Marcia walks out of her dressing room and onto the set.
Marcia: I bring news.
Beverly: Can you bring it quickly? We have a show to film, we’re already behind because of your top-secret phone call.
Marcia: My parents are coming to town for a visit.
Frances: Oh!
Marcia: You seem unamused.
Frances: They’ve never been my biggest fans.
Marcia: Well, Greg hasn’t broken the news to them yet, so -
Frances: Give them a ring, I’ll break it to them right now!
Marcia: He wanted to do it in person.
Frances: Okay!
Marcia: With you.
Frances: We all want things we can’t have. Personally, I want Brad Pitt. That’s what you call a dream!
Marcia: Don’t think of it as doing a favor for Greg. Think of it as doing a favor for my parents.
Frances: I can’t stand them either! The only good thing they’ve ever done is raise you!
Marcia: Aww! And hey! Those are my parents you’re talking about!
Frances: Come on, you know they’ve always been awful to me. In fact, awful is the polite way of stating it. Those two could be absolutely evil to me!
Marcia: Now you’re the one stretching it.
Frances: Maybe evil is going too far. But they sure didn’t make my life any easier! I wish them the best, because that’s the sort of person I am -
Marcia: Laying it on thick, no?
Frances: but I have no interest in subjecting myself to that now that I really have no reason to do so.
Marcia: Come on, you were married for over twenty years!
Frances: Yes, I served my time.
Marcia: You’d still be married if he weren’t a gambling thief.
Frances: And if In were 30 years younger, 10 pounds lighter, and had a different face, I could be named #1 on the Maxim Hot 100.
Marcia: I’m not defending him on what he did, but you did love him for a long time. Just do him this solid.
Beverly: Someone, do something quick, so we can get this show on the road!
Jane: Yeah, even I am wondering why we’re talking so much and not filming.
Beverly: My god, you snuck up on me, I almost had a heart attack!
Jane: Sorry, I’ll try to walk louder next time.
Beverly: Maybe we can just put a bell on you.
Frances: You know what? I’ll have one dinner party with your parents and Greg. It’ll be at Louise and Jimmy’s.
Marcia: Do Louise and Jimmy know they’re hosting this?
Frances: As if they’d ever say no to me. I need you to know, though: after this one, I’m done. I’m not putting up with Greg, I’m not putting up with your parents, not ever again. I’m dropping this bomb and exiting stage left from all of their lives. Perhaps after giving them a small piece of my mind on the way out.
Marcia: Sounds fair to me. All that matters to me is that you show up at all!
Beverly: Great that that’s worked out. Now, onto the show!
Jane: Wait, can I come to the party?
Frances: I wouldn’t call it a “party.”
Jane: Well, what would you call it?
Frances: Hell on earth? Certainly not a party.
Jane: Well, can I come to it?
Frances: What the hell, why not? You’ll probably annoy my in-laws, that’ll make me happy.
Marcia: Frances, just because you won’t have to deal with them again, doesn’t mean I won’t.
Frances: That’s not my problem!
Later that day…
Jimmy: Frances! You look chipper!
Louise: No, we weren’t busy with anything.
Jimmy: Ah, come on, we’ve always got time for Frances.
Louise: I was gardening. I’m being taken away from my garden.
Frances: Garden away! I can just talk to Jimmy about it!
Louise: I can’t leave him unattended with you, that’s when you get him to agree to some of your sneakiest and most ill-advised ideas.
Frances: I resent the implication!
Jimmy: It’s not entirely wrong.
Frances: We have fun.
Jimmy: So, what brings you here this time?
Frances: Just wanted to see you! I don’t always have an ulterior motive.
Jimmy: I like to think that, but…
Frances: Oh, come on! You’re right down the road, I have no one at home, I just wanted to hang!
Louise: Here’s a pair of gloves and a garden shovel. Get to work!
Frances: Oh, I’d, uh… rather not. I don’t play with dirt.
Louise: Ah, I forgot, you pay someone to garden for you, you’re too good for yard work. Too rich and too “busy.”
Jimmy: Do you need to taunt her?
