Marietta walks into the mayor’s office.
Tammy: You know what day’s coming up?
Marietta: I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.
Tammy: Mitch is turning eighty!
Marietta: Oh, that’s exciting! Finally, something good’s happening around here!
Henrietta: There’s good happening around here! The city council’s finally approved all the nominations you’ve put forward, even for that yacht thing.
Amy: Which means… we have to now go back to work filling all the other vacancies. So, not a good thing.
Henrietta: Hey, we’re helping the city.
Amy: I’ve seen no irrefutable proof that this helps the city.
Tammy: We don’t need to focus on politics right now.
Amy: I mean, that’s sort of our job, no?
Tammy: God forbid women have hobbies.
Amy: I think most people expect the mayor and her staff to be working for the city when they’re in the office, particularly when they were jet-setting across the country for ten months of the last year.
Tammy: But my husband, the former president of these United States, is turning eighty! This is major news!
Amy: I’ll alert the media.
Tammy: Don’t be an ass.
Amy: If it’s going to be discussed here, then I suppose it’s official government business, and the media ought to be informed.
Tammy: You act like we’re always 100% on-task at all times.
Amy: It’s very concerning how rare it is that we are.
Henrietta: And yet, even with that work ethic, she was almost president. She’s doing something right.
Marietta: I believe, as the kids say, I have “rizz.”
Amy: So, Tammy, what about your husband’s birthday do you want to discuss?
Tammy: We’re throwing him a surprise party!
Marietta: A surprise party? For Mitch? The man who notoriously hates surprises?
Tammy: An October Surprise is much different than a surprise birthday party!
Amy: Mitch isn’t necessarily the cheeriest, happier guy.
Tammy: Excuse me?
Amy: I like him, he’s a good guy, he was a great president, I genuinely can not believe he’s in my social circle. But he’s a social guy, he’s certainly no party animal.
Tammy: It’s his birthday! I’m certainly throwing him a birthday party.
Marietta: Of course, I just don’t know if making it a surprise is the wisest of ideas.
Henrietta: I don’t want to sound ageist, but he is going to be eighty. Is it safe to surprise someone his age?
Tammy: I don’t think a surprise party will kill him, if that’s what you’re asking.
Henrietta: I’m not… exactly saying that. I just think, maybe he should know what he’s getting into.
Marietta: I would agree with that. I’m not gonna be responsible for causing a president to have a stroke.
Tammy: You have such a dark mind!
Marietta: I work in politics, you need a dark mind.
Tammy: You do all have a point. Not about killing him, he’s not some frail old man.
Amy: Well..
Tammy: I shouldn’t spur this on him at the last moment. I’ll let him know we’re having a party. That’ll be easier on me, too. We can fly in some of his old pals and the kids, and I don’t have to hide them all from him or worry he’ll bump into them at the store or something.
Henrietta: Do you need our help planning the party?
Tammy: Not yet. I want to call everyone that I need to be there, see what day it works best for them. Then, once we have a date, we’ll get the planning done. I’ll do that all tonight. So tomorrow, get ready, because this is turning into a party planning committee!
Marietta: I was months away from the presidency. I’m now planning a party for an old man.
Tammy: That old man was our nation’s president!
Marietta: I’ve still been demoted to party-planner.
Amy: Hey, it’s better than spending your whole day trying to pick out the next Secretary of the New Orleans Audubon Commission.
Marietta: What even is that? Is that something about birds?
Amy: Nobody knows.
Later that night, when Tammy arrives home…
Tammy: And how are you?
Mitch: Oh, sorry dear, I was distracted by my book.
Tammy: What are you reading, something thought-provoking and deep?
Mitch: The new Hunger Games book.
Tammy: You read the Hunger Games?
Mitch: Young adult fiction can be very mentally stimulating. Lord knows I need some mental stimulation right now, I need something to distract me from what’s happening in a few short weeks.
Tammy: Why, what’s happening?
Mitch: You know.
Tammy: No, I don’t. Tell me.
Mitch: My birthday.
Tammy: Your birthday? Why would you need any distraction from your birthday?
Mitch: I’m turning eighty! I’m nearing the end. That’s led to a sort of existential crisis.
