Frances in the Kitchen Season 1, Episode 3
Love in the Kitchen
Frances and Greg are sitting in bed at night watching TV.
Greg: Hey, can we talk?
Frances: Oh no, what did I do now? I’m sorry.
Greg: You didn’t do anything. Something’s just been on my mind.
Frances: Oh boy, this sounds like it’ll be a long one. Guess I’ll never find out if Brian and Stewie make it back to Rhode Island.
Greg: Just mute it for a few minutes, it won’t be long. I promise.
Frances: Okay, but I can’t promise to give you my full attention with Family Guy on.
Greg: I’ll take that gamble.
Frances: So, what’s on your mind?
Greg: I feel strange in this house lately.
Frances: Oh, Greg. You’ve always been a little out there. It’s not a new development.
Greg: I’m serious! It’s just been the two of us since we moved in how many years ago, and your brother moved in and now we never get any alone time. I don’t like it.
Frances: I understand how you feel.
Greg: I mean, when they first moved in, I just assumed they’d mostly stay in the guest house.
Frances: Guest cottage. It’s a guest cottage.
Greg: Yes, guest cottage. I assumed they’d stay there. It’s roomy and it’s equipped with everything they need. Instead, they’re over here all day and all of the night. They watch TV with
us, but they decide what we watch. We never even get to watch what we want to.
Frances: It’s not that bad.
Greg: We had to come into our bedroom just to watch something we wanted to watch. And it’s a repeat at eleven o’clock.
Frances: That’s not as bad as it sounds. I like watching repeats sometimes.
Greg: Don’t even get me started on our sex life.
Frances: What sex life?
Greg: Exactly!
Frances: You have to admit that it wasn’t really rollicking before they got here, either.
Greg: Yeah, but it was not… this bad.
Frances: I know, I know. And trust me, I’ve had similar thoughts to you. I don’t know what to do about it, though.
Greg: I just want more time alone with you. They won’t be here that long so I’m okay with them being here a lot, just not this much. We need some privacy.
Frances: I’ll try and think of something.
Lauren opens the door.
Lauren: Hey, Aunt Frances, do you have any Marshmallow Fluff?
Frances: Oh my god, Lauren! What are you doing in my house so late?
Lauren: Mom gave me her key. I’m making my lunch for tomorrow and we don’t have any Marshmallow Fluff. Mom said you might have some.
Louise: So, do you?
Frances: Oh my god, Louise! What are you doing here, too? And in my bedroom! What if Greg and I were in a compromising position?
Louise: Oh come on, Frances. Like you and Greg still do it.
Frances: I’m not comfortable discussing this but I am offended that you’re so certain of it that you’d just barge into my bedroom unannounced.
Lauren: So, is that a no on the Marshmallow Fluff?
Frances: It’s in the cabinet. Now, good night to you both. Give my brother my regards. It’s been a whole twenty minutes since I’ve seen him.
Lauren: Thanks, Aunt Frances!
Louise: G’night!
Lauren and Louise leave.
Frances: Yeah, it’s a problem.
Greg: Thank you!
Frances: Oh, dammit!
Greg: What’s wrong?
Frances: I missed the ending of Family Guy!
Greg: They got back to Rhode Island.
Frances: Now you ruined it for me! And with that, I say good night, my love.
Greg: Good night, Frances. Don’t have any nightmares about your family.
Frances: I will!
The next day, at work…
Marcia: Hey, Frances! You look well-rested.
Frances: Yeah, I was pissed at my family so I went to bed early.
Marcia: What did my idiot brother do now?
Frances: Nothing for a change! It was my idiot brother and his family.
Beverly: Did they clog the toilet again?
Jane: Wait. Frances, your brother is still here? I did not know that.
Beverly: Oh… oh my god.
Frances: It’s okay, Beverly. Don’t melt down. Jane just has her own things to worry about.
Jane: Yeah, I’m asking my girlfriend to marry me tonight!
Marcia: Oh my god. Congratulations!
Frances: Is that even legal? Didn’t Prop 8 ban same-sex marriage?
Jane: Yeah. I believe in my heart that one day it will be legal again. I’m a dreamer.
Frances: That’s very sweet. Good luck!
Jane: Thanks!
Beverly: Now, about your family?
Frances: Oh, they are so annoying. They act like my house is their house. Their house is out back. And that’s also my house!