Louise: No, but I greatly enjoy it.
Frances: Fair.
Jimmy: Let me go make you a drink, we can relax on the Adirondack chairs while she gardens and heckles us.
Louise: I don’t “heckle.”
Jimmy: You’re doing it right now!
Louise: I am not!
Frances: You said that in such a beautiful tone of voice. Very soothing, very loving.
Louise: Do you want to get your head bashed in by a hoe?
Frances: What did you just call yourself?
Louise: I mean it!
Frances: No thank you. I will behave and sit in the weird chair that divots in the back to ensure I won’t be able to get back out of it.
Ten minutes later…
Frances: This mojito is quite good! I didn’t know you knew how to make one!
Jimmy: Oh, I got the recipe on TV!
Frances: Where on TV?
Jimmy: Um, uh… uh… The View.
Frances: You got it from Whoopi?
Jimmy: Yep.
Frances: I’m going to ask you a question. Answer honestly.
Jimmy: I never lie.
Frances: DeAnna just did an episode about making cocktails, because she is a semi-functioning alcoholic. Did you get the recipe from her?
Jimmy: I’d never!
Louise: You could’ve just lied and said you learned it from a bartender! It’s not like it’s a hard recipe! It’s lime juice and rum!
Jimmy: And other things!
Louise: Oh, sugar and mint, such hard things to remember!
Jimmy: It’s all about the ratios.
Louise: Is that what DeAnna told you?
Jimmy: Low blow!
Frances: That’s a line she uses a lot, actually.
Louise: Ah! Got you!
Frances: Well, I know one way to counteract this betrayal.
Louise: There it is! She waited for a slip-up so she could ask us for something in order to “forgive” you. She’s a genius. An evil genius.
Frances: Why, thank you! So, I apologize for this.
Louise: Don’t apologize, drop the bomb. We all know this is what you wanted all along.
Frances: Okay, my in-laws are coming to visit, and Marcia begged, and I gave in, for me to meet with them in-person, with Greg.
Jimmy: You want us to go with as moral support?
Frances: Sort of.
Louise: That’s bad enough, you want even more from us?
Frances: I want a nice home-field advantage, but I don’t want them in my home. I was hoping you could host the dinner. It’s when I’m going to tell them, because their loser son has not, that we’re getting divorced. And then I’m going to tell them off!
Louise: You want us to host a dinner with your in-laws, soon-to-be-ex-husband, and Marcia?
Jimmy: Anything to help you, Frances!
Louise: Jimmy, can we have a quick sidebar?
Jimmy: You’re gonna try to bully me into not helping my sister, I just know it.
Louise: It’s not “bullying.” It’s called getting us out of a terrible situation!
Frances: I promise, it won’t be that bad.
Louise: If there’s some sort of mess, any thrown food, or broken dishes, or any Housewives-style disaster, you’re cleaning it up. Got it?
Frances: Got it!
Jimmy: So when’s the dinner?
Frances: Oh, two days from now.
Jimmy: That’s not much notice.
Louise: I’ll have to go to the store tomorrow, and get something to make.
Frances: Ah, we’re even torturing them with your cooking, Louise? Good thinking!
Louise: That was mean.
Frances: I had to get you back for all that you throw my way!
Louise: You got me back enough with this “favor!”
Two days later…
Frances: DeAnna!
DeAnna: You’re calling for me? Wow, very surprising.
Frances: I need to let out some steam, I have to see my in-laws today. I’m supposed to contain my anger a bit, so I gotta take it out on you, you bridge troll.
DeAnna: Your in-laws? So those were the old people I saw walking onto the set with Marcia!
Frances: Excuse me?
DeAnna: Did you not know they were coming here?
Frances: No, I gotta see them at dinner tonight!
DeAnna: Ooh, dinner! What are we having?
Frances: “We” are having nothing. You’re not part of this. Well… you could be.
DeAnna: I’m listening!
Frances: Look, I don’t want to make an ass of myself tonight, even if I don’t like these people. You have no qualms about looking like an ass.
DeAnna: Completely correct.
Frances: Tell them off for me! You come to dinner and give them a piece of my mind, for me.
