Sam: I don’t care, Leslie, I think it’s disgusting that you’re subjecting me to this!
Leslie: What is disgusting about it?
Sam: You’re taking me into the belly of the beast! Straight into the hellhole that bred my avowed nemesis.
Diane: I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone be more dramatic about a trip to Wisconsin.
Sam: It brought Garry into the world! Why do we have to come here?
Frances: They make great cheese.
Sam: We’re a baking show. What are we gonna ask them to bake, cheddar cake?
Leslie: We have our ideas. If you could stop trying to trigger Garry and focus on the work, that’d be amazing.
Charlotte: What has ever given you the indication that work is her priority?
Sam: I am a very hard worker!
Charlotte: But you work harder at needling Garry.
Sam: That’s not work, that comes naturally. He makes it so easy!
Garry: I’m right here!
Sam: Unfortunately.
Melanie: Garry, are you from Madison?
Garry: Uh, Wisconsin Dells.
Sam: There are people who actually live in the Wisconsin Dells? My god, no wonder you’re so bizarre. You’re from a water park masquerading as a city!
Garry: We are a city of rich history, we are far more than water parks and duck boats. The Ho-Chunk and Menominee people roamed our lady. I’m actually a tenth Native American myself.
Sam: Oh my god, now he’s a Pretendian. Iron Eyes Mollen!
Garry: My Ho-Chunk ancestry is well-documented, but I don’t ever publicly claim it, because it’s so distant. I don’t want people to think I’m claiming to be something I’m not.
Sam: Well, you’re annoying, so feel free to publicly declare that.
Carly: Honey, you wanted to introduce them to your family while we’re here, right?
Sam: Oh, god, no!
Frances: I think that’d be lovely.
Carly: Don’t try to move in on my man.
Frances: Oh, trust me… I’m not. I’d rather die alone.
Garry: That hurts.
Frances: I’m no homewrecker!
Diane: Thank you, Frances. That means a lot to me.
Sam: Diane, you gotta get over it. Maybe get laid, I don’t know.
Diane: Sam! In front of our boss?
Sam: Paul’s not here.
Diane: Jacqueline is!
Sam: She’s not our boss, she’s our babysitter! Our snitch!
Jacqueline: I don’t like this any more than you lot do!
Sam: You could always quit!
Jacqueline: No, I can’t. I have a career I’m trying to reclaim.
Sam: Jacqueline, that is so sad. I almost pity you.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Wisconsin!
Sam: But not as much as I pity myself.
Melanie: Come on, it’s going to be fun!
Sam: Even you can’t possibly believe that.
Charlotte: She’s from Rhode Island, her world is very small. I assume this is quite exciting for her.
Melanie: You do know Rhode Island’s not a prison, right? We are allowed to leave and explore the world. Some of us just aren’t as negative as others.
Frances: You go, Melanie! Sass them! They deserve it!
Garry: So anyway, I’m very excited to show you all around Wisconsin. It’s the place that I love, the place that made me, well… me.
Sam: Precisely why I hate it!
Leslie: You all have taken years off my life. You know this, right?
Sam: I’m aware.
The next morning, at breakfast…
Diane: Wow, they really do have great cheese here. This is the best omelette I’ve ever had.
Sam: Thank god they do that right. It’s the least they owe us, after messing up so bad with Garry.
Carly: Are you going to harass my husband the entire week, or are you going to get a life and maybe try to be happy about something? I know how hard that would be, but I think you ought to try!
Sam: Wow! That was very nasty.
Diane: I think you earned that. You’re pretty nasty to her husband.
Nicolle: Yeah, I don’t disagree.
Sam: Oh, come on! You’re the one person who has to side with me!
Nicolle: I don’t have to do anything!
Frances: No one asked, but this cheese danish is tremendous.
Melanie: I think we need more exciting small talk to distract Sam from hating on Garry.
Garry: I actually have news to share!
Sam: Did I ask? No.
Leslie: Sam, you’re just being a bully now. It’s not funny anymore, knock it off.
Sam: Fine, mom…
Leslie: I don’t care if you’re pissed at me, I’m tired of the toxicity. You’re a grown woman, act that way.
Garry: Thank you, Leslie.
Leslie: And you! Garry, stand up to her! Don’t let her walk all over you, it’s so depressing to watch you just sit there and take it.
Garry: Will do.
Leslie: Don’t just do it because I told you! Do it because you know in your heart you don’t deserve to be mocked!
Sam: I’m concerned this is going to be a Garry-centric week.
Garry: Get used to it!
Leslie: There you go! Now, what did you have to share with us?
Garry: I have been asked by the Wisconsin Democratic Party to speak at a major campaign fundraiser for Marcus Scholl, the Democratic nominee for governor. It’s going to be here in Madison on Thursday, and they want me to do a standup set. It’s gonna be me, Bradley Whitford, and Mark Ruffalo - three proud Wisconsin natives.
