Sam: I don’t understand why we’re backtracking. We went all the way east, then we’ve traveled all the way west, now we’re going east again. There’s no logic to it.
Leslie: Is there anything you don’t complain about?
Garry: She went on a rant about our boss and network on live TV and our boss apologized to her and she even managed to complain about that!
Sam: I didn’t like his martyr act. He came in and acted like he was being this big hero because he wasn’t holding my comments against him and he was renewing our show. Such a drama queen. And screw you, by the way, Jacqueline.
Jacqueline: I didn’t even say anything!
Sam: The way you looked at me was enough.
Charlotte: Well, I’m incredibly glad to be going to Salt Lake City. I’ll be back very soon to film my new film, which is already getting Oscar buzz!
Frances: How can it be getting Oscar buzz before it’s even been filmed?
Charlotte: The script is that fantastic! You should read it! But then that would spoil it for you. It’ll be even better once every wonderful part of our artistic community gets involved in bringing it to audiences.
Frances: Okay.
Charlotte: That’s all you have to say? I could be winning my second Oscar! I might be the new Emma Stone!
Frances: You’re older than the actual Emma Stone!
Charlotte: What an unkind thing to point out.
Garry: Well, I’m sure you’re going to be great in this movie, which will surely also be great.
Sam: What a kiss-ass!
Diane: I hope it’s actually a quality film, unlike that disaster you made last year.
Charlotte: Please don’t remind me of that movie. They had me in Razzie conversations for it. You think you’re safe working with a trusted Hollywood name, but I guess Francis Ford Coppola doesn’t make movies like he used to!
Sam: I thought it was hilarious. That should’ve been your Oscar.
Charlotte: Don’t mock me, Samantha.
Sam: Don’t you dare call me that! Only my late mother called me that.
Nicolle: She was an evil bigot.
Sam: She was a complicated woman.
Nicolle: She sprayed bug repellent in my face when you brought me to her house to meet her.
Diane: She must have mixed up lesbians and locusts.
Nicolle: No, she was just pure evil.
Sam: But I loved her anyway.
Nicolle: I grew up in rural Georgia and she was still the most bigoted person I’ve ever met.
Melanie: That’s an accomplishment.
Garry: I’m lucky to have been raised in an accepting home.
Sam: Your family tried to kill us all two weeks ago and kicked you out when they found out you, a sixty year old man, were a Democrat.
Garry: We all have familial spats!
Leslie: Not my mom and I.
Charlotte: Why are we all talking about our parents?
Diane: Because you called Sam by her full name and it triggered her PTSD.
Leslie: I think we’re landing, time to be quiet so the pilot can focus!
Sam: That’s not a rule.
Melanie: Also, I don’t think we’re landing.
Leslie: I just need Sam quiet, okay? My god, every minute of every day it’s something with you.
Diane: Maybe she has ADHD.
Sam: I do not! You’re not a therapist!
Frances: She’s not, but you should certainly see one.
Sam: Why would I need to see a therapist?
Garry: I can think of a few reasons.
Carly: Good for you, Garry. Put her in her place!
The next day, at breakfast…
Frances: Not to imply that I care, but does anyone know where Charlotte is?
Sam: Aww, you do like her.
Frances: I just said I don’t care.
Sam: Your words aren’t aligning with your behavior.
Frances: I just don’t want to be late for work.
Leslie: When have you guys ever cared about that?
Frances: I would like to be stuck in Utah for as short a time as possible.
Diane: Come on, it’s a beautiful state!
Melanie: Yeah, we’re gonna go to Arches National Park later this week!
Frances: That’s the problem! You people keep making me walk and hike and exercise. I’m old, I’m exhausted!’
Sam: You’re younger than Diane!
Frances: Thank you, I do take pride in that.
Diane: I don’t think it was necessary to rub it in, was it?
Sam: Eh. It’s always fun for me to point it out.