Marcia: What are you gonna do about it?
Frances: Well, I love my family, but I have to lay some ground rules. They gotta give Greg and me some alone time. We’re alone together about twenty minutes a day. They’re always in our house. Using our food, usually. They’ve been paying rent, but that’s about it. And, to be frank, they should be paying more if they’re gonna drive Greg that crazy.
Marcia: Does Greggy charge a certain amount for the right to annoy him? If so, how much is a season pass?
Frances: Very funny. But what am I gonna do?
Beverly: Do what I do when my in-laws are in town.
Jane: Your in-laws are still alive? Aren’t they like 100?
Beverly: I’m not that old!
Jane: Aren’t you?
Beverly: No! They’re in their early eighties.
Jane: My parents are in their early fifties.
Beverly: Good for you.
Jane: Thank you.
Frances: Oh my god, Beverly. What do you do when they’re in town?
Beverly: Oh. Earl -
Jane: Your husband’s name is Earl?
Marcia: Shut up!
Beverly: Earl and I go out for dinner. We tell them that. They’re in bed by eight-thirty, once The New Adventures of Old Elaine or whatever the hell it’s called is over. Then, we just don’t go home.
Marcia: Do you… sleep in your car? Or?
Beverly: No, we go to a hotel.
Frances: So you’re saying we should just live in a hotel now to escape Jimmy and the girls. Okay, I’m rich but how rich do you think I am?
Beverly: I’m not saying to do it every night. Just once to give yourselves a break.
Frances: You know, it’s not actually a bad idea.
Marcia: Wait, uh, Beverly? I have a question
Beverly: What would that be?
Marcia: Why don’t you just put your in-laws in a hotel?
Beverly: My mother-in-law is a stubborn old witch who doesn’t listen to anyone else and just won’t die and she refuses to stay in a hotel.
Marcia: What happens if they wake up before you guys get home?
Beverly: That rarely happens, but if it does, we just tell them we went out for breakfast.
Marcia: You really thought of everything.
Beverly: Yeah. I really hate her.
DeAnna: Frances!
Frances: Good god, like today wasn’t bad enough. What do you want?
DeAnna: I just wanted to ask how you’re liking your new parking spot!
Frances: I’m really not in the mood today, DeAnna.
DeAnna: I’m not trying to be rude. I’m being nice.
Frances: I have work to be doing.
DeAnna: Just answer the question and you can get to work!
Frances: I don’t mind it. I need the exercise.
DeAnna: So you’re using the new spot?
Frances: Yes. Why?
DeAnna: I may have run into your car with my golf cart that I use to get around the studio lot?
Frances: Wait, Charlie gave you a golf cart?
Maria: That’s the thing you’re worried about? What about your car?
Frances: Oh, yeah. How badly is the car damaged?
DeAnna: I probably did you a favor, though. Why are you driving a Toyota Sienna Minivan?
Frances: It’s my sister-in-law’s car. She parked me in and I didn’t have time to play musical chairs with our cars this morning.
DeAnna: So that explains the Michigan plates.
Frances: Yes. Now, how bad is it damaged?
DeAnna: Just a dent and a few scratches in the paint. I just lost control of the cart, I was trying to see if Brad Pitt was on the lot. He wasn’t.
Frances: Why would Brad Pitt be here?
DeAnna: I don’t know. Anyway, I want to make it up to you. I’ll pay for a full renovation of the car.
Frances: Well, that’s what most people would do but you’re not really human so I’ll just say ‘thank you.’
DeAnna: You just take it into the shop and then send me the bill. Or bring it to me. I do work just one lot over.
Frances: I could never forget that. I have nightmares about it.
Later that day, at Frances’ house…
Greg: So, did you think about what we talked about last night?
Frances: I actually did.
Greg: Oh my god. Usually, you just say whatever to shut me up so you can sleep.
Frances: I know. I surprised myself, actually.
Greg: So what did you decide?
Frances: I talked with the girls at work.
Greg: Oh no.
Frances: Oh yes. Beverly gave me the best advice.
Greg: Well, Marcia sure didn’t.
Frances: Beverly told me we should go out for dinner at a fancy restaurant and then stay overnight at a hotel. Just to get away for a bit. It’s a Friday so we could even stay the weekend. I already got us a reservation at that new seafood place in town.
