Marietta Season 2 Special
Democratic National Convention
Marietta is sitting in her office when she receives a call from Diana Winger-Cameron, chair of the Democratic National Committee.
Marietta: Well, hello Diana! I think I know what this is about!
Diana: What would that be, Mayor Landfield?
Marietta: I know the convention is coming to New Orleans this year. You’re asking me something about it.
Diana: Okay, so you do know what I’m calling about. Good to know.
Marietta: I’m pretty smart, I guess.
Diana: I wanted to ask you to speak at the convention. You’re the mayor of the city we’re holding it in and it’s customary to ask that person to make a speech. You’re such a political pro that I figured you could be a primetime speaker on the first night. People love you.
Marietta: Why thank you! I do like to think of myself as being pretty beloved. Perhaps beloved enough to be the keynote speaker?
Diana: As you know, this is my first convention.
Marietta: I’m so sorry for you. You gotta deal with certain loss because our president is as dumb as a bag of rocks.
Diana: It’s not easy, but I’m making it work. I still think we can win this.
Marietta: It’s good to have hope. Even when you shouldn’t.
Diana: I’d like your advice. You chaired the 2004 convention.
Marietta: Unfortunately. That was a complete disaster.
Diana: It wasn’t that bad.
Marietta: The keynote speaker didn’t show up, we accidentally played My Sharona over the loudspeaker during the nominee’s speech, and we accidentally announced that Adlai Stevenson won the Democratic nomination.
Diana: The rest was good, though, girl. None of the mistakes that happened were your fault.
Marietta: I appreciate it. The DNC didn’t agree at the time, but I appreciate your kind words. Now, about advice… not announcing that a long-dead two-time loser won the nomination is a good start.
Diana: I’ll make note of that for sure. Can I run a few things I have planned by you? I want to know what you think because the reception’s been a bit… mixed.
Marietta: Fire away!
Diana: I have a lot of plans to woo over voters. The biggest plan is that we have a video with a bunch of Democrat celebrities singing Brave by Sara Bareilles.
Marietta: Have you considered maybe not doing that?
Diana: Why wouldn’t we?
Marietta: I don’t know, it just feels elitist.
Diana: What about the group performance by Broadway stars of We Are The World on the main stage?
Marietta: What is planned that doesn’t revolve around celebrities?
Diana: Do you consider the mean lady from Glee and the cast of Pitch Perfect to be celebrities, right?
Marietta: Do you mean Jane Lynch?
Diana: Yeah, her.
Marietta: Yes, she’s a celebrity.
Diana: Okay so the comedy skit doesn’t count.
Marietta: Oh, Diana. You are in crisis.
Diana: I know!
Marietta: Keep the celebrity stuff if it’s already filmed.
Diana: It is.
Marietta: Okay, I was kinda hoping you’d say it wasn’t.
Diana: How do you think I feel? I just found out this thing I put a ton of time into is potentially harmful. I’m gutted.
Marietta: Don’t worry, no one will remember it. It’s not like you don’t have anything else big planned.
Diana: Well…
Marietta: That’s the basket you put all your eggs in?
Diana: I have an hour devoted to Republicans for Koobach.
Marietta: That’s something. Maybe. I don’t know.
Diana: I also have some interesting guests appearing to speak.
Marietta: Such as?
Diana: Former Governor Jean Grant from Michigan.
Marietta: She left office like a decade ago.
Diana: Yeah, but she’s fun.
Marietta: We need memorable things that will appeal to swing voters. Not people that are already voting Democrat no matter what. I’ll email you some ideas once I think of them. I’m drawing blanks right now.
Diana: Alright, sounds good! I’ll let you go then and I’ll be anxiously awaiting that email!
Marietta: Bye Diana! Thanks for the speaking gig!
Marietta hangs up and picks up Tammy and Amy for dinner at Martin and Patty Lynn’s.
