Olivia and Fred are hosting Gigi, Warren, Todd, Norah, and Meredith for a dinner party.
Fred: It’s lovely to have us all under one roof, just dining together with no drama. I can’t recall the last time that happened!
Gigi: It’s never my fault, I am drama-free.
Warren: Dear, let’s be honest with ourselves…
Gigi: I’m not the one who publicly feuded with David Beckham, am I?
Warren: He started it by claiming football to be superior to rugby! I’m the most famous rugby player in this country, am I not meant to defend my sport?
Olivia: Regardless of the intention, Posh Spice tattled on you to Claude, and I got an earful for it. So I’d prefer to avoid any repeat of that.
Warren: It won’t happen again, that I promise.
Todd: None of us are going to cause you grief.
Olivia: I wish I could believe that, however, I wasn’t born yesterday. Not to mention, look who’s sitting across the table from me.
Meredith: Are you referring to me?
Olivia: You are the only one sitting across from me, Meredith.
Meredith: I don’t cause you grief!
Olivia: Your presence causes me immense levels of grief.
Meredith: That’s not very nice.
Todd: Yes, mother, it really is not. Could you show some small degree of respect for the mother of my love? It makes us all uncomfortable.
Gigi: Puke.
Norah: I don’t mind it, honestly.
Todd: You don’t mind someone insulting your mother?
Norah: It’s a playful banter, it’s not harmful.
Olivia: It’s not playful on my end! Can’t stand her!
Fred: I was just praising us all for a lack of drama at this dinner!
Gigi: And that was the fatal flaw, really.
Fred: Regardless, this is a lovely meal, and I thank you all for helping to contribute to it.
Gigi: It’s bad form to invite people over for dinner and then ask them to make that dinner, you know.
Fred: Sometimes, I think you try to drive me insane.
Gigi: Correct.
Norah: if you excuse me, I have to run to the bathroom.
Meredith: See what you’ve done? All of your nonsense has made Norah ill!
Olivia: Wow, Trayman’s talking back, didn’t think that was possible!
Gigi: I don’t think she said she was ill, she’s just been drinking a lot. Mostly out of stress from us yelling, but that’s beside the point.
Meredith: Now you’re implying my daughter is a drunkard?
Gigi: No, but she sure can guzzle a sparkling water.
Todd: She abstains from alcohol, she thinks people make too many and choices whilst drunk to make it worth it.
Gigi: You mean she chose to start dating you sober? Surely, you’re joking!
Warren: Maybe she lost a bet!
Todd: Warren! I expect this immaturity from her, but from you?
Warren: After twenty years of marriage, it rubs off on a person.
Ten minutes later…
Norah: Honey, I’m not feeling well at all. I need to go home and rest. I feel quite drained and nauseous suddenly.
Meredith: I told you she was sick! I could see it in her face!
Gigi: Mum, you’ve poisoned the wrong Trayman!
Meredith: That implies that there’s a right Trayman to poison!
Gigi: Yes…
Fred: Norah, I do hope you feel better soon.
Olivia: Yes, it’s such a shame. I so enjoy our time together. As an aside, would you mind taking your mothe-
Fred: Olivia!
Olivia: It was worth a shot!
Fred: You never cease to amaze me.
Olivia: Thank you.
Norah: Your Royal Highness, I appreciate the invite and thank you for welcoming me into your home. I had fun while it lasted, but we’ll see each other again soon.
Olivia: You don’t have to be so formal, dear. You’ve been with my son for years now!
Warren: Trust me, Norah. Until the ring’s on the finger, she’s still “Her Royal Highness.”
Olivia: You make me out to be so uptight!
Warren: Your words, not mine!
The next day…
Norah: Honey, are you busy?
Todd: Never too busy for you, what’s the matter?
Norah: Depending on your definition, nothing is the matter. There is something you do need to know, though.
Todd: I’m all ears!
Norah: Could you set the book down?
Todd: Of course! Now, what’s going on?
Norah: You know how much I love you.
Todd: Are you leaving? Are you sick? Am I sick and you found out first somehow?
Norah: Not at all! Todd, I know we’ve always talked about the future, and we always wanted to keep this relationship private until my mum left office.
Todd: It won’t much longer! And that’s very unfortunate, of course!
Norah: I also know that, out of respect to your ex-wife and your children, you wanted to wait on starting a family together.
Todd: Correct.
Norah: Todd, none of that is going to be possible. I’m pregnant.
Todd: Oh my god! That’s incredible!
Norah: It is?
Todd: Why wouldn’t it be? I’m going to have a child with the woman I love!
Norah: It’s not the plan.
Todd: You can’t plan out life! You can try, and sometimes it works out better than other times, but life often has other plans.
Norah: Won’t your family be upset? We’re not married.
Todd: I don’t have to follow the same rules as the rest of them, I’m not a working royal. I’m mostly a private citizen.
