FRAN
Thanks everyone for getting up early, it’s so nice to be back in my old church. Just a few more steps and we’re at the entrance!
BRIAN
Alright let’s get this over with so we can go back home and open presents. That gift swap yesterday barely went anywhere.
CHRIS
That’s not true, I got a really cool lamp!
DAVID
I didn’t know you liked lamps.
CHRIS
Sarcasm, Dad.
MARY
You never were good at picking up at that.
DAVID
Everything I do gets criticized now?
DREW
Fighting’s not going to get anyone anywhere.
JOSH [opening the door to the church]
Wow, it’s crowded in here. Are we sure we’re coming in at the right time?
BRIAN
What time is it?
MARY
9am.
BRIAN
Yeah, Mass should start any second now.
FRAN
It doesn’t look like we’re all going to be able to sit together. Why don’t we all split up into the groups we were in for dinner last night and meet back at the house when Mass is over?
BRITNEY
Yeah, and when exactly will that be?
FRAN
Nice try Britney. We’re all staying here the whole time.
NATE [to STEVE and DAISY]
Outsiders follow me, I think I see a spot in the back.
CHRIS
I think I see a spot over by the big piano.
BRITNEY 2
Unless you want to sing then I don’t think that’s a great idea. We’ll stand off to the side. Chris, Julian, and Britney, follow me.
ANDREW
I think I see an opening somewhere in the middle. William, Mary, and Drew, we’re in for an exciting time.
CATHERINE
Don’t think I see any more openings...
FRAN
There’s still an empty row front and center! We can sit there!
JOSH
Lucky us.
FRAN
Remember everyone, we meet back at the house right after Mass finishes.
[Cut to DAISY, STEVE, and NATE]
DAISY
I think the guy on the stage is staring at me. Is he into me?
STEVE
That guy’s called the altar man and he’s not allowed to marry until he’s 80, but he can have multiple girlfriends at a time.
NATE
That is not true at all. Daisy, with all due respect I’m pretty sure he’s not into you.
[Cut to BRITNEY, BRITNEY 2, JULIÁN, and CHRIS]
BRITNEY
OK so what’s our plan for how to get out of here?
BRITNEY 2
Wait for it to finish and then leave?
CHRIS
I know! We can ask for Communion early and leave after that!
JULIAN
That’s a terrible idea. But I think I know what we can do.
BRITNEY
Tell us.
JULIAN
Get up and leave. We’re further back in the church than anyone else we know. Nobody will even notice.
CHRIS
I’m kind of hungry. Who else is down for ditching this and going out to get pancakes?
BRITNEY
I’m down for the first part.
BRITNEY 2
How did I get caught up with all of you?
[BRITNEY, BRITNEY 2, JULIAN, and CHRIS get up and leave the church]
[Cut to WILLIAM, MARY, ANDREW, and DREW. MARY is singing loudly while the others are trying to contain their laughter. MARY stops after seeing their reactions.]
MARY
What’s so funny?
ANDREW
Oh nothing. Nothing at all.
DREW
Mom your singing is terrible.
MARY
I’m singing in God’s name! Sue me if there’s something wrong with that.
WILLIAM
As someone who is certified to sue other people, I’ll consider your request.
ANDREW
All I know is there better not be a singing competition in Fran’s games.
[Cut to DAVID, CATHERINE, FRAN, BRIAN, and JOSH]
FRAN
Wonderful seats.
BRIAN
You’ve said that six times now, we get it. And disagree.
CATHERINE
I typically like to not feel like the priest is staring at me the whole time.
JOSH
Yeah and that priest has already stopped Mass to yell at me personally before.
FRAN
That was 25 odd years ago.
JOSH
You’re thinking of a different time.
PRIEST (stopping Mass, looking directly at Josh)
Excuse me, but if you would like to talk there are plenty of exits. Those kids who were sitting in the back earlier got the message.
JOSH
Sorry Father.
BRIAN
It’s OK.
[Cut to WILLIAM, MARY, ANDREW, and DREW]
ANDREW
Is the priest yelling at Josh?
MARY
Looks it.
ANDREW
What should we do?
WILLIAM
Looks like he’s cutting off the Mass early because of this. So, leave, I guess. Come on everyone.
[Cut to DAVID, CATHERINE, FRAN, BRIAN, and JOSH]
JOSH
Father, I can’t believe I’m saying this but you can’t cut off Mass early!
BRIAN
I’m not...
JOSH
Not you!
FRAN
Christmas is ruined!
DAVID
Mom it’s not ruined, this is just an unexpected turn of events. Let’s just head back to the car and figure everything out.
[DAVID, CATHERINE, FRAN, BRIAN, and JOSH exit and drive back to the house. They walk inside.]
CATHERINE
Um, guys...Where is everyone?
FRAN
They must not be back yet, give it time.
[Cut to BRITNEY, BRITNEY 2, JULIAN, and CHRIS at a diner eating breakfast]
[Cut to DAISY, STEVE, and NATE on the side of the road with a broken down car]
[Cut to WILLIAM, MARY, ANDREW, and DREW locked inside the church with no one else around]