Diane knocks on Sam’s bedroom door.
Sam: Diane, is that you?
Diane: Yeah…
Sam: You sound awful.
Diane: I don’t feel well.
Sam: What are you telling me for? I’m not a doctor.
Diane: I just, uh… I needed some words of encouragement.
Sam: You’ll be fine. That good? I’m tired.
Diane: I don’t know if I’m okay.
Sam: What do you mean? What’s even wrong?
Diane: My stomach.
Sam: Is it nausea, just sharp pains, an achy feeling?
Diane: I think I’m going to throw up.
Sam: So probably not appendicitis. Take a Pepto-Bismol and go lay down.
Diane: You sure?
Sam: Diane, we have to get up at five AM tomorrow to fly out of Greece. I need us both to get rest, or tomorrow will be hell.
Diane: So you think I’m okay?
Sam: You’re fine! You won’t be if you keep bugging me!
Diane: Where’s the Pepto?
Sam: There’s a green bag in the bathroom. It’s in there with some other medicine.
Diane: That’s your bag, you don’t let me touch your stuff.
Sam: I’m making an exception here, so long as it means you’ll go get some rest and let me sleep.
Diane: Thank you!
Sam: It’s nothing, really. Now, I’m going to sleep. You’ll survive the night, trust me.
The next morning…
Leslie: Sam, I think we’re missing someone.
Sam: You think right!
Leslie: Where is she?
Sam: So…
Frances: She finally killed her.
Charlotte: I expected this to happen several years ago, honestly.
Sam: I did not kill her!
Garry: There’s no way for us to know that.
Sam: For the love of god, if I were going to kill anyone, it’d be Garry.
Melanie: I believe her. Garry is absolutely who she’d take out first, not Diane.
Charlotte: Good point.
Leslie: Again I ask, because no one ever listens until I get mad: where is Diane?
Sam: Diane is feeling under the weather this morning.
Leslie: While I sympathize with that, I’m going to need a bit more of a clarification on it. How sick are we talking?
Sam: You know how her favorite album right now is GUTS by Olivia Rodrigo? Well, she’s spilling hers all over the bathroom right about now.
Leslie: She’s throwing up?
Sam: A lot, yes.
Leslie: She’s not going to be able to fly then.
Sam: Thank you, good to know we’ve got Columbo on the case.
Frances: There’s no need to be rude.
Sam: There’s a need.
Leslie: Who knows how long she’ll be out of commission. She’ll certainly have to stay in the current hotel. I have to track Jacqueline down and tell her what’s up. And how do we move forward with filming?
Frances: I suppose it’s too far of a haul to get her sister in to replace her this time?
Leslie: A bit, yeah. Oh, this will be a nightmare with extending the hotel room and reshaping the plans for the new episode in Vienna.
Garry: I can’t believe she’s going to miss our episode set in the location of her favorite Billy Joel song.
Melanie: I missed a few weeks of filming when I was under the weather, you all managed without me.
Leslie: Melanie, we love you.
Melanie: I’m aware.
Leslie: This is not a personal attack… however… it’s much easier to keep the show going without you than without one of the two faces of the show.
Frances: The other face better be me!
Sam: Guess again!
Melanie: I get what you mean, Leslie. I don’t know how you can do a show without Diane. She’s an essential part of the family.
Leslie: Well, e the first time we have. Done it before, the people didn’t like it that much.
Sam: They hated it, you need us.
Leslie: Yes, I know, we need you.
Sam: Never take that for granted.
Leslie: This’ll be the first time Sam is hosting it solo, though. I guess there’s a first time for everything.
Sam: I don’t know if I can do it, talking about cookies is really complicated!
Leslie: You joke, but I know you and Diane rely on each other a lot when you’re hosting.
Sam: I carry the team, we all know that.
Leslie: I’m gonna let you remain in your delusion while I go call Jacqueline and let her know what’s up.
Sam: It’s not delusion.
Frances: It’s delusion.
Leslie steps away and calls Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: Leslie, what’s up? Aren’t you lot headed to the airport? The flight leaves in a few hours.
Leslie: Jacqueline, we have a situation.
Jacqueline: That’s never a good thing to hear from you.
Leslie: It’s never a good thing to say! I feel like our conversations are only ever about bad things.
Jacqueline: I’ve never met a crew of people with more problems than on your show. What is it now?
Leslie: Diane has come down with something.
Jacqueline: What is “something?”
Leslie: She’s throwing up, she’s got a stomach bug of some kind.
