Teri: I’m going to the mailbox, anyone have anything to mail before I go?
Frank: I have to write a check out!
Teri: I’m not waiting that long, you can walk it down yourself. You could use the exercise anyway.
Frank: That was mean.
Teri: So is forcing me to hear the sound of your voice.
Danielle: Here, I have a card to mail to my sister.
Teri: See, Frank? The envelope’s addressed, stamped, sealed and ready to go.
Frank: I’m not a simpleton!
Teri: Too easy.
Jerry: I ordered a new hat that’s supposed to be here today, it better be in that mailbox.
Ralph: It would be heartbreaking if it weren’t in there. That would mean we’d have to hear about it for another day!
Jerry: It would be! I’m not about to get screwed out of my $40.
Velma: $40 for a hat?
Danielle: Does anyone still wear a hat?
Betty: I’m supposed to get my catalogue today, too.
Cindy: Your catalogue?
Karl: Don’t get her started on her catalogue. I’ve never seen someone buy so much useless junk in my life.
Betty: It’s not useless, and its not junk! It’s quality art and decor!
Karl: It’s junk.
Betty: Look around at this home. Look at my beautiful trinkets. Tell me they’re junk!
Karl: I think we’re all allowed to have differing opinions.
Jerry: Heck yeah! Free speech!
Ralph: Ugh, cringe.
Teri: Okay, mail’s here. Mom’s catalogue!
Betty: I can’t wait to find new treasures!
Karl: New horrors.
Teri: Velma, your pool magazine.
Velma: Almost that time!
Teri: Mitchell, a letter from Jeff Prosbt?
Mitchell: My invite to the reunion!
Alysa: What reunion?
Steven: Alysa, don’t get him started.
Mitchell: Well, I’m on Survivor right now. Final six, baby!
Teri: Alysa, your - wow, you’re getting mail here already?
Alysa: I work fast.
Danielle: We know.
Teri: Well, I think you got some sorta pregnancy-related mail.
Alysa: My parenting books.
Betty: You don’t need parenting books, you have us!
Tammi: I think that’s why she ordered them.
Cindy: Oh, as if those books know how to deal with teen pregnancy and parenthood better than us!
Teri: Jerry, a package for you.
Frank: That’s what she said!
Teri: FRANK!
Ralph: That didn’t even make any sense.
Jerry: Finally, my new hat’s here.
Ralph: How could anyone know you love Jesus without a hat that says it?
Jerry: It’s a Nationals hat, Ralph.
Ralph: The National? Did Taylor Swift introduce you to their music?
Jerry: The baseball team!
Ralph: Ah, I don’t do sports.
Cindy: You like Caitlin Clark.
Ralph: Yeah, but only because people are finally talking non-stop about an athlete who isn’t a man.
Danielle: Ralph is such a good feminist.
Teri: And finally, a letter for Mr. & Mrs. Howerton from the PTA. Here ya go, Tammi.
Frank: Why don’t I get to read it.
Teri: There are two names on there, I gave it to the person I like. That’s all there is to that.
Frank: That wasn’t a very nice way to put that.
Ralph: Were you expecting her to be nice?
Tammi: I wanna know what the PTA’s writing me about. I’m not on the PTA!
Teri: I… I can’t say I don’t have my suspicions.
Tammi: Care to elaborate?
Teri points at Alysa’s stomach.
Tammi: Oh boy.
Alysa: What?
Steven: I think they’ve taken notice to the stomach, dear.
Tammi: And the name change.
Alysa: What stomach?
Steven: You’re showing just a bit. You know, gym class and all that. And the vomiting. People are talking.
Teri: Ah, honeymoon’s over!
Steven: No! No!
Alysa: Maybe.
Mitchell: It’s okay, Steven, it’s good to get used to it early. You’ve got… sixty, seventy years of this? Good luck.
Velma: It’ll be impossible for her to reach my level of disdain.
