Betty is at the boutique and gets a phone call from her sister, Jeanette.
Betty: Mitchell, I need to take this. You can handle the register, right?
Jerry: That would be a new development for him if he could.
Betty: Yeah, you’re right. You do it.
Jerry: Gladly.
Mitchell: Hey! I’m not some simpleton.
Jerry: Just stop while you’re ahead. You got out of work, that’s a dream to you.
Mitchell: Oh, you’re right. Simpleton right here! No register for him!
Jerry: Mitchell, a customer’s behind you…
Mitchell: Sorry, ma’am, just joking around!
Customer: Are you Mitchell from Survivor?
Mitchell: I sure am! You want a picture?
Customer: You drive me crazy on there!
Jerry: He does in real life, too, ma’am.
Betty walks into the break room as she answers the call.
Betty: What’s up? You finally home from your trip across Asia? How was it?
Jeanette: It’s a beautiful continent. Such a shame that Rick got food poisoning there, but that was his won fault.
Betty: How so?
Jeanette: We bought food on the street, it was delicious but just so filling, we wrapped it up and saved it for later. It was hot out, and it was in a backpack for four hours.
Betty: He did not!
Jeanette: He did. He ate it. Said he was just so hungry and he couldn’t wait any longer to eat.
Betty: That was dumb.
Jeanette: He knows that now. So, how are you?
Betty: Oh, it’s been a time.
Jeanette: I hear the pain in your voice. What’s wrong?
Betty: Oh, nothing’s wrong. My grandson got married.
Jeanette: I always knew Zeke would get things back on track!
Betty: Oh, uh, no.
Jeanette: You don’t have another grandson.
Betty: My, uh… great-grandson.
Jeanette: Huh? He’s a kid!
Betty: Seventeen.
Jeanette: God, it’s been that long since I’ve seen you guys? He was talking about trains and dinosaurs when I saw him last!
Betty: It wasn’t quite that long ago. Four years or so.
Jeanette: That’s a while. I can’t believe he’s married! How did that happen?
Betty: I’m gonna walk you through this slowly. The year was 1989.
Jeanette: He got his girlfriend pregnant.
Betty: I was planning on crafting a story of the tapestry that is my family’s life. But, yes, lightning struck a third time.
Jeanette: You’re going to be a great-great grandmother.
Betty: And you’re going to be a great-great aunt.
Jeanette: You bitch!
Betty: Aunt Katarina’s going to be a great-great-great aunt.
Jeanette: We’re not telling her, it would kill her.
Betty: Yeah, you’re right.
Jeanette: Anything else going on?
Betty: Nah, the teen marriage and pregnancy double whammy’s been enough. Did I tell you Mitchell was on Survivor?
Jeanette: Mitchell? And he’s still alive?
Betty: We’re all shocked. You can watch him make a fool of himself Wednesdays on CBS. Season started three weeks ago, you’ve missed very little. Well, I think, anyway. We’re behind, it’s Steven’s fault.
Jeanette: You sound like you guys could use a good, relaxing trip.
Betty: What do you have in mind? A trip to see you guys in Florida?
Jeanette: Why would I do that to you? I said a GOOD trip.
Betty: I didn’t want to insult your chosen home.
Jeanette: Insult it all you want, it’s hell on earth. No, I was thinking a nice cruise through the Caribbean.
Betty: A cruise? I’ve always been scared of boats.
Jeanette: There’s nothing to be scared of! It’s a great time, the ships are safe -
Betty: The ocean, though. Why’s it so big and wide and never-ending.
Jeanette: That’s like a thought you hear when someone’s high.
Betty: You have experience with being high?
Jeanette: I plead the fifth.
Betty: So when’s this cruise?
Jeanette: Ah, two weeks.
Betty: Two weeks? That’s not exactly advanced notice.
Jeanette: This is how we get cheap travel. They give you better deals when you wait, because they’re desperate to sell the rooms they still have left.
Betty: Do they have enough rooms for all of us?
Jeanette: Oh, yeah! But don’t wait too long, they’ll go quick.
Betty: I can’t wait too long, it leaves in two weeks!
Jeanette: That’s the spirit! Well, I’ll let you go, and give you time to think about it.
Betty: Yeah. I’m at my store now, I’ll ask everyone when I get home.
Jeanette: Sounds good to me! Talk soon!
Betty: Talk soon!
Later that night…
Betty: Beloved family! I have something to discuss!
