Mitchell walks into the house.
Cindy: Ah, did your check from CBS finally get here?
Mitchell: Sure did!
Teri: Look at Rich Uncle Pennybags! He even walks different now that he’s got money, he struts.
Danielle: It’s unappealing.
Velma: Hey, after he bought you all Rolexes and Gucci bags and Versace dresses on Rodeo Drive, I’m the only one that gets to mock him now. Everyone else, leave the Survivor champion alone.
Alysa: I’m know I’m the last to join the family, but I was turned away from buying what I wanted, so I feel left out.
Steven: I still think we should sue.
Mitchell: Sue who? Me? You’re not getting my money! You survive 26 days in Fiji, then you can be a millionaire too!
Teri: When you put it that way, it sounds like an incredibly nice vacation.
Mitchell: I slept outside!
Teri: Velma makes you sleep outside most nights anyway!
Velma: That is true.
Steven: No, Mitchell, we’d never sue you. I meant the store.
Mitchell: Ah, good. I have a lawyer for stuff like that, I can get you in contact with him.
Alysa: I think we’re good.
Velma: Enough of you mooched off of Mitchell on that trip, this just evens it out a bit.
Mitchell: You find something you want and I’ll buy it.
Alysa: You mean it?
Mitchell: Yes. But please, keep it within reason. These other people are animals.
Cindy: I can’t hear you over the sound of my brand-new Gucci!
Teri: I didn’t realize purses spoke.
Betty: As a token of appreciation for my wonderful new Versace dress that has already left all of the HOA ladies jealous, I prepared your favorite meal for you.
Mitchell: Wow, first I don’t have to work anymore, now I get my favorite meal! I feel so special!
Danielle: He has a favorite meal? I thought every meal was his favorite?
Betty: His favorite is shepherd’s pie.
Mitchell: It absolutely is.
Betty: Just a sign of how grateful I am!
Teri: Mom, he’s not buying you any other high-fashion dresses.
Ralph: You don’t need any other expensive dresses, you’re not going to the Met Gala or anything.
Betty: You’re right, I would never wear anything as ugly as most of what they wear there.
Danielle: She has a point.
Later that night…
Velma: So, are you used to being rich yet? Has it sunk in?
Mitchell; Well, we already live in a mansion, so I’ve always had an inflated sense of wealth. Now, my bank account matches it. So that is surreal. I know my payment from Survivor was direct deposit, but I went to the bank today just to check in on the money. I’m not used to having seven figures in there, I just had to see it to believe it.
Velma: Seven figures? After taxes?
Mitchell: Well, with our savings, and that legal settlement…
Velma: We’re rich rich.
Mitchell: We are.
Velma: This is always how I saw it panning out for me. I just always believed. Now it’s true. I could cry. My wildest dreams are all coming true! Right down to the fact that it was my husband who made the money! I didn’t have to be the breadwinner for once!
Mitchell: I think we contributed equal -
Velma: Don’t.
Mitchell: We can agree to disagree.
Velma: We can not. But, moving on… you know what else I’ve always wanted to do?
Mitchell: Oh, are you in the mood for that?
Velma: Ew. No. You got your yearly allowance of that already.
Mitchell: I just thought, now that I’m rich -
Velma: That would make me a prostitute. That’s not the life for me.
Mitchell: So what’s this thing you’ve always wanted to do?
Velma: I’ve always wanted to live in Florida. We’ve never had the money to retire there, now we do.
Mitchell: You want to move to Florida?
Velma: I don’t know! I think so!
Mitchell: Our family’s here.
Velma: I think we’ve seen them enough for one lifetime, no?
Mitchell: That’s not funny!
Velma: Look, I love the family, it’s been great living with them. I just… sometimes you have to go your own way. Despite my Catholic upbringing, I’m not extremely religious, but this just feels like a sign from the big guy upstairs! We have a million dollars, it’s time to make a change!
Mitchell: Maybe he just wants us to make a change like buying a fancy new car or getting a timeshare! Why would we have to move?
Velma: If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. It is your money, after all. It’s just… it’d be nice to just retire and live at the beach and enjoy our lives, stress-free. No jobs to worry about, no money troubles ever again, no crowded house, just us.
Mitchell: Just us in a house 24/7? That’s something you want? Are you Velma?
Velma: You know most of my digs are just for show. I do, you know, love you.
Mitchell: You said that very convincingly.
Velma: I’m not the type to be mushy and sentimental, that’s cringe.
Mitchell: So you genuinely want to retire to Florida, just the two of us? Every day with only me, none of our family or friends anywhere near? That’s ideal for you?