DeAnna: It’s an interesting proposal!
Frances: You told me you’re here for me to get out of my funk.
DeAnna: You seem to be basically out of that, no?
Frances: I’ll be back in it if you don’t do this for me.
DeAnna: Well, if this will help you get back to normal, then fine. I will be there tonight! Where, exactly, will I be?
Frances: My brother’s.
DeAnna: Oh, your brother, he was nice that time I met him. And his wife -
Frances: You don’t have to say it. I’ll say it for you. She’s evil.
DeAnna: Exactly why I like her! She’s got spunk!
Frances: Okay, I guess it’s time for me to go in there and deal with… that. See you tonight! For the first time ever, l’ll actually be glad to see you!
DeAnna: Thank you! That was something I should say thank you to, right?
On the set of Frances in the Kitchen…
Marcia: Frances, look you arrived early!
Frances: Floyd, Kitty.
Kitty: You’re late!
Floyd: And none of this food is any good, ain’t you supposed to be a cook?
Frances: Well, I don’t make the craft services food.
Floyd: Why not?
Frances: I have other responsibilities.
Kitty: When you know you’re having guests, should you not try to make sure they have quality food to eat and that they have a nice visit?
Frances: I’ll be honest, I did not know I was getting guests today.
Floyd: How could you not know?
Frances: Usually, people have to tell me they’re coming first. Though, admittedly, most people aren’t this demanding when they do visit, so I don’t really have to prepare anything even when I do know someone’s coming.
Kitty: You’re a professional host, you should be a bit more skilled in this area.
Frances: I host a television show, I’m not Martha Stewart.
Floyd: That’s for sure.
Frances: But, let me tell you, if you really want some quality food made by me on this set, you can eat what I make one this show. We’d usually give it to a soup kitchen or a food bank, but you two clearly need it more.
Kitty: I appreciate the offer, but I’ve filled myself with these room temperature vegetables and snack wraps.
Floyd: I think she was being sarcastic, anyway. It’s one of my least favorite things she does.
Frances: Oh, is it? I just w-
Marcia: Frances, meeting in the office, please? I have something to say about today’s show.
Frances: Oh, really, you can’t say it here?
Marcia: No.
Floyd: Why not, kid?
Kitty: Are you afraid she’ll turn down your idea and you don’t want us to embarrass you by sticking up for it?
Marcia: No! I’m not a child!
Kitty: Whatever your idea is, I think Frances should certainly consider it.
Frances: Okay, let’s go talk.
In Frances’s office…
Frances: What?
Marcia: I am so sorry.
Frances: Why are they here? I gotta deal with these people twice in one day?
Marcia: I know, I know. They just really wanted to see you, and see the set! It’s been a long time!
Frances: Why, did they miss berating me and making me want to cry?
Marcia: They were unkind, but not so bad!
Frances: It’s just a lot. They make me feel so worthless!
Marcia: They’re pretty much entirely meaningless to you now. Don’t let them get to you!
Frances: It’s just hard. I had loving parents, this was not something I was ever prepared for.
Marcia: I know. I had loving parents, too, I didn’t expect them to be this difficult to in-laws. But they’re like this with Howard, too.
Frances: Not this bad!
Marcia: Yeah, they like him better. And they like Greg more than me, so they’re even more overprotective.
Frances: It’s just one more day.
Marcia: Exactly!
Frances: I will try my hardest.
Marcia: Thank you. And, again, I’m sorry.
Frances and Marcia return to the set.
Frances: Oh, I see you two have met Jane!
Kitty: Is she… special?
Beverly: She is very special to us, yes.
Jane: Aww!
Floyd: She means is she simple.
Jane: I am a simple girl.
Floyd: Are you lacking mentally? That’s what she meant.
Jane: Oh… um… that’s mean.
Kitty: Being forced to converse with you, that’s what was mean. I mean, Jesus, I did not take a flight here from Boca Raton, with a layover in Houston, just to have to deal with this.
Jane: I don’t mean to upset you.
Frances: No, Jane, it’s not your fault.