Mitchell: Not a smart way to speak about a Survivor semifinalist!
Danielle: The guy makes the final six on one 26-day season of Survivor and he thinks he’s Boston Rob.
Frank: I love Boston Rob!
Betty: I’ve met Boston Rob, checkmate!
Teri: Okay, we’re not doing this again, we already heard this story..
Mitchell: Unlike Boston Rob, I made the merge on my first season.
Velma: But Boston Rob’s won, and that’s the key difference.
Mitchell: You never know!
Velma: Oh, I know.
Tammi: You have got to be kidding me!
Teri: What?
Tammi: The gall of these people!
Teri: Oh boy.
Betty: What’s going on? You look concerned reading that letter.
Tammi: I have reason to be. The PTA does not think I’m a good mom, or that Frank’s a good dad, and they believe Steven and Alysa are a bad influence on other students and should be expelled.
Alysa: They want us expelled?
Steven: They don’t have any say in that, right?
Tammi: They have some say, or else they wouldn’t exist at all.
Steven: Are we going to be expelled for this? That would be ridiculous, this is none of their business.
Cindy: Honey, trust me, I have pull in the district, much more than these people. I’ll talk to your principal and defend you both if these people so much as try to get you expelled for your own personal business.
Teri: The PTA, much like the HOA, is a bunch of nosy busybodies looking to annoy everyone and make their lives more miserable. This is none of their concern, they can screw off.
Betty: Who on that PTA had the nerve to criticize your parenting?
Tammi: It’s signed Jenny Campbell, secretary, Greater Lakey High PTA.
Betty: I think Jenny Campbell’s earned herself a visit from successful local businesswoman Betty Bellwood and her friend, congresswoman and our next governor, Alicia Spanheim.
Tammi: We are not going to Jenny Campbell’s house, we are not involving our congresswoman, and we are not responding to this. Whatever they want to say, let them say it. I’m not letting them get to me.
Jerry: This is none of their business. You don’t need to worry about them.
Frank: Who are they to criticize us? Do they think we think this is ideal? Heck no! But you roll with the changes, like REO Speedwagon says.
Teri: REO Speedwagon? That’s who you turn to for philosophy?
Danielle: They’re who I turn to. Them and .38 Special. Sometimes, you just have to hold on loosely.
Teri: What does that even mean?
Danielle: Nobody knows.
Alysa: So we’re not getting expelled?
Cindy: Not on my watch. In fact, I’m going to try to get these desperate housewives on the PTA to apologize to all of you. This is not an acceptable letter to send to a parent or about any students.
Frank: Isn’t there a country song about this?
Karl: This is just a little Peyton Place, and you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites!
Frank: Where’s Harper Valley? And why’re we hypocrites?
Karl: The song, Frank. It’s Harper Valley PTA. Although, the parent was the one acting up in that one.
Frank: Well, I did nothing wrong.
Tammi: Neither did I!
Steven: Neither did we!
Tammi: Ah… that’s debatable.
Steven: We are starting a beautiful life together.
Cindy: It could’ve waited another five to ten years, if we’re being honest.
Steven: You’re not one to talk! Neither are you, mom.
Teri: He got you there.
Tammi: What I want to know is why WE got this letter and Anita didn’t.
Alysa: Well, people are too scared to confront her.
Betty: Not me!
Karl: Oh, there’s plenty you’re too afraid to say to her, you always give me the greatest hits when I’m in bed trying to fall asleep.
Betty: Sometimes, to keep the peace, you have to hold back some of your most piercing, witty insults.
One hour later..
Teri: Oh, a knock at the door, because what this family needs right now is a visitor!
Danielle: I’ll get it.
Velma: It’s probably the PTA here to perform a citizen’s arrest.
Jerry: I have a gun, I’ll protect you.
Teri: Oh, you all have guns, it’s like living with the cast of Law & Order: SVU.
Danielle opens the door.
Anita: Where’s Tammi?
