Our House Season 6, Episode 5
Tammi and Steven walk into the house.
Tammi: Grandma, can we talk privately?
Teri: Big Brother was last week, you don’t need to do the private chats anymore.
Tammi: This is even more serious.
Teri: I’m listening.
Tammi: Yeah, that’s the problem.
Teri: Huh?
Ralph: See, I think what she’s getting at is -
Betty: She’s saying to buzz off, Teri.
Teri: Wow!
Tammi: She’s not wrong. It’s a private issue.
Teri: What did Frank do now?
Ralph: You just don’t listen.
Teri: I do so!
Tammi: Grandma, let’s go to the basement.
Ralph: Look! You’ve driven them to the basement! The basement!
Teri: That doesn’t mean anything. The acoustics are good down there.
Ralph: You sound as delusional as mom right now!
Karl: Uncalled for!
Ralph: No, no it was not.
In the basement…
Tammi: I have to ask you something about Thanksgiving.
Betty: That’s it? I thought it was something serious. Do you want me to make green bean casserole, is that what it is? No one else likes it, but I know you do and I am willing to make it for you.
Tammi: That’s not it, but I do appreciate the offer.
Betty: Corn casserole?
Tammi: No.
Betty: Mac and cheese?
Tammi: It’s not a food request! But I would like to request mac and cheese if I could.
Betty: Done.
Tammi: Steven wants to spend Thanksgiving with Alysa.
Betty: She is welcome to come.
Tammi: We can’t invite her alone. It’s a long-shot they’d show at all, we know how Anita is, but we’d have to invite the entire family.
Betty: Her father, whose name escapes me, is more than welcome to come. Anita is not.
Tammi: We can’t invite everyone but Anita, that’d be insane.
Betty: Then call me insane, because I’m not ruining my holiday by having that creature in my house for the holiday!
Tammi: It’s not like it’s Christmas, it’s just Thanksgiving! Arguing is a key tenet of Thanksgiving!
Betty: Not in our house! We love Thanksgiving!
Tammi: Do we?
Betty: Yes!
Tammi: The women always make all the food, then do the cleanup, and we bond over how annoying we find the men, because grandpa is the only one who ever helps clean up.
Betty: And it’s an amazing exercise in feminism! Anita would ruin it! She’s not coming, end of discussion!
Tammi: What if I told you Steven already invited Alysa?
Betty: She is allowed to come! Her mother isn’t!
Tammi: We’re going in circles.
Betty: Not my fault!
Meanwhile, upstairs…
Cindy: What are they saying?
Teri: I don’t know, it’s loud, but muffled.
Ralph: He knows something.
Steven: What? Me?
Ralph: Oh, yeah. You. Look at that face. I know that look.
Steven: What look?
Jerry: Like you did something wrong and you don’t want anyone to find out.
Steven: I’m innocent!
Jerry: We all know better than that.
Cindy: Everyone, leave him alone. I’m sure it’s n-
The basement door flies open.
Teri: Ouch!
Cindy: I love your sense of humor, big guy upstairs. She earned that one.
Betty: I can’t believe you expect me to invite Anita into this house for Thanksgiving! Are you out of your mind?
Tammi: It was a request, you said no, let’s move on.
Teri: Oh my god, no wonder the kid looked like he crapped his pants. I can’t believe this house is even standing anymore after Tammi asked that.
Steven: I don’t understand why you even hat-
Cindy: If you don’t want to be homeless, you’ll stop right there.
Steven: You don’t even know wha-
Cindy: It doesn’t matter. Just quit while you’re ahead.
Karl: Can we all just relax? Anita wasn’t asked, she isn’t coming, there was no harm done here. We can all move on and not worry about this anymore. I promise you, this is nothing.
Betty: Don’t tell me it’s nothing! My mortal enemy in my house on my favorite holiday?
Karl: She’s not coming!
Ralph: Since when is Thanksgiving your favorite holiday?
Cindy: Every holiday is her favorite.
Betty: Not Columbus Day! He’s a colonizer!
Cindy: We know you watch MSNBC, you don’t have to remind us constantly.
Ralph: Proud of you, mom! After seventy years, she finally knows Christopher Columbus was evil. Better late than never.
Frank: Why is Christopher Columbus catching strays?
Teri: Shut up, Frank!
Ralph: What a great response to that nonsense.
Tammi: She’s not coming, I won’t ever ask her, I apologize for even bringing up the idea, let’s move on.