Kitty: It is.
Floyd: Kit, it’s not worth it. She clearly doesn’t understand. She lacks the capacity to. She’s an overgrown Make-a-Wish kid or something.
Frances: All right, lay off of her. This is too much.
Floyd: Really?
Frances: She’s my friend, I stick up for my friends. Please stop berating her.
Floyd: No wonder the craft services food is so awful, if these are the sort of staffers she finds acceptable.
Marcia: Dad, stop.
Floyd: All right, fine.
Beverly: I think maybe you two can take a seat over here while we prepare to start filming.
Later that night…
Frances: Thank you again for hosting.
Lauren: What is my boss doing here?
Frances: Ah, she’s early! I was afraid I’d have to deal with them without her.
Lauren: What is going on? Since when can you two stand each other?
Frances: Since never, but she’s agreed to help me deal with Kitty and Floyd. You know how hard they can be on me.
Jimmy: And everyone, really.
Jane: They made me cry.
Jaime: Aww, babe, it’s okay.
Jane: You didn’t hear it. It was so bad!
Jaime: I won’t let them talk to you that way again.
DeAnna: Oh, this place is cute! Jimmy, Louise, lovely to see you again.
Frances: Did you just walk in without knocking?
DeAnna: A star doesn’t have to knock.
Louise: Frances knocks.
DeAnna: Exactly.
Lauren: Where is uncle Greg? I feel like he should probably get here before them if you don’t want to spoil the big surprise that you’re, you know, splitsville.
DeAnna: Oh, Lauren, I didn’t even notice you there! Good to see you!
Lauren: Yeah, it’s awesome to see you too. Out of work, just where I want to see my boss.
Frances: He’s always late, he doesn’t do anything right.
Louise: Aww, come on, that’s unfair. He’s made mistakes, big ones, but you had good years together.
Frances: Have you considered that I’m mad at him.
There’s a knock at the door.
DeAnna: I’ll get it, I’m right here.
Louise: She can even answer a door! Stars, they’re just like us!
Frances: Finally, she makes herself useful.
DeAnna opens the door.
Greg: Hi, everyone, I know this is awkward, I’m sorry. The record’s getting set straight tonight.
Frances: Ground rules. No hugging, absolutely no kissing, you will sit next to me at the table but not make any physical contact whatsoever. Upon the cessation of eating, we will tell them that we are divorcing, at which point, you will all leave, so I don’t have to see you again outside of a courtroom. Do you understand?
Greg: I do.
Frances: We’ll see about that! You said you understood that you weren’t supposed to gamble anymore, and yet…
Greg: I truly am so sorry about that. You know, I’ve been in counseling, and I’m going to repay the money.
Frances: You gonna get that by gambling some more?
DeAnna: Frances, I’m very impressed by this, I don’t know if you need me to be a bulldog.
Greg: What is she doing here? And what does she mean “be a bulldog?”
Lauren: I am also curious.
Frances: Your parents are bullies. I can’t throw it back at them, because I need to be polite. So she’s here to dish it out in return.
Greg: That feels… dirty.
Frances: I don’t want to hear from you about dirty, thief!
Fifteen minutes later…
Marcia: Mom, dad, this is Jimmy and Louise’s place, you remember them.
Floyd: I still don’t know why Frances is having her brother host dinner! She’s an even worse hostess than I thought!
Kitty: Oh my god, DeAnna Clifton.
DeAnna: As I live and breathe!
Kitty: I watch you all the time!
Frances: Of course you do.
DeAnna: Happy to meet a fan. Although, I’m not a fan of that outfit, it just clashes.
Floyd: What did you just say to my wife?
Greg: Mom, dad, I’m so happy to see you!
Frances: Yeah, we’re thrilled to see you! Sadly, the house is undergoing repairs, so we did have to relocate here.
Floyd: Rich people are never satisfied. You live in a mansion and you need repairs? We’ve lived in the same house for thirty years, we’ve never once had to do more than throw up a fresh can of paint. Why? Because we’re grateful for what we’ve got, no need to fix it.
Frances: Yeah, exactly. I’m rich and greedy, sorry about it.