Patty Lynn: So, Marietta. How’s your day been?
Marietta: Interesting for a change.
Patty Lynn: Well now you gotta tell us what happened!
Marietta: I got a call from Diana Winger-Cameron today.
Martin: Isn’t that the chair of the DNC?
Marietta: Sure is! And she’s also doing double duty by serving as chair of the convention this year. No one else must have wanted the job. Why would they?
Patty Lynn: What did she have to say?
Marietta: She wants me to be a primetime speaker on the first night. Not a keynote speaker but whatever.
Patty Lynn: You told her no, I’m sure?
Marietta: I mean I also wish I would’ve been named keynote speaker but that’s not a reason to turn down a nationally-broadcast speech, mom.
Patty Lynn: That’s not what I mean. They completely robbed Eileen Birkman of the nomination. And they think we’ll just stand for it?
Marietta: They did what?
Patty Lynn: They robbed her! They were against her from the start and it’s disgusting.
Marietta: Mom, she was the keynote speaker at the 2016 convention. They didn’t rob her nor were they ever against her. She just didn’t win. Not everything is a conspiracy.
Patty Lynn: I know they rigged this against her. People don’t just go from first nationally to losing their own state like that.
Marietta: They do, though. She lost support after progressives coalesced behind Benny Metzenberg. Who also mossed but slightly less badly. The party actually did hate him though so you can argue rigging much more with him. I mean, none of us in the Senate liked him. He was like a real-life Curb Your Enthusiasm character.
Patty Lynn: Eh, nah. You’re wrong. You should all boycott the convention.
Marietta: Will you be doing the same? Eileen won’t be.
Patty Lynn: I’m a delegate, you know that. I have to be there to support Eileen! You don’t have to be.
Marietta: Mom, just relax. Milton’s going, dad’s going -
Martin: Don’t bring me into this!
Marietta: Kathleen is going.
Kathleen: I was also asked to speak as if any of you care.
Martin: Good lord, the Dems are desperate.
Kathleen: Oh, shut up, you.
Marietta: Tammy doesn’t like Koobach either but she’s going!
Tammy: About that…
Marietta: Oh god. What’s up with you now?
Tammy: I don’t know if I can go.
Marietta: What? Why wouldn’t you go?
Tammy: I feel like I’m being replaced. No one in the party cares about me.
Marietta: Usually you do get replaced when you retire from public life.
Tammy: No, I’m upset that Koobach’s name is Tammy. That’s my name!
Marietta: Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, give me the strength.
Tammy: I want to support the party, but I feel like I’m just gonna be “The Other Tammy.” You’re the only Marietta.
Marietta: There is a city in Georgia that’s usually considered the primary topic, but I get your point. You don’t need to worry, though. They want you there. They want us all there. We’re Louisiana royalty. You aren’t, but you’re Democratic royalty. Former First Lady and former Senate Majority Leader! You still matter. You’re just not the star Tammy for the moment. Your moment will come again.
Tammy: When I die?
Marietta: You will remain an integral part of Democratic politics forever. Don’t stress.
Tammy: Alright. Maybe I’ll go. I don’t think I’m speaking, though.
Marietta: you don’t have to.
Amy: You know, nobody asked me or invited me to the convention, but I think it’s great that Marietta’s going to speak there. This is a great opportunity for you to raise your profile even more.
Marietta: Thank you, at least someone at this table isn’t insane.
Patty Lynn: What did I say that’s insane?
Kathleen: Someone wasn’t listening to herself speak.
Two weeks later, as the Landfields and Tammy arrive at the convention…
Tammy: I feel ill.
Marietta: What’s wrong? Are you sick?
Tammy: These posters all over the walls here. It’s like we’re at a concert or something, her face is everywhere.
Martin: I hate to break it to you, hon’, but you’re gonna be hearing a lot about her. We are nominating her for president today.
