Gretchen and her family are at the table eating breakfast.
Gretchen: So, Mother’s Day is coming up in a few days.
Lucinda: I’m sure you’ll do nothing for it, once again.
Gretchen: Excuse me?
Lucinda: Let’s not kid ourselves, Gretchen. You phone it in for Mother’s Day. It’s fine, I get it, I’m not the cuddliest, warmest mother. It’s hard to fittingly celebrate me on a day that’s supposed to be treacly and sweet. That’s just not who I am!
Gretchen: Mom, you’re… uh… you’re perfectly sweet.
Anthony: When?
Lucinda: See, even he can admit I’m right, I know how that pains him.
Anthony: Not in this case.
Gretchen: I love you, mom. I’m happy to celebrate you for Mother’s Day. I’m the woman I am today because of you.
Lucinda: Why would you say that?
Anthony: See, it’s comments like that which may prompt her to not want to get you anything for Mother’s Day. It’s your own doing.
Gretchen: But I am going to do something for her for Mother’s Day, I always do!
Lucinda: You got me a scarf last year.
Gretchen: A silk scarf! It was from Burberry
Lucinda: I don’t even know what that is!
Gretchen: You said the design was nice when you saw it, I kept it in mind, I bought it for you. It was three hundred dollars.
Lucinda: That doesn’t change that all I got for Mother’s Day was a scarf!
Gretchen: I also bought you flowers.
Lucinda: And I put those on my mother’s grave. What am I going to do with cut flowers that’ll die in a vase on my nightstand?
Gretchen: We took you to dinner, too. You seemed to enjoy that.
Lucinda: That is the bare minimum, anyone that isn’t a complete bum takes their mother out for dinner on Mother’s Day.
Toby: Aunt Mary and uncle Eddie didn’t get you dinner.
Lucinda: That’s not fair to hold them to that standard.
Anthony: What I’m seeing is less that Gretchen never goes anything for you for Mother’s Day and more that you’re incredibly ungrateful for what she does do for you.
Gretchen: No, Anthony, that’s not fair. It’s a day to honor her, and she should be happy with what we do to honor her. I’ll try harder this year.
Lucinda: That’s the spirit!
Anthony: I don’t see any reason to, she’ll still criticize you and be ungrateful.
Lucinda: Is that any way to speak in front of your child?
Toby: It’s no worse than you speak about him.
Anthony: Ha!
Lucinda: That’s so juvenile, you should be above that.
Gretchen: Anyway, I have to get ready for work.
Lucinda: Do you?
Anthony: There you go again!
Lucinda: It’s so easy to get under your skin.
Later that day…
Gretchen: So, what do we have on the agenda today?
Carol: Well, we have a meeting with -
Gretchen: Cancel it, we have more important matters to focus on: Mother’s Day.
Carol: All right, I’ll call the prime minster’s office and inform them that you’re too busy thinking about Mother’s Day to meet with her.
Gretchen: Wait, what prime minister?
Sarita: The prime minister of Norway is in Boston, they’re having some sort of international trade conference there. The plan was for you to hammer out an exclusive deal with her between Norway and Rhode Island.
Carol: What she said.
Gretchen: That’s not a big deal. What could Norway even give us, anyway?
Carol: Remember when you couldn’t figure out why you had a 25% approval rating?
Gretchen: Don’t bring that up again!
Carol: So what is it about Mother’s Day that’s so important, we’re abandoning a meeting with a foreign leader and using government resources just to discuss it?
Gretchen: I need help finding the perfect Mother’s Day for my mother!
Carol: How about a condo in Boca? It’s as much a gift for you as it is for her, neither of you need to deal with the other anymore!
Gretchen: She’s called Florida “America’s penis” and “the closest thing to hell I’ve ever experienced.”
Sarita: Well, that won’t be the case for long.
Carol: Must I highlight the part where it gets her away from you! She’d love that!
Sarita: Maybe we can send her to Arizona! It’s like Florida, in that it’s hot and filled with retirees, but it has a vaguely witchy energy and she can buy turquoise jewelry.
Gretchen: I’m not sending my mom away. Not to Boca Raton, not to Arizona, not even to a retirement home. We need a gift from the heart.
Carol: Esther’s old, why don’t we just let her deal with this? She’d know best.
Esther: Did someone call my name?
Sarita: No, we said “Easter,” go away.
Gretchen: You really don’t like her.
Sarita: Not at all.
Esther: All right, I’m going. Let me know if you need anything!
Sarita: We won’t!
Carol: Esther, just keep on doing your regular work until further notice. I repeat, keep doing your regular work. Not staring out the window daydreaming. I know how much you love to do that.
Esther: I don’t know what you’re referring to, buddy!
Carol: You know exactly to what I am referring.
Esther: You guys get to mess about and not do your jobs, why can’t I?
