Charlotte: I don’t appreciate that they made us fly commercial. I have an Oscar!
Sam: We know.
Charlotte: I have to keep repeating it because I feel you often forget it
Sam: How could we ever forget when you talk about it once an hour on the hour?
Melanie: Uh oh, is everyone in a cranky mood?
Diane: Melanie! God, I’ve missed you.
Leslie: Don’t worry too much, Melanie, travel days always get them cranky.
Charlotte: Not when we travel by private jet!
Diane: I know, the knowledge of being a climate criminal does make the trip much more enjoyable!
Sam: Oh my god, Diane…
Diane: What?
Sam: There’s a point where you take it a little too far, it’s pretty insufferable.
Diane: Did you just call me insufferable?
Frances: I just want to go to the hotel and sleep.
Leslie: It’s three PM, dear.
Frances: That’s it?
Leslie: Time zones.
Frances: I hate time zones.
Leslie: We’ll all turn in early tonight, that’s for sure.
Garry: I slept on the plane, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get to sleep that early.
Sam: I hate you.
Garry: For staying up late?
Sam: For being able to sleep on an airplane!
Garry: The seats are comfortable when you’re in first-class! Add in the pillow, it’s easy to fall asleep.
Sam: Not if you’re a normal person! God, you really are Satan in the flesh!
Paul: Gee, am I ever happy to be reunited with this crew. Gonna be a peaceful and jubilant three months.
Frances: We really are sorry about not being able to work our magic and get you your job back. We did try!
Sam: I mean, not hard. But yes, we did try.
Frances: We did try hard!
Sam: We folded like lawn chairs the second Jacqueline offered up something we wanted from her.
Paul: Hence why we’re getting to spend three months together instead of just the initial month-and-a-half plan, I presume?
Sam: It’s a big part of it!
Leslie: It’s not that we folded to get what we wanted from her. What we wanted most was you getting your job back! But she’s a very intimidating woman, and she clearly had the board on her side. We had no real choice here.
Garry: I think it’s the accent.
Charlotte: What, the British accent? I’ve got one of those, none of you are afraid of me.
Sam: You have a very posh, sophisticated accent. Jacqueline’s got the accent of a miner organizing a labor strike.
Paul: Oh, she’d never allow a strike. Organized labor is not her thing at all.
Diane: Yeah, we saw that firsthand.
Sam: We should’ve called SAG, they could’ve reprimanded her or something.
Garry: I don’t think that’s really what SAG is around for.
Sam: Shut up, Garry.
Garry: Of course.
Leslie: I think we should just head to the hotel, we don’t need to bicker in public.
Charlotte: Which brings me back to my point, why are we flying commercial?
Diane: Because! We just are! Shit happens! Suck it up and stop whining!
Frances: Wow, Diane’s losing her temper! That’s not something you just see everyday.
Diane: I don’t take kindly to whining crybabies.
Paul: You like Sam just fine!
Sam: Watch it, Paul! I just tried to do you a favor!
Paul: “Tried” being the key word, no?
Leslie: Enough! Charlotte, we took a commercial flight because it was more convenient for the private jet to begin service in Boston. That’s all. Now stop talking about it.
Charlotte: I just think, for your number one sh-
Leslie: I will end you.
Melanie: Boy, traveling really has gotten the better of all of you.
Leslie: I’m sorry, I guess I need a Snickers.
Paul: You guys eat enough sweets on the set.
Leslie: What, are you the nutrition police, too?
Paul: I’m just been asked to keep everyone healthy, that includes mentally and physically. No injuries, no illnesses, nothing that can interrupt this perfect season.
Leslie: Didn’t realize you were the team doctor now, but I guess you need something to do besides be our nanny.
Paul: I think all the stress has just gotten to you a bit.
Leslie: No, I think the poor behavior of everyone around me has.
Diane: Admittedly, we have been misbehaving.
Leslie: You think?
Melanie: I think I’ll go get the keys to your cars so we can all head out and get some rest at the hotel. Big day tomorrow!
Sam: It’s not that big. We’re used to this by now, it’s not like we’re nervous. We’re pros!
Melanie: Even pros get nervous sometimes.
Sam: We’re filming a baking show, not playing the Super Bow.
