The Bullpen Season 2 Episode 7: The Manager

PLAYERS
Kurt: long-term reliever
Lorenzo: middle-relief pitcher
Jason: bullpen coach
Robert: 8th inning/setup pitcher
Bryan: closer
Eli: left-handed specialist
All: benchwarmer

Jason: Huddle up guys, I have a special announcement.
Lorenzo: We're getting fired?
Jason: No. I don't think.
Robert: You're getting fired?
Jason: No!
Bryan: Then what is it?
Jason: Manager is spending the game in the bullpen.
Eli: He's not going to do his job?
Jason: Game's a joke, the team they're playing is in last place. 
Kurt: Why does he want to spend a game with us then?
Manager: I don't know, why do I?
Lorenzo: Hey Manager! What brings you here?
Manager: Just seeing how my bullpen is doing. Sorry I haven't been playing you guys, it just seems unnecessary.
Robert: Oh no apology necessary, Manager.
Manager: Whatever you say...also, call me Manny. My first name being Manager is oddly fitting, yet unfortunate. 
Jason: Manny, let me ask you a question. Am I getting fired?
Manny: Nope, I'm paying you less than half of the next lowest-paid bullpen coach, why would I fire you?
Jason: So you value me?
Manny: Not especially but if it makes you feel better, then yes. Cool bench by the way.
Lorenzo: It's heated.
Manny: How did you even get the money to put this together?
Robert: Club money.
Manny: You guys get funding? Learn something new every day.
Bryan: Yeah, we're just as much a part of the team as everyone else.
Jason: Bryan we've established that you're not.
Manny: But Burt over here is!
Kurt: Is it too late for me to tell you my name is Kurt?
Manny: Whatever, I don't care as long as you win us some games.
Kurt: How could I become a starter though? We already have five.
Manny: And they're all valued at $20 million. With that kind of money I could purchase any bench I want. [Pause]. That's right, I'm incompetent too. Pitchers really work wonders for us, don't they?
Jason: Yes, they do. Trust me, all of my guys are very grateful for that.
Manny: Except Burt!
Kurt: Kurt.
Manny: If you want to pitch you'll let me call you whatever I want, Mort.
Kurt: OK then. 
Manny: You guys really have it made here. Cool bench, you seem to get along, and you get paid to do nothing.
Lorenzo: And I've only spent 95% of it!
Manny: That's a personal problem that you should stop and think about. But not on my time.
Lorenzo: You don't even know what we do during the games. We--
Robert: Practice, of course! That's all we do! We warm up without anyone even asking us, because it's fun and we can only get better! Practice makes perfect! Or better. Which is perfect! And--
Manny: I've seen all your antics, the cameras do a good job at showing you on the big screen at the perfect times. Great comic relief for whoever's losing. Usually the other team. Actually, always the other team. Anyways, Burt, or Mort, or whatever your name is, you ready to make your first start tomorrow?
Kurt: A little nervous but I'll be fine.
Manny: You better be fine given how much you're going to be paid.
Kurt: I assume I'll get $20 million like the rest of the pitchers?
Manny: Oh no, you keep your salary of what, $2 million?
Kurt: 600 thousand.
Manny: Oh even better.
Kurt: I just feel like maybe I deserve a bit more given I won't be a benchwarmer anymore.
Manny: Nah this game isn't about money, it's about winning. And money but whatever. I'll make you a deal. [Pauses]
Kurt: Any chance that deal is being announced anytime soon?
Manny: Oh yeah. You can get your 20 million, but everyone in the bullpen gets a pay cut to balance it all out. You have a choice. Let me know tonight, or tomorrow, or some other day.

The Bullpen Season 2 Episode 5: On The Mound

PLAYERS

Kurt: long-term reliever
Lorenzo: middle-relief pitcher
Jason: bullpen coach
Robert: 8th inning/setup pitcher
Bryan: closer
Eli: left-handed specialist
All: benchwarmer
Until now.

