Amy, Tammy and Henrietta are at the mayor’s office, waiting for Marietta’s arrival.
Tammy: First day back, ladies! How are we feeling?
Amy: In complete disbelief that this is where this has all ended back up.
Tammy: Come on, we have great jobs, a great office rapport.
Amy: I was going to run the WHITE HOUSE!
Tammy: Look, I lived in the White House -
Amy: I could cut your throat!
Tammy: It’s really not that great. Very overhyped.
Amy: The house wasn’t really what I found appealing about the job. It was the power.
Henrietta: I don’t need power, I have a good job here, helping the residents of my favorite city, with all my favorite people.
Amy: Kissass.
Tammy: I’m gonna be honest, I’m sort of glad it’s over. Remember when Marietta asked me to be her running mate?
Amy: Yeah, that was when I became very convinced we were not going to win. She turned it around though!
Tammy: I’m exhausted just from traveling around the country as long as we did, and this isn’t even the general yet. Imagine the added stress and vigorous campaigning if I were the running mate. My god.
Amy: We would’ve stepped in to stop you both from doing something that insane, don’t worry.
Tammy: I’m just saying, it’s good to get a break. I’ve been sleeping ten hours a night since we got home.
Amy: I’m so jealous. Don won’t let me sleep that long. He has other plans.
Tammy: TMI.
Amy: No, not that. He wakes me up in the morning to go jogging.
Tammy: Ew! That’s worse!
Amy: I know, it’s awful! 6 AM and he’s dragging me out of bed to jog!
Tammy: No! I’d divorce him.
Henrietta: Thankfully, my husband does not do that.
Amy: Consider yourself lucky.
Tammy: So, when do we think Marietta’s getting here?
Amy: I forgot she works here, too.
Henrietta: Aww, she still wants to be mayor.
Amy: If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even be in this city anymore!
Tammy: We get it, you want to be a DC power player.
Amy: Yes! More than anything!
Tammy: Your time may come! Milton could help you! I could even help you, if you stop driving me nuts.
Marietta: What are we talking about?
Amy: Oh, Marietta, welcome back!
Tammy: It’s so good to see you!
Marietta: You guys are acting weird.
Henrietta: When aren’t we?
Marietta: That’s true. Normal would be strange for you guys.
Tammy: How are you feeling about coming back to work?
Marietta: Oh my god, guys. I’m an adult.
Tammy: Adults still feel pain. It’s only been two weeks.
Marietta: Exactly, too weeks. I took a bit of bereavement time, now it’s back to work. I’ve been out of this office for too long, the people of this city deserve a full-time mayor again.
Tammy: I’m happy to see you back. I’m just surprised you came back the same time we did and didn’t take any more time off.
Marietta: The funeral’s done, we were all there together to grieve, and now it’s time for us to collectively move on. We’ve got a lot to get done for this city, and we’ve been neglecting our work for the last year.
Tammy: I gotta say, it’s been nice not having to deal with the city council.
Marietta: They are objectively awful, but I’ve sort of missed them,.
Amy: I haven’t, and I say that as someone that used to work with them.
Marietta: So, what’s on the docket today? By the way, I have a hard out at four today. Can’t be late, I’ve got something very important.
Tammy: First day back and you’re already leaving early? That’s the Marietta I know!
Marietta: I have to go to the reading of my father’s will.
Tammy: Oh… that’s not fun.
Marietta: What, did you think I was leaving early to go party on Bourbon Street?
Amy: It’s what I would do!
Henrietta: Yes, you, Indiana Fever guard Caitlin Clark, and TV’s Ted Lasso.
Amy: I have many famous friends over the course of our campaign, yes.
Henrietta: And now, it is over. Our brush with fame is gone.
Amy: Don’t rub it in!
Marietta: Is something going on with her?
Tammy: She’s not taking the end of the campaign very well.
Marietta: Why? I’m the one who was going to be president. What was she gonna be, Ambassador to Zimbabwe?
Amy: Chief of Staff!
Marietta: Who ever told you that?
Amy: I… uh…
Henrietta: Her own delusions.
Amy: She’s sassy lately, I don’t like that!
Henrietta: Sorry, just, uh, got whiplash from the last couple of weeks.
Tammy: I think we all did. I don't remember where we were supposed to be right now, but it sure as heck wasn’t here.
Amy: Missouri?