Sarita: We are always working and never mess around with nonsense, but even if we did, those would just be re the perks that come with being the head honchos! Now, if you excuse us, we have to help the governor buy a present for her mom!
Carol: Do you hear yourself?
Sarita: She’s an assistant, I can gaslight her like that.
Carol: Did I ever do that to you when you were an intern?
Gretchen: She’s my press secretary, ladies! Sarita, YOU are MY assistant! So start assisting!
Sarita: I don’t recall that, I believe I have a more prestigious title.
Gretchen: Yes, special assistant. It means instead of being a personal assistant who gets my coffee, you’re my professional assistant who gets my schedule in order and brings me pens to sign bills.
Sarita: That’s a big improvement!
Gretchen: Yeah, it sure is! Not too big to evade helping me pick out a present for my mother, though!
Carol: So am I really going to have to cancel a meeting with the prime minister so we can go shopping?
Gretchen: You’re gonna keep harping on this meeting, aren’t you?
Carol: It’s a fairly major diplomatic meeting. You’re the governor of Rhode Island, those are rare. This is barely even a state!
Sarita: It’s roughly the size of a city. Philadelphia has a larger population.
Gretchen: If it will stop the two of you from bringing this up over and over and over again, and from mocking our beautiful city - I mean, state - then I will meet with the prime minister. After that, we can go look for something meaningful and special to get my mom for Mother’s Day.
Carol: I appreciate that, Gretchen. Besides, the other meetings today aren’t that important. I can postpone them and it’s no issue. Heck, I’m glad to get out of the meeting with -
Samantha: Gretchen! I’m so glad we’re meeting today to discuss my initiative to -
Carol: Oh, that’s canceled. Sorry!
Samantha: What? You know, I’m content with not being your very closest friend, but just a good work pal. I appreciate the honesty, you don’t string me along and lie about how much you like me. But I would really prefer to not constantly have my meetings canceled. Lieutenant governor is practically a worthless job! I’m best able to make a difference through sharing ideas with you.
Gretchen: Would it make you feel better if I let you come with us when I go buy my mom a Mother’s Day gift? Your input could really help!
Samantha: Gretchen, I am the lieutenant governor of the state of Rhode Island! Do you think I’m okay being reduced to a shopping assistant?
Gretchen: No?
Samantha: Of course I am! At least it gets me out of the office for the afternoon! When are we going?
Gretchen: I have a meeting that I’m being forced to take part in. Then we’ll go. What time’s that, Carol?
Carol: Two. We have a half-hour for the meeting, then the other party has a hard out. So We’ll be ready to go at 2:30.
Samantha: All right, I’ll go play Scrabble with Jeanne or something to keep me busy until then!
Sarita: Do you really have that little to do?
Samantha: It’s worse than you think. If we do play Scrabble with me, that’ll be the closest thing to a government-related activity that I’d do all week. Usually, I just sit on my computer and scroll through Amazon.
Gretchen: See, I knew you’d be very helpful with shopping! You’re an expert!
Samantha: Gee, thanks.
Samantha departs.
Carol: I hope this doesn’t offend you. I do have to ask something.
Sarita: Oh no.
Carol: Why do you suddenly care so much about getting a Mother’s Day gift for your mom? You never need our advice any other year, or any other holiday?
Gretchen: I just… I need to prove something to her.
Carol: That’s always what it is.
Gretchen: I need to prove to her that I actually do love her.
Carol: Oh, Gretchen.
Gretchen: What?
Carol: You need to “prove” to your mother that you love her?
Sarita: She doesn’t know?
Gretchen: She doesn’t act like she knows. She complains that I don’t do enough for her.
Carol: She’s not a loving mother.
Gretchen: Not traditionally. I do love her, though! She’s a good person. She’s a good mom. She raised me, she did a lot for me. I want her to know that I love and appreciate her.
Carol: I get what you mean. I had an aunt like that.
Sarita: An ass?
Carol: She exercised tough love.
Gretchen: Yeah, that sounds like mom. And it made me a bit less expressive of my love for her. But I want to show it this time. I think she deserves it.
Carol: Do you think material objects are the best way to show love?
Gretchen: For my mother? Yes, entirely.
Later that day…
Carol: Providence Mall! This is a pretty fancy establishment, isn’t it?
Gretchen: It is.
Samantha: You look unamused. And before you say you aren’t, I know your unamused face very well, I see it every time I walk in a room.
Gretchen: That’s not - yeah, it’s true.
Samantha: At least you admit it. So why are you unamused?
Gretchen: Everything here is just so cookie cutter. It’s too mass-produced, it’s not thoughtful.
Carol: We just got here.
Gretchen: And I’m already unimpressed with the selection.
Sarita: We could go in a store or two first, no?
Gretchen: What for? To be further unimpressed? My mother was upset about a Burberry scarf! That wasn’t enough for her!
