Olivia walks into her apartment and falls onto the couch.
Fred: Rough day at the office?
Olivia: My family, man. Why’d I ever fight so hard to reconcile with them?
Fred: Twice! You did it twice!
Olivia: And both times, they were the ones who started the problems to begin with. They’re lucky I’m so forgiving and generous.
Fred: I think they’d see it differently.
Olivia: Of course they would, they’re delusional.
Fred: So what did they do this time?
Olivia: They’re just running me ragged. You know, I’m quite old.
Fred: No! You’re not old!
Olivia: I don’t appreciate the clear sarcasm I could hear in your voice.
Fred: There was no sarcasm, that’s just how I speak.
Olivia: Sure.
Fred: Have you considered requesting that they dial back your assignments?
Olivia: Never! I just had a break, requesting a lightened workload would just make them think I can’t do the job anymore. They’d force me into retirement, like mum.
Fred: Working yourself to pure exhaustion hardly feels like a sensible alternative.
Olivia: I’ll be fine! I just need to rest up, I’ll get used to working again soon. It just takes a little time.
Fred: In the meantime, let’s get you in something comfortable and rest a bit.
Olivia: You’re acting like I’m some frail old lady!
Fred: I just don’t want you over-exerting yourself. You take on too much sometimes.
Olivia: Someone’s got to keep this family in line! Look at the rest of these fools! They don’t do anything! Thanks to their lackadaisical work ethic, the general public don’t believe we even do anything.
Fred: I mean, they’re not entirely wrong. You drive around, cut ribbons, visit sailors on boats…
Olivia: That’s work!
Fred: You’re like the country’s supervisors. And who likes their supervisor?
Olivia: We are diplomatic leaders. We are economic leaders. We impact policy at home and abroad.
Fred: I agree, but most of what you do is, uh… well, it seems easy to most people.
Olivia: You just said I work too hard!
Fred: You do. You traverse across the entire country to meet with people, shake hands, all that. The job isn’t necessarily hard, but thee traveling takes a toll, all that walking wears you down. The rest of them don’t work nearly as hard.
Olivia: Nice save!
The next morning…
Fred: Olivia, dear, your brother’s calling.
Olivia: Well, I won’t be answering. Back to sleep I go.
Fred: It is, apparently, an emergency. Or so he claims.
Olivia: Did you speak to him?
Fred: No, but he left a message.
Olivia: What time is it?
Fred: Seven.
Olivia: I suppose I should be getting up anyway. Would’ve appreciated the extra half-hour. Alas…
Fred: I’ve already made breakfast for you, and your tea is ready.
Olivia: Wow, you really want me to get up.
Fred: Your brother’s going to keep phoning until you finally answer.
Olivia: This better be important.
Olivia gets up and calls Claude back.
Claude: At long last, I get ahold of you!
Olivia: Mum better be dead to be calling this many times at seven in the morning!
Claude: What an awful thing to say about our dear mother!
Olivia: I take it she’s still breathing then?
Claude: Yes, and you’re lucky she is!
Olivia: so what’s this about?
Claude: I just can’t believe you were ignoring me and then you’re so flippant about it! What if this were an emergency?
Olivia: It’s not even an emergency?
Claude: Not in the traditional sense, no.
Olivia: Oh my god. I’m hanging up and lying back down!
Claude: It’s still very important!
Olivia: I have my doubts, at this point.
Claude: You’re allowed to have your doubts, but I’m going to need you at the palace at noon regardless.
Olivia: Why? I’m run ragged so as it is, and I have a full schedule today.
Claude: There’s a family matter that requires the attention of absolutely all of us.
Olivia: Who’s pregnant?
Claude: Nobody is pregnant. Although, if Nathan insists that Alicia must be the one, then they better get on that. Not getting any younger!
Olivia: You annoy me.
Claude: The feeling is mutual!
Olivia: I’ll be there, but this better be important.
Claude: It is! I promise!
Olivia: This early morning call already has me questioning my second reconciliation with the family, so this better be worth my time!
Later that day…
Claude: Has anyone seen Olivia?
Claire: Give her time, it’s barely noon.
Claude: Everyone else is here! Everyone else understands the weight of the moment.
Gigi: Even Todd, and he’s barely even part of the family.
Todd: That’s not bloody true!
Gigi: It bloody is!
Eleanor: Stop talking like that, you two. You sound like commoners!
Ethan: Mother, since when are you a classist?
Eleanor: I’m the queen of the United Kingdom, I’ve always been a classist.
Olivia: Have no fear, I have arrived to fix whatever mess Claude’s gotten us into!
Claude: I haven’t gotten us into any mess!
Olivia: So you claim.
Claude: It’s the truth! This mess is not my fault, not any of our faults, really.
Arthur: I don’t want anything to be truly wrong, but this did disturb my day, so I’m hoping this is important.
Olivia: That’s what I said!
Christine: Arthur, don’t complain about your father’s orders, you don’t want to be like your aunt.
Olivia: And what’s wrong with being like me?
Christine: Everything.
Claire: I think you’re too hard on her!
