Tammy walks into Marietta’s office.
Tammy: Marietta, I’ve got an offer for you. Or an invitation, I guess.
Marietta: I’m intrigued.
Tammy: Thanksgiving is such a special time.
Marietta: I can’t come to your house, my mom would kill me. Thanksgiving is her day.
Tammy: Oh my gosh, I wasn’t even thinking of that. No, I’m coming to her house, as always.
Amy: Also, can I point out that a sixty year-old woman just said “I can’t, my mom would kill me?”
Marietta: She’s a very scary woman.
Henrietta: She is.
Marietta: So what’s the invitation, Tammy?
Tammy: You’ve been asked to appear at a soup kitchen in town to help spread awareness. They really haven’t had many volunteers lately, especially on holidays, and you announcing that you’re going to volunteer would bring news coverage.
Marietta: Oh. When?
Tammy: On Thanksgiving.
Marietta: On Thanksgiving?
Tammy: Yeah. It’s a big day for food.
Marietta: What time?
Tammy: Morning, afternoon, evening… whenever you can get there.
Marietta: Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to help. However, my mom is set in her ways.
Amy: Don’t use your mom as an excuse to not be charitable!
Marietta: I’m not making excuses. I want to be charitable.
Amy: Then say yes!
Marietta: It’s easy or you to say, no one’s asking or you to come volunteer…
Tammy: But they’d take every volunteer they cold get!
Marietta: She’s just not nationally-famous like me.
Amy: You know who’d really grab headlines for volunteering at a soup kitchen? A former first lady…
Tammy: So what should I say?
Amy: A quick change of the subject!
Marietta: I’ll do it. I want to give back, and I can give up a few hours of my time to those that truly need the help. Even if it is a holiday.
Tammy: You are so heroic.
Amy: Don’t inflate her ego.
Marietta: She’s not inflating anything. I know how wonderful I am.
Amy: See what you’ve done?
Later, at Patty Lynn’s house…
Marietta: Wow! It smells like Thanksgiving in here!
Kathleen: She’s been cooking all day.
Patty Lynn: I have so many guests coming over, I have to start early.
Marietta: You do know you can ask your guests to cook, right?
Patty Lynn: I invited them to my home. I owe them a quality meal.
Kathleen: I live here too, and yet you won’t allow me to cook, either.
Patty Lynn: You’re also a guest.
Kathleen: or seven years?
Patty Lynn: is your name on the deed?
Kathleen: Fair enough.
Marietta: Well, I’ve come to deliver news.
Patty Lynn: Can it wait? I have to chop these pecans for my pie.
Marietta: Um… sure…
Patty Lynn runs the food chopper as Marietta and Kathleen try to talk.
Kathleen: So, excited for Thanksgiving? It’s a day off.
Marietta: Actually, that’s part of what I was here to talk about.
Kathleen: Oh?
Marietta: It’s nothing bad.
Kathleen: You promise? I don’t. Want to hear your mom whining about whatever this is. And you came to tell her in person, so I don’t have high hopes for this.
Marietta: It’s just on the way home. Much easier to say it here than over the phone. You know she’s not so good with the phone.
Patty Lynn: Are you guys talking? I can’t hear you over this food chopper!
Kathleen: It’s nothing!
Patty Lynn: What?
Kathleen: I SAID IT’S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!
Patty Lynn: I’m hurrying as much as I can!
Marietta: Lovely conversation we’re having.
Patty Lynn: All right, I’m done. What’s up, dear?
Marietta: Mom, I’ve decided to volunteer at a soup kitchen on the afternoon of Thanksgiving.
Patty Lynn: You’re joking.
Marietta: I’m not.
Patty Lynn: You know the tradition. Marietta… it’s the first Thanksgiving without your dad! This is the year you want to break the tradition?
Marietta: I can still get here around three. We can just eat a little later.
Patty Lynn: We always eat early on Thanksgiving. It’s tradition!