Danielle: Hello, Anita. Welcome to our home, Anita! Lovely to see you, Anita!
Anita: There’s nothing lovely about this.
Betty: You can say that again.
Tammi: Hi, Anita!
Anita: Alysa!
Alysa: Yes, mother?
Anita: Where’s that husband of yours?
Danielle: Correct me if I’m wrong, she only mentioned wanting to see Tammi, no?
Teri: She seems upset, probably just hard to clearly express your thoughts when you’re filled with such blinding rage.
Velma: But that’s her default setting.
Anita: Did you get a letter?
Tammi: A letter? I don’t know what you could ever possibly mean.
Anita: From the PTA.
Tammi: Oh, I’ll have to look, I don’t ever read my mai - of course I got it! The nerve of these people!
Alysa: Are they going to kick us out of school?
Cindy: I already said, do not worry. I have sway in this district! I’m the middle school principal!
Anita: Yeah, we’re not relying on that. Tammi, the PTA’s meeting tomorrow. I’ve already spoken to Lianne, she’s getting dirt on these PTA hypocrites. Some of them have to be, you know… deviants. Especially that Jenny Campbell. Someone entrenched enough in the PTA to become their secretary can’t be any good.
Tammi: Excuse me, what?
Anita: If they’re going to call us bad parents because of this… situation, I’m going to use every tool at my disposal to expose them for being a bunch of hypocrites who, by their own definition, are also bad parents.
Tammi: Anita, that is, pardon me, absolutely psychotic.
Anita: You fight fire with fire!
Tammi: You have Lianne spying on members of the PTA! That’s not a normal thing to do!
Anita: NO, I don’t Lianne doing it! She’s a pregnant billionaire! I have her staff doing it!
Tammi: That is not better! My concern was not that you had Lianne doing it, it was that you’re spying on the PTA!
Anita: It’s not spying, we don’t have time to spy. They’re just digging up dirt. We can’t let them get away with slander!
Michell: Can I play devil’s advocate here?
Velma: No.
Mitchell: Is it really slander when what they said is mostly a collection of facts and their own opinion? Alysa is pregnant, Steven and Alysa are married now, and they disapprove of that and blame the two of you. It’s not very nice, but is it slander?
Anita: I want to kill him.
Tammi: We all do, that’s a very normal reaction to him.
Anita: I have been a wonderful mother to Alysa. Alysa’s a good girl, these two made a few stupid mistakes that many teenagers make, and that’s no one’s business but their own, and ours. The PTA needs to mind their own business.
Betty: I have to say, Anita, it’s very unusual to see our resident HOA president crowing that anyone else should mind their own business.
Anita: That’s different! The HOA enforces a strict set of guidelines. These freaks are overstepping their authority to bully students and their parents.
Teri: I mean… many people would also say the HOA does that.
Anita: We don’t!
Tammi: I was hoping to just ignore this issue and let it sort itself out. They won’t obsess over this forever.
Anita: Ignoring it won’t fix it. The problem is that they felt comfortable writing this nonsense to us, they felt comfortable judging us.
Betty: Many people judge you, Anita.
Karl: It is, indeed, Betty’s favorite activity.
Anita: We need to push back and show these freaks who’s boss! They won’t leave our kids alone for the last year and a month that they’ll be in school!
Tammi: All right, you’ve convinced me. Time to play hardball.
Cindy: Again, I will make sure the PTA leaves them alone, there is no need for blackmail and a public spectacle.
Anita: Cindy, I was made for public spectacle.
Betty: For perhaps the first time ever, she isn’t wrong about something. She is a public spectacle.
The next day…
Tammi: I guess it’s go time.
Anita: Oh boy, is it ever!
Tammi: Did you find something?
Anita: Just follow my lead, what’s written on the paper.
Alysa: I’m scared.
Steven: I’m quite familiar with your mom, from many years of her having a blood feud with my grandma. You should be scared.