Jacqueline: Gee, I wonder why.
Leslie: What’s that supposed to mean?
Jacqueline: I once saw her eat a shrimp scampi that was sitting out for six hours.
Leslie: She said it was good.
Jacqueline: Her stomach appears to be disagreeing.
Leslie: Anyway, she can’t fly, so she’s going to miss taping for the next show.
Jacqueline: That’s fine, I’m not heartless, I understand these things happen.
Leslie: Can you, or whoever is in charge of making reservations, reach out to the hotel and ask them to extend Diane’s stay for another few days?
Jacqueline: I can try. It’s a relatively exclusive hotel, I’m not sure they’ve got a vacancy for that room.
Leslie: Well, getting her out of it is going to be a challenge that I’d like to see them try to take on.
Jacqueline: Is she that bad?
Leslie: From what Sam says, yes.
Jacqueline: Thankfully the network does have significant pull. I’m sure they can be sweet-talked into letting her stay.
Leslie: I find that threats are also a great motivator.
Jacqueline: Threats?
Leslie: Tell them there’s an extremely sick elderly woman puking her guts out in the room and they’ll need to carry her out themselves if they want to move her out of the room.
Jacqueline: I’ll take a more gentle approach first. Bribery is an excellent motivator.
Two hours later, Leslie calls Diane.
Diane: What is it, Leslie?
Leslie: How are you feeling?
Diane: Like shit. I want to just curl up and die.
Leslie: Oh, don’t say that! You’ll be through it soon, these things always get better quick.
Diane: I have nothing left in my stomach! I don’t even know what I’m puking up at this point!
Leslie: Mucus, bile, stomach acid.
Diane: Excuse me!
Diane runs off and can be heard vomiting in the background.
Charlotte: You get ahold of Diane?
Leslie: I’m listening to her hurling right now.
Charlotte: Oh, sounds like fun.
Sam: You should’ve have bothered her to begin with, this was unnecessary.
Leslie: I have to let her know she’s got the okay to stay in her hotel room. She doesn’t need to worry about that on top of the puking.
Sam: It could be a text, this is an invasion of her privacy.
Leslie: Well I’m on the phone with her now, I can’t just hang up!
Garry: Yeah, Sam!
Sam: Garry, butt out of this!
Carly: I don’t mean to worry anyone, but the flight is supposed to board in like five minutes.
Leslie: We’re sitting in the gate, I don’t think we’re going to miss it.
Carly: Well, I don’t speak… whatever language they speak here. I’ll miss it if they call us over the intercom.
Garry: We’ll be fine, honey.
Carly: We better be, I’ve always wanted to see Austria.
Sam: Yeah, it is at the top of everyone’s bucket list.
Frances: Slow down, you crazy child.
Sam: No one in this group has been a child in a very, very long time.
Frances: Not true, I’m fairly sure Melanie is currently a child.
Melanie: Aww, thank you!
Diane: Leslie! I’m back!
Leslie: Oh, good! Look, I don’t want to keep you because I know you’re under the weather. I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to worry about the hotel room, your stay has been extended for another five days. You don’t have to stay the whole time, you can fly to Austria to join us whenever you want, but you’re good to go until then.
Diane: That’s great, thank you. I was worried about check-out, I don’t have the strength to walk down the hall with my bags, let alone haul them to any other place.
Leslie: You’re good, just feel better!
Diane: Thank you, I’ll see you soon hopefully.
Leslie: Hope so! Bye!
Leslie hangs up.
Charlotte: All good?
Leslie: Yes, all good.
Sam: I don’t know if Diane or her stomach would agree.
Leslie: As good as we can expect, then.
Carly: They’re calling us I think!
Sam: How would you know?
Carly: Just the tone, it seems like they want us to come.
Frances: That’s not even coming from our gate!
Carly: How am I supposed to know?
Frances: I finally see how you ended up with Garry. You’re a nut.
Garry: Hey, she is not!
Sam: I think Frannie’s just a bit jealous of her.
Frances: I should hit you!
The next day…
Frances: Leslie, you look stressed.
Leslie: I had an early morning meeting with Jacqueline, who has been talking with some of the network executives.
Sam: I hate those words every time.
Leslie: The network has made an executive decision about this week’s episode?
Sam: It’s delayed and we get to just have a fun vacation here? That’d be a dream!
Leslie: No.
Sam: They never like us to have any fun.
Garry: We get five days a week to do whatever we want.
Sam: Garry… who asked you?
Garry: I know.
