Diane: Why are we in the south?
Sam: Oh my god, Diane. Don’t be a bigot.
Diane: I’m not a bigot! I just don’t like the south. It’s too hot and sticky and everyone is a Republican!
Sam: It’s North Carolina, not Arkansas, get real!
Garry: Besides, to paraphrase Michael Jordan, Republicans watch TV too.
Diane: Oh, god! Don’t defend them!
Leslie: You know, as a southerner myself, I’m going to choose to disregard this entire conversation and pretend it didn’t happen.
Sam: You’re from Oklahoma, that’s not the south!
Diane: Then why does she talk like that?
Sam: I don’t know, Diane.
Leslie: Because we’re the south!
Frances: Does it matter? Oh my god, you’re all so annoying.
Charlotte: I concur, and I think this city is very nice! So nice, they named it after me!
Diane: You haven’t seen any of it.
Charlotte: Neither have you, that hasn’t stopped you from complaining!
Sam: Wow, way to go Charlotte! Drag her!
Frances: I’m so tired, I just want to go to sleep.
Carly: Why are you guys always so tired after one little airplane ride? Is it a medical thing?
Nicolle: I think you’re just a bit too young to get it, dear.
Carly: You don’t have to talk to me like I’m a child.
Nicolle: Honey, you are a child compared to the rest of us.
Melanie: I get forgotten a bit too often for my liking.
Nicolle: I meant… uh… dang it, just let me call my wife and her friends old without feeling guilty about it!
Garry: She’s not that much younger than me!
Carly: I’m not?
Garry: I didn’t mean it in a negative way!
Sam: Good job, Garry. Keep it up
Melanie: On a serious note -
Carly: I was being completely serious!
Melanie: I think we’d better get to the hotel. Surely, the pilot is ready to park the plane in the hangar? I think that’s how it goes, anyway. I really don’t know the proper plane storage technique.
Frances: Yes, the faster we get to the hotel, the faster I get to sleep, and mama needs her rest.
Diane: Yeah, it’s been a long day.
Carly: At the risk of all of you accusing me of being an inexperienced child again, what is it that you all do that would tire you out? You ate some cookies four days ago!
Diane: We’re on the road, dear. We’re traveling, experiencing the different cities, we’re walking a lot. That takes a toll on a person.
Sam: My god, you just made us sound so old. Walking makes us exhausted! Lord!
Frances: I’m shocked you can say that word without bursting into flame.
Leslie: I think everyone here will be very happy to learn that we all have tomorrow off, which means we’re getting some much-needed rest.
Charlotte: But I couldn’t get the day off on Emmys day?
Leslie: I don’t make the schedule. Well, I do, but… yeah, I guess I lied. But I did’t know what day “Emmys day” was when I made it.
Sam: Not that it mattered…
Leslie: Don’t remind me!
Sam: You brought it up first!
Frances: Get me to my hotel NOW! I am exhausted!
Paul: I’ve called for our cars.
Frances: Can someone at least get me some earplugs and a sleep mask while I wait?
Melanie: I think I have a sleep mask in my purse, I always travel with one when I get on the plane.
Sam: You want us to sing you a lullaby or read you Goodnight Moon while we’re at it?
Frances: No thank you!
The next morning, at breakfast…
Charlotte: Again, I would just like to state my excitement at being in MY city.
Diane: We’re at a diner in a city named three hundred years ago. There’s nothing to be excited about, and it’s not named after you.
Nicolle: I mean, we did just have that conversation about how old everybody is, maybe she really is secretly three hundred.
Sam: You look great for your age, Charlotte!
Charlotte: Twenty-eight?
Sam: You look terrible for your age, Charlotte!
Leslie: Enough bickering, everyone. This is our day of R&R. We need to recuperate and rejuvenate ahead of tomorrow’s show.
Carly: Yes, you all need to be in prime working condition to eat some cake tomorrow!
Diane: Speaking of which, that cake on the counter looks delicious, would it be improper to eat some at breakfast?
Sam: This is why they say sugar is addictive. You never used to have such a sweet tooth before this show!
Diane: No, it was the ice cream I binged on after my husband drove off a bridge that gave me the sweet tooth, no need to blame Leslie.
Leslie: Thank you! I get blamed for enough around here.
Sam: Well, you are the producer.
Charlotte: Must you be this annoying this early in the day?
Sam: Absolutely, yes.
Charlotte: At least she’s honest about it.
Garry: You know what I t-
Paul: Glad I found you guys!
Garry: I always get cut off.
Sam: And I’m always glad for it.
Leslie: How did you find us here? Did you follow us?
Paul: That’s not important.
Sam: Seems important to me. You know, I’ve been stalked in the past.
Paul: You?
