Frances is in her office.
Beverly: Frances, ten minutes!
Frances: Oh my god, where does the time go? And where is Jane with my lunch?
Beverly: She probably got lost.
Frances: Yeah, that’s probably what happened. She’s, uh…
Beverly: You really need to replace her.
Frances: I’ll get around to it one day.
Beverly: Just grab something from the craft services table and eat that for lunch, no one’s gonna notice or care.
Frances: I was really looking forward to my chicken caesar salad.
Beverly: There’s gotta be salad out there.
Frances: But does it have delicious chunks of chicken in it?
Beverly: I… don’t know. But be ready for filming, Dana did not appreciate it when we were late last week.
Frances: Dana can kiss my ass!
Dana: What’s this?
Frances: Nothing, Dana! It wasn’t meant the way it sounded.
Dana: I’ll pretend I believe that.
Frances: I’m just cranky, I haven’t had lunch yet.
Dana: Does it have something to do with Jane?
Frances: You know Jane by name? You’re really involved for a network head.
Dana: You’ve made it very clear that you are my most important talent. I have no choice but to keep close tabs on you, make sure everything’s going smooth.
Frances: How did you figure out it was a Jane-related screwup.
Dana: I talked to her earlier. I saw her at the restaurant ordering your lunch. I asked her to tell you something, but after I watched her walk into the bathroom when she was trying to walk out the exit, I figured it would be safest to just come tell you myself.
Frances: Can we walk and talk? Bev says I have to go get lunch from the craft services table, so it’s time for me to go eat some wilted lettuce.
Beverly: I didn’t say to eat food that’s spoiled! We’re not gonna feed the crew food that can make them sick.
Frances: I’m a star, Beverly, I have a refined palate.
Beverly: Oh, jeez.
Dana: We can definitely walk and talk if that’s what you want.
Frances: Thanks, because the tyrant says I only have ten minutes left to finish my lunch.
Beverly: Seven minutes now!
Frances: See, tyrant!
Dana: Beverly, you can give her a few extra minutes for her lunch. I’ll grant you permission.
Beverly: All right, but you better remember that when the episode wraps filming a few minutes later.
Dana: I think I can give you some grace. Now, about the reason I’m here.
Marcia: Hey, that’s my salad!
Frances: Says who?
Marcia: I called dibs on it!
Frances: Our boss is here, Marcia, I’m not arguing with you over salad. I just need something for lunch, because Jane’s apparently gotten lost.
Jane: Frances! I’m here!
Marcia: There you got, now set my crappy salad down.
Frances: Just wait. Jane, where’s my lunch?
Jane: I knew I forgot something! Let me go grab it from my car! Hey, Dana, long time no see!
Dana: She’s such an airhead, I’m genuinely unsure if she’s joking or if she really doesn’t remember seeing me less than an hour ago.
Frances: I don’t know myself.
Dana: Well, anyway, I’m here to ask you a favor.
Frances: It depends what the favor is.
Dana: One of my dear friends is the commissioner of the WNBA. She is putting together a celebrity basketball game for charity in a few weeks and asked if I could use my connections to get some participants. You are definitely a celebrity, and you’re not frail and elderly, so I think you’re our best bet. Would you be interested?
Frances: Well… I don’t play basketball ever, so I wouldn’t be much help.
Dana: It’s not really about winning. It’s just about getting names that will make people watch and come to the game. The winning team doesn’t really matter, or so I’ve been told.
Frances: I don’t see how it could be of any harm. I always love to help charity.
Dana: Ah, thank you! I have almost no one else I can ask, I needed at least one win.
Frances: So you’re not asking DeAnna?
Dana: Uh… no.
Frances: Why not?
Jane: I got your lunch, Frances!
Frances: Thank you, Jane. Only thirty minutes late, that’s really good for you.
Beverly: Yeah, we gotta get filming! Big day today, Frances is making twenty-minute casseroles!
Marcia: We used to be a show for gourmet cooking, now we’ve become The Rachael Ray Show. This is sick.
Beverly: Oh, can it, Gordon Ramsay.
Dana: You know, I love DeAnna -
Frances: No you don’t.
Dana: Yeah, I really wish Charlie’d never hired her.
Frances: We all do.
Dana: Anyway, I didn’t ask her because I’m afraid what would happen to her. At her age, a fall could be very damaging. I don’t want to risk that.