Sarita: I’ll take it, then!
Gretchen: She’d never give it up. She’d rather use it as a rag than give a gift away for free.
Carol: Are we sure? There’s no chance I could get some free Burberry?
Gretchen: I’ll keep it in mind for your birthday.
Samantha: Does your mother like candles?
Gretchen: Absolutely not! I thought you were a pro!
Samantha: My mom likes candles.
Gretchen: Your mom’s an angel, she’d like anything you give her!
Carol: What about a keychain with your picture on it?
Gretchen: She’d stomp on it. This is a woman who throws cards away immediately after reading them. Not after she’s done opening presents. She reads a card and gets up to throw it into the trash. Doesn’t even let anyone else read them. She says it’s a “personal matter.”
Carol: Okay, so nothing sentimental, but also nothing too cookie-cutter. What mythical gift are we thinking about here?
Gretchen: Pratt, last chance to impress before I make you sashay away.
Samantha: how about a ring?
Gretchen: From Kohl’s? No.
Carol: Okay, what’s your grand idea?
Gretchen: You ladies know the store we passed on our way in?
Carol: Starbucks? You wanna get her a gift-card?
Samantha: I always buy my mom gift-cards.
Sarita: I find them to be a half-assed gift that appears to be a last-minute emergency purchase. No thought required, it doesn’t scream “I love and appreciate you.”
Samantha: You didn’t need to tear into me like that.
Sarita: I think I did.
Gretchen: No, the car dealership!
Carol: You want to buy her some tires?
Gretchen: No! I’m getting her a new car. Hers is old, she could use a fresh new one.
Carol: She’s old!
Gretchen: That was mean.
Carol: It was, I apologize.
Gretchen: You ladies are your to help me pick out which car to get her!
Carol: We could’ve skipped the mall trip if that’s how this was always heading.
Sarita: So you’re like rich rich?
Gretchen: Very much so.
Samantha: I’m glad we ended up coming here, I smell soft pretzels, and I’m going to go get one.
Gretchen: Five minutes, or we leave you behind.
Samantha: I can do it in three!
Five days later…
Lucinda: Oh, Eddie, I’m so glad you could join us! And the gift is beautiful! I love a beautiful scarf picked out with love.
Anthony: Yeah, you sure do.
Lucinda: Gretchen, I’m not seeing a gift from you at the table.
Eddie: I think she thinks buying you brunch is enough, it’s very naive of her. That’s just to be expected.
Mary: Eddie, come on. She lives with mom, she probably just left the gift at home. I know I wouldn’t want mom opening a gift with her hands full of maple syrup if it weren’t necessary.
Eddie: You have more faith in her than I do.
Mary: I’m an eternal optimist, what can I say?
Gretchen: You’re right, mother. There’s no gift at the table. I did not bring one inside the restaurant for you.
Lucinda: Okay… I thought I instructed you to bring gifts. You did promise to make this a memorable Mother’s Day, I thought we had an understanding.
Eddie: Mom, not everyone can love you quite like we do. She just doesn’t appreciate you the way we do.
Gretchen: Crow. Get ready to eat it.
Eddie: I doubt that, gift-forgetter.
Gretchen: Mom, let’s step outside for a minute.
Anthony: What’s going on here?
Christina: I think I know what’s happening! She got a plane to run one of those banners that says “I love you mom. Love, Gretchen!”
Gretchen: Better!
Christina: Good, because that’s what I got you.
Mary: Gretchen, I can excuse forgetting a gift, but I draw the line at making mom immediately exercise after a large brunch. That’s cruel and unusual punishment.
Gretchen: I believe she’ll find it to be worth it.
The family walks outside.
Gretchen: Ah, Carol’s here!
Eddie: Nice car! Why’s there a bow on it?
Mary: Aww, look at the license plate, “LUVUMOM.” Sweet!
Gretchen: Mother… bask in the glory of your new car!
Lucinda: What?
Eddie: What?
Mary: What?
Anthony: What?
Christina: Okay, you all need to stop saying that word. We get it, it’s a big shock. This is a bit much.
Eddie: It’s a lot much.
Gretchen: You like it, mom?
Lucinda: It’s a lot better than a scarf and a weekend trip to the Berkshires, I know that much!
Mary: That’s supposed to be quality bonding time for you and I!
Lucinda: It’s a new car!
Gretchen: I just wanted something to really show my love and appreciation. I worry so often that you don’t realize how much you matter to me.
Eddier: Kiss-ass.
Mary: Show-off!
Lucinda: I really have always known, you did not need to do this, but I am so appreciative of this. I’m so proud of you for listening to me and going above and beyond to make this day special. Bring it in.
Gretchen: oh my god, my mother just asked for a hug and said she’s proud of me.
Anthony: We’ll see how long that lasts.
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