Tammy: Oh, thank god, she saved us.
Marietta: See, dropping out isn’t so bad! I saved us from Missouri!
Henrietta: And you still got 100% of the vote in Louisiana after dropping out!
Marietta: I’d hope so, I was the only one on the ballot.
Amy: I’ll tell you another good thing about you dropping out. No more Karen!
Marietta: I kinda miss her!
Amy: Oh my god, why?
Marietta: She was interesting!
Amy: We need to get you out more.
Tammy: Speaking of you going out, can I ask why the will reading has to be this afternoon? I don’t have a problem with it, it just feels really specific.
Marietta: Milton has to fly back tomorrow to DC for a vote tomorrow morning and this was the earliest the lawyer could do it.
Tammy: That makes sense.
Marietta: I don’t expect it to be a major event. There’s not that much for him to give up. Mom is keeping the house and everything in it, because they shared that. I have no clue what else there is to give out. But mom wants to make sure we’re all there for it, and how do I say no?
Tammy: Right now? You can’t.
Marietta: Exactly, mom would lose it. So, I’m going. But that’s tonight! We have a lot of work to get to, I assume. No time for personal chitchat.
Amy: Is there time to watch March Madness?
Marietta: No?
Amy: That’s a shame! It’s getting good!
Marietta: Is Tulane in?
Amy: They never are, but Clemson is! And they play today!
Marietta: Okay, you can watch the Clemson game. Tammy, what business do the adults have to tend to?
Tammy: A stack of ordinances from the city council from the last two months.
Marietta: Yeah, that’s a good place to start. It’ll take some time to go through these. I’ll talk to Moira about them, too.
Tammy: She’s been on the trail, too. Not sure if she has much more insight than you do into any of them.
Marietta: Okay, then I’ll call Marissa. She’ll give it to me straight better than any of the others. I barely know some of them, it’s odd.
Tammy: You do know who won the special for Helene’s seat, right?
Marietta: I didn’t pay much attention to the city council while I was out.
Tammy: Sit down when I tell you this.
Marietta: Oh my god, did Garry win?
Tammy: Worse.
Marietta: There is no one worse.
Tammy: Bethany Canadello.
Marietta: No! A Republican won? That district?
Tammy: Turnout was abysmal.
Marietta: I would think! That’s one of the bluest parts of the city!
Tammy: First Republican to represent it since 1984. First Republican on the council since 1992.
Marietta: This feels bad.
Tammy: This election really had awful turnout, don’t stress too much. It barely disrupts the balance, don’t worry.
Marietta: I just can’t believe I still have to deal with this woman! Milton beat her, badly, and I figured surely that would be the end of her. I mean, she’s no electoral beast. The woman’s a simpleton. She lost Louisiana as a Republican by six points!
Tammy: Low-turnout elections are weird. She’ll be gone in the next election.
Henrietta: I don’t know, the rumors are that Rob Cheravoix is retiring and she’s looking at a run…
Marietta: Ah, good, that’s the 61st seat. Won’t have to worry about Marley and Sylvan anymore.
Amy: Hell, Ferrera Donahue is a more reliable vote for the Senate Democrats than those two clowns.
Marietta: I’ve always liked her. I wanted to put here in my cabinet.
Amy: Purely a decision motivated by personal feelings, right? Not a strategy to get a Democratic senate seat back?
Marietta: Washington just should not have less Democratic senators than Ohio.
Amy: There it is.
Tammy: So, work, we getting to it?
Marietta: Yeah, we’ve spent enough time hating on Bethany. I mean, what is this, season three of the Real Housewives of New York?
Tammy: Huh?
Marietta: I watched it on the plane a lot. Good, mindless binge.
Tammy: Mindless is a good word for it.
Later that day, at the office of Martin’s lawyer…
Marietta: I’m sorry I’m late!
Patty Lynn: It’s fine, it’s only five minutes.
Kathleen: Fifteen…
Patty Lynn: That’s fine too.
Jay (lawyer): Mayor Landfield, nice to meet you. So sorry for your loss. I’m Jay Karinshak, your father’s attorney. Your father did request the will to be read like this when it was time. He said he wanted it to be “fun” like in the movies.
Kathleen: Yeah, that sounds like him: insane.
Jay: We’re going to start with you, Mrs. Landfield.
Patty Lynn: YOu’ll have to be more specific.