Karl: Betty… I think that’s fair, no?
Betty: Fine, sure, whatever.
Karl: Ah, good, we can move on! No one wanted this war to wage on all day.
Ralph: I did, I think it’s hilarious!
The next week, at Anita’s…
Anita: Alysa! What did you do?
Alysa: What do you mean?
Anita: There’s a turkey on our counter.
Alysa: A live turkey?
Anita: “A live turkey?” No! The dead one, from the grocery store!
Alysa: I’m watching the parade, mom, stop.
Anita: This is a real problem! You can pause the parade, Hoda Kotb can wait!
Alysa: I’m barely even awake. Why does this matter?
Anita: Our turkey was left to sit on our counter overnight. I didn’t put it there!
Alysa: I saw you put it there. You said “Alysa, I’m setting this out to thaw, don’t let me forget.” Well, I forgot.
Anita: I would never s- oh, I did. We were watching SNL.
Alysa: This is Rachel Dratch’s fault, not mine.
Anita: You let me forget!
Alysa: You made me go to bed early on a non-school night! We’re both at fault here!
Anita: What the hell are we going to do without a turkey? We have ten people coming expecting turkey!
Alysa: Turkey for me, turkey for you -
Anita: Stop it! This is serious!
Alysa: We have ham.
Anita: Who eats ham as a main dish on Thanksgiving?
Alysa: Just go buy a new turkey!
Anita: It’s not that easy! They’ll be sold out!
Alysa: I have an idea. You won’t like it, but I have one.
Anita: Anything, I don’t care. As long as it doesn’t involve ham as a main course!
Alysa: Seven invited me to his family’s Thanksgiving. Obviously, that invitation extends to you and dad as well. It’s not traditional, but we can go there.
Anita: Are you joking?
Alysa: You said any idea.
Anita: Not one that involves me spending the day with Betty Bellwood!
Alysa: Stop being so stubborn. We’re in a bind, this will get us out.
Anita: And our relatives?
Alysa: They’ll be fine staying home. At least we get a good meal.
Anita: Ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but fine. Everything I made, though, I’m keeping for leftovers.
Alysa: You have to bring something, it’d be rude not to.
Anita: I’ll take the green bean casserole, that crap is gross and only your aunt Bethany likes it, anyway.
Alysa: Sounds good to me, we were bound to just throw that out anyway.
One hour later, the Bellwoods hear a ring at their door.
Danielle: Who could that be?
Cindy: My son, maybe?
Danielle: Oh, right, him.
Cindy: I should be offended by that, but, weirdly, I’m not.
Betty: I’ll get the door!
Teri: That’d be a first.
Betty opens the door.
Betty: Ah! Nosferatu!
Cindy: Don’t call Zeke tha- oh my god!
Anita: We come bearing sustenance!
Betty: Tammi!
Tammi: I have nothing to do with this!
Betty: Steven!
Steven: I- I- I-
Betty: Oh my god, this is my nightmare. This is the worst thing I could have ever imagine.
Anita: Nice to see you, too! Happy Thanksgiving!
Karl: Come on in, enjoy our happy home!
Betty: Karl!
Karl: She’ here, Betty. We can’t be rude!
Betty: Yes we can! She’s here uninvited!
Anita: Trust me, I’d have RSVP’d if I had more advanced notice. Alysa only told me this morning about the invite!
Betty: And you’re here now. Great!
Tammi: I have to be honest, I thought you’d be too busy to show up!
Betty: You knew?
Tammi: I knew Alysa was invited, so did you.
Teri: And you kept that from us?
Betty: I was told to drop the subject.
Anita: Are we causing tumult?
Karl: No! Not at all!
Frank: Hey, Anita, where’s the hubby?
Anita: He decided to stay home and watch football.
Frank: Does he think we don’t have TV here?
Anita: I think he just wanted the break.
Betty: I don’t see why he would!
Karl: Betty!
Ralph: Dad, at some point, you just have to accept that this is how she is.
Karl: I just want a nice Thanksgiving, is that too much to ask for?
Teri: In this house? Yeah.
Cindy: Mom, can we talk in the kitchen?
Betty: No.
Cindy: Mom!
Betty: Okay, fine. At least Anita’s not in there.
Anita: I can help, though!
Betty: Stay out of my kitchen.
Anita: There’s that Bellwood charm!
In the kitchen…
Betty: I am furious!
Tammi: I never expected this to actually happen.
Betty: You should’ve! You were supposed to handle this!
