Frances in the Kitchen Season 1, Episode 1
Pilot in the Kitchen
The year is 2010. Frances Conner, the host of the popular Baking Network series Frances In The Kitchen, is driving home after a day of filming, singing along to Naked Eyes’ Always Something There To Remind Me when she sees something outside her house that makes her stop her car and jump out.
Frances: What in the world is going on here?
Jimmy MacKenzie, Frances’ brother, is standing behind a moving truck with his wife Louise and daughter Lauren, as Frances’ husband Greg watches on.
Frances: Why is there a moving truck outside of my house, and why do the three of you look like you haven’t slept in days. Louise, you always look like that but you two don’t.
Louise: Lovely to see you as always, Frances.
Jimmy: Let me handle this one, Louise.
Louise: You’re probably going to screw it up, let me handle it.
Jimmy: I will do it, Louise. She’s my sister.
Lauren: Aunt Frances -
Frances: Oh, I never noticed how it sounds like you’re saying “Anne Francis” when you call me that.
Lauren: Who?
Frances: She was in Forbidden Planet. Never mind, I’m old. Continue.
Lauren: Aunt Frances, we’re moving to California. Dad sold the house and we need to stay with you for a while.
Frances: Ha!
Lauren: What does that mean?
Frances: Ha!
Lauren: Mom, she’s scaring me.
Greg: I think she’s overheating.
Frances starts walking away.
Jimmy: Frances, where are you going?
Greg: Frances!
Lauren: Should I not have done that?
Jimmy: You did great, honey.
Louise: You are an idiot, Jimmy.
Jimmy: You’re the one who didn’t want me to tell her.
Louise: That doesn’t make you not an idiot.
Greg: Frances, come back!
Frances gets in her car and starts driving away.
Greg: She does this sometimes.
Jimmy: She does? Since when?
Greg: I annoy her a lot.
Jimmy: Does she not want us to stay here?
Louise: What the hell do you think? You just told me yesterday while we were driving through Nevada that she had no idea we were planning to live with her. I would’ve made you tell her in advance but I was so pissed off that I didn’t speak to you for the rest of the ride. I imagine she feels similarly.
Lauren: Are we going to have to go back to Michigan?
Jimmy: No, honey.
Louise: Your dad won’t be. We might.
Jimmy: What does that mean?
Louise: If you don’t straighten this out with Frances, I’m going to kill you.
Jimmy: When do you think she’ll get back?
Greg: It could be anytime. Ten minutes from now, later tonight, no one knows. Depends how mad she is.
Jimmy: How mad do you think she is?
Greg: She had a murderous look in her eye.
Jimmy: So, three hours?
Louise: God, you’re an idiot. She’s pissed at you, it’ll be a while. What don’t you get?
Greg: On that note, I made tea! Who wants some?
Louise: Do you have booze to put in it?
Greg: Yes, Louise. I can understand the request.
Lauren: I need some booze, too. This is nerve-racking.
Louise: You’re a child, Lauren.
Lauren: I’m twenty-two years old.
Louise: Okay, fine. Give her some booze, too. It’s been a humiliating and dehumanizing few days. Mostly thanks to her dad.
Thirty minutes later, Frances arrives at the home of Marcia Conner-Klein, her sister-in-law. Her assistant Jane, who lives down the street from Marcia, meets her there as well.
Marcia: Frances, what’s going on?
Jane: Yeah, Kara and I were in the middle of something when I got your call.
Marcia: What were you in the middle of?
Jane: You know…
Marcia: Crafting? Watching TV? Eating dinner?
Jane: S-E-X.
Marcia: Oh! Didn’t need to know that.
Jane: Didn’t want to share it either but I was afraid you’d keep asking.
Marcia: I would’ve.
Frances: Ladies, ladies. Can I speak?
Marcia: Yes, go ahead.
Frances: I am in crisis. My family is in crisis.
Marcia: Oh no, what did Greg do now?
Frances: Actually, nothing. Like, literally nothing.
Marcia: So what’s up?
Frances: My brother and sister-in-law are here from Michigan.
Jane: Isn’t that a good thing?
Frances: Usually. I love my bother. And his daughter Lauren, and even Louise. However, things are a little different this time. You see, they’ve decided they’re moving in.
Jane: Wait, what?
Frances: Yeah, I was confused as well. I drove into our cul-de-sac and saw Jimmy standing behind a moving truck. Greg was completely useless and just stood there watching him as he unloaded his possessions into our house.
Marcia: That sounds like my brother.
Frances: I can’t even believe the nerve of my brother! He could’ve asked me last month if he could move in for a while, I wouldn’t have had any problem. I have a guest cottage for a reason. The fact that he tried to just move in without telling me absolutely infuriates me. It’s so sketchy and I hate when people try to undermine me.
Jane: I understand where you’re coming from, Frances. My dad used to just disappear randomly for a week at a time and then just reappear as if nothing happened. One time he disappeared for like a year.