Sam: Very white, that’s not very -
Leslie: Shut up. Just shut up!
Sam: I deserved that.
Garry: Anyway, I’m not a comic. I’ve never really written jokes, I don’t know how to go about it. I need some help from the comics we do have here.
Leslie: Sam, this would be a great way to get back in everyone’s good graces!
Sam: No!
Leslie: Come on. You’re being very annoying and, frankly, mean. We can all move past this if you agree to help Garry out.
Sam: All right, if it gets you all to stop whining, I’ll write Garry some jokes. Me and Diane, like the good old days.
Diane: Gosh, we haven’t written stand-up together in forever. I do kinda miss it.
Garry: I was thinking you could just give me tips. I want it to be authentically Garry.
Sam: Who would enjoy that?
Leslie: Thin ice.
Diane: I’d be happy to help you write your own material, Garry. And so would Sam.
Charlotte: This should be a fun week. At least a fifty percent chance Sam ends up in an asylum or prison.
Frances: You have an Oscar, surely you can pull some strings to get her into a nice prison when she does kill Garry.
Diane: She’s not going to kill Garry!
Sam: Yeah, it would be such a waste of my talent to kill a little shrimp man and be imprisoned forever because of it.
Garry: We are still going to the Dells this week, though. You all have to meet my family!
Carly: They live on a farm. They’re like Amish, but not Amish. Does that make sense?
Diane: So they’re Mennonites? Or Shakers?
Garry: She just means they’re not very… technologically advanced. They’re old school, but they’re very pleasant.
Sam: Are they into comedy? Maybe they can write your jokes for you!
Leslie: You’re not getting out of this! You owe him!
Sam: Fine. I owe him and his weird, Mennonite family.
Garry: They’re not Mennonites!
Sam: Close enough.
Two days later…
Garry: Guys, you’ve gonna love the Dells.
Sam: I find that very hard to imagine.
Charlotte: I will try to love it because I know you love it, Garry.
Garry: Thank you!
Frances: Michigan is superior.
Garry: That was a good pun.
Frances: It wasn’t a pun, I mean it.
Garry: I thought you were referring to Lake Superior.
Frances: I’m a Huron girl.
Sam: Are you going to make us go to the water park?
Garry: Well, my uncle Clancy did own a waterpark. It shut down though. It’s hard to talk about. There was an… incident.
Charlotte: I don’t mean offense, but everything you’ve told me about your family does imply they are quite uncivilized.
Melanie: What was the incident, Garry?
Garry: Bolts came out of the one water slide while people were riding it. It was horrible. I was fourteen years old and I was visiting that day. I’ll never unsee it. This was before regulations were as widespread. It did cause a major hit to the family fortune.
Charlotte: Fascinating.
Sam: I feel like we might get killed. Is this a Ruby Ridge situation?
Leslie: Oh my god, stop being so dramatic.
Garry: My family is very nice, uncle Clancy was just very ill-prepared. That’s all!
Sam: Children died because of him.
Garry: No one died! Paralyzed, yes. But no one died.
Sam: Okay, good to know.
Garry: He died many years ago, too. So you’re not meeting him. Just my parents, and my sister and her family. My brother moved away like me.
Sam: Hard to see why. It’s so bustling here.
Diane: I think it’s nice. I love nature, it feels like we’re in paradise.
Sam: Does it?
Diane: I’m trying to be positive.
Garry: One more thing… while we’re here, don’t mention the fundraiser tomorrow.
Diane: The one we haven’t worked on any material for whatsoever despite being twenty-four hours away?
Garry: Yeah, that one. My family are, um… this is difficult to say.
Sam: Just spit it out.
Garry: Republicans.
Sam: Oh god! You really aren’t the most vile one in the family!
Garry: Thank you, Sam. That touches the heart.
Melanie: Do they not know your political leanings?
Garry: We don’t talk about it, they don’t ask me. It’s not a secret, but it is a point of contention.
Sam: Oh, this’ll one fun.
Diane: Sam, wipe that smirk off your face.
Sam: No smirk!
Diane: I see the smirk!
Garry: Ooh, we’re here!
Charlotte: I think I wore the wrong shoes for this.
Leslie: He did tell you they lived on a farm.
Charlotte: I tuned it out!
Sam: This pains me to say, but your parents look good for their age.
Garry: That’s my sister and her husband.
Sam: Never mind.
Garry: She’s my older sister.
Sam: How much older?
Diane: Sam, knock it off!
Garry: Linda!
Linda: Garry! Welcome home! Hollywood has done a number on you!
Garry: What do you mean?
