Olivia is watching television when there’s a knock at her door.
Fred: Olivia, you hear that?
Olivia: I do. I wish I didn’t. It’s late. I’m not answering.
Fred: Come on, security let them through, it’s no one dangerous.
Olivia: I don’t care about dangerous, it’s nearly bedtime!
Fred: It’s half past seven. You don’t go to bed until ten.
Olivia: I’m winding down. I’m preparing for my slumber.
Fred: Stop being so overdramatic! I’m answering the door!
Olivia: Do you want a divorce?
Fred: We both know you’re making an empty threat!
Olivia: I am, but I still don’t want a guest at this hour!
Fred: They’ll be in and out, I’m sure.
Olivia: If it’s Todd, he’ll be here all night and keep us up.
Fred: Not if you don’t let him! Now, I’m opening the door, sorry to say.
Fred opens the door.
Fred: Madam Prime Minister, what brings you here this hour?
Olivia: I’m not here!
Meredith: Fred! Your Royal Highness, the Princess Royal! So lovely to see you, and sorry to bother you!
Olivia: Again, I’m not here.
Meredith: Such a jokester!
Olivia: I am not joking! Not here! Do not address me!
Fred: I apologize for her behavior, she had a high-sugar dessert and it’s messing with her brain.
Olivia: Don’t speak on my behalf!
Fred: Just ignore her. And again, I ask, what brings you here?
Meredith: I need advice. Urgently.
Olivia: Go home, get some sleep, that’s my advice.
Meredith: So you are here!
Olivia: Dammit!
Fred: Please, come on in. What do you need advice on?
Meredith: The country is in a sort of state of disarray.
Olivia: And we’re all trying to find the person responsible!
Meredith: Most people seem to think it was me!
Olivia: With good reason.
Meredith: Seventy-two percent of voters want an election called, my party is at twenty-three percent in the polls.
Fred: Oh, it went up?
Meredith: Yes, we’re on an upswing!
Olivia: What are you asking us about, then?
Meredith: The last time I called an election, I was ousted. I was brought back on the promise that I wouldn’t call an election until I needed to - next year. By calling it now, I’d be betraying my party.
Olivia: By not doing so, you’re betraying the country. Country over party, you know this.
Meredith: It’s upsetting. I’m not ready to leave office.
Fred: You could still win! You’ve rallied before?
Meredith: Do you really believe that?
Fred: Not particularly, but I think it’s important to be polite.
Olivia: Lying isn’t polite.
Meredith: So you think we’re doomed? I shouldn’t call the election?
Fred: You have to call the election. The people are going to rise up and rebel if you don’t. There will be a revolution.
Olivia: And I’ll join it!
Meredith: I’m just not ready to leave office. I have so many plans -
Olivia: None of which will work.
Meredith: and things I want to accomplish.
Olivia: Why start now?
Fred: Olivia!
Olivia: What? Is the truth offensive now?
Fred: She’s having a tough time, we should be kind.
Olivia: I’m trying to show the ire people in this country have for the government. Look, Seventy-whatever percent of Britons want an election. I’m one of them, and I can’t even vote! I’ve never had an interest before, but now, I’m so fed up, I’m considering asking Claude if he’ll allow me to vote for Labour just this once!
Meredith: Strong words…
Olivia: Strong words are needed in the times of strong incompetence.
Meredith: So you both think the best option is to call an election? Even if it causes the voters to oust my party and myself from power?
Olivia: Meredith, I think the only way to prevent Andrea Raydon from becoming Prime Minster within the next year is for her to cease to have a pulse. Your political career is done, whether you accept it or not. Best to rip the bandage off now, no?
Meredith: I suppose.
Olivia: So what time are you announcing? I want to watch this live!
Fred: Must you say it with such glee?
Olivia: Our country may finally be about to have competence in office again, I’ve got an obligation to feel glee.
Meredith: I think I’ve taken up too much of your time. I’ll be going now. I’ll see you all later.
Olivia: My goodness, I’m too excited about this to go to bed now! I told you this would disturb my rest! Maybe I ought to drink some celebratory wine!
Fred: It was nice to see you, madam prime minister.
Meredith departs.
Fred: Was that necessary?
Olivia: What?
Fred: The gloating? Rubbing it in? She’s having a hard enough time, no need to make it worse.
Olivia: I’m having a great time!
Fred: No need to let it show in such an obnoxious fashion.