Frances: What did the network decide?
Leslie: They don’t want Sam to do the episode hosting solo. We need a co-host, and we need one fast.
Sam: They don’t believe in me?
Leslie: They view the witty banter between co-hosts as a crucial element of the show.
Sam: I’m witty all on my own.
Charlotte: Yes, you’re a perfect, precious snowflake.
Sam: Don’t taunt me.
Leslie: Our options are limited. We’re in Vienna. Not exactly a place filled with people ready to go on the air hosting a major TV show today. That brings me to my idea…
Sam: CGI Diane.
Leslie: No.
Sam: You keep shutting down my ideas.
Leslie: You keep saying things that are insane.
Garry: She got you good.
Melanie: So what’s the idea? And, before you say it, I can’t do it. I’m terrified of fame.
Leslie: Don’t worry, not you.
Melanie: Hallelujah.
Sam: Hey, you cut me off before I could bully Garry.
Garry: Thank you for that.
Leslie: Carly, you’re needed.
Carly: Me?
Frances: Her?
Garry: Great idea!
Leslie: You have a close tie to the show. How fun would it be to highlight Garry’s wife guest hosting?
Sam: That’s nepotism, I don’t like it.
Garry: Shocker, you’re opposed to something that involves me.
Sam: The world doesn’t revolve around you, man!
Leslie: Carly, how do you feel about it?
Carly: If I can help out the show, and all of you, I’ll do it. I have minimal stage experience, I just starred in a few plays when I was in school but that was decades ago.
Leslie: Don’t worry, I’m gonna tell you a secret.
Sam: Don’t you dare say what I think you’re going to!
Leslie: most of the host banter is scripted! They have teleprompters!
Carly: What? How did I never know this?
Sam: It’s a lie.
Charlotte: It’s completely true.
Leslie: Don’t worry, Carly. We got you.
Carly: I guess I have to go back to the room and pick out a nice outfit! This is exciting!
On the set…
Jacqueline: Did you find a host? The network is quite concerned about it.
Sam: I still don’t know why! I am fully capable of hosting solo. I have decades of experience.
Jacqueline: It’s not my decision.
Sam: Good way to avoid conflict. I’d admire it if it weren’t so obvious.
Leslie: We got a host. Here she is!
Jacqueline: Its that not -
Garry: My beautiful wife Carly, yes!
Jacqueline: Is this all you could find?
Leslie: We had very short notice. She’s all we have.
Carly: I will strive to impress you.
Jacqueline: I’m sure you will. Now, can we get moving on before we start running late?
Leslie: I see the lack of sleep has you in a cranky mood again!
Jacqueline: Don’t try me today.
Later that day…
Leslie: All right, ladies. It’s go time!
Sam: Hello and welcome to Bake Your Heart Out! I’m Sam Ellwood. Diane is out this week, but have no fear, she’ll be back next week! We’re joined by a special guest, a different member of the Bake Your Heart Out family - Garry’s wife!
Carly: I’m, uh… I’m… Carly…
Sam: Mollen.
Carly: Carly Mollen!
Leslie: Oy vey.
One hour later…
Carly: We finally finished!
Sam: The intro.
Leslie: You guys just take some time, let the bakers bake. It’s all good.
Frances: I’m going to say something shocking, I really miss Diane. All of her. Her cheesy jokes, he ability to properly speak on camera, somehow even the Chappell Roan music… it’s very different without her here.
Charlotte: How is she, by the way?
Sam: A bit better. Still miserable, but she says she’ll probably be here in a few days.
Leslie: Still puking her guts up?
Sam: She’s throwing up, just not like before. I assume due to having no food in her stomach.
Garry: This is a lovely conversation to have on the set of a baking show. My appetite is not ruined at all!
Sam: Austria not charming you like you were expected?
Frances: All I heard from that is that she’l be here before the week wraps up… we should have delayed taping until then.
Charlotte: Hey, if it keeps going at this speed, we’ll still be filming this episode when she gets here!
Carly: I just wanted to apologize again for how terrible I’ve been.
Leslie: You’re nervous, it’s fine. Let’s just shake those nerves out and stop giving all of us a nervous breakdown, okay?
Carly: I think I really got a hang of it by the end there. One quick question: how do you pronounce “Mozarttorte?”
Frances: It’s gonna be a long week.
Leslie: But we will get through it!
Charlotte: Don’t it always seem to go, you don’t know what you’ve got ‘till it’s gone?
What did you think of this episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read the season finale next week!