Greg: Shrimpy’s? That place doesn’t sound fancy. They have a blowfish mascot that stands on the corner of the street with a sign.
Frances: No, not Shrimpy’s. The Blackwater Grille.
Greg: Oh, that place looks nice!
Frances: I also booked us a hotel room, the presidential suite. They said I can add on another two days if I call by the end of the hour.
Greg: Just go ahead and do that. I’ll take all the time away from this place that I can get.
Frances: I figured you’d say that!
Greg: Now, as great as this is, what about Monday when we get home? It’s not like we’ll suddenly like their intrusiveness then.
Frances: I’m gonna talk to them. The girls didn’t help me much there so I’m gonna wing it.
Greg: Good luck!
Frances calls Jimmy, Louise and Lauren into the living room to talk to them.
Frances: Guys, I just wanted to talk to you about some things. No worries, it’s nothing major.
Jimmy: The last time you said that you put mom in the home.
Frances: I know, this isn’t that, though. I just wanted you guys to know that Greg and I have been talking and -
Louise: Is he making us move out? That good-for-nothing unemployed little elf better not be messing with our lives like that.
Frances: Woah! Don’t talk about my husband like that. He and I make decisions together and I’d never let him kick you guys out, you’re family. He’d never want that, either. He loves.. two of you.
Lauren: Ooh, which two?
Frances: Not your mom.
Louise: He’s afraid of strong women, that’s why.
Greg: I am not! And, Frances, I love all of them. Not equally, but I love them all.
Louise: I actually appreciate that and believe you.
Frances: Anyway, guys. We have something to say.
Louise: And it goes something like this!
Frances: No Madonna references, please. It might lead to Jimmy singing.
Jimmy: Papa don’t preach, I’m in trouble deep!
Frances: Now I am going to make you move out.
Jimmy: Sorry, won’t do it again.
Frances: So, Jimmy and I wanted to ask you guys to give us a bit of personal space. Just, don’t spend every waking hour over here. You’re all here from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to work, and then from the minute you get home until the minute you go to bed. We just need some time alone together. It’s taking a toll on our marriage, you know?
Louise: I completely understand. We’ll stay in the cottage, we won’t bother you.
Frances: This doesn’t mean that at all! Just, spend a few hours in your house as a family and let us have a couple hours to ourselves.
Greg: Maybe more than that. Maybe three or four hours.
Jimmy: We got it.
Frances: Good. I’m glad you guys aren’t upset.
Lauren: Why would be upset? You’re nice enough to let us stay in your house!
Louise: Yeah! Other than making us be around Greg, you’re very gracious.
Greg: Oh come on, I just told you I love you.
Louise: Yeah, I love ya too.
Lauren: Someone document this!
Frances: Anyway, before I forget, Greg and I will be going out of town for the weekend.
Lauren: Oh, where are you going, Aunt Frances?
Frances: Oh, just to San Francisco.
Lauren: That sounds nice. Have fun!
Frances: Thanks. I’ll get you a souvenir! Oh my god, I almost forgot.
Louise: Forgot what?
Frances: Louise, I took your minivan to work today because you parked me in and DeAnna Clifton ran into it with a golf cart. It has to be repaired, but she'll pay for it. She swears.
Louise: Can we kill her now?
Louise: Forgot what?
Frances: Louise, I took your minivan to work today because you parked me in and DeAnna Clifton ran into it with a golf cart. It has to be repaired, but she'll pay for it. She swears.
Louise: Can we kill her now?
Hours later, at The Blackwater Grille…
Frances: Why did I tell Lauren I would get her a souvenir from San Francisco?
Greg: You just now thought of that?
Frances: I was busy packing. I didn’t want to forget anything.
Greg: Understandable. When we went to Cape Cod, you forgot your bathing suit so we couldn’t even go to the beach.
Frances: And I probably saved you from getting eaten by a shark. You’re welcome! Now, about that souvenir, I can just send Jane to get it. She doesn’t have anything else to do this weekend.
Greg: Isn’t that Jane over there?
Frances: Where?
Greg: Over there. She looks sad.
Frances: Oh no. I love that girl dearly but if she sees us, she’s gonna talk our ears off and I know how important this alone time is for you.
Greg: Just be nice if she sees you. I don’t mind giving up an hour. We have all weekend. Be nice to Jane.