Olivia: I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Fred: You’re not acting like you even have a heart! Olivia, for all the objections you have to her, Meredith Trayman is a real person - a real person we happen to know quite well. I don’t think it’s that difficult to ask you to show her a bit of compassion.
Olivia: I’m not fake.
Fred: It might help to, in certain instances, be a bit fake.
Olivia: I can’t think of a single instance in which that is true!
Fred: Now you’re just being difficult.
Olivia: Would I be Olivia if I weren’t being difficult?
Fred: I’m starting to understand why your family gets so -
Olivia: Don’t even! You’re dredging up the family card in defense of Meredith Trayman? That’s low!
Fred: I simply do not understand the reasoning behind reveling in this woman’s misery. Is she a good prime minister? Of course not. But she’s the mother of your son’s girlfriend, and despite your best effort, she spends a lot of time with our family. You understand what it’s like to be the subject of public humiliation and scrutiny, why must you join in?
Olivia: Do you want me to call her up and tell her not to call the election? You want more of this?
Fred: Of course not! Just try not to laugh and point at her when she’s clearly heartbroken. Be human!
Olivia: That’s not easy for me!
Fred: Trust me, I’m aware! Just give it your best effort!
Olivia: I make no promises.
Fred: I appreciate that you’re even going to try.
Olivia: Should I phone her up and tell her not to stand for election in her seat again? Or is it too late to declare retirement?
Fred: Olivia!
Olivia: Sorry, sorry, got swept up in the moment. Lots of thoughts in my head, you know.
Fred: And all of them are negative?
Olivia: What is negative to you is incredibly positive to me.
Fred: Are you going to be able to sleep tonight?
Olivia: I’m gonna have to take my pill, I feel like I’m dancing on air.
Fred: I never did understand your hatred for Meredith Trayman. It feels so personal, it’s not as if she’s our first bad prime minister.
Olivia: She’s the dumbest!
Fred: She’s not that… no, I’m not a liar. She’s dim.
The next day, at Buckingham Palace…
Christine: You have a visitor, dear.
Arthur: We always get interrupted when we have our father-son talks!
Claude: This won’t be long, I’m sure.
Christine: Eh…
Claude: What is it?
Christine: A certain prime minister is here to see you.
Claude: The prime minister? Our audience isn’t for three days!
Christine: I suppose there’s some sort of emergency. I don’t know, I wasn’t about to ask. She’s waiting for you in the hallway.
Claude: Let her in. Arthur, if you want to come back some other time -
Arthur: It’s fine. I had nothing important to discuss, I was just enjoying the quality time.
Christine: Don’t you have official duties to tend to?
Arthur: Don’t you?
Christine: Good point! I’ll get the prime minister.
Arthur: I’m off, then.
Claude: It was nice to see you, even if it was short! Give my regards to Claire and the kids.
Arthur: Will do!
Christine walks into the hallway to find Meredith.
Eleanor: Christine! You didn’t mention we were getting a guest! The prime minister and I were just catching up!
Christine: I didn’t realize we were getting a guest, if I’m being honest.
Meredith: I apologize for the unannounced visit, an emergency came up that requires His Majesty’s advice.
Eleanor: I’m more than willing to advise you, they don’t allow me to do much of anything around here these days.
Christine: She talks as if we have her in a prison.
Eleanor: You do!
Christine: She still goes out and enjoys her day whenever she feels like it, she has it pretty good.
Eleanor: I just miss my old life, can you put in a good word for me with Claude?
Meredith: Good word?
Eleanor: Tell him to free me! I’m not some frail old woman, I should still be out and about doing my royal duties.
Christine: Madam prime minister, the King is ready for you. Ignore the former Queen.
Eleanor: Once a queen, always a queen!
Christine: Look at me. I’m the Queen now.
Meredith: I’m gonna go in now, if that’s all right.
Christine: Of course it is! We do this all the time!
Eleanor: She loves to spar with me, it’s what she spends the majority of her day doing.
In the sitting room…
Claude: Madam Prime Minister, what a surprise to see you today!
Meredith: Your Majesty, I apologize for the surprise visit. I did call ahead to make sure you weren’t busy, I’m not sure if anyone ran that message to you.
Claude: They did not, but we have some organizational issues here, so things like that fall through the cracks.
Meredith: Yeah, there have been an unusual amount of leaks lately, what’s going on with that?