Frances: Dana, you just made my day.
Later that night, when Frances returns home…
Greg: Honey, how was work? You’re late.
Frances: Only like a half hour.
Greg: You’re never late.
Frances: That’s not true, I’m late sometimes. You should’ve called if you were worried, though. I could’ve reassured you pretty quickly.
Greg: I guess I didn’t think of it. Anyway, Jimmy and Louise are going to swing by as soon as I call them to let them know you’re here.
Frances: They moved out, and yet, they’re still here all the time. What’s it for this time?
Greg: I didn’t ask, they just said they had something to talk about.
Frances: Great.
Greg: So nothing interesting at work?
Frances: Oh my god, again with the work!
Greg: I take it it was a bad day.
Frances: No, just an uninteresting one. One thing happened, I’ll wait until they get here since I don’t feel like repeating myself.
Greg: I’ll go call!
Frances: You do that.
Five minutes later…
Louise: Finally, you’re home!
Frances: I’m not that late!
Louise: It’s pretty late.
Frances: Oh my god, you people are driving me nuts!
Louise: Jeez Louise, pardon me for being concerned.
Frances: I’km right here, there’s nothing to be concerned about!
Jimmy: I wouldn’t say nothing…
Greg: Frances, you did say you something happened today and you were waiting to tell them.
Frances: Oh, right. I signed up to be in a celebrity basketball game for charity. It’s going to air on TV somewhere, I don’t know where.
Louise: You did what?
Frances: Basketball. I assume you’re familiar with the concept.
Louise: I am, but I didn’t realize you were!
Frances: I’m not a complete moron, in spite of my many poor life choices. I know what basketball is.
Jimmy: Do you know how to play?
Frances: I’ve been told that’s not important.
Jimmy: You don’t want to look like a fool!
Frances: Foolish would be if I said no to doing something on behalf of charity.
Louise: What charity is it? You sure it’s worth the risk of becoming a me-me on Twitter?
Frances: A me-me?
Louise: Yeah, one of those little funny viral things that people share.
Frances: Oh, a meme. And, I don’t know what charity it is. I just know it’s a good cause. That’s what Dana told me. And the best part is, she said she wasn’t asking DeAnna to take part because she’s too old and frail! Isn’t that amazing?
Louise: You gonna trust a rich lady’s opinion of what a good cause is? You could be doing it on behalf of the Republican National Committee for all you know!
Frances: Dana’a not a Republican! I don’t think she is. Who cares, it’s not an RNC basketball event. That much I know.
Greg: I was quite the basketball player when I was younger, I could help coach you, help you brush up on your skills.
Jimmy: That’s a good one, Greg!
Greg: No, I was good!
Jimmy: You’re five feet tall.
Greg: I’m aware.
Jimmy: Did they put you on someone else’s shoulders?
Greg: No! Height isn’t the only thing that matters in basketball!
Jimmy: Sure.
Frances: Jimmy, are you implying that you know ball?
Jimmy: Better than him.
Louise: Why are men like this?
Frances: It is pathetic, isn’t it? So competitive, and for what? This is why we need a woman president. Men are too emotional.
Jimmy: Frances, would you let us both try and coach you? That way we can see who’s better and help you.
Greg: It’s on. Let’s go out back.
Frances: Now?
Jimmy: Well, why not?
Frances: I’m hungry. It’s dinner time. Plus, didn’t you come over to tell us something?
Jimmy: I don’t even remember what it was at this point.
Frances: Okay, then time to head home.
Jimmy: Frances!
Frances: What?
Jimmy: Let us have this.
Frances: Oh, fine! But let me get changed into something more sporty.
Louise: Do you two even have a basketball hoop?
Greg: We have one for the pool.
Louise: That’s a great way to learn to shoot hoops, using an inflatable pool decoration. This is gonna be a disaster.
Jimmy: Thanks for the faith!
Greg: I wouldn’t have any faith in you either if I were her!
The next day, at work…
Marcia: Someone’s late!
Jane: Even I got here before you! Me! I was so confused, I thought I was in a dream.
Marcia: In have a feeling that happens to you a lot.
Jane: It does, yeah.
Marcia: Hmm.
Frances: I had to stop and get myself a basketball hoop for practice.
Beverly: A basketball hoop?
Frances: Yeah! I’m practicing for the game.