Christine: We’re not nearly hard enough on her.
Selina: How is it that Olivia comes storming in and gets us all talking about her? She is such a distraction, and you all treat her like the star of the show. She isn’t! Claude is!
Olivia: I’d beg to differ.
Selina: You would.
Olivia: Now you’re all just picking fights for the sake of it.
Claude: All right, I’ve given enough time to this silliness. We need to get to business. My beloved family, we’ve been “canceled.”
Gigi: About time, I’d say. What’d they cancel us for?
Eleanor: Excuse me… “canceled?” Says who, how do they have that authority, and also, what does that mean?
Claude: “Canceled” seems to be the word the kids online use to describe people whose so-called “misdeeds” have caused them to fall out of favor with the public.
Eleanor: And what did we do to cause that? And again, who says so?
Ethan: Mum’s getting all worked up, all because of the internet!
Eleanor: It didn’t exist when I was young, and it confuses me!
Claude: The student union at Belfast College has voted to take down our portraits on the college’s grounds and rename the building on the campus named after our family, calling us “colonizers” and decrying the “damage” we’ve caused to the country.
Todd: Bloody hell!
Eleanor: Stop that!
Christine: These people are ungrateful, a bunch of little brats who don’t respect their leaders, don’t respect their history, don’t respect the sacrifices this family has made to keep this country prosperous!
Claude: They say we perform no valuable service, but “steal” from taxpayers.
Olivia: Oh, we don’t steal anything, they know the whole deal coming in! You don’t like having a King, go to America, see how that works out for you!
Gigi: Who would ever want to do that?
Alicia: Hey!
Gigi: I mean, you know what crowd you’re running with here. That wasn’t and unexpected jab.
Alicia: I still need to defend my country, I suppose.
Nathan: You don’t, dear. They’re very hard to defend.
Alicia: I know. It is very difficult.
Gigi: We’re just more fun! They have a “president” who seventy-five percent of them dislike, we have a king, who has no real power, but he’s got a neat cape and most of the population can tolerate him.
Claude: Thank you, Gigi. That restores my faith a bit.
Gigi: Happy to help.
Olivia: So what, exactly, is the emergency here? One college hates us, that’s a crisis now? Kids are dumb, that’s not breaking news. The BBC won’t have to interrupt Corrie for that.
Selina: Corrie’s on ITV!
Olivia: Like I care!
Gigi: Which one’s on the Beeb then?
Selina: EastEnders!
Olivia: That’s the same show!
Arthur: I think we’ve also overlooked a key element here: the college is in Belfast! Northern Ireland! That’s not exactly our home turf, now is it?
Claire: We’ve made inroads!
Arthur: Not enough to be terribly shocked by this. I’m mostly shocked they ever hung our portraits to begin with!
Claude: I know the history quite well, I lived through all that turmoil. But I am still concerned that this represents a general decline of support for our family among younger Britons.
Arthur: They’re not Britons in Belfast though, are they?
Eleanor: I don’t think we need to wade into that.
Arthur: They’re quite literally on a different island. They’re Irish!
Claude: I am simply concerned by how young people in this country view us. I just saw a poll with only a third of Britons eighteen through twenty-four supporting the monarchy! That’s worse than support for the Prime Minister, and she’s an idiot!
Ethan: I think “simpleton” is the more apt term.
Olivia: How do you intend to change that, though? They’re entitled to their own beliefs, dumb as they may be.
Claude: I can’t believe I’m saying these words, but Olivia, you can help.
Olivia: I can believe it, I’m quite the delight.
Claude: The youth do like you. They find you refreshing.
Olivia: Most do.
Selina: No, we do not.
Olivia: Can it, Medusa!
Claude: This is a story that the press are picking up, they’re reporting on it and just making us look silly. You need to go to that college and set things right. Show them we’re not colonizing monsters, but people looking out for what’s right, trying to keep this country on track!
Christine: Oh, we’re screwed.
Eleanor: I sadly must concur.
Olivia: Mother!
Eleanor: Being your mother does not exempt me from accepting or acknowledging reality.
Claire: I believe in you, Olivia!
Selina: That’s one person…
Olivia: So when do I begin my journey to Belfast?
Claude: Your plane leaves tomorrow.
Olivia: I suppose Midge and I can work something up by then to try to say to the student union to change their mind.
Claude: I don’t know if Midge is the right choice, really. She’s.. abrasive. How about getting advice from Fred instead?
Selina: Oh my god… family’s gone mad!
Christine: Don’t drag the rest of us into this, my husband’s gone mad!
Olivia: I don’t think Fred would love that -
Selina: Makes two of us!
Olivia: but he’d do it for me. I’ll ask.
Claude: Olivia, I appreciate this greatly! I think this will help right the ship!
Olivia: I, uh… have doubts.
Christine: I finally agree with her on something!
Claude: You’ll do well, Olivia. You can be quite the diplomat when you put your mind to it.
The next day…
Fred: I must admit, dear, I’m doubtful that this is going to go well. The Irish and the youth aren’t exactly the two groups that love your family very much.