Tammi: You wanted me to tell my son’s teenage girlfriend that she was uninvited to Thanksgiving? That could be my daughter-in-law.
Betty: Don’t be so dramatic! Teenage love never wor- never mind, look who I’m talking to.
Cindy: You think Tammi and Frank have worked out?
Betty: Not for my sake, but she seems happy enough. Ignorance is bliss, after all.
Tammi: Aww, that was so close to being nice.
Cindy: Can we just put the differences aside for one day? It’s for family, it’s for… I don’t know, who is the big mascot of Thanksgiving?
Tammi: Al Michaels?
Betty: Tom Turkey from the Macy’s Parade!
Cindy: Well, do it for Tom. He deserves his holiday to be filled with peace and serenity.
Betty: I hate her! I hate her!
Cindy: We all hate her.
Tammi: I d-
Cindy: Don’t.
Tammi: She can be nice!
Betty: Get out!
Cindy: Mom, you also have to be nice to the family.
Betty: Since when? It’s Thanksgiving! Arguing is the main point of it!
Cindy: Oh, god, what am I going to do with you?
Betty: Eat my food and accept my eccentricities.
Cindy: Where’s the wine?
Tammi: It’s eleven AM!
Cindy: If Kathie Lee can drink now, I can drink now.
Two hours later…
Anita: Hey, I’ve been by my daughter that I have to extend an olive branch.
Betty: Mine told me the same thing!
Anita: I don’t want to.
Betty: Neither do I!
Anita: I appreciate your family opening your Thanksgiving to the two of us, but you’re still evil at the end of the day.
Betty: You’re the worst person I’ve ever met!
Anita: I’m glad we see eye-to-eye.
Betty: We don’t have to get along, but I think we’ve done a good job at remaining cordial. The kids seem to be enjoying this.
Anita: Too much. Imagine if they get married, Betty! This will be every year!
Betty: Oh my god, no! You already brought freakin’ green bean casserole when I made that special for Tammi! I hate the crap and now I’ve got two pans of it!
Anita: You’re welcome!
Betty: You’re really lucky I love my great-grandson, because I really want to slap you for that little smirk.
Karl: What are you guys saying? Are you getting along?
Anita: Are you the camaraderie police?
Betty: Okay, you can still bash me, but you leave my man alone!
Anita: I’ll back off.
Betty: But really, Karl, do you need to check up on us like we’ve eleven years old?
Karl: I’m just trying to keep the peace.
Betty: There’s still peace.
Anita: Begrudging peace.
Two hours later…
Betty: All right, finally ready!
Anita: Can I just s-
Jerry: Nope! We will be saying Grace.
Teri: Here we fu-
Danielle: No f-bombs during Grace! I can’t listen to Jerry talking about how we’re all going to hell again!
Jerry: I’ve never said that.
Velma: Can we get on with this? I have a Black Friday sale to get to.
Mitchell: I have a football game to get to.
Velma: You can see it from the table, you jackass! I can’t go to Macy’s from this table!
Betty: Anita’s not seeming so bad right now, actually.
Anita: An honor, Beatrice!
Betty: It’s Elizabeth!
Anita: Sure, Beth.
Betty: Oh, you make my blood pressure soar!
Anita: glad to hear I’m effective!
Teri: Mom, put the mashed potato spoon down!
Cindy: Oh, no. Here we go.
Ralph: Well, detente lasted four hours.
Danielle: Longer than any of our bets.
Karl: By Price is Right rules, I win, right?
Danielle: Don’t rub it in.
Tammi: Everyone under the table, this is an emergency!
Steven: Food fight!
Frank walks into the room and is pelted with cranberry sauce.
Frank: The hell is going on in here? Were you going to eat without me?
Jerry: That’s your takeaway?
Frank: I’m used to people throwing cranberry sauce at me. This is like my sixth Thanksgiving in this house, it’s commonplace.
Ten minutes later…
Betty: That was not my finest moment.
Alysa: At least the turkey is okay.
Tammi: The green bean casserole was unscathed, too!
Betty: A nightmare.
Teri: I mean, almost everything is still edible. You only really through the potatoes and cranberry sauce. It got the fighting out of your system, too. I’ll mark this down as a success.
Velma: This a bit disingenuous.
Teri: I’m trying to be positive here!
Jerry: Is it time for Grace now?
Betty: Don’t make me throw the turkey at you.
What did you think this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the new episode in two weeks!