Linda: Look at that goofy getup you have on!
Sam: See, even his sister thinks he dresses stupid.
Linda: And your face! It doesn’t move right.
Garry: I got a little bit of Botox.
Sam: We gotta put this in the standup set.
Linda: Standup? Is my little brother a comedian now?
Garry: No, not really. It’s just for a work event.
Diane: Yes, Sam. A work event.
Sam: Definitely not for a Democrat fundraiser1
Garry: Sam!
Linda: Ugh, those Democrats. Eight years of ruining this state, it’s time to kick them to the curl. Say, Edwin?
Edwin: I don’t think we need to discuss politics with your brother, Linda.
Garry: I agree!
Linda: Why, are you a liberal?
Leslie: See what you’ve done, Sam?
Sam: I’m enjoying it quite a bit, yes.
Charlotte: When do we get to ride the duck boat? I was told we would get to ride something called a duck boat.
Linda: That’ll be after we show you around the farm!
Frances: Are we going to have time to visit the water park? I’ve been told you have great water parks.
Linda: We try not to talk too much about water parks. A sore subject for the family.
Sam: And yet, you live here.
Linda: I don’t like this one’s tone, Garry.
Garry: You eventually learn to live with it.
Carly: Not really.
Later that night…
Sarah (Garry’s mother): Garry, who are your friends? Aren’t you going to introduce us?
Garry: Mom, I’ve already -
Linda: Don’t get her worked up. Mom, they’re his work friends!
Sarah: I think the short-haired one is checking me out.
Sam: Nope, just staring you down for bringing my tormenter into the world.
Diane: Sam…
Sam: It’s not like she’s going to remember anything I said.
Garry: You know, we really do need to get back to the hotel. We have an early day tomorrow.
Linda: Hotel? Are you crazy? You guys gotta stay here! We have plenty of room!
Charlotte: Leslie…
Leslie: Shh.
Charlotte (whispering): I don’t want to stay here.
Leslie (whispering): I know, Charlotte.
Linda: Y’all do know that just because mom doesn’t remember and dad can’t hear anything doesn’t mean I also can’t hear or remember what you’re saying, right?
Charlotte: I’m sorry, I just have a very elaborate sleep routine, and I left everything at the hotel.
Linda: You’ll be fine!
Diane: I think this is nice!
Sam: You would.
Linda: I’m gonna get to work on dinner. Edwin, go get their rooms ready.
Edwin: Will do, honey.
Later that night…
Carly: You know, no matter how many times I stay here, I never get used to that terrifying portrait on the wall.
Melanie: It looks demonic.
Sam: Is there a reason they won’t let Nicolle and I share a room?
Frances: I think we all know the reason, Sam.
Sam: I’d like Garry to share with the class.
Garry: Sam, I can’t apologize more profusely. I thought they’d moved past the nineties-style homophobia.
Sam: This is not endearing you to me.
Garry: I’m aware.
Diane: We have to write that comedy set.
Sam: Are you crazy? They see us writing material for the Democrats, they’ll shoot us on the spot! These people are bat-crap crazy!
Diane: If Anne Frank can write a diary -
Sam: Do not compare us to Anne Frank!
Diane: I’m simply saying that writing while under duress is fully possible.
Sam: We aren’t able to talk! They hear one woke thing, we’re probably on tomorrow’s dinner menu!
Garry: You guys can write it for me. We’ll rehearse it on the way to the fundraiser tomorrow.
Sam: Are they even going to let us leave this place? I feel like we might be prisoners.
Garry: You’re talking about my family!
Sam: They don’t seem fond of me!
Leslie: I do think they have reason to dislike you.
Sam: Do you really want to defend this?
Melanie: I don’t see what’s so bad about all of this. We got to ride a fun boat tonight!
Sam: Those boats kill people.
Melanie: Not us.
Sam: Their plan went awry!
Leslie: I wonder if Jacqueline is worried about us.
Diane: I can’t imagine so.
Leslie: Paul will make sure she doesn’t forget about us if we never return. I know that much.
The next day…
Diane: See, we got out of there just fine!
Sam: They can still hunt us down for sport. We’re not out of the woods yet. These people have guns.
Garry: Sam, I can’t read your handwriting.
Sam: I wrote those jokes while fearing for my life. Just be grateful I wrote them at all!
Garry: But I c-
Sam: Don’t give me any crap after last night. You go impress your little friends with your own jokes if you can’t put in the effort to decipher what I wrote! Last night was a nightmare!
Garry: You have a fair point, and I truly can not apologize enough for my family’s lack of hospitality.
Frances: I feel like we’re missing someone.
Leslie: Charlotte? We’re missing Charlotte.
Frances: Let’s see the Oscar get her out of this one!
What did you think of this week's episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