Kathleen: If you say “tradition” one more time…
Patty Lynn (crying): Traditions are very important to me!
Kathleen: Good god…
Marietta: Mom, Thanksgiving will go mostly unchanged. We’re just eating a little later.
Patty Lynn: But the joy off the day is when we call get to spend time together! It’s not just about eating, it’s about being with the ones you care about and are thankful for. You can’t just come in and eat and leave!
Marietta: I wouldn’t! I always stay for hours after dinner. Why would I not now?
Patty Lynn: You’re already not showing up until three now, so why would I assume you’re going to spend the rest of the day with us like you usually would?
Marietta: Mom, I want you to realize that I’m not staying home to avoid spending the holidays with my family. I’m going to help people in need. It’s a good thing.
Kathleen: Yeah, don’t be selfish.
Marietta: Are you talking to me or mom?
Kathleen: Your mother. You are doing a good thing.
Patty Lynn: Of course you’d take her side!
Kathleen: She’s doing something charitable for the people that need it most. It’s the only side I could possibly take!
Patty Lynn: Or so she says…
Kathleen: Huh?
Patty Lynn: She’s betraying the family, she’s not above lying. Maybe she’s spending the day with Tammy or Kate, since they’re so much more fun.
Marietta: They’re both coming here.
Patty Lynn: So you expect me to entertain your friends while you gallivant around town?
Marietta: I’m working at a soup kitchen! That is not gallivanting!
Patty Lynn: To you.
Marietta: This is ridiculous. It’s a good thing that I’m doing. I’m giving back to the community that has made me who I am.
Patty Lynn: I made you who you are! I gave you life, I raised you, I gave you every opportunity you’ve ever had. And you show no gratefulness for it. I didn’t raise you like this.
Kathleen: Thanksgiving is such a wonderful time o year. Bickering, slaving in a hot kitchen for days to make a meal you’ll finish in twenty minutes, having to eat cranberry sauce…
Patty Lynn: My cranberry sauce is delicious!
Kathleen: It is better than the jiggling, can-shaped slop.
Marietta: I like that stuff.
Patty Lynn: Well you can go enjoy it with your hobos!
Marietta: We call them unsheltered now. Or even homeless. Certainly not “hobos…”
Patty Lynn: I’m mad at them, I’ll call them what I want.
Marietta: I think I should go.
Kathleen: Don’t leave me with her!
Patty Lynn: You should go with Marietta. Everyone should leave me to be all alone on Thanksgiving. Clearly, I’ve earned it.
Kathleen: And when all else fails, enter the overdramatic “poor me” act.
Patty Lynn: It’s not an act!
Marietta: Yeah, I’m going to leave. I’ll see you on Thanksgiving.
Patty Lynn: Yes, when you’ll be eating whatever’s left over, and at room temperature
Marietta leaves and Patty Lynn dramatically dumps her half-prepared pecan pie into the trash.
Kathleen: What on earth?
Patty Lynn: It’s Marietta’s favorite. No need to make it now that she’s abandoned us.
Kathleen: It’s my favorite, too.
Patty Lynn: As if I care.
Kathleen: The holidays truly bring out the best in you.
The next day, Milton and Moira are visiting Patty Lynn.
Milton: Mom, how’s Thanksgiving coming along?
Patty Lynn: Terrible!
Milton: Oh no! What’s the matter?
Patty Lynn: Your sister has betrayed the Landfield Family Thanksgiving.
Milton: This should be good.
Moira: Should I take a seat?
Milton: Yeah, this’ll be a while.
Moira: I’m going to lie down, actually. It might be best to just sleep through this.
Milton: What did Marietta do?
Patty Lynn: She’s spending Thanksgiving at a soup kitchen.
Milton: What?
Patty Lynn: She’s volunteering at a soup kitchen while she’s supposed to be here with us! With her family!
Milton: You have got to be kidding me.