Jason: I know last week we went to the wrong stadium. Please, nobody tell me we got this one wrong too.
Lorenzo: Coach, I know the rest of the team doesn't seem to be here but there's a crowd waiting for a game to be played.
Robert: Didn't anyone see that one of our starting pitchers is getting married today, so him and the other starting pitchers aren't coming to the game? Also, the game doesn't start for another five hours.
Jason: Why didn't I know this, and why did no one tell me?
Robert: You've never been good with dates and times. Also you threatened to make us pitch if we didn't get here at 2pm, and told us that's final and you won't be hearing any responses. 
Jason: Yeah that does kind of sound like me actually. And also who told you this thing about a wedding?
Robert: I read about it online. How else would I find out anything about this team? Oh also Bryan you're on my fantasy team now, most of my pitchers got hurt and there's no one else on my league's free agent list.
Bryan: Thanks?
Robert: What I'm trying to say is, don't pitch.
Bryan: Fine by me.
Jason: Wait...uh oh.
Robert: What?
Jason: Some of you actually are going to have to pitch.
Robert: No kidding.
Jason: Remember the last time we had to go in the game? That's basically why I'm the bullpen coach now. I never wanted to have to go through that again.
Lorenzo: Us either Coach. But with some prayers and sugar, we should be able to make it through.
Bryan: I actually have a thing going on so I probably have to leave by the fifth inning, guess I can't be the closer, that's too bad.
Jason: Nice try. Robert already said you're not pitching. 
Robert: That's right.
Jason: Wait. I'm in charge. Bryan, you're not pitching.
Bryan: Yes!
Jason: You're staying here though.
Bryan: Am I?
Jason: Actually whatever. 
Robert: So, who's going to pitch?
Jason: Kurt is supposedly our long-term reliever so I guess him?
Kurt: Yep, I'm the long term guy. I'm probably good to get a guy or two out.
Jason: Great, that leaves us with only 25 to 26 more!
Kurt: Too bad this is a home game. Let's be real, the other team would definitely not be batting in the final inning if they didn't have to.
Jason: You should probably start warming up in an hour or four. Actually don't, wouldn't want to tire you out since your average pitch count this year is 0.
Lorenzo: So what do we do until then, Coach?
Jason: I guess go home, make sure to get back for the first pitch though.
[Five Hours Later]
Jason: Alright Kurt, good luck.
Eli: Break a leg!
Robert: That's something you say when you're acting. Kurt is actually pitching.
Eli: Oh.
(Kurt walks up to the mound.)
Stadium Announcer: Now pitching, Burt LeTrix.
Robert: Huh?
Jason: I just got a text from Kurt saying to "just go with it". OK, why does he have his phone with him?
Lorenzo: Simple Coach, so he can make a call to the bullpen when he's ready to come out of the game.
Jason: The pitchers don't do that genius, the manager does it from the dugout.
Eli: I think I see him running back to the bullpen.
Kurt (out of breath): Sorry guys, kept my phone on me. Keep it here, passcode is 167597, I have some pretty fun time-waster games on there. Gotta run.
Jason: He's already out of breath. This is going to be a disaster.
Bryan: Was that a strike?
Jason: Looks like the umpire called it that. 
Eli: Guys it's all over social media! Kurt is going viral! As Burt, though.
Jason: Just because he pitched one strike?
Eli: Make that two.
Lorenzo: Why isn't the guy running?
Jason: He hasn't given up a hit yet! This is unbelievable! 
Eli: Looks like the guy hit that one.
Lorenzo: Yeah and it's headed right toward us, let me get my glove!
Jason: Crap.
Lorenzo: I got a home run ball everyone! Look!
Robert: Can't believe we're already losing. 
Eli: He was a two-strike wonder.
Lorenzo: Three strikes now.
Jason: Are we really going to do a play-by-play of every pitch he throws? 
Bryan: Nah, let's just watch. Whoa, he threw another strike! OK I'm done.
[Long pause]
Lorenzo: Coach, we haven't talked for six innings, can I at least mention the fact he's only given up two runs and we're winning?
Jason: I'm in total shock. I think the crowd is too, I've never seen people celebrate so loudly for simply throwing a strike.
Bryan: So about me in the game...
Jason: I don't think you have to worry, he might make it through the whole game! 
Robert: What's happening?
Jason: He's pitching great!
Robert: I mean why are there guys out there taking the ball away from him?
Eli: I think they're taking him out of the game. The starting pitchers came back.
Lorenzo: But starting pitchers start the game!
Eli: Not this time, I guess. The crowd is booing too. They're on our side this time!
Jason: They're on Burt's side but good enough.
(Kurt approaches the bullpen)
Jason: Kurt you did awesome! What happened?
Kurt: They said I've thrown a lot of pitches and want to give me a rest.
Jason: Oh come on, I can't believe they used that excuse. You were pitching great!
Kurt: They want me to start Saturday afternoon's game.
Jason: What.