Velma: It’s what I’ve always dreamed of. I love the beach, I want to be there. Every day, I want to walk out my back door and be able to walk straight out to the ocean. When we went to Anita’s beach house in North Carolina for the teenage shotgun wedding, and we spent there days there where I got to walk out to the ocean every morning and sip coffee and watch the sunrise, I thought to myself “this is what life should be.” I’m ready for that to be life.
Mitchell: Yeah, the teenage shotgun wedding really was life as it should be.
Velma: I think you know what I meant.
Mitchell: I know what you meant.
Velma: Why don’t you want to go to Florida? We have very little tying us down, and you love vacation.
Mitchell: I’d miss everyone, I’d miss my life here. I’m a creature of habit.
Velma: Yes, that’s the best part! Instead of lying in bed all day, you can lie on the beach all day. That’s much more socially acceptable!
Mitchell: You would be okay with that? You wouldn’t mock me for being lazy and
Velma: You won Survivor. You took home a million dollars. I don’t need you to ever work again. Mitchell: That is the most beautiful thing you have ever said to me.
Velma: I know.
Mitchell: So, how about this… we’ll go to Florida on vacation, wherever it is that you want to move. We’ll look for houses, we’ll try to get a feel of daily life there, explore the city. If we both feel comfortable and like we can life there full-time, we’ll do it.
Velma: I really appreciate this. I just sprung this on you.
Mitchell: Well, you have said it many times over the years.
Velma: Yeah, but I never imagined it would be anything more than empty talk! You’re actually prepared to go through with it!
Mitchell: It would be very nice to live a quiet, peaceful life in Florida. You know, one without ten other screaming adults in your personal space at all times.
Velma: Exactly! We’ll get a big, beautiful home just for us, and we could even go days without seeing each other! It’ll be completely different from this insane normal that we’ve become accustomed to.
Mitchell: I’m actually sort of getting excited about this. But how are we going to tell the rest of the family?
Velma: We’re not, not yet at least.
Mitchell: Okay.
Velma: Once we get back, we’ll drop the news. Not before then.
Mitchell: Sounds good to me, I love delaying breaking news that may be upsetting to some.
Velma: And yet, you popped that “Will you marry me?” question at least six months too early.
Mitchell: I was young and naive, what can I say?
One week later…
Betty: Are you two sure you got everything? You packed in such a hurry!
Velma: Yes, don’t worry about us.
Betty: I worry whenever my family’s going away. We’re all supposed to be here together.
Teri: Mom, you make us sound like a cult.
Ralph: We are sort of a cult.
Steven: Alysa, I’m so sorry that I dragged you into this… cult.
Alysa: Oh, I like it, they entertain me. I feel like I’m watching a sitcom.
Cindy: Do kids your age still watch sitcoms?
Alysa: We watch clips of them on TikTok! There used to be a really old show called Modern Family.
Velma: Okay, all right, I gotta go before she makes me feel any older than I already know I am. We’ll be back in one week, probably.
Karl: Probably?
Velma: We’re rich, we can stay another few days if we want!
Karl: Thank you for rubbing it in.
Velma: Oh, the guy with the vacation home in Maine is upset we’re flaunting our wealth?
Mitchell: Velma, back down.
Karl: No, she made a fair point.
Mitchell: She was being rude.
Teri: Oh, she’s tearing you a new one on the drive to the airport. Enjoy the ride!
Mitchell: I won’t!
Mitchell and Velma walk out the door.
Teri: Okay, so what’s going on? Who do these two think they are, going on vacation without us?
Ralph: I think they’re newly-rich people enjoying their new, work-free life of leisure.
Teri: That’s not a good enough excuse for me!
Frank: If I just won a million bucks, I’d take off on unplanned vacations, too.
Teri: And that’s why you’ll never win, Frank! That’s a loser’s mentality. You have to save it up! If you burn through it all in a few years, it’s a waste!
Karl: They just got money, one little trip to Florida that may last a few days longer than originally planned won’t break the bank.
Teri: You say that, but if they keep up the vacationing and quit their jobs, we’ll be back to hearing them both be miserable and bickering within a few years.
Danielle: Not to mention, you know, no one who’s typically responsible and frugal with their money would give their whole family a shopping spree on Rodeo Drive! I think this win has caused a bit of temporary insanity for Mitchell.
Betty: It got me my new dress, I’ll accept the insanity.
Teri: I think we may just need to intervene. Tell them they’re both letting this money go to their head and that they need to slow down the big purchases.
Karl: It’s not our money to worry about.
Jerry: Besides, say they really do blow through the entire Survivor paycheck. It won’t change anything. They were doing fine financially before. They’ll just have to go back to work, continue living here, maybe it makes them resent each other, but that’s nothing new either. Life will be just the same as it always has been. No need to intervene, they’ll figure this all out themselves.
