Alysa: Steven! Did you see that?
Steven: See what? Did Caitlin take her first steps?
Alysa: Why would you think that?
Steven: You’re shouting like something really important just happened.
Alysa: Something important did just happen! The Washington Mystics just qualified for the WNBA playoffs!
Steven: You watch the WNBA?
Alysa: Yeah, my mom’s a big fan.
Frank: That explains it.
Alysa: Come on, you guys have seen me watching it. Right?
Steven: I’m usually busy watching racing.
Alysa: Once a week!
Frank: I try not to spy on you kids too much.
Alysa: No one in this house knew that I liked basketball?
Betty: I did! I really felt like we could bond over it, until I realized you liked the Mystics.
Alysa: What team do you like?
Betty: The Fever!
Cindy: I’m a big fan of Soph-
Betty: Don’t even.
Teri: Caitlin Clark!
Betty: Yeah, she’s pretty cool. I saw clips of her on the Facebook. That’s why I started watching!
Ralph: Are you sure they weren’t AI? Facebook is almost exclusively AI these days.
Teri: I went on there for about five minutes, saw a video of a dog getting a haircut at a barber shop, and just closed my computer.
Cindy: Those videos are so funny!
Teri: They are stupid! All AI is stupid!
Cindy: That’s not fair.
Teri: To what? The computer generating the slop?
Karl: They want to build one of those data centers in Lakey.
Alysa: And that’s a problem for a different day, because again, my Mystics are going to the playoffs! I want to go to the game they play at home. Steven, take me to the game!
Steven: Um, uh…
Jerry: Wrong response, kid.
Rick: Happy wife, happy life!
Steven: I think it would be great to go to the game. We could use a night to ourselves.
Tammi: Who said anything about going by yourselves? Uh-uh, you’re not giving me a second grandchild by forty.
Frank: Forty? Babe…
Tammi: I’m not forty! I’m thirty-six!
Teri: Isn’t it crazy that my niece is ten years older than I am?
Betty: What’s crazy is that you still haven’t given me a grandchild. For all I know, Ralph’s beaten you to it.
Ralph: At least a 70% chance that’s true, yes.
Karl: I don’t know if that’s something to be proud of, son.
Ralph: I didn’t say I was proud. I was simply acknowledging the reality of the situation.
Steven: Mom, we’re married -
Tammi: Enough of that! I don’t want to be reminded.
Steven: You were the one that said -
Tammi: Because it’s what God wants. Not what I want! I want my child to be a normal senior. I thought he was, I always bragged about how good you were and how you were so responsible. And then you had a baby at seventeen!
Betty: If only Teri had the same dedication to reproduction.
Teri: I think it’s a bit odd to be upset I wasn’t a teen mom.
Betty: I’d be okay with you having been a mom in her 30s, but that’s passed you by, too!
Ralph: Wow, she got you.
Teri: Were we not talking about basketball?
Alysa: I’m so sorry I started this. In my defense, I was away the past few days, and somehow, that was enough for me to forget that you are all completely insane.
Danielle: Give it time, you won’t be able to forget eventually.
Jerry: You choose to be here.
Rick: I wish it were a choice for me and Jeanette.
Jeanette: Let’s not talk about being broke. We don’t need to depress the kids any further.
Alysa: Thank you, at least someone in this house is courteous.
Betty: I’m very courteous. It’s why I will pay for your basketball tickets if you let me go with!
Steven: Grandma Betty…
Betty: It’ll be a fun family trip!
Teri: No, it will not be. You make everything a production.
Betty: I do not!
Alysa: I think we should take her up on her offer. When else are we going to get free tickets to the WNBA Playoffs?
Frank: Don’t they usually just give those away?
Alysa: I’m sick of you guys disrespecting my passion!
Jerry: We didn’t even know it was your passion before ten minutes ago.
Steven: Well, it is, so everyone lay off of it.
Alysa: I could’ve been in the WNBA one day if not for… you know.
Tammi: Don’t blame my son! You didn’t even play basketball in high school, let alone in the pros!