The Bullpen Season 2 Episode 4: Road Trip

PLAYERS

Kurt: long-term reliever
Lorenzo: middle-relief pitcher
Jason: bullpen coach
Robert: 8th inning/setup pitcher
Bryan: closer
Eli: left-handed specialist
All: benchwarmer

Kurt: Looks like we're here everyone: Saint Louis.
Bryan: I'm ready to give it my all.
Lorenzo: Think we'll pitch in this one, coach?
Jason: Not answering to coach.
Lorenzo: You just did.
Jason: No.
Lorenzo: No what?
Jason: No, I don't think you'll pitch in this one.
Eli: I know I won't pitch.
Jason: Why not?
Eli: Every single player on the other team is right-handed. And you know what happens when I have to pitch to right-handed batters.
Robert: That happened once.
Eli: I'm not talking about the strikeouts, I'm talking about all the guys I've hit. My one pitch is to get those left-handed batters to swing at outside pitches. 
Jason: Yeah, Eli I think you somehow once had more hits in a game than the rest of the guys on the team combined. If you count the number of batters you hit, of course.
Lorenzo: Hey guys, is this the first time we've made it to the game before anyone else?
Jason: Yeah, you are right about this one...I don't even think the workers are here yet, never mind the players or the fans.
Bryan: Guess now is as good a time as ever to start warming up. Can never be too early.
Jason: Actually you can, but go ahead, throw a couple pitches. Just don't hit any of us. Or do.
Kurt: Any guesses on when people are going to get here?
Lorenzo: What time's the game again?
Jason: Don't even tell me we got here at the wrong time. If we did then we better be late and not early.
Kurt: No, the game is definitely supposed to start in a few minutes.
Lorenzo: They must all be stuck in traffic then. Or were we supposed to put the clocks back an hour last night?
Jason: I doubt everyone's in traffic. Maybe it's a low attendance game and all the players are still getting ready in their clubhouses, or wherever real players go before the game.
Eli: I'd doubt it's a low attendance game, these are two of the best teams in the nation playing tonight.
Robert: Um...you may all want to listen to what I'm about to say.
Jason: Just say it.
Robert: I looked on my phone. The game just started.
Jason: That's impossible, there's no one here! Wait. Oh.
Robert: Yeah. It's a home game. And the team is not playing any team from Saint Louis.
Jason: So we traveled to Saint Louis for nothing?
Lorenzo: And on the night I was supposed to pitch too!
Jason: Lorenzo you were not going to pitch tonight.
Robert: Yeah Jason, we traveled here for nothing. 
Eli: Jason, shouldn't you have been the one to stop this from happening?
Jason: I don't know, I figured you all knew what you were doing. Guess not.
Bryan: Now what, should we head home?
Robert: Nah, there's a game here in an hour. Let's find some seats.
Jason: And do exactly what we do at our home games? Sit down and basically do nothing?
Robert: Yeah.
Jason: Let's do it.
Bryan: OK then. Let the sitting begin.

The Bullpen Season 2 Episode 3: The Raffle

PLAYERS
Kurt: long-term reliever
Lorenzo: middle-relief pitcher
Jason: bullpen coach
Robert: 8th inning/setup pitcher
Bryan: closer
Eli: left-handed specialist
All: benchwarmer

Robert: Looks like they're doing the 50-50 raffle again. 
Bryan: Yeah what is that exactly?
Robert: They say half goes to the winner and half goes to charity. 
Bryan: What charity?
Robert: I don't know, charity. Good cause and stuff.
Lorenzo: Hey! Over here!
Stadium Worker: Yes?
Lorenzo: I'd like to purchase a ticket. 
Stadium Worker: Typically we reserve ticket purchases to those who do not play in the game 
Lorenzo: That doesn't disqualify me, I haven't played in what, 5 games?
Jason: Guess higher.
Stadium Worker: Now I suppose you can purchase a ticket, odds are against you for winning anyway.
Robert: Hey put me down for a ticket too.
Bryan: Yeah same.
Eli: Just put us all down for tickets. Doing it for charity, of course.
Stadium Worker: Alright...$1 per ticket.
(Everyone looks at Jason)
Jason: Seriously? None of you have any money on you?
Kurt: I like to stay humble.
Jason: Technically you do all make more than you're worth given you never pitch so...understandable I guess? Fine, I'll pay. For charity. 
Stadium Worker: Let me ask you guys a question.
Jason: What?
Stadium Worker: What's your secret?
Jason: Secret to what?
Stadium Worker: To getting paid to pitch without actually doing so. How can I get away with making money for doing absolutely nothing?
Jason: You could sit here with us.
Stadium Worker: Sounds good to me. How much are you paying me?
Jason: Why would we pay you to sit on a bench?
Stadium Worker: I DON'T KNOW, WHY DO YOU GET PAID TO SIT ON A BENCH?
Jason: Man calm down...we're on the outfield screen again. 
Stadium Worker: OH POOR YOU, HAVING TO BE SEEN BY EVERYONE IN THE STADIUM. HOW WILL YOU SURVIVE?
Jason: I have them warm up every now and then...
(Stadium Worker walks away)
Kurt: OK that was weird.
Jason: Lorenzo what are you doing?
Lorenzo: Warming up, as you told me to do Sir.
Jason: I never told you to warm up.
Lorenzo: Well I'm doing it anyway.
Jason (to himself): Why am I even trying to reason. 
Robert: I'm getting a little bored.
Kurt: Want to arm wrestle?
Robert: I hurt my wrist last time I did that...sure!

