Aimee walks into her office.
Aimee: Did you finish reading it?
Denise: The bill? Yeah, pretty solid.
Aimee: Pretty solid? It’s a senate bill, not the newest Taylor Swift single.
Denise: “Pretty solid” would never accurately describe my love for any song by the Princess of Pop.
Aimee: No disrespect to Miss Swift, I just chose the first singer I could think of. I’m just a bit confused as to your feelings about the bill. “Solid” is not really the highest praise one could hope for from their own chief of staff.
Denise: It’s a good bill. It’s just not all that exciting. I mean, it’s a bill about boats.
Aimee: It’s more about regulating waterways to keep them safer for travel.
Denise: Thrilling.
Aimee: It’s the Senate, we’re not here to thrill ourselves. We’re here to work for the people.
Denise: Don’t get all self-serious, it’s just some good-natured ribbing.
Aimee: I know, I just really want this to pass. Considering I’m a Republican, well… I have work to do!
Denise: You have Democrat friends.
Aimee: They like me, will they like my bill?
Denise: It’s a bill about boa - excuse me, waterways. It’s not like you’re asking them to outlaw abortion or criminalize marijuana again.
Aimee: No, that’s more Janie’s thing.
Denise: And it’s why everyone hates her, even the other Republicans.
Aimee: She makes us look so bad!
Denise: She’s a horrible, horrible witch. But we don’t need to talk about that, because she’s not a vote you need to worry about.
Aimee: I don’t know, it could be too sensible for her. This isn’t a highly partisan bill, it could draw a strange partisan breakdown.
Denise: That’s what you need, is it not? Democrats won’t back a partisan bill, but if you appeal to enough of them, you might lose some Republicans and it won’t even matter.
Aimee: It is a bit conservative, no?
Denise: Not outrageously so. There are bits about law enforcement and some bits about immigration that’ll turn off the far-left.
Aimee: So Gwen’s a no-go.
Denise: Gwen’s what, the fifth most liberal Democrat? I know it’s not a terribly partisan bill, but she’s sort of “Dr. No” when it comes to backing Republican bills. If she’s voting for it, you’ve got most of the caucus. Hassenfram, Marley, Sylvan, Turner, those senators you know well and who aren’t flaming partisans, you can get them, Then there’s the freshmen - Verline, Speck, Misto, Sharman. They all represent swing or Republican states, and they’re trying to fashion themselves as bipartisan. Easy gets, if you can make the case properly. This can pass. You’re in there to be a bipartisan dealmaker, you were made for this!
Aimee: Really, I’m in there because I’ve never hired anyone to commit a murder, unlike my 2022 opponent.
Denise: Washington could’ve still voted for him. They didn’t, because they know you get things done.
Aimee: Just, you know, not murder.
Denise: He didn’t get it done either.
Aimee: You sound a little disappointed.
Denise: We could’ve won Snohomish if he got the job done.
Aimee: We did win Snohomish.
Denise: What county am I thinking of, then?
Aimee: I don’t know, but I don’t think a person actually dying is really worth it just to flip one little county on a map from light blue to light red.
Denise: I’m not saying I wanted it to happen! I’m just saying, could’ve been really big for you if it did!
Aimee: Ah, that’s much better. You don’t sound like a craven psycho at all! Now, you stay here and fantasize about murders and whatnot, I’m off to campaign for my bill.
Denise: Now? You just got back.
Aimee: Yeah, I had to check if it was good, I know it’s good, now to push for it. Delilah!
Delilah: Yes, senator?
Aimee: I need fifty printed out copies of my new bill.
Delilah: Fifty?
Aimee: Yeah, I’m about to knock doors like a Girl Scout to get this done. I need the reading materials in hand to help, you know, schmooze.
Delilah: There’s a hundred senators.
Aimee: I know, I’m gonna try to handle all the Republicans at once. Some will need more convincing, but I’m a very powerful Republican senator, they’ll listen to me.
Denise: No such thing exists.
Aimee: I’m very powerful considering the added context of me being a Republican senator.
Denise: That’s better.
At the meeting of the Senate Republican Conference…
Greg: The conference chair has requested ten minutes of our time at today’s meeting to discuss her new bill, and I‘m happy to grant it to her. Senator Ferrera Donahue, floor’s yours.
Aimee: Thank you to Senator Sherwood, our dutiful leader. My friends, I represent a very blue state, so I often bring your proposals that may be out of step with the caucus at large, but this is a commonsense measure.
Janie: When have I heard that before?