Cindy: Honey, please don’t bicker with your daughter-in-law. It’s so cliche.
Ralph: Not to mention, Jesus wouldn’t approve.
Cindy: That felt like a dig, but I actually agree.
Ralph: Of course you would.
Karl: So how many tickets am I paying for? And how much is that going to cost?
Betty: We’re all going!
Jerry: Oh, no thank you.
Teri: Of course Jerry doesn’t want to support women. I also don’t want to go, but it’s for a different reason. I don’t want to drive to DC. Ew. I hate driving.
Betty: The drive isn’t that long!
Alysa: I feel like I made a mistake asking you about this in front of other people.
Steven: You did.
Alysa: You know, the tickets are like $200.
Karl: Betty, I am not paying $2400 for us to all see a basketball game.
Steven: That’s a lot of money. I didn’t realize it was that expensive.
Alysa: Am I not worth it to you?
Jerry: Oh boy. Good luck with that one.
Steven: I just don’t want my grandmother paying that much money.
Betty: It’s no problem!
Karl: We’re not Rockefellers, honey.
Betty: It can be their Christmas gift. It can be everyone’s Christmas gift!
Danielle: I’d like to opt out and instead request a new coffee maker.
Betty: That’s not an option!
Alysa: I really don’t think we should force anyone to go if they don’t want. Really, I was hoping for it to just be me and Steven, anyway. We need some alone time.
Betty: I get it. I’ll still get you the tickets. And then I’ll just sit away from you guys.
Karl: I don’t really want you in an arena alone. I’ll come with, too.
Alysa: And that’s it? Please?
Jacqueline: I’m too poor to have any opinion on this.
Rick: God, I miss when we were rich.
Teri: Me, too. That sailboat was something else!
Rick: Please don’t bring up the sailboat! It hurts too much!
Teri: So we’ve settled the basketball game drama?
Alysa: Yes, it’s just the four of us going. None of you have to go.
Cindy: Hallelujah!
Tammi: Are you sure you can handle chaperoning them, grandma?
Steven: We’re not kids, mom.
Tammi: You are to me!
Steven: We’re adults, who are married and have a daughter. You don’t have to watch over us and worry.
Tammi: You being married and having a daughter is why I worry! You’re so young! You should be enjoying life, being care-free. Instead, you’ve had to grow up too fast!
Teri: I think them being care-free got them in this situation, no?
Tammi: Good point. Maybe don’t be so care-free.
Alysa: Don’t worry, we use protection now.
Tammi: Ah, don’t tell me that!
Frank: I think I’m gonna go make dinner.
Betty: Like hell you will! You don’t cook! I’m not trusting my dinner in your hands!
Frank: I just needed an excuse to leave the room.
Betty: Be my guest! I’d love to not be around you!
On game day…
Alysa: Guys, we gotta go! The game’s at 7:30!
Steven: It’s not that late! We have plenty of time!
Alysa: It’s 4:30.
Steven: We’ve got three hours.
Alysa: We have to be in our seats before the game starts.
Steven: The game never starts on time!
Betty: We do need to go, though. I don’t want to be late. I want to meet Sonia Citron.
Steven: Oh, I like Sonia Citron. She’s cool.
Alysa: She’s cool? She’s the greatest player to ever set foot on a court.
Steven: All right, she’s great, she walks on water, I wish I married her instead.
Alysa: Better.
Steven: You thought that was better? I just said I wished I married another woman.
Jerry: Rookie mistake! They really don’t like when you say that!
Teri: Boy, I wonder why.
Alysa: Steven, anyone who wouldn’t marry Sonia Citron if given the chance is a moron. I’d marry her!
Cindy: Oh, no. Steven, I’m sorry this is happening to you. I should’ve seen the warning signs when she said she started watching the WNBA.
Alysa: I think you took my statement wrong.
Cindy: No, I don’t think there was any other way to take it.
Teri: We’re very proud of you for speaking your truth.
