Marietta walks into the Mayor’s Office.
Marietta: All right, I’m going to need a head count -
Tammy: You, me, Henrietta, Amy. Four heads in here! What do I win?
Marietta: for Thanksgiving on Thursday.
Tammy: Oh. More than four.
Amy: Dumbass.
Marietta: Are you all coming? The crazy lady demands to know.
Amy: Is the crazy lady -
Marietta: You know it’s my mother.
Tammy: Even I knew that!
Amy: Of course you’d think it was here, you were desperately hoping she didn’t mean you.
Tammy: Mitch and I will be there, of course.
Amy: I’ll be coming, Don will not. He’s going to his sister’s, and I hate his sister, so here we are.
Marietta: Good to know!
Henrietta: You already know I’m coming. I’m sure mom already let Patty Lynn know.
Marietta: I think you mean “I’m sure Patty Lynn already hounded mom for an answer,” and you’d be correct, she has. See you there!
Tammy: So what’s everyone making?
Marietta: No one needs to make anything! Mom has been adamant about this, she doesn’t want anyone stressing about making food. She has it covered.
Tammy: I’m still making something.
Amy: Ah, that’ll go over well. Patty Lynn is famous for liking being ignored!
Tammy: I can’t go to a dinner without bringing something, I’ll feel like an idiot.
Marietta: We’re all going to feel like idiots for agreeing to go to this, don’t you worry. I’m going to go call mom now and let her know you're all 100% in and then we’re getting to work. We already have a short week because of Thanksgiving, we have a lot to cram in.
Tammy: If you really cared about -
Amy: No! Shut up!
Tammy: You can’t hurt my feelings with words!
Amy: Wasn’t trying you, just wanted you to zip it!
Henrietta: How do I not drink more?
Amy: Aren’t you twelve?
Tammy: She told me a few days ago she was still breastfeeding, and I forgot she had a child for a moment and thought she meant -
Henrietta: You’re sick.
Tammy: That’s what I thought about you and Eliza! Happy to be proven wrong!
Marietta walks into her personal office and calls Patty Lynn.
Marietta: Hello, mother. How are you this fine morning?
Patty Lynn: Busy, but never too busy for you!
Sarah: She’s too busy for me!
Kathleen: Get a job!
Sarah: So rude.
Patty Lynn: It’s a fun morning here.
Marietta: Is everything okay with her?
Patty Lynn: Oh, you know how she is.
Marietta: Incredibly moody?
Patty Lynn: Yes, exactly.
Marietta: So, I’m calling about Thanksgiving.
Patty Lynn: Oh, good! I found out something exciting today about it!
Marietta: Ah, so Milton’s not coming. Thank god!
Patty Lynn: Why would you say something so rude? I raised you better!
Marietta: A joke! Just a joke! Love him!
Patty Lynn: That’s more like it.
Marietta: Well, I just wanted to tell you that Tammy, Mitch and Amy will all be there for Thanksgiving.
Patty Lynn: Good to hear! What about Amy’s husband, uh… I don’t remember his name… what about him?
Marietta: He’s not coming, going to his sister’s. I didn’t want to ask, you know how Amy is.
Patty Lynn: Well, that’s all swell. But I have even bigger news!
Marietta: Let’s hear it! I hope it’s that you’re making pumpkin roll!
Patty Lynn: Nope! Your cousin Gerry is coming to dinner!
Marietta: Oh my god! What?
Patty Lynn: I know!
Marietta: I haven’t seen her in -
Patty Lynn: I know!
Marietta: Is she still married to her dead husband’s brother?
Patty Lynn: Apparently.
Marietta: And how many kids does she have by now? Enough to form a baseball team?
Patty Lynn: Halfway there! Thirteen!
Marietta: Ouch.
Patty Lynn: The last few were adopted, if it makes you feel any better.
Marietta: It, uh… doesn’t.
Patty Lynn: She’s an eccentric person, but your father and aunt are very excited to see her again.
Marietta: Does this mean uncle Marvin will be in?
Patty Lynn: No, him and Alicia are staying home with the grandkids.
Marietta: All hundred of them? Bless them. It’ll be weird for them to not spend Thanksgiving with her, though. I know how close they are.