Teri: Okay! I’d like to try and stop my cousin from making any horrible mistakes, but if you all think that’s overstepping, I’ll tay out of it.
Ralph: All right, so that’s that discussion over with. Thank god. Well, Lianne’s baby shower is tomorrow, so I have to go make food for that.
Teri: She’s still pregnant?
Ralph: I know, feels like forever, huh?
Jerry: I think we just got distracted with, you know, other pregnancy news.
Betty: Aww, I just realized Lianne and Alysa are gonna have babies so close in age! Maybe they can be friends!
Jerry: Considering the history in this family, maybe best to not introduce them until they’re off to college.
Alysa: Hey! That’s a low blow!
Jerry: Oh, Tammi, why are you crying?
Tammi: I just realized by teenage son is having a baby at the same time as the forty-year-old billionaire that lives across the street!
Steven: It’s really fine, we’re very happy.
Tammi: Well I’m not!
Teri: That’s great, so back to Mitchell and Velma…
Jerry: Haven’t we discussed this enough? Its their business.
Teri: It’s just so unlike them to not go with the rest of us!
Cindy: We all have jobs.
Teri: I could take a week off to lounge on the beaches of Florida!
Karl: Now I see what that little meltdown was about, you’re upset not to get a free vacation from them! Don’t worry, there are plenty of opportunities for that down the line, they just want one week of just the two of them, then they’ll be back.
Teri: Since when does Velma ever WANT to spend a week with Mitchell by herself?
Karl: I didn’t say it made any sense, but money makes people operate in mysterious ways.
One week later…
Velma: Okay, we’re all together again, enjoying this wonderful meal.
Betty: Yes, indeed, no need to narrate, we can just eat.
Mitchell: Cindy, thank you for having this meal prepared for us when we got home. I know you have a busy work schedule.
Jerry: Eh, not really…
Cindy: Shut up, Jerry!
Frank: Finally, someone else in this house gets told to shut up, it usually only ever happens to me.
Mitchell: Not true, it happens to me too.
Velma: Mitchell, quiet, we have something serious to discuss.
Teri: Did you blow through your money already? You were lying about Florida, you went to Vegas, didn’t you?
Velma: No, we went to Florida. We do have less money than we did when left, though.
Teri: I’m lost.
Danielle: Yeah, I gotta be honest, so am I.
Velma: This is hard.
Betty: Honey, it’s okay to admit you’ve lost your fortune. It’s happened to all of us.
Tammi: It has?
Betty: I’m trying to make her feel better!
Velma: We didn’t lose Mitchell’s prize money. We used it to buy a home in Florida.
Mitchell: Ah, now you’re got a vacation home, too! Betty, we’re not alone anymore.
Cindy: Dad, I think -
Velma: It’s always been my dream to live at the beach, to move to Florida, feel the sand in my toes every day once I retire. Finally, I have that chance, and Mitchell is happy to go along with it.
Teri: Of course he is, lounging around like a beach bum is his own version of heaven!
Betty: Are you unhappy living here with us?
Velma: Of course not, this is just my dream! Mitchell lived his dream, and now it’s allowing me to live mine.
Cindy: I’m happy for you guys. We’ll miss you terribly, but let’s be honest, this living arrangement wasn’t always going to last.
Danielle: What’ll happen to your share in the house? Do we have to buy it back from you?
Velma: Of course not! We have the money to buy this house in Florida, there’s no need to make you buy our share. Just, uh, if you ever sell it -
Their: We never will!
Velma: Give us a ring, just pay us back what we put into it. That’s all we ask.
Ralph: I call their room!
Velma: Actually, we have a request.
Ralph: Oh, come on!
Velma: Steven and Alysa have been sleeping in that little bedroom that’s the size of a kid’s room. They’re a married couple now, they’re mature and they’ll be parents. We want to give them our room, walk-in closet, attached bathroom and all, so they can turn their room into a room for the baby.
Steven: Oh gosh., that’s so generous
Alyssa: I could cry. You’ve been so kind. And I was whining about not getting anything on Rodeo Drive! This is so much better!
Mitchell: Does this mean I’m off the hook for that other gift?
Tammi: He always finds a way to ruin any moment of kindness.
Betty: We have a beautiful beach just two hours or so away. Virginia Beach is really, you know, it’s the Florida of Hampton Roads. And we wouldn’t need to fly to see you!
Velma: My dream is not to live in Virginia Beach.
Mitchell: Besides, we’ve already bought a beautiful home in Tarpon Springs.
Teri: You’re moving to place called Tampon Strings, Florida? Are you nuts?
Velma: It is, admittedly, not a great name. But it’s only an hour from Tampa, a half-0hour from Clearwater beach. I can’t walk to the beach from the house like I wanted, but those houses cost… outside the price range that Jeff Probst alone could make possible.