Nicolle: I’m enjoying all the exploring we’re doing this year. I feel like I’m getting to enjoy the retirement most people only dream of having.
Sam: You’re welcome, honey.
Diane: Are you actually retired? I thought you were just freelance now? That’s still work.
Nicolle: I can count on two hands the number of investigative articles I’ve written since I stepped away from the paper. I think I can safely consider myself retired.
Sam: But when you do write articles, they sure are great! And very… investigative.
Nicolle: Do you not read my articles?
Sam: You don’t tell me when they come out, and you don’t put them out on any sort of schedule!
Nicolle: I think you can tell when I’m busy getting work done.
Frances: We’re from Hollywood, dear, you’ll have to be more clear. “Getting work done” means something different for us.
Sam: Yeah, just look at poor Garry!
Garry: I had a small amount of botox, that’s it!
Sam: You look like Vicki Gunvalson!
Garry: I do not!
Diane: Who is Vicki Gunvalson?
Garry: My least-favorite Real Housewife.
Sam: You know when we watched Longlegs together for Halloween last year? She looks like Longlegs. And Garry looks like her.
Diane: I don’t think Garry looks like Longlegs. He’s just a bit shinier than the average person, his forehead’s a bit stiff.
Sam: His nose…
Garry: I have not had a rhinoplasty!
Sam: Right there! Only someone who’s had a nose job would call it a “rhinoplasty” instead of a “nose job!”
Sam: Nose job sounds sexual.
Frances: You guys must be doing it differently than I do.
Sam: Well, that would imply they’re doing it at all.
Leslie: We need to change the subject, I feel my omelette coming back up.
Sam: Yeah, I need coffee. Sadly, it’s illegal here in Utah.
Diane: I’m drinking it right now. You just refused to order it because “Mormons don’t make good coffee.”
Sam: If they can’t drink it, no way they know how to prepare it.
Diane: Not everyone here is Mormon!
Charlotte: I am bereft.
Frances: I didn’t realize bereft was a synonym for “late” now.
Charlotte: I’m not having a good morning, Frances.
Sam: Think of how I feel. I’m eating breakfast with Garry! He’s eaten about six pancakes and somehow hasn’t gotten any syrup on his sweater.
Charlotte: That’s nothing compared to what I’ve just learned!
Sam: That remains to be seen.
Charlotte: A Desert’s Night has been scrapped!
Sam: Have the Republicans banned nighttime in the Mojave?
Diane: We’re in the Great Basin Desert, actually.
Sam: As if I care!
Frances: A Desert’s Night was the name of her new movie. The one with the Oscar buzz.
Charlotte: I feel as if my second little golden man has been ripped from my hands.
Leslie: I mean, chances are, a young up-and-comer was going to rip it from your hands in the end, anyway.
Diane: Yeah, like Amy Madigan, or Jamie Lee Curtis, or you.
Charlotte: Did you just imply I’m as old as Aunt Gladys and Laurie Strode?
Diane: You guys all poke fun at my age!
Charlotte: I’m in a time of need! My heart is shattered!
Garry: You’re an Oscar-winning star who also appears on the #1 show on TV. You’ll find another project again soon.
Charlotte: You don’t get it! This movie is perfect! I loved the script, I was going to work with a stellar cast and a brilliant creative team, and it’s been taken from me because the studio doesn’t think it’ll be profitable enough. Doug Verner says that the company is going to focus on developing films tied to existing properties, because the economic risk is lower. I think that’s ludicrous! Think of all the defending films of our industry - Citizen Kane, Ben-Hur, Lawrence of Arabia, Gone with the Wind - they wouldn’t make them today, because they’re too risky! It’s insidious!
Diane: Technically, Ben-Hur was a remake. And Gone with the Wind was based on a book. And Lawrence of Arabia sort of was, too. Other than that, you’ve got a point.
Charlotte: I didn’t realize you were such a Hollywood scholar!
Diane: You said that with such disgust in your voice.
Charlotte: Because you’re saying it to get a dig in at me!