Patty Lynn: You think Kathleen ever wishes she could spend Thanksgiving with her own kids?
Kathleen: I’m right here, Pat! And yes, I do. However, they’ve all made it clear they don’t want to trouble me my making me fly in to see them, which is their nice way of telling me they don’t want me visiting. I’m fine with it, it would be too difficult for me to pick which one of them is the least-bad cook, anyway.
Patty Lynn: It’s not supposed to be about the dinner, Kathleen. Although, I am honored that you seemingly enjoy my cooking.
Kathleen: Never said that. Don’t put words in my mouth.
Marietta: So, about Gerry! What brings her to New Orleans for the holidays?
Patty Lynn: I really don’t know. I got a text from her out of the blue, and she asked if she could come with her husband, and I was happy to let her. Of course, I needed Sarah’s help texting her back, but I did get confirmation from her. No explanation as to why, though.
Marietta: It’s a bit random, but I’m happy to see her again anyway. We always had so much fun, even though we sort of fell out of contact with one another.
Patty Lynn: It’s so nice when family reconnects.
Kathleen: Even weird family that you barely remember!
Patty Lynn: She’s not weird!
Kathleen: She married her dead husband’s brother and had like fifteen kids, she’s certainly not the most normal member of the family, and that wouldn’t be hard to achieve!
Patty Lynn: Don’t be so judgmental. You moved to Arkansas!
Kathleen: What was I thinking ever coming back from Arkansas?
Martin: We’re just that irresistible!
Kathleen: The free room and board is, indeed, irresistible. Being a former congresswoman doesn’t give you man opportunities these days, not when you served forty years ago. Money is tight!
Sarah: Not to mention, our last name. People don’t like us!
Kathleen: That’s not true. People like me.
Marietta: All right, I appreciate this crucial Thanksgiving update. I’m going to hang up, and see you insane people later tonight.
Kathleen: Why would you do that to yourself?
Marietta: Saves me time cooking.
Kathleen: I guess that’s a good excuse.
Patty Lynn: See you later, darling!
Three days later…
Tammy: I brought casserole!
Marietta: I sa-
Patty Lynn: Oh, you shouldn’t have! Really, you shouldn’t have. Kathleen, put it in the fridge.
Mitch: I told her that much.
Tammy: Like I’d listen to you.
Martin: Ah, marital bliss.
Moira: Why are doing that, Milton? I told you to stop!
Martin: Speaking of bliss…
Marietta: Ah, the lovebirds!
Milton: I thought you liked when I folded the napkins!
Moira: No, I like them laid flat.
Kathleen: They’re on table-setting duty. Patty Lynn doesn’t trust them with anything else.
Tammy: Wow, this is a sophisticated operation!
Marietta: We’ve all got our little jobs.
Mitch: Can mine be sitting on the couch?
Patty Lynn: You were president, you are allowed to relax if you so desire.
Martin: How long until I have to pick Gerry and her husband up at the airport?
Patty Lynn: I, uh… I don’t recall.
Martin: Lovely.
Patty Lynn: I think an hour.
Martin: Why are we in such a rush to get done, then?
Patty Lynn:
Tammy: Is my casserole going to be eaten today?
Patty Lynn: I think we all know the answer to that question.
Eliza: I’ll put it in the oven, we won’t be wasting any food.
Patty Lynn: Who made you boss?
Eliza: She made food, I see no harm in us being able to eat it.
Elena: Yeah, you don’t have to eat it. Just allow us to if we want.
Patty Lynn: Fine! If you’re all so insistent on tainting my -
Tammy: Oh my god, I’ll take it home if it’s that big of a problem.
Patty Lynn: You’re a doll.
Eliza: Tammy, hand over the casserole.
Tammy: I’m in hell.
Mitch: We coulda stayed home! Hell, we could’ve gone to New York to see the kids.
Tammy: No, this is family. And we put up with hell for family.
Mitch: I mean, they aren’t family by blood. We chose this.
Tammy: And I never regret it! Not even when my casserole is being insulted.
Patty Lynn: Oh my god, Martin! Gerry is here!
Martin: You said an hour!