Teri: As long as no one’s pregnant, I welcome this discussion.
Steven: Hey!
Teri: Kids, I love ya, but what a mess.
Danielle: You two make me happy menopause has begun for me.
Teri: Wow! Never thought anything would make her say that! What you two have accomplished is nothing short of a miracle.
Betty: It’s not about pregnancy! Though, Teri, if you could get to w-
Teri: No!
Betty: Worth a try. Are we all here?
Teri: Yep.
Tammi: Frank’s not here.
Teri: Everyone worth waiting for is!
Betty: Okay, so
Frank: Don’t worry, I’m here.
Betty: Oh, I wasn’t worried. So, Jeanette called me today with an invite for us to join her on her next vacation.
Velma: Where are we going? Aruba? Jamaica? Ooh, I wanna take ya.
Betty: Um…I’m sure this will take us somewhere around there, because she wants us to go on a Caribbean cruise with her soon!
Velma: I always wanted to go on a cruise!
Ralph: I don’t do boats.
Betty: Come on!
Ralph: Don’t like boats, never will.
Karl: I like boats.
Steven: I love a good boat!
Betty: That’s the spirit!
Jerry: When is this cruise?
Betty: Uh, two weeks from now.
Jerry: We’re just finding out now?
Betty: Jeanette just found out about it now, she found it on a site for discounted vacations. It’s how she books all her vacations.
Teri: So we’re going on a Groupon cruise ship? Yeah, we’re all gonna die.
Betty: We’re not going to die!
Ralph: Statistically speaking, the odds of death are higher on the boat than on land.
Teri: I mean, we’ve all seen Titanic.
Steven: Alysa would make room for me on the door. Right?
Alysa: Oh, of course! Yep, wouldn’t let you sink. Never!
Teri: Yeah, we’re all gonna die.
Betty: We are not!
Karl: The more she says it, the more I think we’re gonna die.
Betty: It’s a reputable cruise company, it’s just a cruise that didn’t fill up and they need to sell them fast.
Teri: Okay. Sure. We won’t die.
Betty: We won’t!
Tammi: Well, I was wondering where I could send my teenage son off on his honeymoon, so there’s that problem solved. Of course, we will need to get the school’s permission for an excused absence.
Betty: They’re very understanding, I’m sure they won’t mind.
Velma: I’d hope you decide against telling them it’s a honeymoon.
Tammi: I think they might be able to figure it out.
Steven: Yeah, Alysa’s been wearing her ring. The gym teacher made her take it off during basketball.
Danielle: They still make you play that when you’re pregnant?
Tammi: Babysteps, Danielle. First, we ease them into to teen marriage, then we drop the pregnancy bomb.
Alysa: I don’t think it’s so bad.
Tammi: You keep telling yourself that. You’ll discover the wrath of your fellow teenage girl soon enough.
Mitchell: Can someone pregnant go on a cruise?
Velma: Why, what’s the worst that could happen? The ship rocks too much and she throws up? She’s gotta be used to that by now anyway.
Alysa: It’s not really something you get used to.
Betty: So, never got an answer, we are in, right?
Cindy: We have to be, I think. You won’t let this go if you don’t get to go. A family trip to the Caribbean with aunt Jeanette? That’s the dream for you!
Betty: You act like I’m some obsessive nut.
Cindy: Yes.
Betty: I want to know if you all want to go.
Teri: I think it sounds fun. Why not?
Betty: There we go! Anyone not on board?
Alysa: Is this really going to be our honeymoon?
Steven: We’re seventeen years old, and you’re pregnant. I think getting a honeymoon at all is a win for us, even if my entire family is there.
Alysa: My mom’s not going to be happy about this.
Betty: She’ll be no more unhappy about this than she is about anything else.
Alysa: That is a good point.
Betty: So no objections? We’re going?
Mitchell: I just hope I don’t keep getting stopped by the other guests because I’m a celebrity now.
Velma: Oh, please. You’re one of eighteen people in a TV game show made for moms. You’re not exactly Tom Cruise.
Danielle: Yeah, Mitchell’s not a Scientologist, best thing about him.
Mitchell: Thank you!
Teri: Was that a compliment?
Ralph: I do not like boats, I don’t do ships, but I’ll grin and bear it for the sake of the family!
Betty: It’s on! Bellwood family cruise! I’m calling Jeanette before any of you change your minds!
