Frances pulls into the studio lot and gets out of her car.
Essie: Someone’s late today!
DeAnna: And you look terrible!
Essie: She looks fine, why must you be so mean?
DeAnna: Why must you be so annoying?
Frances: Wow, I’m shocked to see you two hanging out. Was my arrival just so anticipated that you both had to forma stakeout to make sure I’d get here?
Essie: I wanted to talk with you about a crossover between our shows. I think it’d be a neat idea. DeAnna’s just a stalker.
DeAnna: This is what me and Frances do. I bug her in the morning, try to disturb her day. She never puts a stop to it, even though she clearly could go to Dana and ask her to make me leave her alone. It’s a game we play, cat and mouse.
Frances: Really, it’s just more trouble than it’s worth. I think of the trouble that our first responders and our military go through on a daily basis, and I realize that having to hear her shrill voice shrieking at me for a few minutes at the start of each day isn’t that bad. I can endure it.
DeAnna: So, why are you so late? I had to stand here fifteen minutes longer than usual, they’re about to have my head in there for delaying production for so long.
Frances: There’s really no interesting answer. I hit a bit of traffic on my way in.
DeAnna: There was no traffic when I came in!
Frances: That’s swell.
Essie: I know that look.
Frances: What look?
Essie: You were fooling around this morning! Come on, you can admit it, this is a sex-positive space.
Frances: Essie, I wouldn’t discuss this with you and DeAnna if you were the last two people on earth.
DeAnna: Wow, that’s confirmation! Who was it? You and the hubby are Splitsville, clearly you’ve found a new guy. I’ll figure out who it is one day! I’m quite smart!
Frances: If you’re in charge of the investigation, I know my secret’s safe forever.
Essie: Oh! She’s keeping secrets!
Frances: Okay, you two. I wish I could say it’s been lovely, but it’s not. See you tomorrow or -
Essie: You never answered me on the crossover!
Frances: I’ll have Beverly make arrangements! We’ll call you, do not call us!
DeAnna: I’m feeling very left out!
Frances: Good!
Frances walks into the studio.
Beverly: Finally! Frances, it’s a very special episode today!
Frances: Because we’re making panna cotta?
Beverly: We have a very special guest presiding over the episode today!
Frances: Oh! Who?
Dana: Frances, I’d like you to meet my good friend, Paul McVann.
Paul: Lovely to meet you, Frances.
Frances: Good to meet you, Mr. McVann. Who are you?
Dana: He’s the head of UTN. They’re looking to make a baking show of their own, and I have a network of cooking and baking shows, so I invited him here to see how the sausage gets made. They’re our sister network, after all, it’s my job to help them.
Paul: We really do appreciate it.
Marcia: A baking show on a big network like UTN? That’ll never work! Baking shows do well on a niche cable network like this, but they don’t have wide-enough appeal to get big numbers on broadcast TV!
Beverly: You are too negative sometimes! Our show has millions of viewers, it’s a huge hit!
Marcia: For cable.
Beverly: For any network!
Dana: Eh.
Paul: We’re not looking for this show to be huge, we just need a nice series that’ll keep the lights on in summer. We don’t have an America’s Got Talent or a Big Brother, we need something to fill space. We’re hoping this will be that.
Beverly: So you’re hoping to copy our homework to cobble together a summer series? Does this look like a summer series to you, sir? We are year-round hit.
Marcia: Honestly, I only watch this network in the summer.
Dana: Excuse me?
Marcia: I mean, I work on this show, I have no need to watch it.
Frances: You don’t watch our show?
Marcia: Do you?
Frances: No, but I’m very busy!
Beverly: You two don’t watch our show?
Dana: Well, that’ll explain this quarter’s ratings.
Beverly: Excuse me?
Dana: Just kidding, you’re still number one! Just… ten percent lower. But that’s not a conversation to have with a guest present.
Paul: I could step away if you needed to talk about anything.
Dana: No, I’m mostly pulling their legs. Their ratings are fine! The best on the network, that’s why I’m starting here. But please, don’t tell DeAnna that we view Frances’ show as the network’s most important show.
Frances: Yeah, that’s for me to tell her.
Dana: Please don’t, she’ll be so annoying.
Frances: She wouldn’t be DeAnna without being annoying. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go talk with the ladies. Well, once Jane gets here, that is.
Marcia: That’ll likely be days.
Frances: Is she always this late? Because I know I’m late, and I figured everyone would be waiting for me.
Beverly: She’s always this late.
Frances: Guess I never noticed.
Beverly: You’ve certainly complained enough about it over the years.
Frances: My mind’s just not in the right place today, I suppose. I have to gossip and there’s no time!
Beverly: Go ahead and gossip!
Jane: I’ve arrived! I stopped for coffee!