Diane: I am not! I’m just pointing out that they weren’t as original as Night Desert, or… what was it called?
Charlotte: A Desert’s Night!
Diane: Yes, A Desert’s Night.
Leslie: Could they still shop it to another studio?
Sam: I think I could guilt Paul into ordering it as a miniseries.
Charlotte: It’s not a TV show! This a quality, sprawling, three-hour romantic melodrama epic!
Sam: I’m already beginning to see why it’s been scrapped.
Charlotte: Why, because it’s three hours? Nolan and Scorsese have shown that three-hour films can be done well and make money!
Sam: But a three-hour romantic melodrama set in Utah?
Charlotte: It was a visionary piece of work! And now, no one will see it! I plan to take my fight public.
Frances: That seems unwise.
Charlotte: I don’t see how.
Frances: You don’t want to look foolish.
Charlotte: I’ll be standing up for art! People ought to stand up for art!
Frances: I agree. I just don’t want you to be blacklisted for positioning yourself as some sort of anti-studio crusader. You need the studios to still want to hire you when this is all said and done.
Diane: I see what Frances is saying. But I also think it’s important to stand up for art, and if these studios keep pushing it aside to just remake the same movies and shows over and over to avoid the risks, then that’s the beginning of the end of the artistic community. We have to stand up for it.
Charlotte: Thank you! I’m taking to Instagram!
Sam: Well, that is what activism is these days: making Instagram posts.
Charlotte: That won’t be all I do. Maybe I can even start my own production company!
Garry: That would be a huge undertaking!
Sam: Is Garry implying that women can’t start production companies? What a misogynist!
Garry: I did not -
Sam: Your career’s over, buddy!
Carly: Well, at least she called you “buddy.”
Later that day, at the set…
Jacqueline: Where on earth have you been? No call, no text, no email nothing!
Sam: Email? What’s next, you’ll be upset we didn’t send you a fax?
Leslie: I’m sorry, Jacqueline. We were at breakfast and we had to help Charlotte navigate a crisis.
Jacqueline: What sort of crisis?
Charlotte: My movie’s been shelved, and I’m furious! I deserved this! This script deserved to be made!
Jacqueline: Oh no, it’s my fellow Brit causing the hold-up. This is so embarrassing for me on a personal level.
Charlotte: How so?
Jacqueline: I must’ve been blinded by nationalism, because you were always my favorite.
Sam: Not me?
Jacqueline: I’m not even dignifying that with a response.
Charlotte: Jacqueline, this lack of empathy is why everyone here has problems with you.
Leslie: Not everyone. Some of us don’t want a bad report to the boss.
Diane: I try very hard to tolerate you. Sometimes, I even manage it.
Frances: And Diane is never mean, so that is an intense drag coming from her.
Jacqueline: I think I might manage to live.
Diane: Such a bitch
Frances: Oh my god, Diane!
Diane: I’m feeling feisty today, these business executives are getting under my skin. First they hurt my good friend Charlotte, now Jacqueline’s giving us a hard time. We’re here to work, let’s get to work.
Sam: Yeah, I can’t wait for, uh… what kind of desserts do the Mormons eat? Garry, you watch that show about Mormon Wives, you tell me.
Leslie: Again, not everyone here in Utah is a Mormon!
Sam: It’s the only thing I know about Utah!
Leslie: I can tell.
The next day…
Frances: Charlotte, you look… did you sleep last night?
Charlotte: Two hours!
Frances: Oh my.
Diane: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to distract Jacqueline so you can nap on the set.
Charlotte: I don’t need to nap, I’m fully awake!
Frances: On two hours of sleep? Does it work differently over there?
Sam: The bags under her eyes point to “no.”
Charlotte: I do not have bags under my eyes!
Sam: Did you look in the mirror this morning?
Charlotte: I was too busy making up my plan to get back at Doug Verner and Skyline Studios.