Tammy: You’re not nearing the end.
Mitch: Unless they find a way to keep me around until I’m 160, I’m closer to the end than the beginning.
Tammy: You’re very healthy, and you’re a former president, you have access to the best healthcare in the country. You’ll be around a long time! This is a momentous occasion! Making eighty is an achievement, think of all the people who didn’t make it this far.
Mitch: See that’s the thing. You say it’s an achievement to make it “this far,” then you also say I’ll be around a long time. Forgive me for being a bit confused.
Tammy: I just don’t want you moping about this. No one knows how long we’ve got left, look at Martin. He was fine one day, gone the next. Still being here year in and year out is worth celebrating, not bemoaning. Don’t fear a birthday, embrace it!
Mitch: I won’t mope, I certainly won’t bemoan still being here. I just prefer not to think of my age. When I do, I can’t help but stress about all that comes with it. So I’d rather not make a big fuss about my birthday.
Tammy: Oh, of course not. It is your birthday, after all.
Mitch: I’m so glad you understand. I know you’re usually so gung-ho about a big celebration, so I hope I’m not throwing a wrench in any plans.
Tammy: Nope, not at all.
Mitch: I’m actually quite surprised! It’s very unlike you! Maybe, at long last, you’ve finally accepted my preference to not throw a massive celebration for every special occasion.
Tammy: Yup! I’ve just come to know you so well!
Mitch: We’ll just spend the day together, that’s all I want. Maybe a special dinner - no cake.
Tammy: But cake is the best part of a birthday!
Mitch: Okay, you can have cake, maybe a slice from a fancy restaurant. Just not a whole birthday cake. If you get me one of those giant ones from Walmart with my name on it and “8-0” candles pressed into it, I’ll feel quite blindsided.
Tammy: You have no reason to fear!
Mitch: Oh, I have many reasons to fear.
Tammy: I’m sorry to tell you this, though this would be a positive to most sane people: regardless of your plan to ignore your birthday and eschew any celebration, I must get you a gift. It’s already purchased, it’s grand, it’s all I ask.
Mitch: I’ll accept that. I’ve taken so much else from you, that’s the least I can do.
Tammy: I think this is all going to work out perfect!
Mitch: Me too! Oh, I feel much better!
Tammy: Now you get back to your book, I’m gonna go make some dinner.
Mitch: I’ve already eaten, dear. It is seven o’clock.
Tammy: Marietta, you know, she works us hard.
Mitch: Oh, I’m sure.
Tammy: She does!
Mitch: I don’t doubt you work hard. I do doubt it’s at Marietta’s demand.
Tammy: She’s a much harder worker than people give her credit for!
Mitch: She’s far from a dictator, though. You, however…
Tammy: Oh! I’m just the chief of staff! I don’t have that power!
Mitch: Tammy, you forget I worked in the government. The chief of staff practically has more power than the executive! My White House Chief of Staff made me do so much that I never wanted to do.
Tammy: Exactly why I’d have never let Marietta give that job to Amy!
The next day…
Henrietta: Tammy’s here! Party time!
Amy: I’ve been looking forward to this, it’ll be nice to not have a day of cutting ribbons and sifting through prospective candidates for positions no one cares about.
Henrietta: You were right about how concerning it is that we dread doing the actual responsibilities our jobs entail.
Tammy: Small change of plans, gang.
Henrietta: How small?
Amy: And should we be waiting for Marietta?
Tammy: No, it’s her own fault she’s not here. And it’s a very small change! It won’t even really affect us today, it just changes things a bit down the line.
Amy: Okay…
Tammy: It’s gonna be a surprise party.
Amy: Did we not just talk about this yesterday?
Henrietta: Did you tell him your plans and he said no?
Tammy: Not exactly!
Henrietta: What did he say?
Marietta: Hey, ladies! What’d I miss? I hope you didn’t make the guest list yet, I have suggestions.
Amy: It’s a surprise party again, we’re trying to get to the bottom of why.
Marietta: I think it’s obviously.
Tammy: I don’t think so!
Marietta: Okay, then tell us.
