Christina: Mom, are you coming to the game tonight?
Gretchen: What game?
Christina: The Oysters game! We gotta enjoy the season while it’s still going on, it’s not like they’re making the post-season.
Gretchen: I don’t think I’m allowed to go.
Christina: Why wouldn’t you be? You’re the reason the team even exists!
Gretchen: I don’t think that’s entirely fair, don’t blame me for this.
Christina: It’s a good thing, mom!
Gretchen: Look at their record… is it really a good thing?
Christina: It’s a community bonding experience!
Gretchen: Yes, they play so poorly, they make the whole community bond over their misery. It’s called commiseration. Maybe they should change their name. The Providence Commiserators.
Christina: They’ll turn it around one day.
Gretchen: Like the Rockies?
Christina: Don’t mock the Rockies, they’re much better than us.
Gretchen: But anyway, I’m not allowed to go because Carol would be furious. Their general manager is running against her for lieutenant governor, going would be like a betrayal, at least in her eyes.
Anthony: A Democrat in Major League Baseball? Well, that’s inspirational!
Gretchen: He’s not made a great case that we have any baseball expertise. The team is…
Christina: .108 for the season.
Anthony: Could be worse!
Gretchen: We have twelve wins!
Anthony: I’m just proud we exist at all!
Gretchen: We’re just a free win on every team’s schedule. But, you know, enjoy the game, kiddo. Maybe they’ll win!
Christina: Great joke, mom!
Anthony: What do we have on the agenda on this beautiful Sunday afternoon?
Gretchen: Absolutely nothing! Today’s a much-needed day off. Maybe we’ll go in the pool, maybe we’ll grill, maybe I’ll cut that watermelon and we can eat it and watch the sunset.
Christina: Sounds like a thrilling day.
Gretchen: I don’t want thrilling. I want relaxing. I get enough thrill at work.
Christina: Now I know you’re lying. Working at the Rhode Island State House is thrilling?
Gretchen: You sound like your grandmother now!
Christina: Someone has to carry on the tradition of mocking your job!
Toby: I think mom’s job is awesome!
Gretchen: Thank you, Toby! It isn’t, but I love that you have so much support for me. If only your sister could be more like you.
Christina: I support you! I’m only a season pass holder of our dog-shit MLB team because you were responsible for closing the deal in bringing them here! That’s support! And with that, I’m off to the game!
Later that day…
Anthony: Gretchen, the phone’s ringing.
Gretchen: I know. I’m not answering, but I know.
Anthony: It could be an emergency.
Gretchen: On my day off?
Anthony: I don’t think they usually schedule emergencies.
Gretchen: Oh, shush!
Anthony: Didn’t you ask Sarita to look over candidates to replace her as your assistant? It could be that!
Gretchen: I said shush! I’m enjoying the pool!
Anthony: All right, fine. After all, you’ve reached the point in your governorship where you can just start ignoring your responsibilities. You’ll be out of office soon, so it’s not like they can recall you. Your sister is the speaker of the house, she won’t impeach you. You can just ride this term out entirely stress-free.
Gretchen: Yes, exactly!
Fifteen minutes later…
Anthony: The phone keeps ringing! I really think it could be urgent.
Gretchen: You can answer it.
Anthony: No one ever calls for me.
Gretchen: You’ll never know if it’s for you until you go and check for yourself.
Anthony: I swear you just love to be difficult sometimes.
Gretchen: I do! It’s fun to give people a hard time.
Anthony: I’m going to answer the phone, regardless of who it’s for.
Gretchen: Go ahead! It’ll get rid of that incredibly irritating noise, which I’d appreciate.
Anthony walks into the house and picks up the phone.
Anthony: Hello!
Carol: Anthony! Gosh, finally someone picked up! I’ve been calling!
Anthony: Oh, we know. Gretchen didn’t want to be bothered. Don’t take it personal - she didn’t know it was you, she didn’t want anyone calling. She’s relaxing.
Carol: That sure makes me feel better.
Anthony: Do you want me to grab her? I’m sure she’d -
Carol: No, it’s fine. Just tell her to call me tomorrow to discuss an important campaign matter.
Anthony: Is something wrong?
Carol: Not necessarily. I’m just not experienced with running for office myself, I need advice from a seasoned pro.
Anthony: I won’t word it quite like that. You know how much she hates being made to feel “old.”
Carol: I didn’t mean it that way. Heck, I’m older than her!
Anthony: But you know how her mind works.
Carol: She’s a fascinating woman.
Anthony: It was nice talking to you, Carol.
Carol: You, too! Enjoy your day of relaxation, tell Gretchen I’ll talk to her tomorrow.
Anthony: Bye!
Anthony hangs up and walks back outside.
Gretchen: So, who was the urgent call from?
Anthony: Carol. She wanted to talk about her campaign.
Gretchen: Oh boy. What’s wrong?
Anthony: She didn’t say, but something probably is. I could sense it in her voice.
Gretchen: Oh really? I didn’t realize you were psychic now.
Anthony: I didn’t say I was psychic.
Gretchen: She probably wants me to campaign with her or something. No biggie!
Anthony: She called like fifteen times for that?
Gretchen: She talked to you and didn’t tell you anything was wrong after fifteen calls went unanswered. I assure you, she’s just a very stubborn woman who won’t be ignored.