Mitchell: You’ve all always wanted to see Disney! We’re only two hours away! You could stay with us -
Velma: Eh…
Mitchell: And visit Disney!
Teri: That’s too far of a drive, plus, the Grand Floridian is just immaculate. But, you can come visit us when we’re down!
Velma: I promise you all, this is for the best.
Frank: I can’t believe this is our last meal together!
Danielle: Frank, they’re not moving tomorrow.
Teri: When are you moving, though?
Velma: The closing date will be in like thirty days. We’ll be out of here in forty or so. It’s a newer home, we don’t have much to do, just gotta move in. We’re going to start packing and getting ready to leave.
Teri: Oh, god. I’m gonna miss you guys. You’re insane, you make me laugh, it’s been a fun ride.
Velma: Don’t worry, we’ll be around. Just, on the other end of the phone line.
Danielle: Speaking of phones, I know you’re gonna miss that family plan discount dearly.
Velma: Parting with it may be the hardest part of this decision. It’s like losing my dearest friend.
Teri: Ahem?
Velma: Besides you, of course.
Teri: Thank you. The body’s still cold, at least wait before you bad-mouth the dead.
One month later…
Velma: All right, gang. That’s everything.
Betty: Are you sure?
Velma: I’ve checked the house six times, you’ve checked it an additional two. I’m sure.
Betty: And you don’t need us to drive down with you so you can haul everything down?
Velma: Betty…
Betty: I’m just gonna miss you guys! This is just unbelievable.
Karl: She keeps crying. She tried to swap out the calendar in the kitchen just to try to trick you into thinking it’s not July.
Velma: That’s a good one.
Jerry: You two have been absolutely unbelievable. In many ways. But it’s been a blast. Thank God for you, really. I’m so glad we got so much closer these last seven years.
Velma: Thank you, Jerry.
Mitchell: We’ll always be family.
Frank: I believe it was the great poet Bob Dylan who said “May God bless and keep you always, may your wishes all come true. May you always do for others, and let others do for you.”
Velma: I don’t really know what that means, but I think it’s sweet?
Frank: It’s how you’ve lived your life.
Danielle: Always doing for others? I know they’re leaving, but let’s not get crazy…
Frank: That’s mean!
Velma: No, she’s absolutely right. But I love the sentiment.
Karl: I think we should probably not keep you.
Velma: we don’t have anywhere to be.
Karl: Well, it’s a twelve-hour drive.
Velma: Okay, yeah, we do have to go. It’s time.
Mitchell: I need a hug from everyone!
Danielle: I’m good.
Mitchell: Come on! You’ll miss me!
Danielle: Sure.
Tammi: You’ll miss me!
Danielle: Me and you and Teri, we were the three amigos!
Teri: We always will be, maybe just in spirit for now though.
Danielle: If you ever feel the desire to retire to Florida…
Teri: No, Florida’s a dealbreaker for me, sorry. I don’t do the three Hs: hurricanes, humidity, and hardcore drugs.
Velma: Oh, Teri.
Teri: Oh, Velma.
Alysa: thank you again for the room. It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Velma: It’s certainly more thought than you two put into, you know, all this.
Cindy: She has such a marvelous way of taking a sweet moment and then turning it to instead stab you right in the gut. That will be missed.
Betty: Call us when you get there! And send pictures when you get the house set up!
Mitchell: We will, don’t worry.
Teri: I don’t mean to be overly sappy, but thank you guys for everything.
Velma: You’re welcome.
Cindy: See! There she goes again.
Velma: Really, though, we have to thank you. We didn’t have much around here until you guys started involving us, then you roped us into this, uh… how do I put this nicely? This wild idea! And for seven years, it worked so well. The memories we made in this house, I’ll never forget them. All of you will always be in my heart. Even you, Frank.
Frank: Aww, thank you.
Mitchell: Really, you’ve all been too kind.
Danielle: Not me!
Velma: one last group hug, okay?
Betty: Works for me!
Velma: All right, guys, time to let go.
Betty: just another minute!
Velma: It feels like it’s been ten already.
Betty: Because I know what happens when we let go.
Teri: Mom, it’s time to let go. Let them spread their wings and fly.
Frank: I thought they were driving?
Teri: Frank, shut up!
Betty: Okay, everyone release now.
Velma: Goodbye, everyone. We’ll be together again, one way or another, someday real soon.
Mitchell: Really, you’re all welcome anytime!
Velma: Even you, Frank.
Velma and Mitchell hop in their two cars and both drive off.
Teri: It really is the end of an era, isn’t it?
Cindy: We’ll be okay. We’ve still got each other.
What did you think of the season finale of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the season premiere of Frances in the Kitchen next week!