Claude: Some of us just have big mouths. Olivia…
Meredith: She makes herself heard, that’s for sure.
Claude: Enough about her, though. What brings you here?
Meredith: Your Majesty, it has been my honor to serve.
Claude: Oh my god, is this what I think it is? Did I miss a confidence vote?
Meredith: No, it’s not that. The end result will be the same, though. I am requesting the dissolution of Parliament so that a general election can be held.
Claude: I’m getting deja vu, did this not happen last year?
Meredith: The party’s on board with it now. In fact, I’m the one that needed to be convinced. I know there are protests in the streets demanding an election, and I tried to resist those, but it’s clearly the will of the people. We attempted to hold out in order to see our support and my approval ratings rise, but that’s not exactly happening, and they just kept on sinking. Now, they’re on an incredibly gradual rise, and this seems like the time to move forward with it.
Claude: You’re sure? It can’t be undone, not again.
Meredith: I’m well aware. I passed the law to ensure that the prime minister can't call off an election, because of what that awful SuAnna Brackerton did when she replaced me for those few short weeks.
Claude: Meredith, I respect your decision to do right by the people’s will, even when it won’t have any sort of positive outcome for you.
Meredith: History won’t remember me fondly. The victors get to write the history books, and I am not the victor here. In my heart, though, I know I did right by this nation. In my heart, I know I tried my very best.
Claude: It’s all I can ever ask of a prime minister. You may not always do the right thing, but you tried. I have enjoyed our working relationship, I wish you the best of luck, and your request is granted. Thank you for your years of service. We will continue our weekly meetings until the election is held.
Meredith: I appreciate your understanding, and your years of kindness.
Claude: It’s certainly more than you can say for my sister, eh?
Meredith: What, did she say something about me?
Claude: Oh, no, never!
Meanwhile, at Olivia’s…
Olivia: How you two heard the beautiful news?
Gigi: You know I didn’t hear any news, I came here specifically because you told me you had “incredible” news to share that must be heard in person.
Todd: I’ve got a feeling I know what you’re referring to!
Gigi: How does he find out before me? This isn’t right!
Olivia: My darling children, the sun is a bit brighter today. The sky is bluer. Life is better. Incompetent nightmare Meredith Trayman -
Todd: The mother of the woman I love.
Gigi: Gross.
Olivia: is finally calling an election! We’re getting a new prime minister!
Todd: See, I did know!
Gigi: How?
Todd: Again, she is the mother of -
Gigi: Oh, right. How come you didn’t tell me?
Todd: Norah and I just found out this morning!
Olivia: So I’m the first in the family to know. I like that.
Gigi: How did you find out?
Olivia: She came here last night to ask me, of all people, if she should step down. I’ve always told you both she’s a dimwit, and no one’s ever believed me! This proves it!
Gigi: I have always very much believed me. Most people in the country have.
Todd: No comment.
Olivia: Do you not both feel like a giant weight’s been taken off your shoulders?
Todd: Again, no comment.
Olivia: You’re no fun!
Gigi: I almost feel like you’re going to feel lost without her.
Olivia: I can assure you, I will not. I feel whole again. My life is immediately better without her in it.
Gigi: You’re losing your nemesis! Who will you hate now?
Todd: Yes, you do love to hate.
Olivia: I will always be able to find someone to hate.
Todd: Another fair point.
Fred: And besides, she could always win the election!
Olivia: Good one!
The next day, Meredith holds a press conference.
Meredith: Ladies and gentlemen, my dear fellow Britons, I thank you for your attention today. Today’s speech is one that’s been a long time coming. For nearly three years, it’s been the honor of my life to serve as your prime minister, but I have never faced the electorate. My party won a majority just a year before I took office, and it never felt appropriate to force another rigorous election cycle upon us so soon. My attempt at organizing an election for us last year proved to be in vain, and turbulence over that attempt to give you all a chance to make your voices heard caused that election to be canceled. I know this cause great disappointment and anger among many, including myself. I’ve spent the better part of my second stint as prime minister too focused on solving the many complex issues of our government to worry about an election. However, it is time. On Thursday, the fourth of September, Britain will head to the polls at long last to elect its members of parliament. I do not know how that election will play out, but I know that this is what is right for our country. Everyone deserves a voice. I intend to spend the next month fighting for your vote. May god bless Britain, and may god save the King.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
