INT. HOUSE - DAY
Greg is the only one in bed. Next to him, is Sugar Mama. Greg wakes up and smiles at her.
GREG
Morning gorgeous.
Greg strokes Sugar Mama’s face.
GREG
Here? Now? Ok.
Greg takes off his shirt.
In the kitchen, Bailey and Daniel are cooking breakfast. Tyler and Hudson are playing Magic: The Gathering in the living room. Joel grabs a beer from the fridge and chugs it.
BAILEY
You have a problem.
JOEL
Yes, I do. You.
Joel and Bailey glare at each other. Joel grabs another beer and sits at the dining table.
BAILEY
I have to say, ever since we got here, things have been great.
DANIEL
Yeah, the past four days have been nice.
BAILEY
We have plenty of food, comfortable beds, and shelter that doesn’t have a hole or a tree in it.
Daniel and Bailey smile at each other.
The sound of Greg moaning can be heard from upstairs.
JOEL
What the hell is that?
TYLER
Ugh, Greg’s masturbating again, isn’t he?
Daniel, Joel, and Tyler groan.
HUDSON
Is... Is that a bad thing?
TYLER
Greg hasn’t had sex or really pleasured himself in a year and a half so he’s... I guess you could say... sexually frustrated.
BAILEY
Have you guys talked to him about this?
Daniel, Joel, and Tyler look at each other.
DANIEL
Why would we do that?
BAILEY
Because he’s your friend, and it’s very weird.
HUDSON
I agree with Bailey.
JOEL
Hudson, buddy I’m gonna give you a little tip. If you want to get on my good side, don’t agree with Bailey.
HUDSON
Why?
JOEL
Because she was friends with a bunch of crazy, psychotic sorority girls. Which might sound hot, but it really isn’t when they start shooting guns at you.
HUDSON
I see.
Greg’s moaning gets louder.
DANIEL
Ok someone’s gotta go stop him.
JOEL
I’ll go. It’s my bed too and I don’t want his stuff on it.
Joel walks up the stairs and approaches the bedroom door.
Joel opens the door. Greg is lying on the bed covered in syrup. The half-empty Sugar Mama bottle lays next to him.
JOEL
What the actual fuck!
The others run up the stairs and appear behind Joel. They see Greg who has covered his lower half with a blanket. Bailey averts her eyes.
TYLER
Holy shit!
DANIEL
Greg!
GREG
Could you give us some privacy?
The group steps out from the bedroom and into the hall. Tyler closes the door.
BAILEY
That was um... I honestly don’t know what that was.
JOEL
Clearly, Greg just had sex with a bottle of syrup in the shape of a sexy woman.
TYLER
Is that even possible. Also, why would he do that?
HUDSON
Maybe it has to do with his sexual frustration.
BAILEY
You guys need to talk to him.
JOEL
What exactly do you want us to say? Hey Greg, could you not have sex with a plastic bottle?
DANIEL
Ok, we’ll talk to Greg.
Daniel opens the bedroom door slightly.
DANIEL
Greg buddy, could you take a shower and meet us in the living room.
GREG
Uh yeah sure. Be right there.
The group sits in the living room. Greg walks down the stairs and takes a seat in a chair.
DANIEL
Greg, we need to talk.
GREG
About what.
JOEL
About you fucking a syrup bottle.
DANIEL
Joel!
TYLER
Subtle dude.
JOEL
This is an intervention, isn’t it?
GREG
Ok guys I know that what y’all saw may have seemed odd but don’t worry. I’m fine.
DANIEL
Greg, you... you had sex with a bottle of syrup. You... you know how wrong that sounds right.
GREG
Sugar Mama isn’t just a bottle. She’s... she’s a sensual lover.
JOEL
Gross dude.
GREG
Hey, don’t judge me just because you haven’t gotten some action.
JOEL
Neither did you.
GREG
Look, I’ve found someone. Someone who is nice to me. Someone who loves me.
HUDSON
Look, Greg, I may not know all of you as well as you know each other, but I do know that what you are doing is unhealthy. I know right now you feel lonely and that you want to feel the touch of a woman but this isn’t the way.
The group sits in silence. Greg stands up.
GREG
Listen up cause I am only going to say this once. I am in love. Yes, it’s a strange love but it’s our love. If you can’t accept that, then we’ll leave.
TYLER
Dan, say something.
Daniel stares at Greg in contemplation. He stands up.
DANIEL
Look, Greg, what you’re doing is weird. Like really weird. But, you’re our friend. And because of that, we have to support each other. Even if we disagree. We may think that what you’re doing is... wrong on so many levels but... it makes you happy. Basically what I’m saying, is that... if you’re happy, then we can be happy.
Greg walks over to Daniel.
GREG
Thanks, man.
Greg attempts to hug Daniel.
DANIEL
Please don’t touch me right now, I haven’t gotten that image out of my head.
JOEL
Are you kidding me? We’re just gonna let this happen?
DANIEL
Yes. WE are going to support Greg.
JOEL
Fine. But no more having sex on OUR bed.
GREG
Deal.
BAILEY
I can’t believe I left my sorority for this.
EXT. WOODS - DAY
Outside the house, in the woods, lies the trail known as Phoenix Ass. On the sign, the “P” in “Pass” is crossed out. On a hill overlooking the neighborhood, a man wearing a torn jacket and hoodie watches the group in the house through binoculars. He takes out a walkie talkie.
HOODED MAN
We have trespassers. Notify the Boss.
END.