Patty Lynn: I know! She’s ridiculous! I knew you’d be on my side.
Milton: I am not on your side!
Kathleen: Oh, hello Milt-
Patty Lynn: You’re not on my side?
Kathleen: Goodbye, Milton.
Milton: I understand you being upset that she won’t be here. What I don’t understand is why you’re mad at her for doing an objectively very good thing. She’s helping people.
Patty Lynn: She can do that good thing on any other day! Why on my Thanksgiving?
Milton: It’s Thanksgiving for all those homeless people at the soup kitchen, too.
Patty Lynn: I guess.
Kathleen: You should’ve heard how mad she got with your sister for this. She threw out the pecan pie out of anger!
Moira: Not the pecan pie!
Kathleen: Yes, the pecan pie! Broke my heart.
Milton: Mom, don’t let this ruin your Thanksgiving. Sure, it will be strange without Marietta -
Kathleen: She’ll be there! That’s the kicker! She’s planning to come at three.
Milton: You’re throwing a fit because she’s coming two hours later than usual?
Kathleen: It’s quite ridiculous.
Patty Lynn: We eat at two every year. She won’t even be here then. It’s upsetting.
Milton: You need to let go of this and accept it. She’ll be here, just a bit later. You’ll live.
Patty Lynn: I might not. Not everyone that was here last year is here today.
Milton: Don’t weaponize dad’s death to justify your whining. Please.
Patty Lynn: I’m not whining. I’m just mourning what Thanksgiving once was.
Milton: Dad is irreplaceable, but Marietta will still be there, just a few hours later. The fastest you accept it, the better.
Kathleen: Thank you!
Two days later…
Kate: Patty Lynn, this dining room looks incredible. I’ve never seen a more festive Thanksgiving display.
Ellie: It’s like Thanksgiving threw up on a room.
Kate: There are more eloquent ways to word that.
Ellie: I’m from Massachusetts, I tell it like it is.
Sarah: I can’t wait to eat. I smell it all, it’s so tempting. And I didn’t eat, just to save up for this.
Ellie: You know, you ill up faster when you haven’t eaten all day.
Sarah: That’s not true.
Ellie: It is.
Patty Lynn: Everyone, I have a proclamation!
Kathleen: I don’t think I want to hear it. Do I want to hear it?
Patty Lynn: Yes, you do. We are all taking a ride. It’s noon, we have plenty of time until dinner is ready, we are going to the soup kitchen to volunteer with Marietta.
Tammy: Oh, I think, uh… my arm just broke. I need to rest it.
Amy: Excellent excuse.
Kathleen: Are you sure you want to do this? You seemed so morally opposed to volunteering at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving mere days ago…
Patty Lynn: I thought about it. I considered what Martin would think. He’d say that this is the right thing to do. I agree. This is a good thing to do for humanity. If just half of the people who are as fortunate as us decided to volunteer today, no one in this country would ever spend Thanksgiving hungry. I think that’s something to aspire to.
Ellie: Do I get an exemption as a leader of the US Senate?
Kate: No.
Ellie: Dammit.
Patty Lynn: Everyone in the car, come on! Time is ticking!
Moira: What about the food in the oven?
Patty Lynn: Sarah, you know where everything is in the kitchen and how the appliances work. You can stay behind and watch everything.
Sarah: Thank you. So much.
Patty Lynn: No problem.
At the soup kitchen…
Marietta: I hear familiar voices. Many of them.
Patty Lynn: Dear, we’re here! And I’m sorry for getting upset with you for this. I saw the error of my ways. We’d all love to help do our part to make the world a better place.
Marietta: I forgive you, and I’ll get you all some aprons! But, uh… where’s Sarah?
Ellie: She was lucky enough to be put in charge of watching the food in the oven.
Marietta: Okay, turkey’s gonna be dry.
Milton: Is it ever not?
Marietta: Good point.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