Beverly: Where’d you stop, San Luis Obispo?
Jane: Of course not, silly! I’d be much later if I had to drive all the way to St. Louis!
Marcia: Oh… my… god.
Jane: What?
Marcia: Nothing. Nothing at all.
Frances: We’re all here now. Meeting in my office. Dana, it’ll be quick, keep your friend company.
Paul: It’s fine, no need to rush. I understand the TV production process takes time.
Dana: So much time. Too much time. They waste a lot of it. It could be done so much faster.
Beverly: But then you’d be compromising the quality of the product!
Dana: I’m not sure all this chitchat increases the quality of the “product.”
Frances: Dana, I’ll be right back, I promise it won’t be longer than five minutes. Then, we’ll be ready to film!
Beverly: Hair and makeup?
Frances: Me and Marcia look fine!
Beverly: Hair and makeup.
Frances: I can only assume that was a diss.
Beverly: It should be taken however you want to take it.
In Frances’s office…
Frances: So! It’s been a week!
Jane: What’s been a week?
Marcia: Oy.
Jane: What’s “oy?”
Marcia: It’s a skin cream brand.
Jane: Isn’t that Olay?
Marcia: I was being sarcastic! My god!
Frances: Greg and I have been back together officially for a week. He’s living at home again, we went on a few dates just to renew the spark, it’s all going very well.
Marcia: I’m happy to hear that. I know how much you struggled with deciding to forgive him.
Beverly: Let the record show, when things go south again, I was always against this.
Frances: I’ve forgiven, I haven’t forgotten. I won’t get fooled again.
Beverly: What actually did make you forgive him, though?
Frances: The magical Christmas spirit. We all had a nice night together, and I thawed a bit. I talked with him, I decided to give it another try, and now we’re here. Took several weeks of thought before I made my final call, though. I had to be certain, and I am.
Marcia: I’m glad you did it. He’s an idiot, and his little gambling addiction is ridiculous, but he’s a good person.
Frances: It could’ve been so much worse. It could’ve been an affair. No, he just lost his job and started gambling. It’s a silly thing to end a marriage over without trying to work it out.
Beverly: He betrayed your trust, though.
Marcia: Whose side are you on here?
Beverly: I’m on the side of Frances not getting blindsided and betrayed again.
Frances: Bev, I appreciate the concern, you’re a good friend. But I know what I’m doing.
Jane: Nobody asked, but me and Jaime are doing better than ever! I think we’re going to get married!
Marcia: Is that even legal?
Beverly: Since 2013, Marcia.
Marcia: Man, I’m behind the times. I’m an ally, don’t get me wrong! I guess I’m just stunned by the thought of Jane getting married.
Jane: Would that be so wrong?
Marcia: Wrong? Of course not! Unexpected? Absolutely. You’re… different.
Jane: Is that another way to say “gay?”
Beverly: It’s another way to say “simple,” sweetheart.
Jane: I am a simple person.
Frances: Glad we all agree! Time to go film!
Beverly: Not so fast! Why were you so late today? Boss ain’t here, you can tell us the truth. It sure wasn’t traffic, so don’t try that on me
Frances: I was on the phone with Louise.
Beverly: That’s even less believable than traffic!
Frances: Greg and I wanted to invite her and Jimmy over for a nice little dinner. We thought it would be nice, we’ve obviously not had a family dinner in a while.
Jane: Jaime and I will be there!
Frances: What?
Jane: Jaime’s family!
Frances: I, uh -
Marcia: She’s got a point. See you tonight!
Frances: Wait, you’re coming too?
Marcia: If Jaime, your niece from Michigan, gets to be considered “family,” then as Greg’s sister, I’m certainly family.
Beverly: Well, me and Earl will be home watching TV. Very exciting night tonight, The Voice is finally back tonight.
Marcia: Wow, that’s… really thrilling.
Beverly: It is indeed. Okay, let’s get to work before Dana has an aneurysm caused by pure rage.
Later that night…
Greg: I’m so happy.
Frances: You keep saying that.
Greg: Are you not happy?
Frances: I’m happy we’re back together, it would’ve been a very silly reason to end a good marriage. But I’m not happy that a simple family dinner has become a stressful dinner party. I haven’t even been home an hour and everyone’s about to be here, the house is a mess!
Greg: I’m sorry I couldn’t clean it up to your liking, but I didn’t think it was that bad. I had to prioritize a bit of extra work.
Frances: Look, I’m just glad you’re working at all. That’s a fantastic improvement over where we were just a few months ago.
Greg: I’ve been working for months. That was August when we separated, I got a job in October. It takes surprisingly long to find a good job these days.
Frances: Do you think Louise and Jimmy like orange cake?
Greg: Orange cake?
