Sam: Pick it up, Puss in Boots!
Diane: I hate when you call me that!
Sam: Shoulder’t have broken your foot then!
Diane: I’ll try harder not to next time.
Charlotte: Good, you cost me my beauty sleep last time!
Leslie: Charlotte, you’d been sleeping for nine hours!
Charlotte: It takes a proper ten to look this beautiful!
Sam: There are cats that sleep less in a day than you.
Charlotte: This is why I’ve got the Oscar and you never will!
Frances: How many times are we going to have to hear about that stupid thing? I’ve got a James Beard Award and a Michelin star, you don’t hear me talking about it twelve times an hour.
Diane: Hey, at least she’s not talking about the Emmy.
Sam: Well, she’s about to now!
Charlotte: I will win that Emmy, and you’ll all be there in the audience, so you can eat crow as I triumph over my doubters.
Paul: Ladies, that’s fantastic, but we really do need to pick up the pace to get to the plane. It was supposed to take off ten minutes ago and we’re not even in the car on the way to the airport yet.
Leslie: I think when we heard it was a private plane with no firm departure time, we took that to mean we could just leave whenever. Clearly, we’re pushing that to the limits of acceptability.
Paul: Yeah, you guys seem to be actively trying to stall.
Frances: I don’t know why we have to fly to New York, anyway. I like a nice drive!
Leslie: We’re not going over this again.
Sam: You all better get moving, because the faster we get to the airport, the faster we leave, and the faster we leave, the faster we get there, and the faster we get there, the faster I’m reunited with my wife.
Diane: Yes, we get it, you have a spouse waiting for you. Not all of us have that.
Carly: If you’re Garry, you’re lucky enough to have your spouse join you for the ride!
Sam slaps Garry.
Garry: What was that for?
Sam: Your face just makes me mad.
Diane: I think it’s called “jealousy.”
Sam: As if I’d ever be jealous of that creature.
Paul: All right, we have a whole plane ride to bicker during, let’s get out of here.
Frances: I prefer bickering in the lobby in the view of strangers, it really ups the chances we end up on TMZ looking like angry fools who assault one another. That’s the American dream, isn’t it?
Charlotte: Good point, Frances. Ending up in the tabloids for acting foolish would be detrimental to my Emmy campaign. I’ll have to distance myself if you can’t get in line.
Frances: Here we go again with the Emmys…
Sam: Let her talk about the Emmys. She’s not a film star anymore, it’s not like she can realistically dream for another Oscar.
Charlotte: I could kill you!
Leslie: Everyone, shut up, get to your cars, we’re leaving! Now!
Paul: Finally, someone lays down the law.
Leslie: Don’t start on me, Paul!
Three hours later…
Leslie: New York at last! Isn’t it great?
Frances: We haven’t gotten off the plane yet, but I am familiar with the concept of New York. So… no.
Garry: Come on, there’s so much to do! We have fun here!
Frances: Every time I’ve been here lately, it’s because we were coming to the Upfronts, and I hate the Upfronts. That ruined New York for me.
Leslie: Well, this time, we’re filming our show and celebrating the city’s cuisine. So a lot more for you to enjoy this go-around.
Frances: You think having to spend even more time with you guys gives me “a lot more to enjoy?” I don’t think so…
Sam: When can we get off this damn plane? My wife is out there waiting for me and I can’t wait to see her!
Carly: You should ask her to join us on our trip! It’s a lot of fun, from my perspective. No work, all play, it’s great. Who else gets a free vacation?
Paul: We don’t need to describe it that way, there is a chance Jacqueline put a listening device on here and she wouldn’t take too kindly to having the wife of one of her underlings believe this is merely a “vacation.” This is work.
Carly: For me it’s vacation.
Paul: No, you are here in an official capacity as emotional support for Garry. That’s the only way you were allowed to travel with us at no cost.
Sam: Unlike you, Carly, my wife has a job. So she can’t just jet cross-country with us for three months, as fun as that would be.
Diane: Plus, me and Sam share a room! We couldn’t do that if Nicolle were staying with us!
Sam: Yeah, what a loss that would be.
Carly: I really think you ought to work harder to spend more time together. Life is short.
Sam: Look, you married someone twenty years older than you, you would want to spend as much time with him, you know you’ll have to spend the last three decodes or so of your life without him. Gotta get the time in while you still can. I’m not like that. Nicolle and I, we’re the same age, we’ve been married decades. We have a situation that works for our careers.