Teri: I appreciate that she knows how iffy a lot of us were on it, so she’s rushing to book this trip so we can’t back out.
Cindy: A shrewd businesswoman who knows her audience.
Two weeks later…
Tammi: You know what? This is a nice ship.
Velma: The tickets were an absolute steal! Jeanette, I’ve never liked you more!
Ralph: is there a reason there’s a water slide that hangs over the edge of the boat?
Alysa: I’m not going on that.
Teri: I’m not pregnant and I wouldn’t go on that. What a death trap.
Betty: I think they’re pretty secure, the slide’s not going to bust open while you’re in it and drop you into the ocean.
Teri: Well, we don’t need to take chances.
Jeanette: Trust me, this ship is just as safe as being on land. We’ve traveled with this company so many times, we practically live on these boats.
Rick: Yeah, even I’ve gone on that slide. Once you come to realize it’s no different than a waterslide on land, it’s really fun.
Teri: Fun?
Rick: Yeah! Slides are fun!
Teri: But if I look to my side during the sliding, I will feel like I’m about to drop out into the ocean and to my death.
Betty: Everyone’s too worried about something happening on this cruise. It’ll all be fine! Just relax and have fun, relaxation is the whole point of a cruise.
Mitchell: I’m here to mini golf.
Danielle: And I’m taking a yoga class tomorrow!
Cindy: And we’re all going to that live show at the theater tonight.
Teri: Was that Frank’s idea? Feels like a Frank idea.
Frank: How do I always get blamed?
Jeanette: The world is your oyster, gang. None of us even have to see each other all week, this ship is your playground. The only time Rick and I ever see each other when we’re in our room at night or when the boat docks at one of our ports.
Rick: And even then, w’ere either sleeping or sightseeing! No time for chitchat!
Velma: You two have a perfect marriage. This is going to be a perfect vacation.
Steven: Well, Alysa and I plan to spend every second of this trip together.
Jeanette: I’d hope so, I heard this is your honeymoon!
Alysa: Yeah, and, we love you all very much…
Tammi: You don’t want to see us this week.
Alysa: Not at all.
Steven: We hope you can understand.
Frank: This is the last chance you kids are gonna have at a week by yourselves for, what, the next eighteen years?
Tammi: Longer if they have other kids!
Frank: Have fun!
Teri: That was pure evil.
Tammi: I know.
Betty: I’ll let them have their honeymoon. The rest of us need to check in with one another, we need to have a family vacation. We can all, do our separate activities, but we can at least dine together. Sound good?
Jeanette: Sounds great to me. It’ll be a good way to reconnect.
Cindy: If you all will excuse me, I have to go get some more fruit from the buffet line.
Jerry: And I have a surfing class in a half-hour. Gotta go!
Betty: Aww, I’m glad you’ve all already got plans in place.
Jeanette: We’ll see them all later, too.
Cindy: Yeah, like I said, we’re going to the theater show tonight.
Teri: I’m tired from that flight, I’m gonna go take a nap.
Karl: Don’t spend your whole trip napping, kid.
Teri: It’s our first day, we’re on here for twelve. Don’t worry about me.
Karl: Okay, just want to make sure you have a good trip.
Two nights later…
Betty: Karl, do you feel that?
Karl: Feel what?
Betty: The boat is rocking. I tried to get up and almost fell.
Karl: You sure you just didn’t drink too much?
Betty: I’m sure.
Jeanette: Betty! You in there?
Betty: Yeah, what’s going on?
Jeanette: Open up!
Betty: Karl, open the door.
Karl: I’m sorry about her.
Jeanette: Nothing to be sorry about! She has reason to be acting strange. I was on the top deck yet, getting one last drink before heading to bed, watching the karaoke singers, and the sky just opened up. The wind was whipping, we get pelted with rain. Rick’s in the room already, he got so drenched he had to change immediately.
Betty: I told you something was wrong!
Jeanette: Seems like just a thunderstorm. It’s not hurricane season, no reason to be really afraid.
Teri: Good thing I wasn’t on the creepy slide that hangs overboard!
Jeanette: Did I wake the whole family?
Jerry: No, the storm did. I fell out of bed.
Jeanette: Rough seas for a bit, I’d guess.