Tammy: I know. I just hate those signs. “Tammy for America.” Like she’s the only one in politics named Tammy. I remember in 2000 when people wanted me to run. I didn’t, but I could’ve and could’ve used that slogan!
Marietta: It’s a very generic slogan for a poster to be honest. All the Way with Tammy K would’ve been better.
Tammy: yes, it would’ve been better. At least it specifies which Tammy is running.
Marietta: You know what? I’ll throw it into my speech tonight. Just for you.
Patty Lynn: Don’t help Koobach! She’s a monster!
Marietta: Oh, good god. Not this. Not now.
Milton runs over to the group.
Milton: Guys! You’re here!
Marietta: Saved by the Milton!
Martin: Where did you come from?
Milton: I was up on the second level because that’s where they’re selling concessions. I thought I heard Tammy’s voice and then I turned around and saw you guys bickering so I ran down quick.
Marietta: And thank god you did. Now, shall we find our seats?
Milton: Yeah, I guess. We’re sitting with the Louisiana delegation.
Tammy: Even me?
Milton: You are a resident of Louisiana, so yeah.
Tammy: I keep forgetting that. I’m so used to being a New Yorker. This still feels like a long vacation.
Marietta: Well, we Landfields are a treat to be around, I can understand every day feeling like a vacation around us.
Tammy: Yes, that’s totally what I meant.
Milton: I’m glad you're all so happy to see me.
Kathleen: Oh, look! Milton’s here! Thank the lord above, my nephew that I saw one week ago is back home. Sweet Jesus, I am so grateful for this opportunity to see him again. Is that what you wanted?
Milton: You know what? Yes, it is.
Kathleen: Happy to oblige.
Patty Lynn: I’m also happy to see you, Milton. I’m just in a mood.
Milton: Are you sad again about Eileen losing? We were fine with it.
Patty Lynn: Sad? I’m beyond sad. And this convention that I for some reason signed up to take part in is what brought these feelings up. Eileen was robbed and they could’ve even repaid her with a VP slot!
Milton: Well, to be fair, Tammy was in a hard place when she was picking her VP. Gretchen Raymond was the only one she gelled with -
Patty Lynn: Ugh. She robbed Eileen of that job!
Kathleen: It could’ve been worse for Eileen. Marjorie Hausen went on TV and told them that she was the pick and then Koobach had to clarify that she wasn’t the pick and then picked Gretchen the next day.
Marietta: We should take our conversation to the convention floor. The speeches are about to start.
Martin: Yes, that sounds great! Let’s move along, I don’t want to miss any speeches.
Tammy: Marietta, you need to sit next to me! I may need for someone to calm me down.
Marietta: Sounds like a plan.
Diana: Marietta Landfield, is that you?
Marietta: Oh no.
Milton: Why are you saying “oh no” as the chair of the DNC rushes towards us?
Marietta: I screwed her over.
Milton: What did you do?
Diana: Marietta!
Marietta: Diana, I am so sorry. I totally meant to email you but the city council’s been jumping down my throat and I completely forgot.
Diana: That’s okay. I was just trying to say hi and wish you good luck on your speech tonight.
Marietta: Oh, that’s sweet. Thank you.
Diana: Now, about that email. I was a little disappointed you didn’t send me your thoughts for the convention but I figured you were busy. I ended up just going with my gut and going through with all of my plans.
Marietta: I’m glad you’re going with your gut. I think I listened to too many people when I chaired the convention and that made it a mess.
Diana: I know you guys were going onto the floor, so go ahead. I gotta gavel us in, anyway.
Marietta: Alright, nice seeing you. Good luck today, I hope it all goes well!
Four hours later, just ahead of Marietta’s speech…
Tammy: Marietta, why did I just watch Marilu Henner, the Wilson sisters from Heart, one of the Glees and Clay Aiken singing the coming out song? And was that Carly Fiorina?
Marietta: You know, I really wish I could say that it wasn’t.