Jane: Frances! Come here, I need to talk to someone.
Frances: Come with me.
Greg: She said ‘Frances.’ I wasn’t invited.
Frances: Come with.
Greg: Fine.
Frances and Greg walk over to Jane.
Frances: Honey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?
Jane: It’s Kara.
Frances: And that is?
Jane: My girlfriend. She’s my girlfriend. Well, she was.
Frances: Oh no. What happened?
Jane: Well, I got down on one knee after the appetizers.
Frances: Oh, always do it after the entree. Don’t do it when they’re still hungry.
Jane: You should’ve told me that before because she said no!
Frances: Come here. Give me a hug.
Jane: Thank you.
Jane gives Frances a hug and wraps her arms around Greg as well.
Greg: Oh my. I wasn’t expecting that.
Jane: I appreciate you guys being here for me.
Frances: No problem. What went wrong?
Jane: Well, one of the guys at another table started making crude comments to us when he realized I was proposing and called us “animals” for being together. His wife said we were committing the worst sin.
Frances: I’m so sorry, that’s awful. No one should be treated like that. Love is love.
Jane: It is, but clearly Kara didn’t love me enough. Two years together and this happens. I didn’t see it coming.
Frances: Was the heckling really why she said no? That seems like a bad reason to break up entirely if she really loves you. I gotta go talk some sense into her.
Jane: No, that’s not why. She said she’s not at the same place in our relationship that I am and doesn’t know if she’ll ever get there.
Greg: Ooh. That’s a rough one.
Jane: I know! It’s over.
Frances: It’s all going to be okay, honey. You’ll find a new girl.
Two hours later…
Frances: Oh my goodness, it’s eight-thirty!
Greg: We gotta get going.
Frances: I know. Jane, are you okay going home?
Jane: Home? Oh god!
Frances: What’s wrong?
Jane starts sobbing.
Greg: What did you do?
Frances: I don’t know!
Jane: I don’t have a home!
Frances: What do you mean? You live right down the road from Marcia?
Jane: That’s Kara’s house. I paid for part of it but her name’s on the deed. I can’t go back there.
Frances: She won’t let you back?
Jane: No, she said I could stay there until I find a place. I just can’t go there. I have more diginty than that.
Frances: Dignity.
Jane: That’s what I said. Diginty.
Frances: You know what? Close enough.
Greg: What are we gonna do?
Frances: If this was like a month ago, I’d say you could stay with us.
Jane: That’s so kind of you. But why can’t I stay now?
Frances: My family is staying there now.
Jane: Oh, yeah. Right.
Frances: So, you can’t stay in our guest cottage. However, I have another idea.
Jane: What’s that?
Frances: Greg and I got a hotel for the weekend like Beverly suggested. You’re going to stay in our room.
Greg: She is?
Frances: Yes! Jane, you need it more than we do.
Jane: That’s so sweet but what am I gonna do after this weekend?
Frances: I’m gonna make a nice room for you in our basement. It’s a mess down there now but I can clean it up in the next few days. You’ll stay there until we find you a new place. And don’t worry, I’ll stop by your place and pick up your things.
Jane: This is above and beyond, Frances. I can’t possibly accept this.
Frances: Yes, you can! You’re like the kid I never had. This is the least I can do, you’re hurting right now. I’m sure the luxury spa in the hotel room can make you feel a little better at least.
Greg: It had a luxury spa?!?
Frances: Next week, Greg. We’ll get to see it next week.
Jane: This really is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. I’ll repay you somehow.
Frances: All you have to do to repay me is stick around as my assistant. I love having you around and I want you to stick around for a while.
Jane: Of course! Thank you again. Oh my god, I just thought of something.
Frances: What’s that?
Jane: What am I gonna wear to sleep? I don’t have a change of clothes.
Frances: Ah, just sleep in the hotel robe. Or naked. No one else is around! They have a washer in the room so you can wash what you have on now. No worries! Now, they clearly want to get us out of this table so we’d better get going. You have a luxury presidential suite to get to. See you on Monday!
Jane: See you Monday! And again, thank you for everything!
Later, back at Frances’ house…
Lauren: What are you doing home from San Francisco so early?
Frances: Long story. Don't ask.
Lauren: So, can I run in your house and get some of that Marshmallow Fluff?
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for another all-new episode!