Tammy: Look, I just think it would be better to make it a surprise.
Henrietta: That wasn’t the story a minute ago. You implied Mitch said something to change your mind.
Tammy: Well, he did. He said “boy, I love a good surprise.” I knew right then and there -
Marietta: I know right then and there that you’re lying.
Tammy: Okay, fine, he doesn’t want a party.
Marietta: That’s a shock.
Amy: But you still want to give him one?
Tammy: I think I know what’s best for my own husband.
Henrietta: Famous last words!
Tammy: He says he doesn’t want a reminder that he’s turning eighty. I know him, he’ll regret it down the line. It’s a momentous occasion, he’ll want to celebrate it with those he loves the most, looking back at his incredible life, grateful for all of the blessings he’s experienced.
Amy: Or would you regret it down the line?
Tammy: Amy, I don’t even think he’s considered how special this day is. He’s being short-sighted, I’m looking at the big picture.
Henrietta: Is he going to yell at us if we throw him a part?
Tammy: He would never!
Marietta: Oh, he absolutely would.
Henrietta: I was going to say, he can be bit of a… curmudgeon.
Tammy: Take that back!
Henrietta: We all can be!
Amy: Him especially.
Tammy: That’s my husband you’re talking about.
Marietta: But, you see, we’re the ones most interested in respecting his wishes.
Tammy: That’s not true!
Amy: You are openly saying you don’t care about what he said he wants because you know better!
Tammy: I do! It’s why I’m a good wife!
Henrietta: The Good Wife, now that was a show.
Amy: I liked The Good Fight, Christine Baranski was just perfect.
Marietta: Elsbeth is my favorite. What a fun lady.
Tammy: Ladies! We’re planning a party, not reminiscing about the Good Wife universe!
Marietta: But SHOULD we be planning a party? That is the question.
Tammy: Stop bullying me!
Amy: I think we have to just give in, she’s gonna be so annoying if we don’t.
Marietta: That’’s true.
Tammy: I knew I’d wear you all down!
Two weeks later…
Tammy: Marietta, is everyone just about there?
Marietta: Pretty much. The kids are here, the rest of the family’s here, just waiting on Kyle and Maria.
Tammy: And they’re your kids, so they don’e need to get there before we do. I’ll tell the old man we’re going out to dinner.
Marietta: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Tammy: I think it’s a little late to reconsider, no?
Marietta: Perhaps, the family would certainly be confused to be taken back to the airport, but Mitch hasn’t found out about it just yet.
Patty Lynn: Hey, Marietta… is that the former President over there?
Marietta: Yes, that’s Jack Faherty. You know, dad’s former boss.
Patty Lynn: Ah, right! I forgot he worked under a Republican for a few months.
Kathleen: It was a different time, they actually asked him to stick around during the transitionary period to avoid tumult. That’d never happen today!
Marietta: Mom, you do know Mitch is a former president too, right?
Patty Lynn: Of course I do!
Marietta: Yeah, well that makes way for some big-name guests.
Moira: Is that George Clooney?
Marietta: Yes, he’s an old pal of Tammy’s, now let me get back to my phone call. Tammy, you still there?
Tammy: Yep, still waiting for him to get out of the bathroom.
Marietta: TMI!
Tammy: Oh come on, we all pee. And sometimes, when we get older, it takes quite a while!
Patty Lynn: Oh, tell me about it.
Tammy: Am I on speakerphone?
Marietta: I’m old, my ears don’t work like they used to, and Henrietta’s blasting music.
Milton: Yes, I am the dancing queen!
Moira: Dancing king, honey.
Milton: That’s not how the song goes!
Kathleen: Don’t worry, Moira, he’s not going to remember any of this tomorrow.
Moira: I can’t believe my husband is absolutely smashed at a party for a former president, attended by Hollywood superstars and other presidents. This is so embarrassing.
Marietta: Imagine being him!
Tammy: Okay, I think I’m going to go. I’ve got the go-ahead, and I need to check on Mitch and make sure he didn’t fall asleep standing up or something. I’ll see you all later.
Marietta: See you!
Marietta hangs up.
Amy: So we all agree this party’s going to be a disaster, right?