Marcia: I forgot about that idiocy. You’re gonna bomb, you’re the least sporty woman I know, and I know Jane, Bev and DeAnna.
Frances: That’s not fair!
Marcia: I know, no one should be subjected to as much idiocy as I am!
Beverly: Thanks, Marcia.
Marcia: You’re welcome.
Frances: That’s why I’m trying to get better. Greg and Jimmy tried to help me last night. Maybe it was the hoop we were using, but truthfully, they both kinda sucked, so it was no help. I’m told many of the greats are self-taught, so I can surely go from disaster to mediocre all on my own.
Jane: I admire your self-confidence!
Frances: I am very confident.
Beverly: Well, I appreciate that you are trying to not look dumb on TV, but we have a show to get to, so go get changed, get your makeup done, and let’s get this show on the road!
Frances: Okay, boss!
Beverly: You could lose the tone.
Frances: No, I could not.
Later that day, during a filming break…
DeAnna: What is that horrible noise out here?
Essie: Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. The last half-hour it’s just been “Bang. Bang. Bang.” At first I thought it was someone knocking on a door, but I think they’re hand would be a bit bloodied by now if that were the case.
Frances: That’s just me, ladies!
DeAnna: Of course. What disturbance are you causing now?
Frances: I’m playing basketball.
Essie: All right, well, carry on. That’s none of my business.
Frances: Thank you, Essie! See, DeAnna, some people are normal.
DeAnna: Yeah, she’s the shining example of normalcy.
Essie: I heard that! Thank you!
Frances: She’s so sweet.
DeAnna: Why have you suddenly turned into Larry Bird? You’ve always looked like him, but you’ve never acted like him.
Frances: I’ve been asked, by our beloved boss Dana, to take part in a charity basketball game featuring celebrities. Were you not asked?
DeAnna: No! Why would she ask you and not me?
Frances: I’m really shocked, DeAnna. I don’t know what to say.
DeAnna: I have to assume she just thinks I’m too busy. I’ll go clear this up, get myself invited. Nothing happens in this town without me at least being invited to it.
Frances: Okay. I’m gonna keep practicing.
DeAnna: Lauren! I’m going to talk to Dana, hold down the fort!
Lauren: What?
DeAnna: I’m going to talk to Dana. Make sure nothing goes off the rails in the studio.
Lauren: All right, will do.
Frances: Lauren! How are you today?
Lauren: We drove here together.
Frances: Yeah, but I dropped you off quickly, we didn’t get to talk.
Lauren: I’m fine. Since when do you play basketball?
Frances: I’m playing in a charity game. I’m no good, but I’m trying to get better.
Lauren: You know, I used to play basketball back in middle school. I’m rusty, but I could try helping you out.
Frances: I don’t know why your dad didn’t tell me. He and your uncle tried coaching me themselves last night, they were disastrous.
Lauren: That’s not a surprise.
Frances: I only have like ten minutes left until Bev’s gonna run out to tell me to get inside to start filming again, maybe we could do our little lesson after work?
Lauren: That would be good! That’ll delay us from inevitably having to see my parents tonight, because they’re somehow always around.
Frances: Oh my god, right? They’re so clingy.
Lauren: Imagine living with them for twenty years.
Frances: I feel like they would’ve lived with me for longer if they could have.
Lauren: That’s… true.
Frances: Thankfully, no wI only have you living in my guest house, and you’re a respectful guest.
Lauren: I try my hardest to learn from their mistakes.
Two weeks later…
Marcia: It’s not that bad.
Frances: You’re a liar!
Marcia: Frances, you did your best.
Frances: Two weeks of lessons from Lauren and I faceplant right out of the gate.
Marcia: So you’re not Magic Johnson. That’s fine. You tried.
Frances: I got my ass handed to me by DeAnna, who Dana thought was too old to even play!
Beverly: Frances, it was a women’s basketball game for charity that aired on a Sunday night. No one was watching, anyway. You’re good.
Frances: That’s a fair point.
Jane: I thought you did really well! You defended the net really well just standing there.
Frances: I was not trying to defend the net. That was because I was too petrified to move at that point.
Jane: Well you did great either way!
Beverly: You know how you can forget the failure of that game?
Frances: Don’t even.
Beverly: By getting to work!
Frances: I can’t stand you.
Beverly: I don’t blame you.
What did you think of this episode of Frances in the Kitchen? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the new episode next week!