(3 innings later)
Stadium Announcer: And now, it is time to select the 50-50 raffle winner. The letter is D, and the numbers are 8172835.
Bryan: Is that my phone number or part of my Social Security number? 
Robert: I would check on that if I was you.
Kurt: Guys...I won! I'm the 50-50 raffle winner!
Lorenzo: Are we even allowed to win?
Kurt: I don't know but I'm claiming it! Not like they'll know I'm on the team, because really, am I?
Jason: You're on the payroll.
Kurt: Whatever. I'll be back.

(When Kurt returns)
Lorenzo: So how much did you win?
Kurt: $12,785!!
Lorenzo: Whoa! That's like $2,000 for each of us! I can retire!
Kurt: Oh, so we're splitting this?
Jason: No.
Lorenzo: Dang.
Kurt: I can't believe I just won money for doing nothing! 
Bryan: Don't we all?

The Bullpen Season 2 Episode 2: The New Bench

PLAYERS
Kurt: long-term reliever
Lorenzo: middle-relief pitcher
Jason: bullpen coach
Robert: 8th inning/setup pitcher
Bryan: closer
Eli: left-handed specialist
All: benchwarmer

Lorenzo: Would you look at that, a brand new bench.
Eli: No one deserves it more than us.
Robert: We sure do a lot of sitting during these games.
Bryan: What are we waiting for, let's try it out!
Eli (after sitting on it): It sucks.
Jason: What do you mean it sucks, the team just spent money getting us that bench.
Eli: Clearly they don't care enough about us to get us a comfortable bench, because this one is just as bad as the old one!
Jason: There's a seat heater.
Bryan: Wow that feels good! What are you talking about Eli?
Eli: I didn't know there was a seat heater. This changes everything!
Jason: It's supposed to light up in the dark too.
Lorenzo: Cool! Let's try it!
*Lorenzo sets the bench's setting to light blue.*
Lorenzo: Look everyone, our new bench is the same color as my favorite cotton candy flavor!
*Crowd starts booing.*
Lorenzo: Wow, team must be doing awful today.
Robert: You're not watching?
Lorenzo: No, are you?
Robert: Never.
Bryan: Um...was this ball here before?
Eli: We banned baseballs from the Bullpen so whoever did this better speak up.
Jason: Did this ever go by me? Not that I think it's a bad idea though.
Lorenzo: Hey, look over the wall, this dude looks hurt! Wonder if he's one of our own?
Kurt: Lorenzo you idiot, he probably crashed into the wall because he was blinded by the bench's light!
Lorenzo: So who scored?
Kurt: It's a home game and they're booing so, probably not us.
Lorenzo: Does that mean anything for my chances of pitching today?
Jason: Nope.
Lorenzo: All set then.
Eli: OK, he's getting up now, he's fine.
Jason: Why's the crowd still booing then?
Lorenzo: I can try changing the color of the bench to bright yellow.
*Crowd boos louder.*
Eli: That didn't work. What do we do now Jason?
Bryan: Where'd he go?
Kurt: I think he bailed.
Robert: Who's thinking of doing the same?
Bryan: Me, we can fool around with the bench tomorrow.
Eli: What if we need to pitch?
Bryan: Good point...you want to stay here just in case?
Eli: Whatever.
Bryan: Don't forget to shut the bench off when you're done.
Eli: Uh huh. At least I have the game ball.