Your Heart Out slumber party!
Sam: Yeah, I’m heading to bed too. Goodnight Diane.
Diane: Goodnight Sam. Love ya.
Sam: Love you too.
What did you think of the premiere of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next Monday for the next episode!
