Frances is at Jimmy and Louise’s house.
Frances: Hey, I gotta thank you guys for inviting me over. It’s been tough. I’ve been eating Chinese takeout, and Chinese leftovers, and leftovers of the Chinese leftovers… it’s been rough.
Louise: Jimmy forced my hand. I didn’t want to disturb you.
Frances: No, I’m fine being disturbed. My entire life right now is work and then coming home to lie on the couch and watch TV, where I eventually fall asleep. I haven’t slept in my bed since Greg left, probably a subconscious choice.
Jimmy: You can’t keep that up, it’s not healthy.
Frances: I’ve actually enjoyed getting to see some more TV. My neck just doesn’t enjoy all those hours on the couch.
Louise: Well, you’re off the couch and out of the house now, so that’s no need to dwell on it now.
Frances: My life’s a mess, guys.
Jimmy: It’s not that bad, you’re wildly successful.
Frances: Am I? I bake on TV. I’m a laughingstock. No one takes me seriously.
Jimmy: Plenty of people do!
Louise: A lot of the old moms I know have your cookbooks.
Frances: See! I appeal to “old moms.”
Louise: Old moms are a good key demographic, they’re the ones who buy themselves cookbooks.
Frances: Bu I am seen as an outdated product. I’m washed-up.
Jimmy: Where is this coming from?
Frances: From the general dissatisfaction I have with this mess I call a life.
Jimmy: Frances, you aren’t being fair to yourself.
Frances: Life’s not fair to me.
Louise: Look, aunt Frances, I only heard part of that conversation, but you have us. You have your crew on your show. You have many fans, because you’re one of the highest-rated cooking shows on cable TV. And, hell, she talks about you so much that you have DeAnna, too. You have a lot to be thankful for.
Frances: I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have that show.
Jimmy: Excuse me?
Frances: If I don’t get a raise, I’m walking away. I need a raise to help recoup the money I’ve lost.
Louise: I’m no financial expert, so pardon me -
Frances: Ah, don’t worry, neither is my financial advisor.
Louise: You’ll bring in less income if you quit entirely, no?
Frances: I fully expect to get my raise, but you never know! If I don’t, I know I have options.
Louise: You were just calling yourself washed-up a minuted ago!
Jimmy: Frances, I believe in you, but don’t push too hard. I don’t want you to end up in any desperate situation.
Frances: I know. I just think I deserve a higher pay. I don’t want to sound greedy, but I make a ton of money for this network, and I should get a share of that.
Louise: Well, if you find yourself out of a job and broke, I’d prefer if you immediately sought cheaper living accommodations. I don’t need you living in our guest room.
Lauren: Mom, are you joking?
Louise: We lived with her long enough, I’ve moved past that.
Jimmy: If she needs our help, we owe it to her to do just that.
Frances: I won’t need anyone’s help. I’m going to turn my life around, get all the pieces together.
Jimmy: Will money do that?
Frances: It’ll certainly help!
Louise: SO, what’s your plan to get your big raise?
Frances: I do not have one.
Louise: I am losing confidence.
Jimmy: I still have it, she’s tough, she’s scrappy.
Louise: That’s what a Survivor contestant that’s about to be voted out says about themselves.
Frances: I’m not about to be voted out. I’m about to be rewarded for my hard work.
Lauren: If you need someone to vouch for you, I’ll be happy to do it.
Frances: Lauren, I love you, but you’re an assistant. Dana couldn’t care less what you have to say! In fact, it’s best not to remind her that you exist.
Lauren: Why?
Frances: You push her buttons, you’re getting fired. Especially when you’re trying to
Lauren: Okay, I’ll stay quiet.
Louise: Good move, kiddo! Always put yourself first!
Jimmy: So, enough about work. How are you? You were married for a long time, how are you coping with filing for divorce?
Frances: We were separated already before. Hell, we weren’t even back together for two weeks before I ended it for good.
Louise: I gotta say, I am a bit impressed at him managing to drain over $500k in ten days. That’s dedication. He was acting like gambling was his full-time job.
Jimmy: He clearly wasn’t very good at it if he could blow through half a million in a few weeks.
Frances: It always took Greg a while to get the hang of anything. The first ten or fifteen times we played Yahtzee, he was an absolute disaster.
Jimmy: I don’t gamble away hundreds of thousands of dollars on a game of Yahtzee, though.
Frances: You don’t? You’re playing it wrong.
Louise: Lifestyles of the rich and famous!
