Teri: Do you guys hear something?
Velma: It’s very annoying, so I’m guessing it’s Frank’s voice.
Frank: I didn’t say anything, and I’d like to be left out of this narrative.
Velma: No.
Ralph: Someone’s honking a horn. It’s driving me nuts, too.
Cindy: Have we considered going outside to see who it is?
Betty: What if it’s a gang trying to get our attention so they can shoot us?
Teri: You think a gang honks politely to entice their victims out to murder them?
Betty: I think it’s possible.
The door swings open.
Betty: Take him first! The rest of us have something to live for!
Frank: You’re older than me!
Betty: I’m still going places, man! You’re not!
Teri: She’s not wrong. She’s a successful business owner. You’re just Frank.
Danielle: He’s just Frank, someone should run him over with a tank.
Jerry: Why are you guys acting so crazy?
Teri: Mom thinks a gang was honking outside to get us to come outside so they can shoot us.
Jerry: That was me! Why’d you guys ignore it?
Cindy: Did you hear what Teri just said? We were dealing with insanity.
Jerry: Well, I’m not in a gang, and I want you guys to come outside and see something.
Betty: Promise we won’t be shot?
Jerry: Ever?
Betty: If we go outside right now!
Jerry: I won’t shoot you, and there’s no one outside who would.
Betty: All right, everyone, let’s go. I’ve saved us.
Teri: But you didn’t do anything.
Betty: You’re welcome.
In the front yard…
Cindy: Oh my god.
Tammi: It’s -
Velma: Hideous.
Jerry: Oh, come on!
Velma: What do you want me to say, it looks nice?
Jerry: This is a top-of-the-line machine!
Velma: Why do you need a boat?
Teri: He doesn’t.
Karl: This probably should have been a family conversation.
Steven: We had to have a “family conversation” when I wanted to get a girlfriend! No way he gets to decide on his own to get a boat!
Tammi: Don’t forget the conversation that we had when you wanted that Nintendo Switch.
Steven: I still don’t know how Danielle had veto power over me getting that!
Danielle: You wanted to hook it up in the living room, that is the community living space and that needs family-wide approval.
Teri: And then some of us, those that aren’t lame, bought it for him for his birthday.
Steven: Thank you so much! I’m fine with it being in my room, I would’ve
Jerry: Okay, family vote right now on whether I get to keep the boat! Everyone in favor raise your hand.
Betty: Don’t you want time to convince us?
Jerry: I’m not an orator, there’s nothing I can say to convince you.
Karl: All right, like he said… everyone in favor of keeping the boat, raise your hand!
Jerry: That’s eight! That’s a majority!
Karl: The ayes have it, the boat stays.
Velma: Well, we tried.
Jerry: I don’t know why anyone would want it gone. It’s beautiful!
Teri: Jerry, don’t keep pushing, I’ll change me vote.
Jerry: Got it!
Cindy: So, where’s the boat going?
Jerry: We’re figuring that out.
Betty: Who is we?
Jerry: Us, as a family.
Teri: That is not my job.
Jerry: Fine, I will figure it out.
Teri: That sounds better.
The next day…
Tammi: Dad, did you ever figure out where to put the boat?
Jerry: I’ve been trying to. It doesn’t fit the garage, and I can’t put it in the street, so both of my ideas are out the window.
Betty: I’m starting to think this wasn’t thought out well at all.
Teri: When mom is saying that…
Jerry: I promise, I’m going to find a good place for it. How about the yard?
Karl: Not in my yard!
Ralph: Dad loves that grass more than he loves all of us.
Karl: That’s not true, but I do take pride in having a well-kept lawn.
Tammi: You’re going to have to figure out someplace to put it, because it’s right in my way and I have a dentist appointment.
Frank: What if you pull it in front of the house so it’s the first vehicle in the driveway? That way no cars are parked in front of it and no one has to worry about it blocking their way.
Danielle: That’ll displace all the other cars, no?
Velma: We had a system. We had a perfectly-planned system of where every car could park to ensure we can all get out of the driveway whenever we wanted, and now that boat had ruined it, and we’ve got no place to go with it. You guys should have made him get rid of it when he put it up for a vote!
Karl: You know what? Park it in the yard. It’s better than everyone having to worry about being able to pull out of the driveway.
Jerry: Are you sure?
Karl: Sure enough. Park it in there before I change my mind.
Teri: Don’t worry, dad. Grass grows!
Karl: I know, that’s the only reason I’m letting this happen.
Jerry: I appreciate the sacrifice. I promise, it’s only going to be in the yard until the lake opens up for the season, then I can dock it there.
Velma: Why didn’t you just wait to get the boat until you could dock it at the lake?
Jerry: Well, that would only be a solution for right now. It can’t stay there in the off-season anyway.
Velma: Oh my god, so this is going to be an annual nightmare for us to deal with?
Jerry: I don’t know why you’re nagging me so hard. Last I checked, I’m not married to you!
