Lauren is visiting Frances.
Frances: This is nice! Even though you live in my guest house, I feel like the two of us never get to just hang out.
Lauren: We’re just so busy. I know by the time I get home, I just want to relax on the couch. I don’t even go out anymore.
Frances: You’re not used to such long working days. TV isn’t nearly as glamorous as it seems! Twelve-hour days, on top of the long haul home and all the traffic, it wears you down at first. You build up a resistance eventually, though. Not that that’s really a good thing. It’s pretty unhealthy, I’m sure I’ve knocked a few years off my life thanks to my schedule.
Lauren: That’s the price you pay for fame, I suppose.
Frances: Funny, I thought Greg already made me pay enough.
Lauren: Have you talked to him since that debacle with your in-laws? Any progress on the divorce?
Frances: I have not spoken to him, and I don’t plan on speaking to him until I have to see his ass in court. So, how’s your love life been?
Lauren: Well, none of my romantic partners have stolen hundreds of thousands of dollars, os I guess a bit better than yours.
Frances: Low blow!
Lauren: Sorry, I just couldn’t resist.
Frances: Speaking of love, I’ve been asked to serve as a grand marshal at a Pride parade!
Lauren: Well that’s nice! Which one?
Frances: Believe it or not, LA! Yeah, I’m famous enough for that, much to my own shock.
Lauren: You’re very famous! You’ve got your face on frying pans at Target!
Frances: Is that how you know you’ve made it? You have branded merchandise at Target?
Lauren: It’s a pretty good indicator. So, when’s this parade, and can I come?
Frances: You’re not gay.
Lauren: Neither are you, and they made you the grand marshal! That’s as, pun intended, grand as it gets.
Frances: You can sit on the float with me. We’ll put someone in between us, though, I don’t want us to look like a lesbian couple.
Lauren: Why would people think that?
Frances I mean, it’s a Pride parade.
Lauren I don’t know why you think everyone at Pride has to be gay.
Frances: People make assumptions sometimes. I mean, I just filed for divorce, people are already talking about my romantic life a bit more than I’d like. I don’t need people to confuse my niece for my much-younger girlfriend.
Lauren: All right, you can put Beverly and Marcia in between us. They go with you everywhere anyway, people won’t think they’re gay just because you’re next to them.
Frances: I want to be clear, it’s not the “people assuming I’m gay” part that concerned me. It was the “people thinking I’m dating my niece.” You’re not a public figure, they don’t know who you are.
Lauren: They will soon! I’ve got a plan!
Frances: I hope it involves stealing DeAnna’s show from her.
Lauren: I haven’t really developed the plan that well. I was hoping you could help a little.
Frances: Any time! You do have star quality. All right, what do you want for dinner? It’s about time for me to whip something up.
Lauren: Takeout?
Frances: Sounds good to me! I love not having to cook when I get home. It’s the only thing I miss about Greg!
Lauren: I always liked Greg, I’m so disappointed in how that ended for you.
Frances: And that is why we’re letting your mother vet any potential boyfriends!
Lauren: But she doesn’t like anybody! If I had to wait for her approval, I’d die a lonely old spinster!
Frances: Exactly! Better to die a lonely old spinster than a lonely old fool!
The next day, at work…
Beverly Hey, Frances! You got a pep in your step!
Frances Yes, because you’re looking at the 2016 LA Pride parade grand marshal!
Marcia: This is gonna kill DeAnna, the gays are her thing!
Jane: What’s this about gays?
Marcia: Do they all come running if you say “gay” three times, like they’re Beetlejuice or something?
Jane: I work here, silly!
Beverly: Usually not for another hour or so.
Jane: Oh, crap, am I early? My clock wasn’t working right.
Beverly: No, you are exactly on time. That’s the unusual part.
Frances Ladies, I don’t think you’re grasping how major this is. I, Frances Conner, a grand marshal!
Marcia: I knew the grand marshal of the Rose Parade once. Worked as an intern for her.
Frances: Okay, and?
Marcia: I’m just saying, that’s a bigger parade. People watch that one on TV.
Frances: You’re acting like you were the grand marshal yourself.
Marcia: I’m just trying to say, it’s not that uncommon of an honor to have bestowed upon you, don’t let it go to your head too much.
Frances: I’ll take note of that.
Beverly: I think it’s great you’re doing this, Frances. Love is love!
Frances: It is indeed!
Jane: You’ve been such a great ally. I came out to you before I came out to my parents. You’re the reason I came out to my parents, actually. I was afraid they wouldn’t accept it, but my other parental figure gave me the courage to just come out and tell them.
Frances: Parental figure?
Jane: Yeah! You’re old enough to be my mom!
Marcia: What a lovely way to compliment Frances.
Jane: I thought so!