Frances: It’s a cake with oranges in it, it’s pretty self explanatory.
Greg: You’re baking a cake?
Frances: It’s a Frances Conner dinner, of course I’m baking a cake!
Greg: You do too much.
Frances: I do too much because I demand perfection in every aspect of my life. This dinner is major, it’s our first dinner since we got back together, we need a good, memorable night with the family.
Greg: All right, but I just hate to see you stress.
Frances: Don’t tell anybody, but the main course was pre-prepared. This is all I have to do to get ready. Isn’t that swell?
Greg: It is!
One hour later…
Louise: Ah, look at the two of you! How cute!
Lauren: Can I be honest? I’m selfishly a bit disappointed, it was nice to have some single solidarity for a while, you know?
Jimmy: Honey, don’t say that.
Frances: Now, I get what she means. When she had that boyfriend for two weeks, I was very annoyed that everyone I knew is married or dating except for me.
Louise: That’s very sad.
Jane: It is sad that not everyone can be as happy as means Jaime.
Jaime: Babe, please stop. It feels like gloating.
Jane: They’re back together now, it’s fine!
Jaime: But, you know… my cousin is still lonely.
Lauren: Okay, now I feel like the knife’s being twisted a bit.
Marcia: It is so good to all be back together again. I’ve missed these dinners.
Greg: Well, I just really appreciate Frances forgiving my stupidity and giving em another chance.
Jane: What happened again?
Marcia: Jane, oh my god! You have the memory of a guppy!
Jane: What’s a guppy?
Jaime: It’s a fish, dear.
Jane: Oh, I have a pet fish.
Louise: Probably not for very long.
Jane: Why, what’s wrong with Mr. Bubbles?
Louise: You’re simple, dear.
Jane: Why do people keep calling me that?
Louise: If the shoe fits…
Jimmy: Okay, enough passive-aggressive comments and name-calling.
Lauren: Thank you!
Frances: We are both so glad to have you all here, too. It really is nice to return to life as normal, the last few months have been tough.
Louise: Thankfully, we’ve been here to get you through it.
Jimmy: I don’t know how much you’ve helped, honey.
Louise: I’m very comforting, I’m a sweetheart.
Lauren: Mom, I think sometimes you forget that we know you. You can lie to others about your behavior, you can’t lie to us.
Louise: My behavior?
Marcia: I think she just called you a bitch.
Lauren: I would never! Well, sort of.
Frances: This is the magic of family. These are the great moments in life most people ever dream of experiencing.
Louise: This?
Jimmy: I think it’s pretty great. Especially this dinner, amazing as always, sis!
Frances: Thank you, I work so hard on it.
Louise: Chicken’s a little dry.
Jane: The chicken is not dry!
Frances: Jane, it’s okay, she’s allowed to find the chicken a bit dry.
Louise: Thank you. My god, it’s still good, it could just be a bit more moist. This one’s about to behead me for it.
Jaime: She would never hurt a fly, trust me.
Louise: She might do it accidentally.
Jaime: Yeah, that’s happened a few times. Poor Mr. Wilkins.
Louise: Is that a different fish?
Jane: No, that’s our neighbor. I hit him with a car by accident.
Frances: You can’t get this magic anywhere else.
The next day, Frances gets a phone call from her financial advisor, Yvonne.
Yvonne: Francine!
Frances: Frances.
Yvonne: …Whatever.
Frances: You’re my financial advisor, I’d hope you know my name. In fact, you’ve been my financial advisor for fifteen years, ever since I’ve needed one. It greatly concerns me that you’re not certain of what my name is.
Yvonne: Come on, you know I got a lot on my plate.
Frances: Yes, Yvonne. I know tax season is coming up, or something like that.
Yvonne; That’s April, dummy! And you won’t have my to file!
Frances: What?
Yvonne: Oh, damn! Not how I planned to tell you.
Frances: Tell me what?
Yvonne: Mrs. Conner -
Frances: Oh, now you know my name and you’re getting all formal?
Greg: Frannie, I’m off for a run!
Frances: That’s great, Greg! Yvonne, what is going on?
Yvonne: Over the course of the last three months, over $500,000 has been withdrawn from your account. It was slow an methodical, and I assumed it was a purposeful withdrawal. However, the account is nearly empty now. As your financial advisor, I had to contact you and advise you that your best course of action here would be to sell your home, as you don’t have the funds to afford the mortgage.
Frances: Excuse me?
Yvonne: I’m very sorry, this is clearly not something you were aware of. I can contact authorities if you think this is theft. They could help recover the money.
Frances: No, that’s not necessary. I know where it came from.
Yvonne: So, what’s the next step here?
Frances: I’m gonna have to give that some thought.
What did you think of the season premiere of Frances in the kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
