Sam picks up the phone and calls Diane.
Sam: What are you packing for the big trip?
Diane: Packing? I’ve already packed, Sam. We’re leaving on a multi-month cross-country trip in two days.
Sam: Oh, look at you, all prepared. Aren’t you special?
Diane: I think most people get ready for a trip before you’re two days out from leaving. Especially when they won’t be home for three months. What else have you not done yet that you need to do? Did you pause your mail delivery? Did you -
Sam: Do not begin listing all the things you think I need to do. I’m responsible, I’m an adult, I’ve traveled before.
Diane: All right, if you insist! I won’t worry about you.
Sam: You know, ever since you’re spending time with those grandkids of yours, you’re just insufferable. I feel like I’ve got a mom again.
Diane: I’m sorry I care!
Sam: That’s the exact sort of emotionally-manipulative statement she’d make, too!
Diane: Is there a reason you called? You’re being very negative.
Sam: I need help packing! What kinda weather are we prepping for here?
Diane: It’s summer. Wherever we’re going, it’s summer. Pack whatever you’d usually wear in summer. The network will handle our show wardrobe.
Sam: Are we going to the beach?
Diane: I don’t know, there aren’t really any beach locales on the travel list.
Sam: So no bathing suit.
Diane: We could go to a pool.
Sam: Ah, of course. Though, not as good of a place to drown Garry as the open ocean.
Diane: Not funny!
Sam: You’re sure we don’t have to pack a show wardrobe? That would lighten the load significantly, I may even get the suitcase under 50 pounds that way.
Diane: I could never do that. My general philosophy is to do as minimal harm as possible.
Sam: Then again, the network is paying for travel, and we’re getting a private jet starting in Boston, so it’s not like we’d be racking up massive fees if we did fail to pack efficiently…
Diane: That’s a good point. I may have to take my curling iron after all!
Sam: Glad I could help.
Diane: I think you owed me a bit of help after berating me.
Sam: That wasn’t berating, that was good-natured teasing, I wouldn’t be Sam if I didn’t do that. You want berating, listen to me talking to Garry.
Diane: Could you lay off Garry this season?
Sam: No can do.
Diane: His mother-in-law just died, I don’t think he’s taking it that well.
Sam: She was still alive?
Diane: We met her! Many times!
Sam: When? Was I drunk or something?
Diane: I’m the one that gets drunk!
Sam: That is right, we had that intervention and everything.
Diane: It was in Rhode Island. She stayed with us for the filming of two separate seasons.
Sam: That doesn’t feel like the truth.
Diane: “Doesn’t feel like the truth?” What are you, a Fox News host?
Sam: Don’t get all political. I hate it when you go woke.
Diane: You’re just as “woke.”
Sam: I know, but I don’t go around letting everyone know. I put up an act, like I’m still un-PC. Is PC a thing people still say?
Diane: I don’t know, they make up too many new phrases these days. Do you know what rizz is?
Sam: That’s like a fizzy candy, no? Oh, I should pack candy for the flight!
Diane: You mean Zotz? God, I haven’t had one of those in ages.
Sam: If that’s the name, then what the hell is a rizz?
Diane: It means “charisma” apparently.
Sam: You’re kidding!
Diane: These kids today…
Sam: Diane, you can’t say that. You don’t want to sound like a bitter old boomer, we have to try to appeal to all generations to stay on top.
Diane: I know, I just get so… confused. They make me feel old.
Sam: We are old, Diane!
Diane: You know what? You pack and finish your preparations, and I’m gonna see ya soon. Bye!
Sam: That was abrupt!
Diane: Yes, that’s what happens when someone reminds me of my mortality!
Elsewhere, Leslie receives a phone call from Paul.
Leslie: Paul! What’s up?
Paul: Leslie, I bring unfortunate news.
Leslie: What’s that? I usually trust you to follow through when you promise terrible news is incoming, so I’m bracing myself here.
Paul: It’s not that big of a deal. Don’t panic.
Leslie: What is it?
Paul: You know how I promised to fight to get my job back?
Leslie: Yes…
Paul: Well, I am back in network leadership.
Leslie: That’s good! It’s not sounding unfortunate to me just yet!
Paul: I’ve received a major demotion.
Leslie: Well, at least you’ve managed to work your way into leadership at all. You were just a lowly employee thanks to Jacqueline.
Paul: It was agreed upon by the board that someone with my seniority and expertise deserves the respect to have an executive role at the company.
Leslie: Of course! I’m not seeing what’s wrong here.
Paul: I’ve been “promoted” to chief of content oversight. It’s a new position, one suggested by Jacqueline.
Leslie: Jacqueline suggesting it is already ringing alarm bells.
Paul: My one and only responsibility in that role is monitoring production of our network’s shows to make sure things run smoothly. I’m essentially a producer without a production credit. I’m this network’s eyes and ears on the set of whatever hit show the board things needs some oversight. It’s pretty much the job I gave Jacqueline last year, minus her cushy office and board seat at the network.