The next day…
Beverly: Oh, Frannie, how are you?
Frances: I detest when you call me “Frannie.”
Marcia: So, no better.
Frances: It’s Frances! Not “Fran,” not “Frannie,” not “France,” Frances!
Beverly: What about F-dawg?
Marcia: I loved his last single with Fergie.
Frances: Just Frances. And why do you ask how I am? Have I been acting off?
Beverly: You’re going through a lot.
Frances: Really? I’ve hardly noticed.
Beverly: We’re just concerned about you, we don’t mean to offend.
Jane: Even I’ve noticed you’re not yourself.
Marcia: And you know how bad something has to be for Jane to notice?
Frances: I hardly think it’s a shock, a divorce is a very stressful thing, especially when it involves financial hardship. Give me time, I’ll get back to my regular, old, chipper self.
Marcia: Chipper?
Frances: Maybe that’s not the proper word.
Beverly: I hope you don’t think we’re rushing you into feeling better. You take all the time you need, that’s healthy.
Frances: I don’t want you guys worrying about me. I’m going to be fine, I’m not letting what Greg did to me ruin my work and my performance at my job. This show means a lot to me.
Beverly: Speaking of which, I know contracts are expiring… we have to schedule negotiations to renew the show.
Marcia: I want you to focus on healing, but also, I need this job. So let’s get negotiating and book that renewal!
Frances: Can I ask you ladies something?
Marcia: Oh no.
Beverly: That has historically never ended well.
Jane: Do I need to renegotiate my contract?
Beverly: Honey, we don’t even pay you, you’re just an intern that shows up out of habit.
Jane: Really? Where does that money come from, then?
Beverly: My god, I thought that was a very obvious joke.
Marcia: Nothing’s ever too obvious for Jane. Anyway, Frances, what do you need to ask?
Beverly: I forgot about that, Jane’s brief distraction was nice.
Frances: It’s nothing bad!
Marcia: That’s always the preface to something bad.
Frances: I need a raise.
Marcia: Okay. Not a shocking thing to say in relation to talks of a contract renewal.
Frances: A big raise.
Beverly: How big are we talking?
Frances: Well, my last raise was a very modest one, and I had to fight for that. But we’re in a different place now. I have nothing to lose!
Marcia: Yeah, but, uh, I do.
Frances: I have a good relationship with Dana.
Beverly: Eh.
Frances: She likes me, she respects me.
Beverly: She likes that you’re #1. She sure respects those ratings.
Frances: Exactly! I’m her highest-rated show! Essie gets paid more than me, and my ratings are 20% above hers!
Beverly: So, not to be nosy, but again: just how big of a raise are we talking here?
Frances: Three million a year.
Beverly: Okay. That’s… significantly more than you’re currently paid.
Marcia: I get paid two hundred grand a year, what gives?
Frances: You’re not the star.
Beverly: Do you think she’ll agree to that?
Frances: I don’t know, but I know what I’m worth. I need to be the highest-paid host on this network.
Beverly: I don’t’ want you to get hung up on that. You’ve never been one to chase a status. You’ve never even cared about being popular!
Frances: This is the new Frances! I’m a star, I’m damn-well going to be treated like it.
Beverly: Okay, I support that. Just go in with an open mind. They may not agree to quite the raise you’re looking for.
Marcia: Yeah, these networks are cheap.
Jane: You can have my salary if you want.
Frances: No, dear, that’s very sweet, but I think that’s against some union laws.
Jane: Well, I don’t mind.
Frances: What do we have on the show today? I need something to distract me from my contract talk. I’m actually quite nervous about it.
Beverly: We have special guest Lisa Leslie, retired WNBA legend -
Marcia: There’s a WNBA?
Beverly: She’s going to chat with you about her life since retiring while you make healthy, nutritional snacks.
Frances: Are you trying to send a subliminal message that it’s time to hang it up?
Beverly No! Your show’s main audience is just retirees. We want to keep them healthy, so they’re around to watch.
Frances: That does make sense.
The next day…
DeAnna: Frances! I’ve missed our talks!
Frances: Yeah, you’ll have to miss them a bit longer. I don’t have the energy for this right now, I have contract negotiations today.
DeAnna: I’m praying they fall through! I want that parking spot!
Frances: You’re always so lovely.
DeAnna: Look, I know what you’re going through -
Frances: And you want to rub it in?