Norah: Still, you think they’ll understand so easily?
Todd: I don’t care what they think, especially after how they judged my mother. What I care about is a life with you. I love you, and I’m thrilled to be starting a family with you.
Norah: That’s so sweet! And so romantic!
Todd: I don’t want to ruin this moment, especially since I have a feeling it may have been leading to, uh… intimacy. However, how do you want to go about telling our families?
Norah: I didn’t even think of that, I’ve just been fretting about telling you.
Todd: And how do we hide this from the press? They’re going to be even more laser-focused on your mother now that this election’s being held in a month. They’ll spot the bump if you’re pictured around her.
Norah: That’s not something I’m worrying myself about in the slightest. I’m not even showing, and I won’t be for some time yet.
Todd: If you’re not worried, I won’t worry.
Norah: I’m just happy. I feel at peace. Thank you for making me feel at peace.
Todd: It’s you and me, Norah. I’m always going to be here for you, and I know you’ll always be here for me. I couldn’t be more excited.
The next day…
Olivia: You are what?
Gigi: Oh, this is too funny! I always told you he was a screw-up, mum!
Olivia: Now is not the time for gloating, Gigi.
Gigi: Eh, it kind of feels like it.
Todd: In case you sincerely needed it repeated, Norah is pregnant, and we’re having a child.
Olivia: Saying it a second time doesn’t make it less horrific.
Meredith: What’s horrific about it?
Olivia: My genes mixing with yours! I can’t imagine something more horrific!
Meredith: You love me!
Olivia: I’d love it if the British public rose up and overthrew you and then have you executed by guillotine like Marie Antoinette!
Gigi: It was a long ride, but that was a good burn.
Olivia: Thank you, I thought it was one of my better ones.
Norah: It’s hard not to take at least a bit of offense to your response, if I’m honest.
Meredith: I’m happy, for what it’s worth!
Norah: Thank you, mum.
Todd: I’m disappointed, I thought you’d be just as thrilled as I am about this!
Olivia: It’s just a strange situation. Norah, I do love you, and you two are perfect together. I just don’t know how to feel about the fact that my grandchild is going to have that woman’s DNA!
Meredith: I appreciate the fact that my first grandchild will have your family’s DNA!
Olivia: Of course you do, we’re royalty! You’re going to have a child in the line of succession to our throne!
Meredith: I didn’t even think of that! Does that mean I’m on it, too? Or will I just have to settle for being the king or queen’s gran?
Olivia: First of all, in order for this child to become the reigning monarch, roughly twenty-five members of my family, including myself, would need to die. Considering the harsh reality of life, that may or may not be a good thing. However, it won’t happen, so you will never be the grandmother of the monarch, thank god.
Todd: I think what we really need to focus on here is that two people who are in love are going to bring life into this world! Does this family not need joy?
Gigi: I’d argue that this is really the opposite of joy. It’s a nightmare I need to be woken up from.
Meredith: Fred, you’ve been silent. What do you think?
Fred: I think it’s wonderful for these two to be having a baby. I’ve seen their relationship firsthand, their love is true and genuine, and they’ll make great parents.
Norah: You don’t fear the Royal Family’s response to this?
Fred: Considering how they reacted to my own controversial relationship with one of its members, I don’t much care how they feel about it.
Olivia: Counterpoint: I’m the one who’ll have to deal with them! And they’re very annoying, especially when they’re upset!
Todd: I see no reason for them to be upset.
Olivia: You tell them that!
Todd: I will!
Olivia: All right, we’ll go over and tell them right now!
Norah: Are they all there? Maybe we need more time.
Gigi: You look scared, Norah. I’d be scared, too. You’ve been impregnated by a loser.
Fred: Enough! The way you talk about your brother is unacceptable!
Gigi: Fred, you’re not my dad. More importantly, you’re not Todd’s, so I see no reason to defend him.
Fred: I care deeply for you both. I’ve known both of you for twenty-five years, and I think I’ve earned the right to call you out when you behave poorly. Even if, yes, I am not your father.
Meredith: But let’s focus on the important thing: Todd’s about to become a father!
Olivia: He has two children already, genius.
Meredith: He does?
Norah: Did you not know that?
Meredith: I have a lot on my mind!
Todd: Mum, I have a serious question. I don’t want a joke answer. Are you seriously upset about this pregnancy? Again, I want honesty, no jokes.
Olivia: I’m happy if you’re happy. Even if that means being tied to Meredith forever, a thought that makes me immediately shudder.
Todd: That makes me feel better.
Meredith: It doesn’t make me feel better! I thought your venom towards me was a joke!
Olivia: You’re dimmer than I thought!
Later that day…
Claude: Olivia, what brings you and the entire family here? This is quite unusual.
Olivia: We have news!
Eleanor: Frederick…
Fred: Eleanor…
Claire: That was weird, no?
Arthur: They have a very strange relationship.