Alysa: I don’t have time for this, we gotta go.
Karl: I’ll get the car started.
Alysa: Tammi, you have my notes about Caitlin, right?
Tammi: I know how to take care of my granddaughter, you don’t have to worry. Have fun! And, grandma, keep an eye on these two.
Steven: Mom, stop worrying about us!
Tammi: I’m not worried! I just know history has a tendency to repeat itself.
Jerry: It didn’t with you!
Tammi: Because you were ten times worse than me! Frank and I were married, and you still didn’t let us live in the same house until we were twenty.
Teri: And look at us now!
Ralph: Yeah, thanks for that.
One hour later…
Alysa: This is a nightmare. And you wanted us to wait even longer to leave!
Steven: I didn’t realize the traffic would be this bad, sweetie.
Alysa: It’s DC! It’s always bad!
Karl: We’re actually nowhere near DC yet.
Alysa: Even better!
Betty: We’re gonna make it. It’s gonna be okay. No need to panic yet.
Steven: Grandma, I’m really proud of you for saying that. You’re usually more panicked than anyone!
Betty: My therapist is working wonders!
Karl: That, and she’s heavily medicated today.
Betty: Xanax! Love me some Xanax! A miracle drug!
Alysa: I can’t take Xanax, because I’m breastfeeding, so I have to do Lexapro. Not as effective.
Betty: Lexapro is like a flavorless Tic Tac.
Karl: It works for me.
Betty: Well, you’re less crazy than I am.
Karl: Very true.
Steven: Oh look, we’re moving! Everything’s gonna be okay!
Alysa: And we’ve already stopped.
One hour later…
Steven: I worry that we’ve blown my wife’s opportunity to meet and marry Sonia Citron.
Alysa: To be fair, neither of us swing that way. She’s dating a Dallas Cowboy.
Karl: What an awful thing to have to admit.
Steven: You don’t like the Cowboys?
Karl: Commanders, all the way!
Betty: I never understood people who get crazy about football.
Karl: You get crazy about football!
Betty: I have to deny it for my own sanity. You’ve seen how the Commanders are playing this season.
Karl: Things can turn around.
Betty: Why are the Giants #1 in the AFC East?
Karl: NFC.
Betty: What does that mean?
Karl: It’s the division they’re in. Alongside the evil Dallas Cowboys.
Alysa: Oh my god, we’ve been in traffic so long that we’re arguing about football! I don’t even care about football!
Steven: I don’t really care about - never mind.
Alysa: No, finish that thought.
Steven: I did finish the thought.
Alysa: No, you did not.
Betty: We should play a game!
Alysa: No thank you.
Karl: I wish I could take a nap.
Betty: I just know that Teri is gonna laugh at us for this.
Two hours later…
Betty: You know, we did make it before halftime.
Alysa: Oh my god.
Steven: What? Why are you grabbing your chest? Did Sonia Citron look at you?
Alysa: I just saw the score.
Steven: What is it?
Karl: I don’t want to say. This has already been enough of a disaster, let’s just find our seats and try to enjoy ourselves.
Betty: I don’t think that’s gonna happen, they’re down… a lot.
Alysa: Do you think the Mystics will still come sign autographs for the fans if they lose?
Steven: I’ll get you that autograph. Don’t worry!
Alysa: Every time you say “don’t worry,” disaster follows.
Steven: Worry a lot, the Mystics are going to lose!
Alysa: I don’t see how that helps anything.
Later that night…
Danielle: So, how was the game?
Alysa: I want to die.
Danielle: That good, huh?
Steven: There was a lot of crying. Not really by the Mystics, mostly just by Alysa. A lot of it before we even got to the arena.
Alysa: We missed half the game.
Betty: It was still a fun experience! I had fun!
Steven: And just think, Sonia scored 25 points!
Alysa: And it still wasn't enough. I think I've had enough of sports for a lifetime.
Jerry: The faster you realize it, the better. Sports is a waste of time. Now, put the game back on, Frank.
What did you think of the season premiere of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