Tammy: Why is our party like this?
Marietta: I really don’t know. I tried to tell Diana not to show that.
Kathleen: They know this is running on TV, right?
Marietta: They do.
Tammy: I think we just lost Iowa.
Marietta: What, you don’t think Dan Rather singing will win us Iowa? Whatever would give you that idea?
Patty Lynn: I told you this party has lost its mind. More proof!
Milton: Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors was in it, but that was more like Little Shop of Horrible.
Marietta: Just like that joke!
Martin: It wasn’t that bad.
Kathleen: Martin, I should never have to hear George Costanza try to sing a high note.
Martin: Christie Brinkley didn’t sound that bad, though.
Tammy: She did. She really did.
Martin: What about Samantha Bee?
Kathleen: She was even worse. It was all just embarrassing. I think I might register as a Republican after that. Brian Delphy is a borderline fascist from the black lung capital of the world but he’d never do that to me.
Marietta: Oh my god! I just realized that I have to go up for my speech now. The sheer awfulness of that video left me unable to move but I gotta go!
Marietta heads backstage for her speech. Ten minutes later, she walks out to the stage.
Marietta: Hello my fellow Democrats and welcome to New Orleans! I am Marietta Landfield, the mayor of this truly glorious city. I know everyone in this room is thrilled to be here and if you’re watching on TV, I invite you to come on down and see what all the fuss is about. Now, I’m not here to promote my city but rather to welcome you to this convention. We’re going to lay out just how important it is for this party to stay united and strong heading into November. We are Democrats and we are progressive and proud! We want to take our country forward, not backward like some people. We will stand up for our planet, and LGBTQ+ rights, and women, and persons of color, and immigrants, and folks of different religious backgrounds. We’re a party of acceptance and love and tolerance. That is what’s at stake in November, and we can never forget that. We had over a dozen candidates for president this year, all with great and unique takes on every issue. There’s no one better to take pieces of the platform of every 2020 Democratic candidate than Tammy Koobach, a woman I was proud to serve alongside in the United States Senate. Even if she wasn’t the candidate you supported at first, she is a uniquely qualified woman who has served her beloved Minnesota with distinction, and she will serve America in the same way. Over this week, we have so many speakers of all backgrounds who will lay out just why Tammy Koobach should be our next president. So sit back, enjoy all that we have in store for you, and let’s move onward to November when we will make Tammy Koobach our 46th president. Let’s go all the way with Tammy K!
The next day, as the family returns for the second day of the convention, they run into Kate and Ellie.
Kate: Marietta, it’s so nice to see you!
Marietta: I can’t believe I didn’t run into you two earlier!
Kate: We were late yesterday, we had to sneak in after they gaveled the convention in.
Ellie: This one was freaking out the whole time.
Kate: I was not. I was just mildly worried.
Ellie: Okay
Kate: We loved your speech last night, though! I heard you’re speaking tonight as well, Kathleen.
Kathleen: Sure am! I was surprised to get the call but I guess I’m the only Democratic politician they could think of from Arkansas that didn’t either die or switch to the party from hell.
Kate: Or maybe they just like you! You’ve spoken at almost every convention since the seventies.
Martin: She sure has! The eighteen seventies, that is.
Kathleen: Oh shut it, Martin. You’re older than me.
Martin: I’m also over the hills, I’ll admit it.
Marietta: Anyway, I really appreciate the kind words. It’s great to be back here, I didn’t think I would ever be after I lost.
Kate: This party loves you. Honestly, if you wouldn’t have lost, you could’ve run for the nomination yourself and won. You know, unlike me when I lost to Sheryl Howard.
Ellie: Speaking of which, what a strange convention without the sitting president even invited!
Marietta: Oh my god, I know!
Kate: I don’t think any sitting president’s ever been straight-up told not to come to their party’s convention before.
Ellie: Diana is kinda savage for that, I like it.