The next day…
Diane: Sam! Wake up! You slept in!
Sam: It’s six in the morning!
Diane: Exactly! The plan was to get up early and get the day started!
Sam: Six… it’s dark out!
Diane: That’s just because the drapes are closed!
Sam: Ah!
Diane: You were the one whining about it being dark out!
Sam: I didn’t mean you should blind me!
Diane: You should have been more specific!
Sam: Look, give me a half hour, okay? I’m sure the others aren’t getting up this early, anyway. It’s not like we’re going to be late to anything.
Diane: We went to bed so early, I figured we might as well let that translate into something productive.
Sam: How about you translate it into productivity and let me translate it into an extra hour of sleep?
Diane: Okay, I’m going to get breakfast then!
Sam: now?
Diane: Yeah, now!
Sam: Looking like that?
Diane: I look fine!
Sam: Not if TMZ gets a picture of you…
Diane: You think TMZ is inside our hotel, just waiting for a picture of us? We’re not exactly Taylor Swift or Beyonce.
Sam: We’re better than Taylor Swift. She writes songs about breakups, those last four minutes or so, you think of them occasionally when your boyfriend screws you over. We host moving, heartwarming television episodes that linger within for the rest of your life. We change lives.
Diane: Yeah, you do need some more rest. I’m heading out, I gotta beat the line.
Sam: There’s not going to be a line, it’s the middle of the night!
Diane: You are such a pessimist.
Sam: Of course I am, you’re disrupting my sleep!
Diane: I’m going.
Sam: Good!
Diane leaves and walks down the steps, tripping and falling to the bottom. She calls Leslie.
Leslie: Diane! What happened?
Diane: I tripped! It was dark, there’s no one around, I’m just glad I have my phone.
Leslie: Are you okay? Did you hit anything important?
Diane: I can’t get up. I think I landed on my ankle wrong.
Leslie: Yeah, I can see that.
Diane: What do you mean?
Leslie: Well, it’s a little, uh… twisted.
Diane: Twisted?
Leslie: You can’t feel it?
Diane: I think it’s the adrenaline masking it.
Leslie: What were you even doing up and out at this time? It’s a little past six!
Diane: I was getting breakfast. I went to bed so damn early, I felt like I might as well get up early, too.
Leslie: For what?
Diane: I don’t even know anymore, day’s ruined now!
Leslie: Yeah, I think we need to get you checked out.
Diane: No, I’m fine, really.
Leslie: Diane, your ankle is, at the very least, dislocated. You fell down the stairs, who knows if you hit your head or something. In fact, hitting your head would line up with this bizarre behavior. Waking up at six? We have a set start time, Diane! Get rest!
Diane: I wish I got it now! Sam’s gonna be so pissed when she finds out what happened!
Leslie: I think she’ll have some compassion.
Diane: You don’t know her like I do.
Leslie: I’m going to call the whole gang up and we’re all going to get you to the hospital together. In fact, maybe I should call an ambulance for you, just in case your injuries are worse than you think they are.
Diane: I tweaked my ankle, I don’t need an ambulance ride! I barely even need to go to the hospital.
Leslie: You are a stubborn old broad.
Diane: I just don’t want to ruin filming. Jacqueline doesn’t need any more reason to hate us.
Leslie: I will worry about that. Or, Paul will worry about it. Not you. This is not your fault.
Diane: It sort of is.
Leslie: I’m trying to be kind here, don’t push it.
Diane: Sorry.
Four hours later…
Doctor Granger: All right, uh… first, big fan of the show.
Diane: Oh, thank you!
Doctor Granger: Are you all here together filming?
Diane: We might be!
Doctor Granger: You know, my daughter bakes, she’d love to be on your show!
Leslie: If you give me her contact information, I can give her a call, see if she’s interested in auditioning.
Doctor Granger: Oh, that’d be great!
Sam: Some of us are hungry for breakfast, can we get to the bottom of this?
Frances: Sam! Diane is injured and you’re thinking about Eggs Benedict?
Sam: I really love Eggs Benedict.
Frances: We know, you order it every morning!
