Jerry, Cindy and Tammi rush into the house.
Betty: You're back from Christmas shopping without any bags? It went that badly?
Jerry: Badly? No, it went great!
Teri: You would think it’s great to not spend any money on gifts for your family.
Jerry: Huh? What are you talking about?
Teri: What are you talking about?
Jerry: We got gifts, they’re in the car.
Betty: That doesn’t seem smart.
Jerry: We had to tell you our big news.
Mitchell: Did you see the billboard for the Rolling Stones that they put up on the highway? Exciting, right?
Tammi: What? why would that be big news to us?
Mitchell: It’s cool!
Jerry: We got jobs at the mall!
Karl: Jobs at the mall? I guess they do need the holiday help this time of year.
Jerry: We’re not working at any stores, it’s much better than that.
Karl: What are you doing, then? Are you selling Hickory Farms sausages?
Jerry: Goodness, no. I’m going to be a mall Santa and Cindy and Tammi will be my elves!
Teri: Haha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You did not!
Jerry: We did!
Teri: Those poor children.
Velma: I must say, Jerry, you aren’t the type that I would expect to want a bunch of snotty, slobbery kids on his lap every day for a month.
Jerry: I haven’t been very busy since I retired and I saw the mall was looking for another Santa and thought it could but fun.
Betty: Cindy, why did you and Tammi agree to be elves? You have jobs!
Cindy: We’re weakened helpers. It’s only a few hours a day and it’s something new.
Tammi: Meanwhile, I just need to get away from you guys. I’m here 24/7, I gotta get out. I’m kidding, of course. Mom begged me to do it with her and I agreed.
Teri: So these three will be scaring the bejeezus out of the kids of Henrico County for the next month? Mom, we’re gonna have to take a trip to the mall tomorrow just to see this. It’s going to be hilarious.
Betty: I’m in, of course.
Jerry: It’ll be great, you guys. We’ll have fun and make some Christmas memories for kids.
Danielle: Do kids actually like going to visit Santa at the mall? I feel like most are absolutely terrified by it, if pictures I see on Facebook are any indicator.
Betty: I only took the kids to see Santa a few times. They weren’t fans. Cindy pulled his beard off, Ralph bit him, and Teri -
Teri: Don’t.
Betty: Teri peed on him.
Teri: You were supposed to take that to your grave.
Karl: Here we go…
The next day…
Betty: Steven, would you like to help me make cookies?
Steven: Sure, grandma Betty.
Betty: I think this is the best way we can pass the time that your mom and grandparents are working at the mall. We get to do something fun and needed for our Christmas celebration while they’re gone.
Danielle: Can I help?
Betty: Oh, sure. Let me go upstairs to get my cookbooks.
Danielle: You leave your cookbooks upstairs?
Betty: Yes, I do. I don’t want anyone copying my recipes. Otherwise, they might bake for the holidays without me!
Betty walks away and goes up to her room. When she exits, she pulls Velma aside.
Velma: You grabbed my arm so rough, I thought I was walking in downtown Lakey after dark.
Betty: Sorry, I just need your help.
Velma: What is it? I’m trying to wrap for Christmas and don’t want Mitchell to see anything.
Betty: Oh, you’re busy?
Velma: Depended on what you ask, I’m very busy.
Betty: I want you to come bake with me and Steven and Danielle.
Velma: You do? Why?
Betty: Well, Teri’s out shopping and you’re the only one that can help.
Velma: What do you need help with?
Betty: Supervising Danielle and making sure she doesn’t ruin anything.
Velma: Why would you need to do that?
Betty: Have you tasted her baking?
Velma: I don’t remember.
Betty: You’d remember.
Velma: That bad?
Betty: That bad. The driest, most flavorless cookies I’ve ever had. I think she forgot to put sugar in them.
Velma: I guess I can help. We don’t need her messing up the holiday baking.
Betty: Thank you, you’re a life-saver!
Betty and Velma walk downstairs.
Betty: Velma’s gonna help, guys! She begged me to let her.
Ralph: Did she?
Betty: She did!
Meanwhile, at the mall…
Cindy: Tammi, is your elf costume… tight?
Tammi: No. Is yours?
Cindy: I can’t get it on.
Tammi: Is it the right size?
Cindy: I think so. It says it’s a medium.
Tammi: How small is it?
Cindy: Quite.
Tammi: Maybe try a large.
Cindy: No! I am not a size large. I’ve been a medium all my life. Even when I was pregnant with you. My belly stuck out of my shirt, but I was in high school so the boys didn’t mind.
Tammy: Oh, god. That's disturbing, mom.
Cindy: It’s true!
Tammi: Just try on the large, mom.
Jerry: Cindy, look!
Cindy: What? What did my mother do now?