Moira: I’m hoping he didn’t leave me anything.
Jay: His widow.
Patty Lynn: Ah, good. I love when people talk about me.
Milton: It’s true, she does.
Jay: To Patty Lynn, he leaves your home and nearly all of it possessions, as well as full control of your shared assets.
Patty Lynn: Nearly all?
Jay: To daughter Marietta, the mayor -
Marietta: That is me, yes.
Jay: He leaves you the entirety of a checking account worth $25,000, as well as his car, which is in storage.
Marietta: Dad had a car in storage?
Patty Lynn: Wow, I forgot about it. That thing’s ancient.
Marietta: An antique car, pretty cool!
Milton: How did she get money AND a car?
Marietta: I’m just that great
Marietta’s phone rings.
Marietta: I’m ignoring that, let me put it on vibrate.
Kathleen: I’d hope you’re ignoring it, it would be pretty rude not to, considering where we are.
Jay: To son Milton, the senator -
Milton: This should be good.
Jay: He leaves the entirety of another checking account worth $25,000, as well as a painting passed down generations, which currently hangs in the Landfield hallway.
Patty Lynn: Okay, he did tell me he wanted you to have that. You won’t have to pry that from my cold, dead hands.
Milton: Not quite a car, but it is what it is.
Patty Lynn: It could be worth even more. That thing’s old, it’s an original!
Jay: To sister Kathleen -
Kathleen: Finally! I’ve been on the edge of my seat!
Jay: He leaves all Landfield family photo albums, and a full list of items he received from your mother and father after their deaths.
Kathleen: I got pictures and mom’s old trinkets.
Jay: He also leaves the Landfield family furs -
Kathleen: All right, I can dress like Anora. Cool.
Jay: as well as the Landfield family cookbook.
Patty Lynn: Oh hell no!
Kathleen: Ha! I got it! I told you I’d get it! You said no!
Marietta’s phone rings again.
Marietta: I’m sorry, I don’t know what they want. Continue.
Jay: To granddaughter Sarah, he leaves an apartment, a new car, and $100,000.
Sarah: Excuse me?
Patty Lynn: I did know about this.
Jay: It says here, your grandfather wanted to set you up for success, and so he purchased an apartment for you last year when he finalized this well, as well as a new car.
Sarah: This is, like, insane.
Jay: Lastly, grandson Kyle!
Maria: I don’t think it’s going to top that!
Kyle: We’ll see.
Marietta: I can’t believe I got an old clunker and she gets a car fresh off the assembly line.
Marietta’s phone rings again.
Marietta: Okay, I’m sick of this now. I’ll be back.
Marietta walks out of the room to answer a call.
Marietta: What?
Tammy: Okay, Bethany is causing issues.
Marietta: Oh, jeez Louise. I’m at the reading of my father’s will!
Tammy: She’s doing a rally to protest your “illegal” signatures on the recent ordinances, she claims they all expired because they sat so long.
Marietta: Okay, yeah, no. Not dealing with this now. Let her be delusional in peace. They’re signed, they’re law now. Suck it. See you tomorrow.
Tammy: Okay, see you then!
Marietta enters the room again.
Marietta: Sorry about that! What’d I miss?
Kyle: Grandpa left college funds for both of the girls!
Marietta: Where did he get all this money?
Patty Lynn: Well, he was a politician for several decades. You guys are good with making money.
Marietta: He clearly was more skilled than I.
Kathleen: That wasn’t all! He left a full storage unit for all of us to go through and divvy up as we see fit! What a joy!
Milton: And he left his golf cart and clubs to uncle Marvin!
Marietta: Will he come down to claim them?
Kathleen: I think that’s the sole reason he left them to him!
The next day…
Tammy: Oh my god, Marietta, what is that?
Marietta: My new ride! Like it?
Tammy: Is that from your dad?
Marietta: Sure is! And you may hear reports that everyone else got very cool things that are higher in value and are perhaps more practical, but those are sick lies. I won this will.
Amy: You won the will?
Henrietta: Just let her have this.
Marietta: By the way, Henrietta, he left a storage unit for you. Go wild!
Henrietta: Aww, that was so nice of him!
Marietta: You gotta clean it out by next month though, or pay for it yourself. Don’t want it to end up on Storage Wars.
Tammy: Is that still on?
Marietta: Nobody knows.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