Senator Persephone Chronopoulos: Come on, give her a chance!
Janie: Why is the freshman talking to me?
Geraldine: Last I checked, you’ve served less than one term, so maybe leave the newbie alone.
Persephone: Thank you, Senator McAllister!
Harry: Could we let the senator discuss her bill or are we going to talk over her the entire time?
Aimee: Thank you, senator. So, a main concern for many people in my state, particularly in the district I used to represent in the House, is our waterways. We’re the state of Puget Sound, chinook salmon fishing, and the San Juan archipelago. Travel by boat is essential in Washington. It’s a part of life in every state in some way.
Maurine: I’m from Idaho, it’s not really a huge deal for us. No cargo trips traveling across Lake Pend Oreille.
Geraldine: Not every bill specifically caters to you, Maurine.
Maurine: I don’t know the provisions of the bill, I’m just saying, boats are not of particular interest to the voters of Idaho.
Aimee: Anyway, Washingtonians and visitors to our state travel heavily on our waterways, but our Congress does not regulate them properly.
Janie: You want further regulation? Oh my god.
Aimee: My Waterway Safety Act, which is available for all of you to read if you so desire, tackles all aspects of water travel, on large lakes, on our oceans, and on rivers, in order to make them safer and standardize law enforcement and government techniques to protect them. It will appropriate money to maintain, build and repair lighthouses, defend our ports and harbors from illegal immigration -
Harry: You’re speaking our language now!
Aimee: and, generally, keep our waterways safe to travel on. It’s been decades since we’ve passed anything regulating our oceans and lakes, and it’s time to take it seriously again.
Liza: I’ll have to look over it, but this sounds like something I’d certainly back. Many Alaskans rely on boats for travel, and that travel isn’t always the safest. Anything I could do to make it less treacherous, I’d be all for.
Aimee: I appreciate all of you allowing me to speak and introduce this. I’ll obviously be speaking on the Senate floor about it, but I wanted my conference to be aware of it first. Any questions you have, go ahead and fire away.
Janie: This sounds like reckless government spending to me, no?
Aimee: A bill to make water travel safer and protect our ships and ports from illegal immigration is reckless spending? I’d push back on that notion.
Janie: Of course you would, you’re a tax-and-spend liberal.
Lynette: She is not!
Janie: Says the other tax-and-spend liberal!
Lynette: I have a 100% rating from the Association for Lower Taxes!
Janie: Sure you do.
Lynette: Greg! Are you going to let her be disruptive like this?
Greg: Senator Emmer…
Janie: I’ll lay off the resident liberals.
Alec: You’re just jealous Aimee got into leadership and you fell flat on your face.
Janie: I don’t talk to freshmen, I sure as hell won’t be talking to unelected freshmen!
Persephone: Do you think this could be while you lost the whip race to Senator McAllister?
Janie: How’d this become a Janie Emmer bashing session?
Sharon Campbell: You kind of brought it on yourself with all this hostility.
Janie: Hostility?
Greg: Order! Order!
Geraldine: That’ll calm things down! And if the gavel doesn’t scare you all into calming down, we’ll be writing very strongly-worded emails when this meeting is over!
Two days later…
Denise: Okay, what are we thinking with this bill? Is it passing or not? You’ve done a lot of talking with your fellow senators.
Aimee: I’m waiting on Mildred, I’m waiting on Sally, I’m waiting on Paula Verline. If I get those three, and all the tentative yeses hold, then it will pass, because three Republicans are noes.
Lynette: Who?
Aimee: Jordan, LeBetz, and obviously Emmer.
Lynette: Shocker, the libertarian hardliner’s a no.
Carolyn: I know you have a bad history with libertarians, given you nearly lost to one, but they’re not all bad.
Lynette: I did not almost lose to one. One almost cost me my Senate seat by taking over 25% of the vote in a race everyone knew he couldn’t win, but I still won anyway due to my electoral prowess.
Alec: If I recall correctly, it was the first time in decades that a Wyoming seat wasn’t called at poll closing.
Lynette: Exactly, I pulled off a stunning win in a swing seat.
Alec: You alone made it a swing seat. And I say that as someone who agrees with the actions you took that caused that to happen!
Lynette: Not everyone can be lucky enough to get appointed to the Senate, Alec!
Aimee: Gang, stop the arguing!
Carolyn: I agree, they need to stop, because I come with good news as well. As the House sponsor of this bill, I’ve been making he rounds-
Denise: That can’t be good.
Carolyn: and a lot of Democrats are on board. Most of whom hate me generally, so that’s how I know the signs are good.