Frances: I feel like that’s not at all the same as my situation or relevant in any way, but I admire you for trying.
Marcia: One time, when I was fresh out of college, I had a boyfriend that slowly started moving things into my apartment. First a toothbrush, then a box of clothing, then some books, then a beanbag chair, so on, so forth. It took me about two weeks to nice and that’s when he admitted that his landlord was kicking him out and he was going to live with me for a while. I broke up with him and kept his beanbag chair.
Frances: See, that story actually helps me.
Jane: Well, sorry. I guess I’ll reveal my childhood trauma to someone else.
Frances: Sorry, Jane. I’m in a very tricky predicament right now, I don’t mean to take it out on you.
Marcia: Would you like a beer?
Frances: Yeah, I’m good. Any advice before I have to go back home, though?
Marcia: Well, where’s your head at? Are you okay with your brother staying with you even though he kept it a secret from you?
Frances: This really isn’t a good time considering everything going on with the show.
Jane: There’s stuff going on with the show? Like what?
Frances: Oh, Jane. You are so pure and clueless.
Jane: I know.
Marcia: Just tell him you’re going through some difficult times and that he’s going to have to be drama-free if he wants to stay.
Jane: Seriously, what’s going on with the show?
Frances: Just network politics. Don’t worry about it, it’s for Beverly and Marcia and me to deal with.
Jane: Where is Beverly, by the way?
Frances: Probably lost in traffic. Or she forgot. You never know with her.
Marcia: Of course, only tell him this if you don’t actually mind him and the girls staying.
Frances: I appreciate that you just ignored Jane entirely.
Marcia: Sorry, Jane. I have just given up on Beverly successfully making it to my house on time.
Jane: Are you still mad about your birthday party?
Marcia: Jane, she walked in while everyone was singing Happy Birthday. She was two hours late and it ruined everything.
Frances: Well, as informative as this has been, I think I’d better get home. I have a brother to tell off and then tell he can stay here. Because I’m just that kind of person.
Jane: You’re incredible.
Frances: I know.
Fifty minutes later, after sitting in some traffic, Frances parks into her driveway and enters her house.
Jimmy: Frances! You’re back! I told you it wouldn’t be that long, Louise.
Louise: Just be quiet. Just, be silent. For. One. Minute.
Frances: Listen to me, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh boy.
Frances: What you pulled today was truly one of the worst things you’ve ever done to me. Can you imagine how it feels to get home from work after a long and painful shoot that has left my feet bleeding because my shoes are digging into my skin, just to see a moving van in my driveway? My stress level just shot through the roof. Just to deviate from that for a second, Greg, why did you not call me?
Greg: I did!
Frances: You did not.
Greg: Check your phone!
Frances: You did.
Jimmy: Frances, I’m sorry.
Frances: I’m not done.
Louise: You’re really gonna get it now. You go, Frances. Girl power!
Frances: Jimmy, you drove all the way from Michigan with a moving truck full of all of the garbage in your house.
Jimmy: Some of it we had mailed!
Frances: I don’t care. What I’m trying to say is, you took some time for this move. And I love you, I do. I don’t want to disappoint you and tell you that you can’t stay here.
Jimmy: What are you saying, then?
Frances: Never do this again. Respect me enough to tell me your plans. I owe you nothing. I don’t owe you a place to live in, I don’t even owe you kindness after this stunt. You should have told me what your intentions were. However, I’ll let you guys move in. To the guest cottage. Under some terms. First, you have to tell me why you suddenly decided to up and move to California.
Jimmy: It’s a long story.
Louise: Jimmy lost his job because his company was eliminating his department.
Frances: Oh, Jimmy. I’m sorry. You should’ve told me if you were having tough times.
Jimmy: No, I’m too prideful for that.
Frances: Jimmy… look where you are right now.
Jimmy: I know, I know.
Lauren: I told dad we should move out here. Mom retired last year, dad lost his job, and I have been practicing my craft.
Frances: What would that be, dear?
Lauren: Acting!
Frances: Oh no.
Lauren: What’s wrong with acting?
Frances: Nothing. But if you moved here just for that reason, it’s worrying. It’s so hard to get a start here and you are so young, I don’t want you to go on a fool’s errand. Making it in show business is no easy feat
Jimmy: You’re in showbiz though, Frances.
Frances: That didn’t come to me quickly, though. I worked at a small bakery back home in Michigan, then I met Greg at college and we fell in love and he encouraged me to go to school for culinary arts. We moved out to California together because that’s where he was from. It took another decade for me to actually become successful and win by James Beard and eventually get on television. It took hard work. I don’t want Lauren to set herself up for failure. I want her to have a backup plan because I didn’t and it was hard for us for a long time. And that was without my parents’ futures also depending on me making it big. Just think about this, Lauren.
Lauren: You have nothing to worry about. I’m going to get an actual job and go to college for the performing arts out here in California, I’ve already been accepted. I’m getting an education and making a living.