Sam: Yes! It was a major story in the tabloids for two or three days until that illiterate Lea Michele announced she was pregnant!
Paul: Oh, that’s right, I remember that now. You were an odd pick to stalk, if I’m being honest.
Frances: I think we could all stand to be a bit less honest with one another.
Diane: You said you had news? I’m enjoying my pancakes, this is the happiest I’m going to be all day, so if this is bad news, best to hit me with it now.
Garry: Did you hear Caitlin Clark can’t play in the all-star game with A’ja and Sabrina?
Diane: You’ve ruined my day!
Sam: Paul, the time for bad news has closed.
Paul: It’s not my fault Garry beat me to the punch.
Sam: Snooze, you lose!
Diane: I can’t believe Garry decided to ruin my day off when it was going so well!
Sam: We’re eating breakfast at a greasy diner in North Carolina that is almost certain to give me heartburn, it was already off to a pretty sketchy start.
Paul: I have to give my news regardless, it’s best you find out from me. Jacqueline is coming to visit the set during this week’s tapings.
Sam: Oh, hell no!
Leslie: As if it’s not enough dealing with you while I’m trying to produce my show, now I’ve got to deal with her, too?
Paul: I know, it is a massive bummer for all of us.
Diane: This is at the worst day of my life.
Sam: Worse than that day you found out that your husband was both dead and cheating on you?
Diane: At least I also found out his mistress went right off the bridge with him that day, this day has no upside.
Charlotte: How dare she ruin our visit to MY city in this way?
Frances: Is this going to mess with our plans to visit the Biltmore Estate?
Leslie: We weren’t going tomorrow anyway.
Frances: I don’t know how long she’ll be here, is she planning to mess up our entire week?
Paul: She’s not exactly known for being friendly and socializing, I expect she’s just here to oversee filming because, as I quote, “I do not trust your opinions one bit, you incompetent ninny.”
Leslie: Why do you have to come to work with us if she doesn’t trust your opinion anyway?
Paul: It was the easiest way for her to get me out of LA and out of the minds of the board. The exact strategy I used on her!
Sam: It worked out so well for you, I don’t see how it could fail for her!
Frances: So what is the plan for today, then? I know we’re supposed to relax, but we can’t just lounge around the hotel all day.
Charlotte: My city has much to offer. I assume so, at least, I’ve never been here before.
Diane: We can go to a museum!
Frances: Just what I want to do on vacation, learn!
Leslie: We’re not on vacation, Frances.
Frances: Yes we are!
Leslie: We’re on a national working tour.
Sam: We threw a fit to make that “working tour” another two months longer to give us more time to see the country.
Leslie: I did it so I had time to edit the show. You know, work!
Sam: Yeah, but that’s not why the rest of us did it!
Leslie: Okay, you guys are on vacation. Got it.
Sam: Thank you for admitting it!
Later that day…
Diane: It’s only 2 PM, are we going to another museum after this?
Sam: You didn’t want to cap off your day with a meal at the NASCAR Hall of Fame’s Pit Stop Cafe?
Diane: Uh, not really, no.
Garry: I’ve had worse pulled pork sandwiches.
Diane: We can go to the aviation museum!
Sam: They got a train museum too, just to complete the Planes, Trains and Automobiles grand slam?
Diane: Sadly, no.
Sam: What a terrible shame.
Paul: I’m going to run to the bathroom before we go, then. Drank too much soda!
Sam: Yeah, you drank a good tweety thirty bucks worth of soda.
Charlotte: We’re rich, why are you counting costs like a poor?
Frances: See, this is what people mean when they talk about celebrities being out of touch.
After Paul gets up, Sam sees a text from Jacqueline on his phone’s home screen. She picks up the phone and walks out of the sight of the others before reading the text.
Jacqueline (via text): Just wanted to check in regarding tomorrow’s visit. I am embarrassed to admit my assistant didn’t inform me of my lodging situation or the filming location before taking off for the day. Could you kindly forward me the location of your hotel and the filming studio for tomorrow? Thank you!
Sam: Oh, I’m gonna have fun with you!
The next day…
Leslie: Didn’t you say Jacqueline was coming? I’m not about to wait around all day for her. We have to get to filming!
Paul: She must be running late. I don’t think she’d mind if we started without her.
Frances: Yeah, she is famously easy-going.
Leslie: You’re all ready to go, let’s get started! Sam, Diane, to the stage!
Sam: Bake Your Heart Out is back, and we’ve hit up Charlotte, North Carolina!
Diane: Yes, four weeks into the competition, we’ve reached one of the greatest regions of our country - the south!
Sam: Bakers! Welcome to Charlotte, which was, to her surprise, not named after our own Charlotte Keen.