Olivia: That’s why they sent me! Everyone knows I’m something of a rebel, I march to the beat of my own drum. I’m the one best-positioned to show these college kids that we’re not so bad!
Fred: I admire your confidence.
Olivia: I’m not terribly confident myself. I just have to at least convince myself that this is a good idea that’s worth my time.
Gigi: Belfast is always a good time, I’m just glad to get to go back.
Todd: Why, is there a good pub there?
Gigi: In Ireland? You kidding?
Todd: I was being sarcastic.
Gigi: You can never tell with you, you’re genuinely quite dim.
Olivia: It’s nice to get away together. It’s not exactly a vacation, but it’s close enough, no?
Gigi: Todd’s here, so definitely not a vacation.
Meanwhile, at Buckingham Palace…
Claude: Madame Prime Minister, lovely to see you.
Meredith: Same to you, Your Majesty.
Claude: I always appreciate our weekly audience. Gives me a brief respite from the royal business, helps me connect to the public a bit.
Meredith: By privately speaking with me?
Claude: I like to think I influence the policies you enact, and that, of course, has an impact on the public.
Meredith: Speaking of the public, I’m sorry to hear the hassle these college kids are putting you through.
Claude: Oh, it’s nothing.
Meredith: It’s not nothing! They’re ungrateful! Wokeness is a disease!
Claude: I don’t think it has anything to do with “wokeness.” You used to oppose the monarchy, you were never exactly a raging leftist.
Meredith: I was brainwashed at university, the same thing’s happening now. I can now clearly see the error of my prior thinking, these others will come around eventually, too.
Claude: I do hope you’re right. We are sending Olivia there to speak with them.
Meredith: Olivia? The Princess Royal?
Claude: That’s her.
Meredith: Is that a good idea? You don’t want these brats verbally accosting her!
Claude: I don’t think they’re going to. But, even if they do, they’ve got a right to respectfully disagree. And if they take it further than that, Olivia will put them in their place.
Meredith: She’s done it to me, and I’m prime minister.
Claude: Exactly! I’m not worried.
Meredith: Still, I think people trying to cancel this great family are grossly misguided.
Claude: I agree. But the country has got bigger issues, can we focus on those?
Meredith: Of course!
Claude: I’m sorry to get short with you. I’ve just spent too much time thinking about this, and how other people feel about me isn’t really any of my business at the end of the day.
Meredith: I get it. I feel the same way when people ask me about fixing the NHS.
Claude: I think that’s your business, though?
Meredith: Don’t be silly, I have a healthy secretary for that!
Later, at Belfast College…
Olivia: Hello, youth of today.
Fred: Oh dear.
Olivia: I am Olivia, the Princess Royal. Just call me Olivia, I’m just one of the gals, no need to be formal.
Rachel (president of the student union): Olivia, I’ll stop you there. Your family’s not welcome here.
Declan (member of the student union): I think we made that perfectly clear, too.
Olivia: You did, yes. But I just, uh, the whole family feels, uh -
Rachel: You’re not going to change our minds.
Olivia: I’d never try to! I respect your views!
Rachel: And yet, you came here to bully us into, what, putting your portraits back up? Accepting your family’s role in making the world a worse place? I don’t think that would ever fly with any of us, regardless of how much you sweet-talk us.
Olivia: This isn’t going well.
Declan: We should throw you out!
Olivia: I haven’t even said anything!
Declan: Your family’s record speaks for itself!
Olivia: I didn’t do it! Everything you accuse me of, I haven’t done. I work for a living, I haven’t “colonized” anyone, it’s all in the past!
Declan: There are island nations still under y-
Olivia: What is it that you think I do? I’m the sister of the king. I have less authority than the butler!
Declan: We pay for you to have a butler? That’s ridiculous!
Olivia: I clearly can not have a peaceful conversation with you lot.
Aisling (member of the student union): Actually, I’d like to converse with you about it. I don’t think you’re so bad.
Declan: Oh, you wouldn’t!
Aisling: Look, I get that the family has a bad record, but the new king seems to be making proper strides towards justice. Prince Arthur has spoken about reforming the system. The Princess Royal has always been open-minded about change. I don’t think they’re so bad.
Olivia: Thank you! My god, I know we’re not perfect, but we’re not the devil! I don’t need you to hang our portraits back up, I don’t need you to like us. I just ask that you not judge us for who we are rather than for our actions.
The next day…
Claude: My darling sister the diplomat! How did it go?
Olivia: They didn’t love me, but they came around eventually. We had a productive conversation, they still don’t like us, but it is what it is.
Claude: So nothing changed?
Olivia: Not in the slightest! But I learned a lot!
Christine: Ah, great, we wasted all that money to send her up there to “learn” from some college kids!
Claude: It wasn’t a total waste. I got news that they’re going to keep the building named after our family, so that avoids a PR disaster. The portraits will stay down, but in all, the trip was more of a success than you expected.
Olivia: It’s very uncool of you to let me think my trip was a failure when you knew it produced some positive results!
Claude: I know, but I like to see you squirm.
What did you think of the season premiere of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