Betty: I’m just here to watch. However this goes, it’s going to be very entertaining. Maybe even more so if it backfires on Anita, as bad as that would be for those that I care about.
Steven: Thank you for the support, grandma.
Betty: Any time!
Thirty minutes later…
Francie Schiffer (Greater Laker High PTA President): And one last order of business, Ms. Anita DeFleur and Mrs. Tamara Howerton are here to respond to a recent advisory notice sent to them in regards to their children’s inappropriate behavior that we fear has a negative influence on other students. Ladies, the floor’s yours.
Anita: All right, let’s get to business. You nosy, rude, unhinged lunatics sent us letters threatening to try to get our children suspended over a personal family matter, then launched into attacks at both of us for our parenting styles, because apparently, your children are perfect and would never possibly influence other students negatively. I will agree with you that this is far from how I expected my daughter’s path in life to go, and I think Tammi would agree, but this is none of your business. Our children are seventeen years old. Do you think they’re the only students in this school that are sexually active? I don’t! That’s a fantasy! What happened was irresponsible, but it’s none of your business, and I resent the idea that we are bad parents because Alysa happens to be pregnant. It’s a family matter, and it concerns none of you.
Francie: I have to say, they’re seen at school every day, and when that happens, it undoubtedly influences other students. It makes them think this sort of thing is acceptable, and it surely is not!
Anita: You can feel however you want about it, but my daughter is not, and these words are very hard for me to say, so bear with me: the first pregnant teenager at a school. She won’t be the last. So why are you crucifying us? In fact, if you’ll stick with me here… Tammi?
Tammi: Francie Schiffer, PTA President, arrested five times for DUI -
Francie: That’s not - how did you get that? That’s private!
Tammi: So is our parenting and our children’s pregnancy.
Anita: Hank Kilroy, PTA vice president, he’s got his own alcohol problems, he’s been going to AA for the last five years, after his wife left him for cheating on her with his secretary. Ooh!
Hank: That’s supposed to be anonymous!
Tammi: Marcia Culvin, PTA treasurer… remember her dog? Well, so does another family, because she apparently stole it from them while on vacation in Vermont!
Francie: What are you doing?
Anita: We all love dirty laundry, no? Or is it only fair game when you’re not on the PTA.
Francie: This is no way of getting us on your side.
Anita: Speaking of being on each others’ side, Michelle Fredericks and Arthur Donnelly! I’m sure your spouses would love to hear what’s been going on during your private office meetings!
Michelle: How do you know all this?
Arthur: Nothing has gone on!
Michelle: Nothing? I’ll remember that!
Tammi: Andrea Melman, just a lowly PTA member, but also a terrible mother, because her son apparently sells meth!
Andrea: That has not been proven!
Anita: We can actually turn it back to Francie! Your daughter is a regular patient of one Planned P-
Francie: Don’t even!
Anita: oh, let me finish!
Francie: This is enough!
Anita: Wait, I did’t get to the kicker! Jenny Campbell, PTA secretary, she claims she’s forty, she’s actually 32. You must be asking why a woman would claim to be older than she is! Her daughter Penny - yes, Penny and Jenny - is a sophomore this year, so Jenny was just sixteen when she had Penny, explaining the juvenile rhyming name. The woman who signed these “advisory notices” is guilty of the very action she condemned! You are all hypocritical disasters!
Jenny: They lie!
Anita: Your birth certificate does not!
Francie: What is the goal here?
Anita: Exposing hypocrisy and ending this crusade. Withdraw your words, stop threatening our children with expulsion, and leave them alone for good.
Francie: If you promise not to spread any of that gossip outside this room, then done.
Anita: You got a deal, lovely doing busy with you!
Betty: This is the first time I’ve ever respected her. That was beautiful.
Anita: Tammi, we make quite the team
Tammi: I’m very scared that I’m turning into you, but that was a lot of fun! The look on their faces!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode next week!