Marcia: So, can we come with to this parade?
Frances: Of course! The more the merrier!
Beverly We’re gonna look like a bunch of lesbians, and I think that’s beautiful.
Frances: I know! Lesbians are so much fun! Rosie O’Donnell, Wanda Sykes, Jane Lynch… they’re just swell.
Marcia: I heard Ellen’s kinda mean.
Frances: After what this country’s put the gay community through, she’s earned it!
Beverly: Okay, we love the gays, but it’s still only May, so time to ice this talk and get to work./
Frances Yeah, I agree. A lot to get done.
Marcia: We should do a Pride episode! Gay-themed cakes! Stick it to those bakeries that won’t make cakes for loving gay couples!
Frances: That’s a great idea, Marcia. Time to work!
Marcia: I’m just so excited thinking of the possibilities we can do for Pride month!
Beverly: Marcia, I appreciate the excitement about being an ally, but why are you acting like you just now realized that gay people exist?
Jane: Yeah, I’ve been here every day for the last, um, I don’t know how long.
Marcia: Too long. Shockingly long.
Jane: You’re too sweet!
Marcia: Am I?
Dana: No!
Beverly: Dana, we’re just getting to work, I promise.
Dana: Word on the street is that Frances is doing a Pride parade!
Frances: I haven’t even said yes to it yet. My agent might’ve, but I haven’t!
Dana: This is an LGBT-friendly workplace, so no need to hide it. I just, uh… I see this as a business opportunity.
Frances: Of course you do.
Dana: We have t-shirts of the TBC logo in rainbow colors, and I’d just love if you wore it at the parade. You know, to show the community that we stand with them!
Marcia: Rainbow capitalism, everyone loves that!
Dana: It’s only rainbow capitalism when the companies only claim to support the LGBT community, but would turn their backs on them the second it got inconvenient. That’s not us! We have many gay talents on our network, we stand strongly with the LGBt community and always will!
Marcia: That’s what they all say!
Dana: Anyway, I’d just appreciate it.
Frances: I’ll think about it. I guess it is a good way for the LGBT community to know we have love for them and support them.
Beverly: Fantastic! Moving on to filming!
Dana: Yes! Sorry for the delay, won’t happen again!
Marcia: Sure it won’t.
Dana: You’ve got my word!
Later that night, at Jimmy and Louise’s…
Louise: I hear you two were hanging out together last night! Any reason we weren’t invited?
Frances: She came over to borrow some aluminum foil since she ran out, I invited her to come in and chat, and we ended up spending the night chatting and watching some TV. No nefarious plot to exclude you, I promise!
Louise: Sounds suspect!
Jimmy: What were you watching on TV? Nothing’s even on anymore.
Frances: There’s a new season of Grace & Frankie out. Great show.
There’s a knock at the door.
Jimmy: I’ll get it!
Frances: Who could that be?
Louise: The only people I’d even want it to be are already in this house, and honestly, I’d even prefer if one of the people in this house were not here.
Frances: You’re too sweet!
Louise: I could’ve been talking about Jimmy!
Frances: But you weren’t!
Jimmy: Look, everyone, Jaime’s here!
Frances: Speaking of Grace & Frankie!
Jaime: So nice to see everybody! I don’t want to disrupt your night, I actually had something to ask you guys. I went to Frances’s house first, but no one was home.
Frances: Yeah, I spend a lot of my time here now.
Louise: To my dismay.
Frances: It’s just a bit eerie to stay in such a big house all my myself for too much of the time. It feels too vacant.
Jaime: I get how you feel! Well, not exactly, I live in a crappy apartment with one room. But I understand the difficulty of a breakup and not wanting to spend time in a place that reminds you of them. Actually, romance is the reason I’m here!
Frances: Yay, my favorite topic!
Jaime: Aunt Frances, I am so touched to hear you’re going to be the grand marshal at Pride. It’s so nice to feel such support. It’s not always easy being gay.
Frances: Of course not.
Jimmy: And we love you for it! We just love the gays! Elton John and, you know, uh… George Michael from Wham. Come on, Lou, name some other gays we love.
Louise: I’d rather not, really.
Jimmy: One of our first dates was a Barry Manilow concert! Him and Bette Midler together.
Lauren: Dad, are you sure you two aren’t also gay?
Jimmy: Lauren! In front of your cousin?
Jaime: No, I don’t mind, Barry Manilow’s music is very gay. His fans are mostly gay men and elderly women, that’s died to admit.
Louise: I’m a Fanilow, but I’m not elderly, I’m vintage.
Frances: Anyway, we haven’t let the girl get a word in edgewise! Let her say why she came here!
Jaime: Oh, yes! I’m proposing to Jane.
Frances: That’s great, sweetheart! You two are so cute together, you deserve a long and happy marriage.