DeAnna: That doesn’t sound like being grateful, just lazy and cheap.
Floyd: Excuse me?
Marcia: I’m just really wondering what DeAnna’s doing here.
DeAnna: Me and Frances are friends now, ever since the divorce. Uh oh!
Kitty: The what?
Greg: Mom, I wanted to tell you -
Kitty: What did you do to my boy?
Floyd: Much like being unsatisfied with her house and seeking an overhaul, I bet she went looking around for other men. It’s sick what happens in Hollyweird.
Frances: I really did not plan on it coming out like… this.
Greg: It wasn’t my fault!
Frances: Are you kidding me?
Greg: I have a condition?
Frances: You’re gonna have a foto up your ass if you keep this up!
Kitty: Woah! I’m calling the cops!
Louise: Oh, I don’t do cops!
Floyd: Why is she acting like she’s a fugitive?
Lauren: I mean, for all we know, she is.
Jane: Ouch! I stubbed my toe!
DeAnna: No one cares, woman up!
Frances: DeAnna, you’ve done enough. Just sit at the table and await paella.
Louise: It’s my world-famous recipe.
Kitty: I am not in the mood for damn paella!
Floyd: She broke our son’s heart, she refuses to host us for dinner, and now she’s not even making the dinner. Son, you’re lucky to be getting away from this one!
Frances: Enough! For over twenty years - twenty! - I’ve had to deal with heckling from the two of you. Nothing has ever been good enough, I’ve never been the right fit for your son.
Kitty: Clearly, we were right, seeing as -
Frances: I am not finished! Shut the hell up, Kitty!
Kitty: Oh my god!
Floyd: Don’t talk to my wife like that!
Frances: Don’t get me started, Floyd! It was one thing for her to abuse me emotionally, no one’s supposed to like their mother-in-law! But you, you were supposed to. Be the voice of reason, and you were even crueler! Petty digs, insults, attacks at my character, all passed off as good-natured ribbing, but I knew you meant it. And I’d grin and bear it for the sake of my marriage, for the sake of my sanity. No longer! I am done with this family of lunatic emotional terrorists! Every second of time spent with the two of you has been pure, undying hell on earth!
Floyd: I don’t have to take this.
Frances: No, you do. I took it for over twenty years, you can withstand five minutes of me finally telling it like it is.
Greg: Look, I just -
Frances: Screw off.
Kitty: Don’t talk to my son like that! It’s your fault this marriage fell apart to begin with!
Frances: Oh, you believe him? I did, too!
Greg: Frances, don’t.
Frances: Greg and I separated last supper, after over two decades of apparent bliss. Why? He lost his job, and lied to me about it.
Kitty: You left him because he lost his job? Way to kick a guy while he’s down.
Floyd: In this family, we don’t abandon ship just because -
Frances: Can if, Floyd, I’m still not done. So, he lied, which was upsetting on its face, but making it worse was that he’d spent weeks that I thought he was working gambling at the casino. He had a problem, it needed to be fixed. And I worked through it with him, but not as his wife. I felt betrayed, it felt like a sort of emotional cheating, though he cheated on me with poker chips instead for another woman. Well, we get back together. Within weeks of reconciling, I’m informed that my bank account’s been drained of over half a million dollars. He took it, after claiming to have kicked his gambling habit, and gambled it away. The man nearly ruined me financially, and has ruined me emotionally, and that is why I’m divorcing him. So yes, maybe it’s my fault in that I personally made the call to end it. But that was for my own sanity, because of his own actions. Sorry to break the illusion that your son’s perfect, but he’s not.
Kitty: Greggy, is this true?
Greg: Well -
Marcia: It’s entirely true.
Kitty: Frances, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know! And I didn’t mean to mistreat you. I love you, bring it in!
Frances: Excuse me?
Kitty: Give me a hug, you clearly need it after all he’s put you through.
Floyd: Yeah, you do. I’m sorry for giving you hell. You don’t deserve it. You never did.
Frances: Am I dreaming?
Louise: I wouldn’t be here if you were dreaming. I know that much.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