Sam: You say that like having a bit of consistency is bad…
Doctor Granger: Anyhow, Diane, the CT scan showed no sign of any trauma to your head, which is very encouraging after a tumble like you took. Your arms and wrists look shockingly good, they are usually injured while trying to stop a fall like that. The main problem, and you know this, is that left ankle. It is broken, and to a point that we will need to do surgery. We’re going to do that today, and put you in a walking boot. At your age, we are going to want to closely observe you, so we’re keeping you overnight. You’re most likely going to be good to go tomorrow morning. I am sorry this is interrupting whatever plans you all have, I’m sure it is important, especially if it’s related to the show!
Leslie: I’m just glad to know what all is going on and that she’s okay.
Diane: Overnight? Oh, man.
Sam: Yes, I got the room to myself for a night!
Garry: Okay, I could just be naive here, but the seems usually cruel to say when Diane is in this condition.
Sam: Oh, shut it!
Paul: I’m going to call Jacqueline. Obviously, this will cause a filming delay.
Frances: Good thing we intervened and changed that shooting schedule! One day delayed won’t be a big deal, we’re gonna be here all week anyway!
Paul: Somehow, your little schemes always work out.
Sam: We try.
Melanie: I think we should let Diane rest before her surgery, this is a lot to deal with.
Diane: No, don’t leave me! I’m not ready to be alone!
Doctor Granger: Surgery will be as soon as we can get an OR ready for you. Probably about an hour or two.
Diane: That’ll be fine, thank you. I need some time to think about how I got here, anyway.
Doctor Granger: I’ll leave you all alone to talk, then. Again, I’m sorry this happened to you. You may not see me again, you’ll mostly be seeing a specialist who can help you formulate a rehabilitation plan from here on out.
Diane: We’ll cross tha bridge when we get to it.
Doctor Granger: Got it!
Meanwhile, in the hallway…
Paul: Jacqueline!
Jacqueline: Why on earth are you calling me this early in the morning? Why are you calling me at all?
Paul: We have a slight issue.
Jacqueline: Already? This show is such a headache, I might need to just c-
Paul: Shut up. Actually, go ahead and cancel it, that’ll get me my job back fast!
Jacqueline: So what’s the issue?
Paul: Diane broke her ankle, she can’t film today. She’ll be good to go tomorrow.
Jacqueline: Film without her! My god, this show… it’s a business, you’re not out there pursuing your hobby! The show must go on!
Paul: Look, I did you job for years, and yes, they are difficult. They also deliver a product our viewers love. They’re a family. Diane is the heart of that show.
Jacqueline: I think the viewers might still tune in if she misses half an episode.
Paul: I’m not even bothering them with this. They’ll film tomorrow.
Jacqueline: That’s going to eat up a day of post-production! Or mess with the day set aside for promo shoots!
Paul: So be it! This team is whip-smart, they’ll figure out a way to make it work. Just let her heal.
Jacqueline: Fine. Be a bleeding heart.
Paul: At least I have a heart, even if it is bleeding!
Jacqueline: Heart doesn’t get you to the top.
Paul: Oh, I’m well aware.
Jacqueline: This better be fixed tomorrow.
Paul: It will be!
Jacqueline: You act like this would be the first promise this team’s broken.
Paul: I think you need to learn a bit about respect and gratefulness. This show has done so much for the network.
Jacqueline: I just have a mind for business, Paul. Stop making it so personal!
The next day…
Sam: Feeling better, Sparky?
Diane: I hate you.
Frances: Well, we love you!
Diane: Now you, you I love! You too, Leslie! Charlotte, most of the time.
Charlotte: I’ll take it.
Diane: Melanie all the time!
Melanie: Aww, you’re too sweet.
Garry: What about me?
Diane: Sure. Circling back to Leslie, though, I would’ve loved to not spend the last day in the hospital, so perhaps we can avoid coming here again if any other injuries shall arise.
Leslie: Still pretending you could’ve just healed that injury yourself? You make me laugh.
Diane: Now get me to the hotel for a shower and let’s get this season started!
Sam: About that…
Diane: What?
Frances: Sam, don’t mess with her.
Sam: Come on, it would’ve been funny to tell her we started filming without her!
Frances: It would not have been.
Sam: You people are no fun.
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