Captain: Hello, passengers of the Caribbean Queen, this is your captain speaking. We have hit a bad storm, resulting in choppy waters, high winds, and torrential downpours. As a result, we are closing all exposed decks, including the top deck, until further notice. There is no need to fear, this is just a minor inconvenience, and will, at worst, result in a bit of rough travel. Your safety is our priority, and we will keep you up to date in the event of any emergency protocols that may need to be enacted. Thank you, and have a good night.
Velma: What does he mean by “emergency protocols?”
Mitchell: Ah!
Velma: Oh, get up, the boat’s not rocking that badly!
Alysa: I’m scared.
Steven: And I’m frustrated my honeymoon’s been interrupted by a thunderstorm!
Tammi: Have you two even left that room once this week? You could use a break.
Steven: We went to dinner! We saw a show!
Alysa: No, we watched a show on TV.
Steven: Close enough.
Teri: It’s not like he can get her pregnant again.
Betty: If only someone would get you pregnant! Please, before I die!
Cindy: Mom, we all know you’re never going to die.
Betty: No, I’m starting to think you’re all right. We are going to die one this boat.
Ralph: I don’t want to die, but, I mean… that would be complete and total vindication for us.
Rick: Why are you all conversing in the hallway? That’s about the worst place you could be while the boat’s rocking up and down like a tilt-a-whirl.
Danielle: It does feel like a tilt-a-whirl, now that you mention it!
Cindy: I think we all just wanted to check in with each other.
Alysa: all this rocking can’t be good for the baby. I feel sick.
Teri: Is that new?
Alysa: No, but also yes.
Tammi: Just go lay down, dear. Sleep, and it’ll be over when you wake up.
Steven: Sleep? It’s eight o’clock.
Tammi: Desperate times, Steven.
Jerry: The rocking isn’t even that ba-
Mitchell: Did he just get hit by the door?
Cindy: He did indeed.
Teri: God has such a sense of humor.
Betty: Did, uh, did -
Cindy: The lights just go out? Yes.
Betty: I thought so.
Karl: I thought it was a minor storm?
Teri: I think the good captain underestimated the wrath of mother nature.
Mitchell: We’re in the Bermuda Triangle, guys.
Jeanette: That’s just a myth!
Mitchell: No, we’re all gonna die!
Betty: I’m really sorry about this, guys.
Cindy: It’s not that bad. We can survive without the lights.
Karl: She’s right. A bit of rocking in the dark. It’s no different from sitting on the porch during a storm at home.
Frank: I don’t sit on the porch then, I run inside.
Betty: Can I be honest? I’m very scared. Scared to the level that I wet myself a small amount.
Teri: Mother!
Betty: I don’t like storms, or thunder, or heavy winds when I’m on land! I’m on a boat on water! Humans were not made for this!
Jeanette: We’ll be fine. Everyone, just go back to your rooms, get a good night’s sleep, this’ll be over in the morning.
Alysa: Yeah, I’m in the hallway in a robe in the dark, not really how I envisioned my honeymoon going.
Mitchell: Surprisingly, that’s exactly how Velma and I spent our honeymoon!
Velma: In hindsight, that hotel room was suspiciously cheap. Atlantic City isn’t the best place to visit in January, when blizzards sometimes knock out the power.
The next morning…
Teri: This boat is a mess. Chairs everywhere, the deck is soaked, this looks like a scene from Twisters.
Karl: At least the power’s back.
Betty: Admittedly, this was a rough start to the trip.
Velma: No, we had two good days before hell struck us.
Betty: Regardless, a rough night that will stick with us, but better days are ahead.
Jeanette: That’s the spirit! We can’t let some rough seas and a brief power outage ruin our trip.
Steven: At least Alysa and I got to see how we deal with crisis.
Alysa: You passed with flying colors. You held me in your arms and made me feel safe.
Steven: I had to. The heat went out, I was cold.
Frank: She didn’t need to know that. Just a pro tip.
Velma: I’m gonna get us all a small refund for that inconvenience.
Jeanette: Maybe wait until the end of the trip before you make us all pariahs.
Danielle: I’m just grateful to be alive, no need to tempt then gods any further by being greedy.
Mitchell: We have nine more days, plenty of time for the curse of the Bermuda Triangle to strike!
Velma: Idiot.
Betty: So, what’s on the docket today?
Teri: Is anything going to be up and running? Look at this place.
Cindy: They have the buffet ready, and trust me, I worked up a hunger last night. Just laid in bed for hours, awake, stressing, panicking every time I felt the boat sway.
Jerry: I slept well.
Cindy: Good for you.
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