Carly: Careers aren’t more important than spending time with the ones you love.
Sam: I don’t meddle in your marriage, don’t meddle in mine.
Carly: You sort of do meddle in mine, half the time, he comes home crying about something you said to him. That’s a real mood-killer.
Sam: Being married to Garry should be the real mood-killer.
Paul: Oh look, they’re letting us disembark.
Sam: At last!
Leslie: Remember, we have a show tomorrow, no one go out and party too hard! I know it’s tempting, it’s the city that never sleeps, but we have business to tend to.
Diane: Look at my foot, I don’t think I could party even if I wanted to.
Leslie: l’ve seen people in worse shape party. If you want to party at the club, you’ll party at the club.
Sam: She’s a seventy year-old grandmother who falls asleep during Wheel of Fortune, I don’t think you need to worry about anything.
Charlotte: And I have to keep up my image for -
Frances: Don’t even say it.
Charlotte: I’ll stop there, I don’t want to get in trouble!
Fifteen minutes later…
Sam: It took far too long for them to get us our luggage. Do they not realize we’re stars?
Diane: I think your complaining made them take even longer.
Sam: You think I should’ve just stood here and let them screw around without taking action? That is not how I operate.
Frances: You operate like a basketball coach whose team just got screwed out of a win by the refs. Just screaming and throwing things like a banshee.
Sam: It gets results.
Frances: It gets your luggage tossed across the runway and run over by a few planes.
Sam: I’m a beloved celebrity, they’d never do that to me.
Leslie: Anyway, don’t you have a wife to get to?
Sam: Oh my god, I forgot!
Garry: I would never forget you, darling.
Carly: I would never let you.
Frances: And, let’s be honest, you sorta won the lottery with her. I mean, younger than you, beautiful, and independently wealthy, so she’s not just a gold digger. How’d you do it?
Garry: My wonderful, charming personality.
Frances: No, really.
Carly: He’s got a big -
Sam: Nope, don’t need to hear it.
Carly: heart.
Sam: Oh, thank god. I mean, that’s a lie, but it doesn’t make my skin crawl.
Paul: Sam, your luggage.
Sam: All right, I’m outta here. See you guys tomorrow!
Melanie: You’re not staying at the hotel with us?
Diane: No, she’s staying at Nicolle’s apartment.
Sam: It’s both of our apartment. It’s home away from home.
Diane: It’s tiny. I stayed over in April and I had to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor.
Frances: They don’t have a couch?
Diane: Sam pissed Nicolle off, that’s where she was sleeping that weekend.
Sam: Ah, we have fun.
Diane: My back still hasn’t recovered.
Sam: You could’ve gone to a hotel!
Diane: You wouldn’t let me!
Melanie: Does this mean someone else is bunking with Diane?
Diane: Nope, I’m on my own. I’m a big girl now!
Frances: Even with that foot?
Diane: It’s a foot boot, not a full-body cast.
Later that day…
Sam: I’m home!
Nicolle: Oh my god, finally! I was beginning to wonder if the plane crashed!
Sam: No, we didn’t let Harrison Ford drive it
Nicolle: Oh, don’t drag him, he’s a good friend.
Sam: If he was that good of a friend, he’d have gotten me a role in Shrinking.
Nicolle: He’s not the casting director, you know that.
Sam: Speaking of things I know, I know this apartment looks a bit bare. What’s going on here?
Nicolle: Sit down, relax, I have news.
Sam: I’m scared. Did we go bankrupt and you had to sell things off to pay the rent?
Nicolle: No, not at all. It’s good news!
Sam: Finally! Doesn’t seem like we ever get any of that!
Nicolle: I’m sorry for making this decision without you, by the way. I just didn’t want to be influenced.
Sam: Are we moving to a bigger apartment? A penthouse maybe? Yes!
Nicolle: Not quite. Sam, I have had an incredible career. Decades on the beat, reporting the hottest scoops in the best city in the world. But I am tired. I’m beat. I need a break. And so, last month, I told my bosses at the paper that I am retiring and will transition to freelance writing in my spare time. I’m free. We can finally spend our days together. I want to join in on your cross-country trip, I want to be part of the gang.
Sam: This is amazing! I never thought I’d see the day Nicolle Schrier stepped away from journalism!