Kate: Sheryl just would’ve been a drag on the whole thing. I’m glad she’s not here. Don’t tell her I said that, she’ll send me a mean tweet on Twitter and I don’t really have the time for that.
Ellie: Your secret’s safe with us. Unless you annoy me, then maybe not.
Kate: So, I got so into conversation with Marietta that I didn’t talk to you, Milton. Or you, Mrs. Landfield. How are you guys liking the convention so far?
Patty Lynn: It’s awful. Other than Marietta’s speech, of course.
Kate: Why do you say that?
Martin: She thinks the nomination was rigged against Eileen Birkman so she’s upset.
Kate: I’m sorry she didn’t win. I didn’t endorse anyone but Eileen is a great lady and I know you guys are close.
Milton: Very close. She did make me a senator, after all.
Ellie: Best decision she ever made! No other Democrat would’ve won that election.
Milton: That’s very sweet.
Ellie: Not as sweet as victory is! Which is what you did for our party and we’re eternally grateful.
Tammy rushes toward the group.
Tammy: What gives, you guys? I go away for ten minutes to buy a bottle of water and you track down Kate and Ellie?
Ellie: Tammy’s freaking out, some things never change.
Tammy: Patty Lynn and I are both freaking out today, just for your information.
Ellie: You supported Birkman too? You’re not even from the south, that doesn’t make sense.
Marietta: She thinks she’s being replaced as our top Tammy.
Kate: Oh, no! Don’t be silly. You’re still our favorite Tammy.
Tammy: I appreciate it. I can’t help but feel like the public will see her as the true Tammy, though. Let me tell you, I was working in Democratic politics when Tammy K was is diapers. I deserve the credit for that.
Ellie: And you’ll get it, don’t you worry. Koobach’s gonna lose it for us because Sheryl is the worst president ever and you’ll be our top Tammy once again.
Tammy: You mean it? You really do?
Kate: You almost sound like you want her to lose?
Tammy: No, I don’t. I’m just jealous. And see her get officially nominated today will sting like hell.
Patty Lynn: I feel you, sister!
Kathleen: That’s an endorsement you don’t want!
Tammy: Let’s talk about something more fun. The Brave singalong!
Ellie: Good god that was awful. I thought my ears were about to explode. I wish they did, actually. By the end of that, I was hoping for the sweet release of death.
Kate: It was certainly a sight to behold.
Marietta: Not a pretty one.
Kate: I don’t know who told Jane Curtin to sing, but they should not have.
Marietta: Aren’t you guys excited for What the World Needs Now Is Love tomorrow?
Ellie: I think I’m staying at the hotel.
Marietta: Sounds like a plan!
The next day, on the third day of the convention…
Patty Lynn: I have to be entirely honest, Marietta.
Marietta: This should be good.
Patty Lynn: I’m coming to terms with Tammy K being the nominee.
Marietta: Did you hear that, people? Did we get that recorded?
Patty Lynn: Don’t act so surprised.
Milton: You did spend the past few weeks acting like Koobach is the literal spawn of the devil.
Patty Lynn: That I did. But after the nomination vote yesterday and hearing some of the speeches, I feel better.
Kathleen: You mean my speech, don’t you? Thank you.
Tammy: I also feel better, even though no one asked. People are using that “All the way with Tammy K” slogan so I feel a bit betty. I’m still the main Tammy.
Marietta: I really am a humanitarian. You’re welcome.
Martin: Why do we always talk in the lobby?
Marietta: Because we take different cars and it’s loud on the convention floor.
Milton: You’re right, it’s very quiet out here.
Marietta: Shut it, Milton.
Tammy: Hey, Marietta. Look who it is.
Marietta turns to see Gretchen Raymond walking toward them.
Marietta: Yo, Gretchen! Get over here!
Gretchen: Marietta! Your speech was wonderful. Tammy’s already sold out of her “All the Way with Tammy K” t-shirts.