Cindy: Are you insinuating that I nag?
Jerry: I would never! I love you!
Teri: Just go move the damn boat, Jerry.
Jerry: Yeah, I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead.
Danielle: Who could witness this conversation and say that you’re coming out ahead?
Jerry: Im gonna quit before I get any farther behind.
Danielle: That’s more like it!
Three days later…
Teri: Mom, you got mail!
Betty: Ooh, is it my coupons for Kohl’s?
Steven: Is there something about giving birth that makes a woman start loving Kohl’s?
Tammi: What, is Alysa not a Kohl’s fan?
Steven: I mean, she’s not ancient, so no.
Velma: Then she’s not welcome in the family! This is a Kohl’s family!
Betty: Teri, this is from the HOA and it says “To the homeowner of 1382 Burnett Avenue.”
Teri: Yeah, that’s you.
Tammi: Plus, you’re the only one that gives a crap about the HOA.
Betty: Not true!
Jerry: Pretty true.
Mitchell: Very true.
Velma: Oh, stay out of this one, you nosy horse’s ass!
Mitchell: When did you become interested in the HOA?
Velma: I’m not, I just wanted to insult you.
Teri: Is that not what love is?
Betty: Jerry, it’s for you!
Jerry: What? I’m not the homeowner! Give it to Karl!
Betty: No, Jerry, it’s for you. I promise.
Jerry: All right, let me see it.
Cindy: Well, what does it say?
Jerry: I just got it, give me a second.
Betty: You’re all gonna know very quickly, he’s not gonna be able to hold it in.
Jerry: What in the h-e-l-l is this?
Teri: You couldn’t just say it?
Jerry: It’d be an affront to God.
Ralph: Well, we couldn’t have that.
Jerry: Thank you.
Danielle: What’s it say?
Jerry: The HOA is giving me two weeks to move the boat out of the yard or they will fine us a thousand dollars a week.
Cindy: You gotta be freakin’ kidding me!
Teri: Wow, I haven’t seen Cindy this mad since that one hotel we stayed at didn’t have a Bible in the drawer of her room!
Cindy: I wasn’t mad at the hotel, I was mad that someone clearly stole a Bible, which is antithetical to what the Good Book means! But that’s not the point! I’m not going to sit here and let the HOA tell us how to live our lives in OUR house!
Velma: Since when do you like the boat?
Cindy: I hate the boat, but Anita DeFleur doesn’t get to just force us to get rid of it!
Tammi: I agee. I think it’s a load of crap.
Teri: Not quite the load of crap that that boat is, but alas…
Ralph: What if we move it into the backyard, where she can’t see it?
Karl: No! The side yard is one thing, but you’re not driving it through the whole yard and parking it right next to my garden!
Jerry: He’s right, it would tear up the whole yard. I’ll have to look somewhere else to put it.
Tammi: We could get Steven to talk to Anita.
Cindy: I think we’ve just about used up that connection. She’s got to be tired to helping her least-favorite family just because her daughter’s boyfriend asked her to.
Steven: Alysa would be happy to help, though.
Cindy: Honey, unless Alysa assists in a hostile takeover of the HOA, I think Anita’s mind is made up on this.
Jerry: I’m going to go talk to her.
Teri: That’s a bad idea. Right?
Jerry: I can’t see it hurting. Worst she can do is say no.
Later that day…
Anita: No.
Jerry: What do you mean, “no?”
Anita: I know what you’re here for, and I have no interest in discussing it.
Alysa: Mom, what did you do now?
Anita: Nothing! Bud out!
Jerry: I don’t understand why you want me to get rid of this boat. It’s in my own yard, it’s not bothering anyone.
Anita: It’s a community-wide crackdown, I’m not singling you out. It’s for the beautification of our neighborhood.
Jerry: You think bullying people into getting rid of their own possessions helps make the neighborhood beautiful? I say it turns the neighborhood into a tyrannical hellhole.
Anita: We have rules and regulations, they’re all written down. It was time to crack down on them. I’m sorry, but I have to enforce them. If you don’t mind, I have somewhere to be.
Jerry: I’ll be fighting this at the next meeting!
Anita: You do that.
Later that night, when Jerry returns home…
Betty: How’d it go?
Jerry: It was Anita, how do you think?
Velma: All right, let get that baby moving! We’ll find a good street corner to leave it on, don’t worry!
Jerry: Nope! I’m fighting this. I’m taking it to the next HOA meeting.
Cindy: That’s on Friday, you’ll only have ten days left to move it then.
Jerry: That’s enough time, trust me.
Karl: Do you really think you’ll be able to change their minds? They’re stubborn.
Jerry: There’s no way the community is happy about being bossed around. If we make enough noise, we’ll win.
Teri: I wish you luck. I hate that boat, but I also don’t like being told what to do with my own life, so I’m on your side with this one.