Diane: For this week’s specialty challenge, we want y’all - sorry, shouldn’t have said that - to put your own spin on a pie beloved here in North Carolina: Atlantic beach pie. This saltine-based lemon pie is a coastal favorite that seems simple enough, but y-
Jacqueline: What are you trying to pull over on me?
Leslie: Ah, great, she ruined our take.
Diane: We were kinda lifeless anyway, we could stand to punch things up a little bit.
Sam: I thought I was perfect.
Diane: When do you ever not?
Jacqueline: Paul, you sent me the wrong filming location, I showed up to some football stadium like some sort of psycho! I stayed at the wrong hotel, too! They had a room for me, booked by a “P. McVann,” but didn’t have any guests by any of your names. Since they’re all famous, and I was asking for their room numbers, they thought I was a stalker and called the cops on me!
Paul: I have nothing to do with any of that!
Jacqueline: Bullshit! Is that what you Americans say? Bullshit!
Paul: I am innocent. I never booked any hotel, I didn’t text you an address. Why did you not already know it?
Jacqueline: You read the text, you know why!
Paul: I never got a text!
Jacqueline: You know what? You’ve always hated me, I’m sure you were trying to make me look bad or just make me feel foolish, and I’m not going to just accept that. You’re done, Paul.
Paul: Excuse me?
Jacqueline: You’re fired, Paul.
Paul: What?
Jacqueline: You’ve disrespected me for the last time. The rest of you… can monitor yourselves. This was never an essential job.
Sam: I can’t say I disagree.
Diane: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but firing Paul is deeply unfair. You didn’t even give him the chance to explain himself!
Sam: I don’t know if there’s anything to explain, really.
Jacqueline: She gets it!
Diane: Sam!
Paul: It’s fine. Working for this company has been the honor of my life.
Jacqueline: That’s sad.
Paul: Can I check out tomorrow morning instead of immediately? I need to arrange a flight.
Jacqueline: No, I’m taking that room. The hotel you sent me to is an absolute run-down disaster.
Paul: I didn’t send you anywhere!
Jacqueline: It’s over, you can stop lying now.
Paul: Leslie, this show is the best thing I ever had a hand in. Thank you for this.
Leslie: Paul, it’s been wonderful.
Sam: It has not been, let’s be honest with ourselves.
Frances: It’s been adequate, Paul!
Sam: Better!
Later that day…
Sam: I have something to admit.
Frances: You don’t need to come out, we already know.
Sam: Oh my god, not that.
Nicolle: I would hope you didn’t feel the need to do that again.
Frances: I had a small hand in Paul getting fired.
Diane: I need a drink.
Waitress: Coming right up!
Diane: Thank you!
Sam: I pranked Jacqueline. I thought it would be funny, maybe help us avoid her visit. I didn’t expect him to get fired and I didn’t expect it to make her visit even more unpleasant than ever before.
Melanie: You thought she’d, what, laugh?
Sam: I… didn’t think it through. I just wanted to have fun! More importantly, I didn’t want to have to deal with Jacqueline.
Leslie: You know you have to fix this, right?
Sam: I don’t really want to.
Nicolle: Honey…
Sam: Oh, fine.
Garry: It’s fun watching Sam get in trouble!
Sam: If I’m getting in trouble anyway, I should at least kick you, too.
Garry: Please don’t!
The next day on the set…
Sam: All right, we all ready to eliminate Randall?
Diane: We don’t know that for sure, they all still have to make their soakers!
Sam: I don’t know what that is and I don’t care to know.
Charlotte: It can’t be any worse than the banana pudding. My goodness.
Jacqueline: Finally, you all arrive! I’ve been waiting!
Leslie: I think Sam has something to say to you.
Jacqueline: Make it quick.
Sam: I’d rather not.
Melanie: You have to.
Jacqueline: Do you let your intern boss you around all the time?
Melanie: I’m not an intern! I’m an assistant!
Jacqueline: Just as irrelevant.
Sam: Jacqueline, you have to re-hire Paul.
Jacqueline: Good one! I know how much you detest the man.
Sam: No, I’m being serious. He didn’t text you the wrong address on purpose.
Jacqueline: What, was he drunk? Another friable offense!
Sam: I texted it to you. I thought it would be a funny prank.
Jacqueline: Excuse me?
Diane: She has a sick, sick mind.
Jacqueline: I can tell.
Sam: So are you going to rehire him?
Jacqueline: To my grave disappointment, I think I have to. He did nothing wrong, and I don’t want to get sued.
Leslie: And what penalty will Sam be facing?
Sam: You didn’t have to bring that part up!
Jacqueline: She’s a celebrity. She’s not going to face and consequences.
Sam: Win-win for everybody, then!
Jacqueline: I’m going to have to watch you all extra close this week, though.
Sam: Lucky us!
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