Aimee: We need a lot of Democrats to vote yes in the House to get it passed.
Carolyn: My reading, as of now, is that we’ll get them. Work to be done, but I think you could get Nanette onboard and that would lock it down.
Denise: So as of now, likely to pass the Senate and positive signs in the House. You’re a much better political negotiator than I gave you credit for.
Carolyn: Thank you!
Denise: Not you.
Aimee: It doesn’t feel amazing to be underestimated by my own chief of staff, but it’s also oddly rewarding to prove you wrong at the same time. It’s very hard to explain!
Denise: It’s not that I thought you were back at politicking. You just got this off the ground and have nearly secured the votes within a few days, with nearly twenty Democrats locked down. That’s pretty impressive, regardless of how bipartisan the bill reads. Good for you.
Aimee: Now to lock down the others! I’m meeting with them later.
Carolyn: I have meetings today, too.
Aimee: It’s good to have an ally in the other chamber, especially when I’m actually being allowed to write bills with a real chance at becoming law.
Lynette: Delphy hates you, do we think he’d sign it into law?
Aimee: Do we think he’ll pass on actually signing a Republican bill into law? He’s signed what, six of them since the took office?
Alec: There was that one bill about renaming a military base.
Aimee: Yeah, that’s major legislation.
Alec: He did sign it, though!
Aimee: I’m hoping he believes this gives him an actual win. Not because I like him, I’m voting for Baum or Ross, but it’ll make it more likely for him to sign it.
Lynette: He is incredibly vain.
Carolyn: Baum or Ross? You’re spending too much time with Gwen.
Aimee: Perhaps, but it’s helping me keep a bipartisan image, that’s a win!
Lynette: Yeah, Carolyn, she doesn’t represent a deep red state, she has to represent her people.
Carolyn: You represent Wyoming, why do you vote the same way?
Lynette: Oh, I’m losing regardless, might as well vote my heart.
Aimee: Well, I’m about to go campaign my heart out and lock down Sally, Mildred and whatshername.
Denise: You might want to remember Paula Verline’s name if you want to woo her.
Aimee: I would’ve remembered when I saw her.
Denise: Best to be safe.
Aimee: Well, I’m off. Thank you all for checking in on me, and thank you for supporting my bill. Carolyn, good luck swaying the House Democrats. I know how much they adore you.
Carolyn: Some of them like me.
Aimee: Hopefully enough do, but if not, I’ll call in a favor with Nanette.
Later that day…
Aimee: Denise, say hello to senators Turner, Verline and Hassenfram.
Denise: Oh, ladies, I didn’t realize you were returning.
Denise: We weren’t supposed to, but the senator forgot to bring a copy of her bill with.
Mildred: I trust her to describe it accurately, but I do need to give it a good read-through to be sure.
Sally: And I barely caught any of her description, because the restaurant we met at was so dark, I couldn’t see my interpreter.
Denise: That’s terrible!
Sally: It’s fine, I enjoyed the break from politics. Sorry, Aimee.
Aimee: No, I get it, spending every minute of every day worrying about politics is pretty exhausting.
Mildred: I’ve been doing it every day since 1985. God, I need to retire.
Aimee: No, Mildred, you’re still doing great. Now Alma, she needs to retire. She’s apparently voting yes, but, well…
Mildred: I’ll keep her in line. You must’ve caught her when she was lucid, I’ll make sure she votes the way she intends. And I’ll make sure she ushers it through the Transportation Committee, too.
Aimee: You’re so kind. And, god, I forgot she chairs the committee this will have to pas through.
Denise
Mildred: Assuming you didn’t bury anything terrible in the bill without telling me, I’ll be voting yes, too.
Denise: Me too. This’ll be good for the people of Florida.
Mildred: That’s a bit concerning.
Denise: Are you insulting my voters?
Mildred: Just the ones that wrestle alligators.
Denise: They don’t do that!
Mildred: Sure.
Sally: Again, I know practically nothing about this bill, so I’ll have to read it and let you know.
Aimee: Well, here are your copies, ladies. Thank you all for your time and consideration. Our waterways appreciate it, too.
Mildred: Aimee, I quite admire and respect you, but don’t humanize bodies of waters. It’s just, well, weird.
Aimee: Thank you, Senator Hassenfram.
Senators Hassenfram, Turner and Verline leave, bills in tow.
Aimee: I think that went well!
Denise: Yes, that did...
Aimee: You're scaring me.
To be continued...
What did you think of this episode of Evergreen Aimee? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