Tammy: Tammy Koobach, that is.
Gretchen: Yes, of course. You’re still the main Tammy.
Marietta: It’s hard to believe we’re here like this. The last time you were in Louisiana, people were yelling at you about being a loser and you were getting drunk at my son’s wedding. Now we’re about to nominate you for Vice President!
Gretchen: Well, people are still calling me a loser but it’s less frequent. Probably gonna pick back up now that I’m the VP nominee. You know, Iowa’s not gonna like me. I’m a little scared to go there, actually.
Marietta: Oh, you’ll be fine. You’re gonna be our Vice President!
Gretchen: Let’s be realistic, Marietta. We’re not going to win. This should just raise my national profile a bit, maybe set up my own run in 2024.
Marietta: There’s one way to look at it.
Patty Lynn: Hey, Gretchen. I have a bone to pick with you!
Gretchen: I’ve heard that a few times.
Patty Lynn: You didn’t stick up for me on Bake Your Heart Out. I went home first and it’s my greatest shame!
Gretchen: I’m sorry, I couldn’t vouch for you just because we already know each other. I tried to point out that others were worse but that Frances doesn’t listen.
Marietta: Don’t you dare criticize Frances.
Gretchen: I’m not! Please don’t tell the people of Rhode Island I said anything that could be regarded as criticism, I think my approval numbers will drop.
Marietta: Probably. The audience of that show is like a cult.
Gretchen: Anyway, I think I’d better get to the convention floor. I’ve got a big night tonight and I have to relax a bit by hearing the beautiful calming sounds of hundreds of conversations happening concurrently on the convention floor.
Marietta: That’s right! It’s your big speech! And me and Tammy and the rest of the Landfields and also Joy Behar for some reason will all be watching proudly!
Gretchen: Thank you. I appreciate it. Now, off I go.
Two days later, at Martin and Patty Lynn’s…
Kate: I’m so glad you guys invited us for your weekly brunch. And that you moved it up a day to accommodate us.
Patty Lynn: It’s no problem, girls. You’re like family.
Amy: Am I like family?
Martin: Family-adjacent.
Kathleen: Very, very adjacent; but slowly coming closer despite our better judgment.
Amy: I’ll take it!
Marietta: You should all feel very honored that she changed the date of brunch for you. Since we started doing it earlier this summer, she hasn’t changed it once. Not even when I asked her.
Milton: She has to do it on Saturdays so I can be here. Clearly.
Marietta: You keep thinking that.
Patty Lynn: I did start it to give us a way to connect with Milton in Washington.
Milton: Ha!
Marietta: So, mom, Tammy, how are you feeling about the convention now that it’s done?
Tammy: I feel better. I’m glad to say that. I actually really enjoyed being there and I had such anxiety about going.
Marietta: Anxiety? Don’t know what that’s like!
Tammy: Dare I say that, besides those god-awful songs, it was actually fun?
Ellie: Those were so bad! I told Diana not to do it but some people just don’t listen.
Kate: Well, to be fair, you don’t want to make Debra Messing mad by not showing the music video of her singing Brave. That would end the Democratic Party.
Ellie: Yeah, good point. You’re right.
Marietta: Mom, you didn’t answer me. How did you like it?
Patty Lynn: I have to agree with Tammy. I was already warming up to the whole thing a few days in but by the end, I really enjoyed it. I’m very glad I went. Eileen looked like she was having fun, too, that made me feel better.
Marietta: You know, considering everything going on right now and the fact that our president has a twenty-four percent approval rating, this is the first time I’ve felt good about that election in months. That convention really laid out our vision for this country nicely.
Milton: Well, guess we’re losing. Marietta’s confident, that’s always a bad sign.
What did you think of this special episode? Comment your thoughts, listen to the official season two playlist, vote in the poll below, and make sure to return for season three in October and read the series premiere of Frances In the Kitchen next Monday at 8!