Leslie: It’s a start, though, no? Do a good job, and give Jacqueline time to prove how inept she is, and they’ll be begging you to come back!
Paul: I wish I had your faith. Unfortunately, my first assignment is returning to your show. I’ll be out of LA for a while, crossing the country with the gang.
Leslie: Oh no.
Paul: It’s so disgusting that Jacqueline is shipping me off in an attempt to prevent me from taking my job back! Who does she think she is?
Leslie: That’s the exact thing you did to her, no?
Paul: Yes, but she deserved it! She was a disloyal nuisance! I was the president of this company for fifteen years!
Leslie: That’s a long time, maybe it’s best to shake your life up a bit, experience something new.
Paul: I’ve traveled before, and I’ve spent a lot of time on your set. I’m not getting anything new from this. This is, as far as I’m concerned, full-on sabotage.
Leslie: Well, I look forward to working with you again. It’ll be a nice shift from Jacqueline, who drives me insane.
Paul: She drives us all insane. Her rules are going to stick, though.
Leslie: What do you mean?
Paul: She wants less, as they say, “tomfoolery.” We’re filming every episode in one day now. There’s going to be another team handling editing, post-show. They want to expedite everything. They don’t want filming to take three months anymore.
Leslie: What? It’s always been done this way! It’s how we craft meaningful stories that connect with the viewers!
Paul: Jacqueline doesn’t care. This is just content to her.
Leslie: It’s the number one show on television! You’d think she could care a little about appeasing us!
Paul: You guys gave me hell, but I was a friend to this show. This network is not in a good place, I see it moving away from the original mission of investing in quality and moving towards pushing out whatever slop people will watch. She only cares about the bottom line. But, l no longer have a say in that. I’m just happy to have a job at all, and I’m hoping I will continue to have one until she drives this network into the ground.
Leslie: This conversation’s taken such a positive turn.
Paul: I know. Maybe I’m just too negative because she’s not matching MY vision, the one I upheld for over a decade. Change is hard. We’ll see how it goes.
Leslie: That’s more like it! I’ll see you soon. We’ll have a fun time.
Paul: Yeah, a month and a half of Sam hazing me, that’s great.
Leslie: Three months!
Paul: Leslie, change is hard for all of us.
Leslie: I’m not letting her screw with my process!
Paul: That’s the fighting spirit I like to hear!
Leslie: I hate Jacqueline Fletcher!
Later that day…
Frances: Is there a reason we’ve all been called together?
Diane: And why’s it at my house? I’m
Leslie: You have the best house for something like this. You host all the parties. Plus, it’s easiest for all of us to get here.
Frances: I had to drive over an hour for this, it better be good.
Garry: I love that we’re all together again!
Frances: We were two days away from that coming true to begin with!
Garry: Two days is a long time, I missed you all! And Carly’s sick of me!
Sam: Well, I can understand that.
Garry: I don’t think that’s very nice.
Sam: Wasn’t meant to be!
Leslie: Anyway, can we all listen?
Frances: Is Charlotte not coming?
Leslie: Oh my god, I forgot about her.
Frances: You didn’t call Charlotte?
Leslie: Of course I did! I just forgot she wasn’t here. She’s unusually late.
Diane: She has been busy campaigning for the Emmy for her HBO miniseries.
Sam: It’s no use, she’ll never beat Nicole Kidman. Did Nicole Kidman do a miniseries this year?
Diane: She did not. She did a few dramas, though!
Sam: Ah, well, I guess Charlotte’s dreams are still alive, then.
Diane: It’s Kate Winslet and Regina King who you really need to watch out for, though. It’s Nicole who gets the nominations, but they pick up the wins like nobody’s business.
Sam: Unlike us.
Frances: We’ll get that Emmy one of these years! Screw The Traitors!
Garry: I just got home from filming season four of The Traitors.
Sam: I hope you got murdered first.
Garry: Second!
Sam: That warms my heart.
Charlotte: I’ve arrived! What is the emergency? I had to cancel a podcast interview with Jon Stewart for this!
Frances: Jon Stewart has a podcast?
Charlotte: And it has hundreds of listeners, all of whom are Television Academy voters!
Frances: You really want that Emmy.
Sam: I think we ALL want an Emmy!
Diane: We’ve won Emmys.
Sam: Several long years ago.
Diane: I don’t think we should get greedy, let Alan Cumming have his moment.
Garry: I still remember when I won six back-to-back Emmys for hosting Ballroom Celebrities.
Sam jumps off the couch and grabs Garry by the throat.
Frances: WWE SmackDown!
Diane: Sam! That was out of line!
Sam: I’m sorry, I just… he was gloating.
Leslie: I’m drawing both of you up for technical fouls for unsportsmanlike conduct.
Frances: Oh, yeah, Leslie’s taken up basketball over the hiatus.
Leslie: My Oklahoma City Thunder are really good this year!
Charlotte: Bandwagon jumper…
Leslie: I’m literally from Oklahoma!
