Six months ago…
Gigi: Mum!
Olivia: Whatever it is, I don’t have time to discuss it today.
Gigi: You don’t have time to hear your own daughter’s concerns?
Olivia: You aren’t concerned about anything, you’re trying to pull something. I can see it in your eyes.
Gigi: Where could you get that idea?
Olivia: Darling, I really don’t have the time. I have to go to Leeds, for whatever reason, and I don’t want to miss my train.
Gigi: They make you travel by train?
Olivia: We’re an environment-conscious monarchy.
Gigi: Well, this is a major thing I have to ask your advice on. It can’t wait!
Olivia: All right, let’s hear it and get it over with.
Gigi: I’ve received an offer to be in the cast of season two of The Celebrity Traitors!
Olivia: What on earth is that?
Gigi: Do you not watch television?
Olivia: I watch refined television, like Keeping Up Appearances, or BBC Breakfast, or equestrian competitions. Sometimes, even football. The World Cup’s going to be quite exciting, no?
Gigi: Well, it’s a reality competition series. I think it would be a blast, but I think I have to ask uncle Claude for permission first. I don’t want to get excommunicated over a Claudia Winkleman BBC show. That already nearly happened once, when I was on Strictly and I had that wardrobe malfunction.
Olivia: Not our proudest day.
Gigi: I don’t know, I think I really showed the world that I’ve still got it.
Olivia: That was one of the few times your grandmother broke the “no contact” rule. She was so distraught that she called me to share her displeasure. She tried to get the BBC to cancel the entire show.
Gigi: That feels like a tremendous overreaction.
Olivia: She agreed, eventually. It’s why she settled for them simply eliminating you,
Gigi: Are you kidding me? How did you never tell me this before? I knew I was robbed!
Olivia: She only recently admitted it to me. She’s a woman of many secrets.
Gigi: I suppose it only makes sense to have so many secrets after being alive for so long.
Olivia: She’s still, mostly, young at heart.
Gigi: Is she?
Olivia: She’s the most active ninety year old I know!
Gigi: Who are you comparing her to here, Mandy?
Olivia: We don’t need to beat up on Mandy. She takes enough abuse.
Gigi: So, about The Celebrity Traitors… do we think uncle Claude will approve?
Olivia: I’m not sure it’s necessarily something that he will appreciate. You know he’s working to improve our family image, he wouldn’t want to take a risk on a reality show.
Gigi: But I really wanna do it!
Olivia: You’re an adult. You’re free to do it, if you’re willing to risk his wrath. You know how I feel about rocking the boat.
Gigi: So you’re saying I should keep it a secret. Got it!
Olivia: I don’t think -
Gigi: No, you gotta get to Leeds, I won’t bother you any further!
Olivia: Do not use my own excuses on me! That is just disrespectful!
Gigi: I learned from the very best!
A few weeks later…
Gigi: Guys, I’m going away for maybe three weeks at most. You did not have to go through the trouble of throwing me a going away party.
Olivia: But it’s fun! Parties are fun!
Fred: Trust me, this was all your mother’s idea. I’m not ambitious enough to put this together.
Olivia: Some of us love to show our love.
Meredith: I think it’s wonderful t-
Olivia: Shh.
Meredith: Got it. Seen, but not heard.
Norah: Mum, you’re allowed to speak.
Olivia: Don’t tell her that!
Todd: You are going to be here for the wedding, correct?
Gigi: The one in six months? Yes, yes I will. Unless Claudia keeps me in that castle. I hope she doesn’t, at least. I love Scotland, but it’s not the most inviting castle I’ve seen.
Todd: It’s no Windsor.
Fred: I’m surprised they’re even allowed to have a close relative of the King on this show. It airs on the BBC, aren’t they afraid people will assume they’re rigging it for you?
Gigi: It’s a show where we pretend people are getting murdered by cloaked figures that hide in the night. I think you’re overthinking it
Fred: I’m sorry, I’m not familiar with the program. I just remember your last foray into reality televi-
Gigi: Which I’ve just learned was rigged against me!
Todd: You also claimed Yahtzee was rigged against you when we played it at our family game night a few weeks back.
Gigi: It was! I don’t know how you did it, but my dice were different than everyone else’s! I rolled a seven once, there isn’t a seven on a standard die!