Jerry: Nothing.
Cindy: That’s my default response, sorry.
Jerry: That’s a junior’s medium.
Cindy: It is?
Jerry: Yes. There’s an empty hook here on the wall for junior’s medium. The adult medium is still here.
Cindy: Thank god! I’m still skinny!
Tammi: You know, it’s okay to gain some weight.
Cindy: Yes, it is. I just choose to not do that.
Jerry: We better get to work. The kids are surely waiting for us and the previous Santa left his post five minutes ago.
Cindy: I’m all ready to go!
Jerry, Cindy and Tammi walk out of the dressing room and are greeted by Maggie, the photographer.
Maggie: You guys are late, you gotta hurry up net time. We can’t keep the kids waiting so long.
Jerry: Sorry, we had a dressing room emergency.
Tammi: Someone picked up the wrong costume.
Cindy: That someone made a simple mistake and now has fixed that and is here and ready to work!
Maggie: So it was you.
Cindy: No!
Tammi: Yes.
Cindy: Snitch!
Maggie: I don’t really care, just get over to the throne so we can get to making childhood memories for these kids.
Jerry: Ho, ho, ho!
Maggie: Dial it back a notch, Santa. I know you’re not really St. Nicholas. Try to convince the kids you are, not me.
Jerry: Will do! Might have to put you on the naughty list, though.
Tammi: She doesn’t look thrilled, dad. Let’s go do our job.
One hour later, at the house…
Betty: Why are there no chocolate chips in these chocolate chip cookies?
Danielle: I thought Steven was putting them in.
Steven: I’m a child!
Betty: Velma? Explanation?
Velma: I forgot to watch. I was too busy mixing the peanut butter dough.
Betty: Why did you move on to that so quickly?
Velma: Why did you walk away for ten minutes?
Betty: Teri called me to ask what I wanted her to pick up for your father.
Danielle: I think we can handle one batch of cookies without chocolate chips in them. We’ll make them right next time.
Betty: You’ve already made three dozen without chocolate chips.
Danielle: We’re making more than that! We’ll get some right.
Betty: That’s not the point. We need them to be perfect. Christmas must be perfect.
Danielle: That’s not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about joy and togetherness and having a good time reflecting on the good things in life.
Betty: For me, that’s having a beautiful Christmas display that is gorgeous, and having delicious food, and making sure my family has a perfect Christmas of their own.
Danielle: I can austere you, we will make do with imperfect cookies.
Betty: Danielle, you can’t bake!
Danielle: What?
Betty: You’re terrible at baking, I’m sorry.
Danielle: What? People love my baking.
Betty: You just made chocolate chip-less chocolate chip cookies.
Danielle: That was one mistake.
Betty: You always seem to forget some ingredient.
Danielle: No I don’t.
Betty: I’m pretty sure you forgot sugar last year.
Danielle: I did not!
Betty: Velma, help me out here.
Velma: I’m not touching this.
Danielle: You really hate my cooking?
Betty: Hate? No. I admire that you try. I just don't enjoy the taste.
Danielle: I’ll show you! I’m going to make a cookie that you love! You give me an hour, I’ll make something magical.
Betty: Okay, I’ll let you try. One hour to make one batch of cookies that’s good. Use any recipe.
Danielle: I feel like I’m on Bake Your Heart Out.
Betty: Please don’t insult Frances like that.
Back at the mall, a child is visiting Jerry.
Jerry: Come, sit next to Santa! What’s your name, little one?
Kid: I’m Max!
Jerry: What do you want for Christmas, Max?
Max: I want a new wagon!
Jerry: A wagon, okay.
Max: I also want my parents to get back together.
Cindy: Oh… no.
Maggie: Smile!
Max: Can you do that, Santa?
Maggie: Jerry, your face looks ridiculous on here.
Max: Jerry?
Maggie: Oh, that’s just -
Tammi: Santa’s nickname! Maggie has a nickname for Santa because they met at Jerry’s department store. That’s where he hired her to work here!
Max: Wow, that’s cool!
Jerry: It sure is cool! Now, smile for Santa’s little helper Maggie!
Maggie takes the picture.
Max: So, about my parents…
Jerry: Santa can’t make any promises. Just know that no matter what, your parents both love you very much.
Max: Is that a yes?
Jerry: You have to wait until Christmas for any and all gifts!
Maggie: We need to get to the next child. There’s quite a line already.
Jerry: Okay, thanks for visiting Max. I’ll see you Christmas Eve!
One hour later, back at the house…
Teri: Oh, my god. What the heck happened in this house while I was gone?
Danielle: I made cookies!
Teri: In the living room?
Danielle: The bowl accidentally slipped out of my hand. I’ve been drinking too much eggnog.