Danielle: If this revolt gets us kicked out of the neighborhood, I think Jerry should have to pack all our stuff.
Jerry: They can’t do that.
Danielle: This is Anita we’re talking about, she always manages to find nice, new way to screw us over.
Ralph: And it’s usually mom’s fault.
Betty: That’s not fair.
Karl: It’s pretty fair.
Days later, at the HOA meeting…
Anita: Okay, okay! I see that you are all mad about the newly-enforced but longstanding community guidelines regarding vehicles and dwellings in unauthorized locations. We will allow you to speak.
Man: Shut up!
Anita: That’s… unproductive.
Lianne: Anita, just let these people go about their day. Stop harassing them.
Anita: I can’t do that. This is enshrined in the HOA’s rulebook, which is distributed to all residents in the neighborhood. I’m sorry to everyone, but the decision will stand. You all have ten days.
Jerry: Why do you get to tell us what to do with our own property?
Anita: This is about equality, really.
Jerry: Don’t.
Anita: The rules are equal for everyone. They keep us uniform and united.
Jerry: Even you don’t believe that!
Anita: I understand you are upset, but you have to understand that, in your case, that boat of yours is an eyesore. I own a boat, but I store it off my property, because I know the rules and follow them. Imagine how the neighborhood would look if we all did what you did and parked our vehicles wherever we wanted to.
Jerry: I think that’s what freedom is.
Anita: You have a narrow view of what freedom is.
Jerry: And you have a narrow view of what equality is.
Anita: We can stop with the back and forth bickering. You’re not changing my mind, I’m not changing your mind, we can agree to disagree.
Jerry: No, I don’t want to agree to disagree, I want you to stop being a tyrant who bosses people around and tells them what to do in their own home!
Anita: Ladies, are we ready to vote on whether the ordinance will stand?
Jerry: Look around you and see how many people are furious about this. You think this is in our interest? You only care about your own personal wants.
Anita: Those in favor of keeping the ordinance, say aye!
Jerry: Nay!
Anita: You don’t get a vote. The ayes have it, the ordinance remains.
Karl: The ayes have it…
The next day…
Cindy: You find anything?
Jerry: None of the boat storage locations are open for the season, so you can’t contact anyone about renting a space. I’ve called five and they all say they’re opening later in May.
Cindy: So what are you going to do?
Jerry: It’s gotta go. I have to sell it.
Cindy: Aww… I know that’s hard for you.
Jerry: You’re smiling.
Cindy: I smile when I’m sad.
Jerry: No you don’t.
Cindy: I’m sorry, I hate that thing. It just looks awful in the yard. If it makes you feel better, I hate even more that you have to get rid of it because of Anita’s power struggle.
Jerry: That does help a little. Not a lot, but I’m at least a little less annoyed with you.
Cindy: Why are you annoyed with me?
Jerry: I’m very clearly having a midlife crisis and you’ve not supporting it!
Cindy: This is one of the less dangerous midlife crises to have. You could have taken up drugs, or motorcycling like Mitchell, or skydiving. Boating’s not too bad. It’s just that boat that’s bad. It’s too big and too in our yard.
Jerry: I think once this boat is sold, I’ll get a new one with your permission and keep it at the lake. I just have to make sure to get a spot at one of those storage locations before the end of the season.
Cindy: That’s a good plan.
Five days later…
Jerry: All right, gang, say goodbye to the boat! I’m taking it to that guy from Tammi’s Facebook marketplace.
Tammi: I told you Facebook would have a real use one day!
Jerry: Only took fifteen years.
Tammi: Things take time!
Velma: I’ll grab the champagne!
Danielle: You know, you could seem less excited about this.
Teri: Yeah, try not looking like you just won an Oscar.
Velma: Anita likes me, she really likes me!
Jerry: I get it, the boat’s big and ugly and looks bad in our yard. It’s nothing I haven’t heard from Anita. It’s going, no one has to worry about it anymore.
Karl: Wait! I’ve been doing some research and you don’t actually have to get rid of it!
Jerry: What?
Velma: No! He absolutely has to get rid of it! He promised!
Karl: There’s a marina in Yorktown with docks available to rent per month. The price tag is a little heftier than you’d want to pay, but you can keep it there until the lake is open for boating season.
Cindy: Why would you tell him this? We were so close to getting to downsize boats instead of having to go out onboard the Titanic!
Ralph: Hey, it’s a big family.
Velma: I ain’t going on that thing!
Mitchell: Good think no one asked!
Jerry: Can we take it down there today?
Karl: I would be happy to go with you.
Jerry: Oh, you’re a lifesaver! I didn’t want to part with Bessie!
Tammi: Bessie?
Jerry: That’s what I named her!
Cindy: You’ll be renaming her, preferably to something that’s not the name of a woman other than your wife.
Jerry: It wasn’t mea-
Cindy: Don’t care!
What did you think of this episode of Our House? Let us know in the comments, and make sure to read the season finale next week!