Nicolle: It’s not necessarily stepping away. It’s stepping aside. If I get the inspiration, I’ll write something and shop it around. I’ll be very in-demand, I have the respect of the industry. And hey maybe once we get back to LA full-time, and I’ve had time to relax and feel renewed, I can get a job with a paper out there. They’ve got a lot of great ones.
Sam: I’m just so happy for you. For us. I will miss New York, though.
Nicolle: You will?
Sam: Not necessarily. I guess I’m just fond of the memories we made here. I also have a bit of disdain for it, it is the city that kept you away from me.
Nicolle: Not anymore!
Sam: When is your last day?
Nicolle: Friday. I’ve been writing my farewell article for weeks. No one other than my boss and editor know that I’m leaving, and that’s the way I like it. I don’t want a big to-do.
Sam: Can I tell my lunatic friends?
Nicolle: If you must.
Sam: I’ll make them promise to keep their mouths shut.
Nicolle: I’d appreciate that.
The next day…
Sam: I have news to share!
Leslie: You’re late!
Paul: This is why we always keep you at the same hotel…
Sam: Oh, come on, we filmed in LA for years and drove in from our houses, don’t act like you need to hold us captive to make sure we won’t keep you waiting.
Paul: Then don’t show up twenty minutes late for work!
Sam: Are you giving me lip, Paul?
Paul: I have to report this all to Jacqueline, do you know how unbearable that is?
Sam: Everything about her’s unbearable!
Diane: Okay, what’s the news?
Leslie: We don’t have time for that! She needs to go get her hair and makeup done and get into a change of clothes. No time for yapping! Move it, y’all!
Sam: I’ll tell you later.
Frances: I hate a cliffhanger.
Thirty minutes later…
Diane: Welcome to another week of Bake Your Heart Out!
Sam: Last week, we shipped up to Boston, and traditional New England-style whoopie pies proved too much for Lester to bear, while Philip rose to the top.
Diane: This week, we make our way to New York, fuhgeddaboudit!
Sam: Diane, you’re from California.
Diane: So what, I can’t get in the spirit of NYC?
Sam: No.
Diane: Ah, well. Bakers, are we ready to bake our hearts out?
Sam: Don’t make them do this. They’re not preschoolers.
Diane: Man, you’re cranky today!
Sam: We’re in New York, it fits the culture!
Diane: That’s a good point!
Sam: On with the show! This week, for your Specialty Challenge, you are baking the most legendary New York dessert: the New York cheesecake.
Diane: Ah, my favorite!
Sam: We’re asking you to put your own spin on this classic, adding in ingredients that remind you of your childhood to elevate the dish beyond the standard recipe.
Diane: Good luck, and bake your hearts out!
Leslie: Cut! Excellent! Bakers, get to work. That’s a wrap on Sam and Diane for right now.
Diane: Okay, what’s the big news?
Frances: God, I hope this doesn’t take too long, I sure want some of those black-and-white cookies.
Garry: I’m just mad we have to wait until tomorrow for the cronuts.
Frances: We can get one after the show if you want it bad enough.
Sam: Hello? My news?
Garry: Sorry, we’re just hungry.
Sam: I should hit you.
Paul: Please don’t. At least, not in my sight.
Sam: I know, you won’t want to have to report it.
Charlotte: So the news is…?
Leslie: Yeah, we don’t have all day here.
Frances: We sort of do, it’s two hours until we need to judge.
Leslie: They actually have things to film, though
Diane: Yeah, we don’t coast through filming for the first few hours like you judges.
Sam: Anyway, I have great news! Nicolle is retiring!
Diane: God, she’s old enough to do that?
Sam: We’re not young, Diane.
Charlotte: Yes, not everyone is lucky enough to possess my youth. No one in this room.
Leslie slaps Charlotte.
Charlotte: Hey! Paul, you see that?
Paul: Nope.
Diane: So, what spurred this retirement?
Sam: She wants to spend more time with me, and she’s tired. Journalism’s pretty exhausting.
Leslie: I used to be a producer of a local news show. It wears you down. Not for the faint of heart.
Diane: So what’s she going to while we’re filming?
Sam: She’s coming along for the ride!
Paul: I’m gonna have to make arrangements with Jacqueline for that. Not gonna be easy.
Sam: You’ll figure it out.
Paul: I suppose.
Leslie: Okay, that’s wonderful news. Maybe go talk to the contestants now. We need footage for the show! We can discuss this later.
Sam: What a buzzkill.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