Frances: You should have led with that. I feel much better now.
Lauren: I didn’t want to brag.
Frances: That sounds like something your father would say.
Jimmy: I know, I’m so proud of her.
Frances: Okay, so now that I know why you’re here. The other ground rules for staying here. Jimmy, you have to get a job so you can pay rent. I don’t mind helping you out, so I won’t charge you a lot, but I need to charge you something to ensure you don’t stay here for an eternity.
Jimmy: Sounds good.
Louise: I’m going to get a job, too. What better way to kick off this new part of my life than to come out of a cozy retirement and get back into the workforce? Maybe I can work as a Walmart greeter. I’m old and I know how to wave, those are the only requirements, right?
Jimmy: Come on, Louise. You don’t need to get a job.
Louise: No, I have to. You think I’m gonna want to spend all day in that little guest cottage? Or even worse, come over here and sit around and watch soaps with Greg?
Greg: Hey! My soaps are fun! I’m fun!
Frances: Yes, you’re my trophy husband.
Louise: It’s a pretty beat up trophy. The patina is wearing off a bit.
Jimmy: Louise, be nice.
Louise: I am nice, I’m just joking. You know that, Greg.
Greg: Yep, one-hundred percent.
Frances: Jimmy, before we move you into the guest cottage and make this family reunion official, may I ask what happened to your house back in Michigan? You know, the one our parents built and raised us in?
Jimmy: Well, I didn’t need it anymore. So I sold it.
Frances: Why did you not tell me you were selling it? I would’ve bought it!
Jimmy: Do you really need a house in Michigan that you were never going to use?
Frances: Yes! It’s our family’s history!
Jimmy: Well, you’ll have to talk to cousin Jackie about that because I sold her the house.
Frances: Oh, thank god. You scared the hell out of me!
Jimmy: I know. I enjoyed it a lot.
Louise: Jimmy, you’ve made enough enemies recently, maybe don't try to make your sister hate you again just after she forgave your stupidity.
Jimmy: Sorry, Frances.
Frances: I don’t mind you messing with me. A lot worse has happened to me today.
Jimmy: Is that a reference to…
Frances: You not telling me you’re moving into my house? Yes, yes it is. Now, let’s get this truck unloaded.
Greg: What about dinner?
Frances: You go ahead and make it. I have a lot more muscle than you, anyway. You go in and make some fish tacos or whatever you’d like.
Greg: Alright, sounds fine by me. Even if you did just hurt my feelings a little.
The next day, Frances walks into work and is stopped by her producer, Beverly Charlotte.
Beverly: Frances, where were you yesterday?
Frances: Where was I? Where were you?
Beverly: I got there and Marcia told me you left five minutes before that.
Frances: I was waiting for you for like twenty minutes. I figured you just forgot, not like that would be surprising considering everything going on here lately.
Beverly: You have nothing to worry about, and neither do I.
Frances: That Showbiz Weekly article said that the Baking Channel was looking to scrap up to fifty percent of their current shows in order to reinvigorate their brand and expand their audience. That would make anyone nervous about their future.
Beverly: I talked to Charlie last night. No worries. Your ratings are still strong, you’ll get to finish out your contract at the very least.
Frances: Oh, good. I’ll get to be on the air until mid-2011. That’s not that long.
Beverly: It’s better than some of the others. They’re gonna be done by the end of August.
Frances: I guess I’ll take it. Now, did Marcia or Jane tell you what it was that I called you about?
Beverly: I don’t even know if Jane can read a book. That girl…
Jane: I can read! Just because I space out and don’t pay attention to others doesn’t mean I’m dumb.
Marcia: I told her, Frances. Ignore Jane’s nonsense.
Frances: I often do.
Marcia: So, how did it go?
Frances: Well, I didn’t send Jimmy to prison, like where Jane’s father obviously was when he kept disappearing.
Jane: He was? I have to call my mom.
Frances: I think I may have just ruined Jane’s life.
Beverly: Don’t worry, she’ll forget by tomorrow.
Frances: I talked to Jimmy and the girls. Jimmy lost his job in Michigan and they moved out here to make Lauren’s dreams of becoming an actress come true. She’s already enrolled in college. They’re all getting jobs and will pay me rent until they can find a house. Houses are a lot more here than in Michigan so they don’t have the money to buy a house yet. All is well. I decided to be forgiving because family is important and I don’t want to push them away.
Marcia: Good for you!
Beverly: That’s exactly the advice I would’ve given you if you would’ve waited for me to get there.
Marcia: Sure it is.
Beverly: It is!
Marcia: Did you give him any conditions to stay at your house like I suggested?
Frances: No, I forgot.
Beverly: See, Marcia and I were of equal help and I wasn’t even there!
Marcia: I was still more helpful than Jane!
Jane: Hey! I’m helpful.
Frances: Ladies, ladies, calm down. You were all equally useless to me!
What did you think of the series premiere of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to return next week for an all-new episode!