Louise: Are you certain about Jane? She’s, uh… very sweet, but boy is she dumb.
Jaime: She’s much more intellectual than people think!
Frances: I work with her, and she really isn’t, but she is a good person.
Jimmy: She is. I’m happy you found her.
Frances: You’re welcome!
Jaime: Aunt Frances, I wanted to ask you if you think it’d be a good idea for me to propose at the parade.
Frances: It’s not where I’d do it, but Jane loves a parade. I think that would be a good idea!
Louise: You want to make everyone else aware that you’re marrying an idiot? Honey…
Jimmy: Louise!
Louise: This should be a private family matter, no need to broadcast it to the world.
Frances: You sound like a homophobe right now.
Louise: It’s not because they’re gay! It’s because it’s impossible to have a full conversation with Jane that isn’t about lollipops and rainbows and Toy Story.
Jaime: She loves Toy Story. She said she always had a crush on Bo Peep.
Jimmy: It’s a very insightful movie, that’s not a damning indictment of her emotional intelligence.
Jaime: Aunt Louise, I love her. She makes me happy, and I can’t imagine life without her. I want to marry her.
Lauren: And that’s all that matters, not that I have any experience with the matter whatsoever.
Louise: And it’s best to keep it that way. You will always be MY little girl.
Lauren: Mom, I can drink, drive, buy cigarettes, and vote.
Jimmy: Hopefully, not all at once!
Lauren: I’m not a child. One day, this will happen for me, too!
Louise: But just give me a bit more time, I’m not ready!
Frances: Anyway, I’m very happy for you, although it will be hard for me to keep this a secret from Jane.
Louise: I don’t know, she’s not exactly Sherlock Holmes…
Jimmy: You’ve always been good at keeping secrets.
Frances: I know, this is just the first exciting, positive thing to happen in a long time. It’ll be hard not to talk about it!
The next day, at work…
DeAnna: Since when are you an ally?
Frances: Uh, since always! I’ve got a gay niece, she’s about to get gay married, take that!
DeAnna: I should be the grand marshal! No one’s done more for the community than me! I’m a damn hero!
Frances: It’s not a competition, DeAnna. Though, if it were, I won.
DeAnna: You win everything!
Frances: Have you looked at my life? This is my first win in a very long time.
DeAnna: And it should’ve been mine!
Frances: Gotta go, I have gossip to spill! Buh-bye!
Frances rushes onto the set of her show.
Frances: Girls! I have such exciting news!
Marcia: It’s early in the morning, nothing is exciting right now.
Frances: Wrong side of the bed this morning?
Beverly: Coffee machine’s broken.
Frances: That explains it!
Marcia: How does a coffee machine get broken on the set of a cooking show?
Frances: Don’t worry, Jane will be here with our gourmet coffee soon enough, and that's why I have to spit this out quick! Jaime is going to propose to Jane at the parade!
Marcia: Oh. That’s nice.
Beverly: Don’t worry, Frances. I’m excited.
Marcia: Aren’t you worried they’ll take the spotlight off you?
Frances: I think I can spare it. I mean, it’s sort of their parade, no? Certainly not mine, I’m just there to offer support.
Jane: Ooh, who are we talking about?
Frances: Ah, nothing of interest!
Beverly: Jane, you’re early today!
Marcia: Give me that coffee! Frances is making me listen to nonsensical stories about her parade. Apparently Jaime is g-
Frances: Jaime is going to the parade, too! I asked her last night!
Jane: Great idea! You always know the best thing to do!
Frances: I really do, I’m so smart. I amaze myself.
Beverly: Humble, too.
The next month…
Marcia: This is nice. I didn’t realize they’d give us a Frances-themed float.
Frances: Yeah, I don’t like seeing my head that large. I notice all my imperfections.
Beverly: Frances, this is not about you.
Frances: Tell that to whoever designed this float.
Beverly: At least we’re wearing these company-mandated TBC Pride shirts, that’s one way to keep us from looking selfish.
Jaime: You know, I was trying to wait for the end of the parade, but Jane, I just have to ask you something.
Jane: Did you want to switch seats so you’re closer to George Takei?
Jaime: Oh, no, not really. No, I -
Jane: Jaime, get up, you’ll fall off the float kneeling like that!
Marcia: Wow, she’s really dumb.
Jaime: Jane, every moment of our relationship has been a pure joy. You are the light in my life, the thing that makes life worth living. I just adore you, and I can’t imagine life without you. I want to spend the rest of our lives together. Will you marry me?
Jane: Oh my god, this is all so overwhelming! Yes, I will!
Marcia: The crowd’s loving that!
Frances: So am I! I love love! God bless you, gays!
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the kitchen? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the midseason finale next week!