Warren: Dear, try not to talk like this on Traitors. You don’t want to get the paranoid edit. In fact, try to lay low. Save your barbs for the confessionals.
Norah: Aww, that’s sweet, He’s trying to give her advice for her reality show! He really cares about how she does.
Gigi: Well, he better give me tips! He made it to the semifinal!
Warren: I knew I should’t have trusted that drink from Alan Carr!
Norah: Do you think they might target you for being married to someone that made it far last season?
Gigi: I hope they will be too afraid of uncle Claude’s wrath to even consider writing my name down or murdering me. That’s my entire strategy.
Olivia: By the way, where am I supposed to tell the family you’ll be during the next few weeks?
Gigi: Just say I’m on a business retreat.
Todd: Business? You don’t work!
Olivia: A low blow!
Meredith: She works very hard! I follow her on Instagram!
Gigi: What’s your handle? I’ll have to make sure to block you.
Meredith: Very funny!
Gigi: Oh, I’m not joking.
Olivia: She really is my daughter. I’ve never been prouder.
Fred: I think we should eat while the food’s still hot, no?
Gigi: That would be a great idea! I need to be well-fed for my traitor hunt!
Three weeks later…
Gigi: Mum, I’m hoooooome!
Olivia: Did you break into my house?
Gigi: I have a key! And why are you not more excited to see me?
Olivia: I feel I have a right to be startled when someone’s entered my home without me expecting them.
Fred: Gigi, how was the show?
Olivia: I was going to ask that!
Gigi: It was wonderful! I made the finale, and I’m not supposed to tell you this, but I won.
Olivia: That’s amazing!
Gigi: I voted out Joanna Lumley at the end. She was a traitor.
Fred: I would never vote out Joanna Lumley!
Olivia: I would. I’m quite competitive.
Gigi: I had to look away as I wrote her name down. That’s Patsy Stone!
Olivia: So were you not a traitor?
Gigi: I was a faithful, I’d befriended Joanna, so she had reason to keep me around. Then I teamed up with Ania Magliano from SNL UK to banish her.
Fred: An all-woman final? Very empowering!
Gigi: Well, we weren’t going to keep Michael Fabricant around, were we?
Olivia: Oh, that hair!
Gigi: It’s a wig. I tugged it. Came right off.
Olivia: I knew it!
Fred: I don’t think I’d ever do this Traitors show, but I’m quite happy it’s worked out well for you.
Gigi: I’m really excited for people to see it. I’m to really struggle to not tell the whole world what happens.
Olivia: Please don’t get yourself sued.
Gigi: I need you to pick up the phone when I call so I can vent to you when I must.
Olivia: You have Warren, no?
Gigi: Warren has a big mouth. He’s never been able to keep a secret. I tell him I’ve won, the entire country will know the next time he does commentary on a rugby game. Claudia wouldn’t like that, would she?
Fred: You talk about this Claudia woman like she’s some sort of demonic entity.
Gigi: She’s a very intimidating figure. Those eyes… those shadowy eyes.
Olivia: So, will we be telling the family about your participation anytime soon?
Gigi: Oh… no.
Olivia: Okay, so when are we planning to share that?
Gigi: They don’t watch reality TV, they’ll never know!
Olivia: I bet Claire does. Or Nathan and Alicia.
Gigi: They won’t sell me out.
Olivia: You’re going to have to tell them. It’s fine! It’s already filmed, they probably won’t meddle to prevent it from airing.
Gigi: Probably? This masterpiece must be seen.
Olivia: I believe you there, but I just think it’s important to be honest here. You’ve done nothing wrong, just something Claude might not approve of. It’s fine.
Gigi: All right, I’ll tell them when I see them next.
Fred: They could be supportive about this, you never know!
Olivia: Have you met my family?
Fred: I don’t know if that was the best response to encourage Gigi to tell them about this.
Olivia: I don’t have a filter. We all know this. It’s part of my charm.
Two days later…
Eleanor: Genevieve, I am so happy to see you back from your retreat! You have been missed.
Selina: If only because she’s able to somewhat keep her mother from being quite as annoying as she usually is.
Claude: How was your retreat?
Gigi: Why are you all so interested in me? How have you all been? Any interesting state visits?
Christine: The prime minister of Senegal came to visit. Where is Senegal? I met their leader, and I’ve still got no idea.
Gigi: It’s in Africa, no?