Steven: It’s been so scary, Aunt Teri.
Teri: You’re scaring a child, Danielle.
Danielle: I made cookies, though! Without forgetting any ingredients.
Betty: Let me try them, Danielle. I’m very intrigued.
Danielle: I made them AND I used cookie cutters to make them the right shape.
Velma: I need to try one, too.
Frank: Oh, don’t mind if I do.
Betty: Don’t you dare eat that cookie first, you son of a bitch.
Frank: What? It’s a cookie, you have plenty of others here.
Betty: It’s the principle. I want to be the first to sample it.
Frank: Okay, just sample it quick. My mouth’s watering.
Ralph: Your mouth’s always watering.
Betty takes a bite from the cookie.
Betty: Wow, Danielle. This is actually really good.
Danielle: It is?
Betty: See what happens when you focus and put every ingredient in? Goodness happens. What’s in these cookies, by the way?
Danielle: Walnuts, cranberries and chocolate chips.
Betty: What? I’m allergic to walnuts!
Danielle: Oh, my god! You are? I’m so sorry! I have an epipen in my purse!
Teri: She isn’t.
Betty: I’m not.
Danielle: My god, you scared me!
Frank: I wasn’t too scared.
Ralph: That’s cold.
Frank: It’s true!
Steven: You should apologize, dad.
Frank: I’m joking!
Ralph “It’s true,” “I’m joking,” pick one.
Frank: Both were jokes.
Teri: Mom, are you ready to go to the mall?
Betty: For what?
Teri: To see our mall Santa?
Betty: Oh, yeah. Let’s go.
Danielle: What about baking?
Betty: You’ve got the hang of it. You can finish up with Steven and Velma. My recipes are there. Just make some chocolate chips, peanut butter and snowballs and you’re good.
Danielle: Snowballs?
Betty: Read the directions and follow along, you’ll get it right.
Velma: If not, I’m here to help!
Betty: You were such help last time.
At the mall…
Teri: What do you mean we can’t get in line to see Santa?
Maggie: Ma’am, you’re not a child. You can’t take up valuable time away from the kids to harass our mall Santa.
Betty: He’s our mall Santa! He’s my son-in-law.
Maggie: That’s wonderful. I have to get back to work. Do not get in line. You will not be allowed to see Santa.
Maggie walks away.
Betty: Hey, Jerry!
Jerry: What?
Hector (kid): Who’s Jerry?
Jerry: I’m Jerry.
Hector: You’re who?
Jerry: I mean Santa, I’m Santa!
Cindy: Give it up, Jerry. We’re found out.
Maggie: Give what up? Don’t do anything!
Betty: Jerry, what is the holdup?
Jerry: Betty, stop!
Betty: I just want a picture with you but this lady won’t let us.
Jerry: I said stop!
Hector: Why is Santa being mean? Are you even Santa?
Jerry: Of course not, Santa isn’t eve-
Tammi: Santa’s being pulled in many directions right now. This is Santa, but he’s a bit confused. Now, smile for the camera!
Maggie takes a picture and then walks over to Jerry, Cindy and Tammi after Hector walks away.
Maggie: You are the most disastrous site I’ve ever had. How hard is it to be a Mall Santa?
Jerry: I’m sorry.
Maggie: I gave you a chance because you’re a vet, but this is too much. You may have just ruined Santa for a bunch of kids. End of work today, you’re done. Don’t come back.
Jerry: End of day? That’s in an hour.
Maggie: That’s too long if you ask me.
Cindy: Am I f-
Maggie: Yes. You’re fired, too, Cindy. Tammi, you have a natural gift with children. You can stay on for the rest of the year if you want.
Tammi: Really? That’s sweet.
Maggie: You’re a good elf.
One hour later…
Teri: I think this was a bad idea.
Jerry: You think?
Betty: It’s not entirely our fault.
Cindy: Mostly, though.
Jerry: It’s okay, I wasn’t meant to be Santa. I think I’ll try out for the Nutcracker next at the local theatre.
Betty: That’s funny.
Jerry: I’m serious!
Betty: Wow, you’re really bored!
Teri: for now, I think we should just get home for our annual viewing of It’s A Wonderful Life.
Jerry: That would be nice.
Betty: You like my Christmas sweater, Tammi?
Tammi: Yes, it’s beautiful, grandma.
Betty: Good. I think you’ll be happy on Christmas morning.
Tammi: Did you just -?
Teri: Yes, she did. That’s what she does best. Spoils Christmas. One year, she let it slip that she bought me the Malibu Barbie that I always wanted. It’s a Betty Bellwood tradition.
What did you think of the midseason finale of Our House? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the midseason premiere in January and the Bake Your Heart Out Christmas special next week!