Kate: I think it’s a nice party!
Marietta: Oh, you don’t know the backstory.
Ellie: Mitch hates parties.
Kate: He won’t hate this one!
Marietta: Oh, he will.
Amy: He asked Tammy not to throw a party. Tammy knew better and decided to go ahead with… this. He still doesn’t think he’s going to have a party. So he’s gonna be real surprised, and real unhappy.
Ellie: But on the plus side, there’s a chocolate fountain!
Kate: I think he’ll appreciate the effort that went into it.
Marietta: You don’t know Mitch like we go.
Kate: Clooney flew in for this! He’ll at least admire the effort.
Moira: Also, Countess Luann is here for some reason.
Marietta: That’s good, someone will be a bigger drunken mess than Milton tonight.
Patty Lynn: I’m enjoying the party, at least.
Kathleen: Well, that’s what really matters. Not if Mitch wants the party, but if his wife’s friend’s mom does.
Ellie: I also feel like, frankly, a lot of Marietta’s friends and family are here, when they don’t really need to be.
Marietta: Excuse me?
Kathleen: You better not be talking about me.
Ellie: I mean, Moira… you just joined the family.
Moira: I’m friends with him! We commiserate over being married to insane people!
Patty Lynn: My son is not insane!
Milton (singing, badly): Gimme, gimme, gimme a man after midnight!
Patty Lynn: He’s just having fun.
Kate: Why is she playing so much ABBA?
Amy: Because they’re the voices of a generation.
Marietta: They were Amy’s pick.
Amy: When I think oldies music, I think ABBA, the greatest band of all time.
Kate: Maybe someone can play The Beatles eventually.
Ellie: I think I saw Paul McCartney here, might as well just ask him to play Hey Jude.
Kate: Come on, it’s not the Beatles without Ringo.
Ellie: There’s a sentence never before spoken.
Marietta: Okay, gang, Tammy texted and they are on their way! Reminder, everyone shout “Surprise!” When they walk in!
Ellie: I think we all understand how this works. It’s not my first surprise party, I know it’s not Clooney’s, either.
Kathleen: Pat, you’re the reason she had to give a reminder. “Surprise!” It’s all you have to say.
Patty Lynn: I am aware!
Kathleen: You never know with you.
Fifteen minutes later…
Marietta: They’re here!
Tammy: Oh, it’s a swanky new restaurant, you’re gonna love it.
Mitch: Are you… sure?
Tammy: Yes! It’s got great reviews!
Mitch: It doesn’t even have a sign out front!
Tammy: That’s to help it look exclusive!
Crowd: SURPRISE!
Mitch: Oh my god.
Henrietta: Did we kill him?
Mitch: I’m fine. I think.
Marietta: Are you surprised?
Mitch: Mildly!
Tammy: Happy birthday, honey! I knew you wouldn’t want to pass this day without celebrating it!
Mitch: I knew you’d fall into my trap.
Tammy: I what?
Mitch: I knew I had to really sell it that I don’t want a party, and the harder I sold it, the more you’d want to throw one.
Tammy: You tricked me? You, Mitch Yarborough, wanted a party?
Mitch: Yes!
Marietta: You could’ve just said that, she’d have gladly done it.
Mitch: I know, but I wanted it to be a surprise! I wanted no details, I didn’t want to give any input on it, I needed it to all be entirely, wholly, 100% Tammy’s vision. And it’s beautiful! Selfishly, too, I knew she’d really go all-out if she thought I didn’t want it, to try to convince me that I did want it after all and that throwing the party wasn’t a bad idea.
Tammy: So you even lied about being sad to turn eighty?
Mitch: I’m the fittest eighty year old I’ve ever known. Bring on my eighties, I’m beyond ready for them!
Ellie: I knew you wanted this!
Kate: Oh, shut up.
Tammy: Thank god I never listen to Amy! She said it was foolish of me to not obey your wishes!
Amy: I was trying to be respectful!
Tammy: What a loser!
Amy: I get no respect…
Marietta: Come on, Rodney Dangerfield, let’s go get you a drink.
Amy: I like her much better when she’s drunk!
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!