DeAnna: No, I want to be here for you! You ever need to vent about how much men suck, and how terrible life can be, I’m here.
Frances: You? You’re my nemesis.
DeAnna: We’re both too old to have a nemesis. Besides, ever since Essie came along, I have someone that drives me even more insane than you! So, I know we’re not friends, we’ll always be rivals, but any way I can help you get out of this funk, I’m here to help.
Frances: Help make it worse?
DeAnna: No, I want you to get back to your witty self. It’s no fun trading barbs with someone who’s down and out. I need a fair fight!
Frances: That’s sort of nice. I never would’ve expected that from you!
DeAnna: I’m a very nuanced person!
In Dana’s office…
Dana: Thank you for coming in, Frances.
Frances: Thank you for having me!
Dana: I was surprised you wanted to talk so early in the day, before filming.
Frances: I just want to get this over with, you know?
Dana: I get it. I think this should be a pain-free process, though. You’re a reasonable woman, and we respect your contribution to the network, we should come to a quick deal.
Frances: Is that why all the lawyers are here?
Dana: Yes, but they remain silent, as all lawyers ought to be. No need to fear them.
Yvonne: Well, my client -
Frances: Yvonne, only jump in if necessary, remember?
Yvonne: Okay, fine!
Dana: Are our most prized and respected shot, we are willing to offer you an excellent deal to re-sign. Last time, I know you had tough negotiations to get a 10% raise. We’re willing to give you that 10% off the bat, for a four-year deal. That’ll take us through 2020.
Frances: That’s about $1,800,000?
Dana: A little above. Feels nice to get that raise without any pain, no?
Frances: Dana, I need more. I know you’re paying Essie over two million.
Dana: I know, but -
Frances: No buts!
Dana: Her deal was unique, she produces more content. Your show is a marvelous success for us, but it’s one half-hour. Essie has her daily one-hour show and another competition series both included in her deal.
Frances: Three million, Dana.
Dana: Frances, that’s -
Yvonne: Reasonable! My client, she’s your number one show! People tune in JUST for her!
Dana: This is a cable network, we need to produce shows at lower price point.
Frances: I understand that, but I’m owed more. I’m done settling, I have to put me first. I will not sign another contract for less than what I’m owed. Three million, or you lose your number one show, and I go somewhere else. You lose Frances in the Kitchen, you lose my likeness on all your cookbooks, you can’t use me in any promotional materials, you can’t film at my restaurant anymore. I’m a brand, and I’m a valuable one at that.
Dana: I respect that, I just… it’s a lot. And DeAnna, what if she gets wind of this?
Frances: Oh, she will. I will rub it in constantly, and she will get over it. I’ve seen her ratings versus mine, I’m worth what I’m demanding. She is not.
Dana: Let us talk it over and consider it. If we can’t agree to your terms, then I don’t know what to say. I suppose it’ll be, sadly, time for you to move on, if that’s what you decide. I’ll let you know tomorrow.
Frances: I appreciate the honesty, and I will see you tomorrow, then.
Later that night…
Frances: Jimmy, I gave her an ultimatum! I demanded three million dollars a year! I’m currently paid $1,650,000!
Jimmy: That’s… a big raise.
Frances: I know! I’ve gone mad! I told her I’d quit if I didn’t get the raise! No negotiations, just three million or nothing!
Louise: That was very, very stupid.
Frances: I know!
Lauren: I think you might get it. You’re valuable, she knows that. She’s a good businesswoman.
Jimmy: And if not, you have what, six months left in your contract? Plenty of time to find a new job!
Louise: Like she’ll ever find another job! Who’s gonna hire a middle-aged TV chef?
Frances: Thanks for the pick-me-up
Louise: Any time!
The next day…
Beverly: Frances, Dana is here.
Frances: Uh oh.
Jane: Did you ever ask her about -
Marcia: Not the time, Jane! We’re about to find out if we’re all fired or not!
Frances: You sure we have to do this now?
Marcia: Oh, we’re doing this now.
Frances: She’s in my office, right?
Beverly: Yup! Have fun! Don’t get the show canceled, please!
Frances: I don’t think there’s anything I can say to change her mind if that’s the way she’s decided.
Beverly: At least try!
Frances walks into her office.
Dana: Frances…
Frances: You look dismayed. Well, I’ve loved working for this network, it’s been the thrill of my life, I wish things could have ended differently -
Dana: Hey, who’s saying its ending? I’m just sad I’m parting with another three million a year for the next four years!
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