Arthur: I hope this isn’t racist -
Alicia: Here we go.
Arthur: We could sort of tell he was from Africa.
Selina: Alicia, is that “racist” to you Americans?
Alicia: No comment.
Christine: I didn’t want to make assumptions, son.
Olivia: I think Gigi has something fascinating to share with everyone!
Selina: Ugh, I was so enjoying how quiet she was being.
Ethan: Must you do this every time?
Olivia: I think she needs to bully me in order to survive. What did she do before I came back to the family?
Ethan: We mostly just talked smack about Anthony.
Olivia: At least he deserves it.
Gigi: All right, everyone, I have an announcement. I was not on a business retreat.
Claire: I knew it! She doesn’t work!
Gigi: And you all do?
Claire: Wow, that was a low blow! We work!
Ethan: Eh…
Selina: She was at rehab again, wasn’t she?
Gigi: Again? I’ve never been to rehab before!
Selina: I know you were a pot addict before.
Gigi: My god, are you a hundred? I was not a “pot addict!” I was seen on camera smoking once.
Nathan: Who hasn’t been?
Eleanor: Me!
Nathan: I’ll change that one day.
Eleanor: No, you will not.
Gigi: I was in Scotland -
Christine: Did you break into Balmoral?
Gigi: I was filming a reality series called The Celebrity Traitors. It’s a very popular series here, and it’s for charity, and I had a wonderful time, and that’s all I can share, per my contract.
Claude: Reality television? This family doesn’t do reality television, and for good reason!
Eleanor: I still recall when you were on that dancing program, and you… it is too awful to discuss.
Gigi: By thew way, I know you had me kicked off the show!
Eleanor: With good reason! You scarred a nation. And more importantly, your grandfather and I!
Gigi: My body, my choice!
Claire: I love that Gigi’s doing Traitors. It’s a great show, she’s going to be hilarious on it. She’s quite the character.
Arthur: I wish I could do reality TV one day. It seems fun! Sadly, it’s “not becoming” of the heir apparent.
Claude: It’s not becoming of anyone in the family. We’re supposed to be above… this.
Gigi: Again, it’s for charity! I was on my best behavior, too!
Selina: I find that hard to believe.
Olivia: Say one more thing about my daughter and I’ll deck you!
Claire: You’re right, your majesty. Reality TV is just far too trashy for a family so classy.
Present day…
Gigi: Mum, they love me.
Olivia: Who?
Todd: I think she means the British people.
Gigi: I can’t go anywhere without being recognized. I’m the “People’s Princess!”
Olivia: You’re not a princess!
Gigi: They don’t know that! It’s not like any of our family titles make a lick of sense!
Olivia: I’m a princess.
Todd: You could’ve been a princes if mum hadn’t -
Olivia: Shh! I wanted you to lead normal lives.
Fred: Mission accomplished!
Gigi: I’m the “fan favorite,” people are rooting for me. Wait until they find out I’ve won! Oh, but wait until they find out I betrayed Joanna…
Midge: I think they’ll be able to forgive you. Traitors get what they deserve. She’s lucky she wasn’t beheaded.
Olivia: Midge, I think you’re taking this “Traitors” thing too seriously. They’re not actually committing treason against the nation.
Midge: But the name impl-
Olivia: I know, I was also confused.
At Buckingham Palace…
Andrea: Your majesty, can I just tell you how much I’m enjoying watching your niece on the Celebrity Traitors? I never realized how witty and charismatic she is! And the people are loving her accordingly. What a shame it’ll be when she gets murdered.
Claude: You know, I’m starting to believe I don’t completely understand the premise of this series.
Andrea: No one actually dies.
Claude: All right, that’s cleared up. I was going to say, her still being alive could be a major indicator of how it ends…
Andrea: This has been great publicity for the country overall. A member of the royal family appearing on a reality show and coming off so well.. this could really help your image. I know people are still mad at you over that whole assassination plot from a few weeks back.
Claude: Are we really in a world where people will be more moved towards patriotism because of a reality series than in the aftermath of a tragic event?
Andrea: Very much so.
Claude: I worry about society sometimes.
Andrea: Imagine having to govern these animals! Respectfully, all you’ve got to do is wear a crown and wave to people.
Claude: There’s more to it than that. I also have to draft a nice speech for Christmas.
What did you think of this week's episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!