Eleanor: It’s not strange, it’s strained.
Arthur: That too.
Claude: So what’s the news?
Olivia: Todd, take it away.
Todd: Norah?
Norah: No, this your family, you get to start.
Eleanor: What news could the two of you possibly hav- oh boy.
Ethan: I’m lost.
Selina: You often are, dear.
Mandy: Aww look, it’s Boy George and Madonna!
Todd: Boy George?
Christine: Imagine forgetting ninety-five percent of everything you’ve ever known, but remembering Boy George. I’ve never heard of anything crueler.
Claire: I like Culture Club!
Arthur: Do you really want to hurt me?
Claude: For the love of god, let them talk!
Eleanor: Exactly, I’m ninety, I could die at any second and you’re wasting many of them!
Todd: My beloved family, Norah and I are thrilled and overjoyed to announce that we are having a baby.
Claude: Oh my god.
Christine: This is the worst thing to ever happen to this family! Hands down!
Claire: Wasn’t Olivia kidnapped once?
Christine: That was a good thing!
Claude: It was only an attempt, anyway. She was in genuine harm for an hour, tops.
Olivia: Glad to hear my safety is of such concern to you.
Todd: You don’t seem pleased?
Ethan: Christine just called it the worst thing to eve happen to our family, apparently worse than the deaths of multiple family members. I’d say that’s a reaction that indicates she’s less than pleased.
Claude: This is one of the worst scandals our family’s ever faced. A member of the Royal Family procreating with the child of the prime minister! This is unprofessional! This is… oh my god, I can’t express the words.
Gigi: In his defense, he’s barely even a member of this family.
Selina: Is it too late to kick him out? Can we hold a vote?
Ethan: Selina, that’s -
Selina: Remember our fight from last week?
Ethan: a wonderful idea!
Claude: I don’t understand how this even happened.
Eleanor: It’s not as if their relationship is brand new. We knew this could happen. We just expected them to have the knowledge to wait until after her mother left office.
Todd: This wasn’t the plan, and I know that it’s not ideal for you lot, but I’m happy about it.
Eleanor: I know I’m supposed to take the hardliner opinion as the matriarch of this family -
Christine: No, that’s me.
Eleanor: In your dreams.
Christine: In reality!
Eleanor: However, I saw how judging my daughter for her choices caused us all pain. I shunned her, and it just ruined lives. I won’t do that again. Todd, I welcome this news, and I wish you and Norah well.
Todd: Thank you, gran! I love you!
Claude I can’t say I feel the same way.
Olivia: Stop being such a judgmental ass, would you?
Claude: It’s my job to offer moral guidance to this family and set the standard. I can’t support such an unethical decision that’ll bring negative attention to the family. We’ve already drawn enough negative press this year.
Olivia: Mum, knock some sense into him.
Eleanor: It’s not my job to remind him of his heart. He’ll have to come to his senses on his own.
Selina: Stand your ground, Claude! You’re on the right side of history!
The next day…
Meredith: Your Majesty, I was quite surprised to learn of your invite. I wasn’t expecting to see you again so soon.
Claude: I, unfortunately, have a personal matter that I must discuss with you. It concerns us both.
Meredith: Is this about Todd and Norah’s baby? Isn’t that swell?
Claude: I’m not sure I feel the same way, to be honest.
Meredith: How can you not?
Claude: He’s the nephew of the king, she’s the daughter of the prime minister.
Meredith: Feels like a romance novel, no?
Claude: It’s more like a nightmare in my eyes. It’s a conflict of interest. I’m supposed to advise you and offer you guidance, but I’m not meant to show signs of favoring you. I need to be an independent head of state. How can I be independent when our family trees are now intertwined?
Meredith: Your majesty, I don’t mean to be curt, but I think you ought to think less about public opinion and more about the importance of family. Sure, I thought of the bad optics here, but my daughter’s happy. Your nephew is happy, he’s going to have a child. Don’t treat him poorly just because you’re obsessed about looking independent and morally superior. Besides, what’s done is done. It’s better to embrace the mess in life than to push it away and, in turn, hurt the people you love.
Claude: I can’t believe I’m saying this to you of all people, but that was incredibly wise and thoughtful.
Meredith: Thank you!
Later that day, there’s a knock at Todd’s door. He answers.
Norah: What is it, dear?
Todd: It’s a congratulatory bouquet of flowers from my uncle to us. He says he can’t wait for our “bundle of joy” to arrive.
Norah: Aww, I told you he’d come around.
Todd: You always do know best.
Norah: Aren’t you so glad you’ve got me?
Todd: Gladder than you’ll ever know. Can I ask you something right now?
Norah: Yes.
Todd: Norah, will you m-
Norah: I already said it. Yes. I’ve always thought Mrs. Norah Williams has a nice ring to it.
Todd: I love you.
What did you think of this episode of The Princess Royal? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next Monday!