Charlotte: And yet, you only started watching the NBA the year they go to the finals. Unlikely story.
Diane: I’m a feminist, so I prefer Caitlin Clark, A’ja Wilson, Sabrina Ionescu… SHEroes.
Sam: We get it, you’re woke.
Diane: Stop calling me that!
Frances: I didn’t realize we were all so into basketball.
Sam: It’s a beautiful sport. The only good one. Baseball is so slow, football… that’s too gay even for me, soccer just looks dumb. Basketball, that’s cool.
Garry: I don’t mean to rain on the parade, but I don’t watch sports.
Sam: Yeah, we can tell.
Frances: So why are we here?
Diane: I’m starting to think it was just for fun.
Sam: And this ain’t fun.
Leslie: Gang, we need to get Paul back.
Sam: I’m leaving.
Diane: It’s my house and I’m ready to leave. Leslie, you bothered us for this?
Leslie: Come on, just wait! He’s not so bad, you all know it.
Garry: He’s grown on me a lot.
Sam: Remember when you quit your job because he wouldn’t give you a raise? I remember, I quit alongside you.
Charlotte: And that was when I got to join the family!
Sam: You almost killed the family, Charles Manson.
Diane: Inaccurate reference, Manson didn’t kill his family. He just got them all sent to prison for… well, committing murders.
Sam: Great, thanks for that, really enhanced the joke.
Charlotte: That was not my fault, we all know that.
Frances: It was DeAnna’s, I shudder to think of that season. I was so ready to walk.
Leslie: We all were! The network was ready to drop us! But Paul saw the error of his ways, knew we had a gem he could salvage, and he got the gang back together. It took a rude awakening, but he had our backs.
Sam: I do not see it that way.
Leslie: Let me have this.
Diane: I’ll give you that, he did get us those raises, and he has continued to give us raises.
Leslie: Can you imagine Jacqueline Fletcher having the faith in us that Paul showed?
Frances: Not in a million years! We have another bad year, with the budget we got, she’s sending our asses straight to the curb.
Leslie: Exactly! Paul’s no saint, but Jacqueline just may be the devil. We have to push to get Paul back. Jacqueline’s already messing with our production schedule, cutting corners, it’s ridiculous!
Diane: How’s she doing that?
Leslie: She’s cutting filming down to a little over a month. I don’t get to edit the show anymore after filming, it’ll all be done once the entire filming is filmed, by a professional team, where I have minimal input. All because that’s cheaper. And Paul is still our chaperone!
Sam: That’s all you needed to tell me! That can not be! What’s the game plan?
Leslie: I’ve set up a meeting already with the board, we’re gonna go on strike if they don’t vote to put Paul back in charge.
Frances: Okay, that’s going to fail.
Leslie: Their top show is refusing to film, we make them more money than anything else on this network. We have the power to change minds.
Sam: The last time we did this, Paul let us walk and the show almost died.
Leslie: This time, it’s a united front. The show does NOT go on until Paul is back!
Sam: Let the record show, I am not in favor of this. But I’ll go with you, because I’m a team player.
Leslie: I appreciate that.
The next day…
Jacqueline: Let me get this straight. You are all threatening to strike unless I agree to give up my job to someone the board agreed, for good reason, to oust less than a year ago? Have you gone batty?
Leslie: I have not. I am unsatisfied with the lack of communication between network leadership and me, the producer of your top show!
Jacqueline: Paul is the official network liaison to your show. It’s his job to break all news to you lot, including all of these things you’re complaining about.
Diane: I just think maybe you should let us know you’re completely reshaping our filming schedule and our editing strategy and cutting our budget earlier than two days before filming starts! That’s all!
Frances: We are an incredibly important show for this network, with six seasons at #1 in the ratings, and you repay us like this? It’s not right! Paul McCann would treat a hit show better than this!
Jacqueline: You know what? I did err in making those hasty budget cuts without your input. I can scrap all the changes I made to how your show operates, and make it business as usual. In exchange, you will all table this ridiculous talk about bringing your precious “Paul” back. Your choice. I’m here to stay either way.
Garry: She wouldn’t be offering you that much if she didn’t think we could change the board’s mind.
Sam: Just take the deal. We get what we wanted most, and we can let Paul fight his own battle.
Jacqueline: Rest assured, there’s no battle TO fight. He’s done! He’s so lucky I’m so kind as to allow him a job as important as overseeing our top series. I could’ve very easily fired him, I had every reason to do so.
Leslie: Jacqueline, we’ll take the deal.
Jacqueline: Wonderful! I’ll let Paul know filming’s going to be a bit longer than expected, and some intern will have to make some hotel and flight rearrangements. Nothing for you to worry about! Thanks for playing!
Diane: What just happened?
Leslie: I think we somewhat won?
Charlotte: I didn’t even get to bribe her by telling her she could hold my Oscar if she gave him his job back!
Leslie: That’s for the best, she’d have just stolen it.
What did you think of the Bake Your Heart Out season premiere? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