Patty Lynn: I was wrong. She wrote it using Eastern time, it threw me off.
Martin: I guess I have to go. Good luck getting everything together, gang!
Patty Lynn: Hurry! They’re waiting for you!
Martin: I’m going as fast as I can!
Milton: I can’t believe they’re just flying in on the big day. That seems like too much unnecessary stress.
Patty Lynn: They’re already going on Saturday, it’s just a quick pop in. Can’t leave all those kids to be tended to by Marvin for too long.
Kathleen: Well, that makes it all make sense. They might lose a couple on his watch so as it is, at least this way they can nearly salvage the zoo.
Amy: My god, I’ve never seen Martin in such a hurry. Where’s he off to? Forget the cranberry sauce or something?
Patty Lynn: Our niece is at the airport waiting for him. I got the time of her flight wrong.
Amy: Ah, not a big shock there. You’re swamped.
Patty Lynn: Exactly! I wish people could give me a bit of grace.
Marietta: Grace. There you go.
Tammy: You’re the one insulting my casserole!
Patty Lynn: Not this again.
Milton: It’s hard to see why Kate and Ellie turned down the invites this year.
Moira: Less talk, more placements. Come on, babe, we’re on a time crunch.
Milton: Yes, dear.
Marietta: He is whipped. Proud of you, Moira.
Moira: Thanks! I try my best!
Sarah; They make me nauseous.
One hour later..
Martin: My god, that traffic.
Patty Lynn: Did you forget them? Where are they?
Martin: They have luggage to carry in.
Kathleen: And you didn’t offer to help?
Martin: I’m eighty. Like respectable people, they turned down my offer.
Kathleen: I’m not eighty, so I can’t use that excuse.
Martin: Give it a month.
Kathleen: Shut up! Shut your stupid face!
Patty Lynn: Ah, look! Reunited at last!
Geraldine: My family!
Marietta: My god, you haven’t aged!
Geraldine: Pretty amazing, huh? Thirteen kids, I don’t yet look like a Golden Girl.
Moira: Who’s the guy?
Milton: Oh my god, you are embarrassing.
Moira: I’m sorry, he’s just, you know…
Amy: Hot?
Moira: Yeah.
Geraldine: That would be my husband, Xavier.
Kathleen: I see now why you married your brother-in-law.
Martin: Oh my god!
Geraldine: No, it’s a normal question we get.
Xavier: It’s not as scandalous as it sounds. It was five years, we’d fallen out of contact completely before we reconnected.
Geraldine: Twenty years married this year!
Marietta: Oh my god! It’s been over twenty years since we’ve seen you?
Geraldine: But all the memories immediately flood back!
Marietta: Of course! Family’s family.
Milton: So what brings you home for the holidays?
Geraldine: Couldn’t take another Thanksgiving with dad, you guys were the closest family we had left.
Milton: That’s touching. A reconnection borne from annoyance.
Geraldine: I’m kidding! I just realized all the years that’ve gone by where we only talked over the phone or on Facebook, and we were talking, and X suggested I reach out and ask about holiday plans.
Martin: We’re so glad you did! This is such a wonderful holiday surprise.
Henrietta: Okay, I’m so sorry to ask… who is this? I’m out of the loop.
Eliza: She’s… actually not related to us.
Henrietta: Ah. No wonder.
Geraldine: I believe I’m your mother’s cousin’s cousin. I’m related to Marietta and Milton on the paternal end, she’s on the maternal end.
Martin: What a family tree we have.
Patty Lynn: Okay, we can reconnect over dinner. It should be ready, and I worked so hard, so we’re getting it while it’s hot!
Kathleen: Lord knows, everything comes second to Patty Lynn getting her way, even family reconnecting.
Geraldine: I’ve heard rave reviews, I’m excited!
Kathleen: I especially heard great things about that little crappy casserole with the corn and squash. Eat that first!
Patty Lynn: She is the bane of my existence…
Geraldine: Ah, my two favorite aunts! It’s so great to see you together again!
Marietta: Not for us.
Martin: That’s not in the spirit of Thanksgiving!
Marietta: No, just in the spirit of honesty.
What did you think of this episode of Marietta? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