Anthony: If you insist. May the pool relaxation resume.
The next day…
Gretchen: Massachusetts, we’ve got a special visitor today.
Sarita: Is it your new assistant?
Gretchen: No, you haven’t picked her out yet.
Esther: Why does it have to be a beer? I told you, my nephew could -
Gretchen: No! I don’t do nepotism hires!
Sarita: Was my predecessor not Carol’s daughter?
Gretchen: That was a rare exception. She was incredibly qualified. But speaking of Carol, she is stopping by to talk about her campaign.
Sarita: Is that legal?
Gretchen: Probably. I don’t know, and I don’t really care.
Esther: Your sister is the speaker of the house!
Gretchen: Yes, I’m aware.
Esther: I’m just pushing back on you saying you don’t do nepotism hires!
Gretchen: Esther, we’ve moved past that.
Carol: Who missed me?
Sarita: Carol! It’s not the same without you!
Carol: Are you crying?
Sarita: I’m so busy! I never realized how much work actually went in to running this state.
Carol: Even a small state takes a lot of work to care for if you’re doing it right.
Gretchen: I couldn’t do it without you guys!
Carol: We know!
Sarita: So, how’s the campaign going?
Esther: I just put your yard sign out! I’m helping to get the word out!
Carol; Thank you for that. I don’t know if your endorsement will help, but… well, that’s what I’m here to talk about.
Gretchen: Is something wrong?
Carol: I’m getting destroyed in fundraising. Who would’ve guessed that the MLB guy has connections to rich people?
Gretchen: I have connections myself. I can shoot out a fundraising email. I can even get in touch with some of my donors. Did you try talking with Carrie about this?
Carol: I don’t want to bother her. She has a competitive race of her own to worry about.
Gretchen: Well, that’s fair. It’s well-documented that I am on my way out and have nothing else to do.
Carol: You took that wrong.
Gretchen: No, it’s fine. It’s the truth.
Carol: I’m just so worried about Franklin being able to buy this race.
Gretchen: Maybe remind the voters what an awful team he put together! He’s responsible for the Oysters being horrendous! Christina was so distraught by what they put out on the field last night that she came home from the game and fell face-first onto the couch and just sobbed into the pillows.
Carol: Would that even matter to voters? Most Rhode Islanders are still Red Sox fans.
Gretchen: Yeah, because the Sox are still capable of winning games. But it’s still an effective line of attack! He’s so bad at his current job, imagine how bad he’d be as lieutenant governor.
Samantha: Did someone call for me?
Gretchen: No one has ever called for the lieutenant governor!
Samantha: That was mean!
Gretchen: I’m sorry. We’re just stressed for poor Carol.
Samantha: Why? Is something happening?
Carol: I’m running for lieutenant governor. Are you unaware?
Samantha: I’m being purposefully shady, because you’re campaigning as the unofficial running mate of my chief rival.
Carol: You’re still my #2 pick for governor!
Samantha: We don’t have ranked-choice voting! That doesn’t matter!
Carol: We should try passing that, Gretchen!
Gretchen: We probably should’ve considered it before we started printing the ballots for the primary with four viable candidates running and also Hank Matthews.
Samantha: For what it’s worth, Carol, I do think I’m going to vote for you. You’re a friend, after all. Even if you are also a traitor!
Carol: That means so much to me, Pratt. Would you mind making sure you mention that while you’re campaigning? I really need the help.
Samantha: Are the polls that bad that you need my help?
Carol: It’s not the polls. It’s the giant cash advantage that Jeremiah Franklin has. He’s mostly able to self-fund. That matters in a race where most people aren’t highly engaged.
Samantha: I may be able to drop in a quasi-endorsement of you in one of my campaign events, if you think it’d help. I don’t really want to be governing with the baseball guy. And I hate Adrian Schmidt.
Carol: I forgot we even had a treasurer before this campaign started. He certainly doesn’t do much.
Gretchen: I have no comment on that, as I have a perfectly cordial relationship with the general treasurer.
Mary: What is going on here? It looks like the Real Housewives of Rhode Island cast reunion in this office!
Carol: Maybe we can get them to donate to my campaign! You are friends with them, Gretchen!
Gretchen: Oh… most of them are… the R-word.
Esther: I don’t think that’s appropriate at all to say in the office!
Gretchen: Republicans!
Esther: My god, that’s even worse.
Carol: Friends make sacrifices for f-
Gretchen: It’s not happening.
Carol: It was worth a shot.
Mary: Why is Carol panhandling?
Carol: I’m getting my ass kicked in fundraising! If that keeps up…
Mary: You’re screwed! Got it!
Gretchen: What if we throw a swanky fundraiser? I’ll invite all my friends in high places, we’ll charge per plate, it’ll be a classy event that will print cash. You’ll catch up to the Oyster man in no time.
Samantha: God, I love oysters.
Gretchen: We live in Rhode Island, we all do!
Carol: You think we could put something like that together quickly?
Gretchen: Do you even have a campaign manager?
Carol: I mostly run my own campaign.
Gretchen: My god. It’d be a miracle if you w - never mind.
Samantha: I hear Jeanne is going to endorse Franklin, actually.
Gretchen: Oh, then never mind on the fundraiser. That’ll be enough to repel people from him. You can win without running a single ad!
What did you think of this episode of Raymond Island? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new Raymond Island tomorrow night!