Sam: okay. I don’t mean this to be nasty -
Melanie: You don’t mean that.
Sam: - but you are sounding like a mad scientist that they have to put in a psychiatric hospital. How are you getting back at the production studio?
Charlotte: I’m going to organize a protest.
Sam: How so?
Charlotte: I’m going to LA and I’m standing outside in protest of this decision and in favor of original art! And I’m going to post about it on Instagram so other people know to show up. I’ve already contacted my co-stars about it. No one’s responded, but it’s early in the day. I need these executives to see the power of the people.
Sam: I have respect for your stubbornness and your determination to get this project made, but I don’t know if this will do much of anything besides making you look silly.
Charlotte: Having passion is silly now?
Sam: No, but you’re planning to do the protest when exactly?
Charlotte: tomorrow!
Sam: So a protest with one day’s notice. All in favor of a movie no one’s heard of, read, or seen a second of. This just has disaster written all over it.
Charlotte: You were the one who gave me flack for apparently thinking an Instagram post is activism.
Sam: I now think that that would be the appropriate amount of activism in this situation. Take the high road and move on to the next project.
Melanie: I actually do agree.
Charlotte: You’re just saying that because you want to go to the park tomorrow!
Melanie: No, I’m saying it as your friend. Also, I am going to the park tomorrow.
Charlotte: You wouldn’t come to LA to support me?
Leslie: She has work to do later this week.
Charlotte: That won’t impact tomorrow!
Diane: Charlotte, just give this some thought. Don’t jump into anything, the emotions are still so raw.
Charlotte: If you’re saying it, then it must be a bad idea.
Diane: No, I’m not saying that.
Charlotte: It’s fine, really. I’m just upset that my passion project is canned. I’ll move on to something else. I’m sorry I’ve been so annoying about this the last few days.
Diane: You do not need to apologize for your emotions.
Sam: Well, she -
Diane: Shh.
Melanie: I’m sorry I wasn’t supportive. I really do feel bad for you. I just want you to not do anything that you’ll be embarrassed of down the line. I think taking this movie cancellation on the chin and moving on would be the best thing for you.
Charlotte: Let me just think on it. Also, I’m sort of crashing now. I think I need to get some sleep.
Diane: Like I said, I’ll cover for you!
Charlotte: Thank you guys for listening to my ranting. I just really wanted to make this movie. Now, I’m going to rest in the car. I’ll see you guys after breakfast.
Diane: You sure you want to skip breakfast?
Charlotte: I need sleep more than food.
Sam: There will be plenty of food on the set, good choice.
Leslie: Guys, I have to run to the bathroom. If the waitress comes back, I want my usual.
Sam: What’s your usual?
Leslie: You don’t know?
Sam: I guess I’m not as nosy as everybody else!
Leslie walks to the back of the restaurant and calls Paul.
Leslie: Paul! Great to -
Paul: What favor do you need now?
Leslie: What if I just wanted to talk?
Paul: I know how this works.
Leslie: All right, I’ll fess up. I need you to put in a good word for one of my cast members.
Paul: Has someone gotten themselves arrested? My god.
Leslie: No, you have a lot of friends in the industry. A lot of friends at our network’s parent company, even! They make movies!
Paul: Does someone have a script?
Leslie: Sort of! Charlotte is madly in love with the script for a movie she was just about to start filming. Skyline scrapped it for financial reasons. I need you to work your magic and see if you can save it.
Paul: Text me the details, and I’ll see what I can do. I make no promises, though.
Leslie: I appreciate you even taking some time out of your busy day for this.
Paul: Wow, you really want this. You’re laying it on thick!
Leslie: What can I say? For whatever reason, I’m. Loyal to my friends.
The next day…
Charlotte: Guys! You’ll never believe this!
Frances: You somehow won another Oscar?
Charlotte: Sort of! Anne Decklin, the director of A Desert’s Night, just called me and told me that talks have ramped up to get the movie picked up by a mystery studio. She wouldn’t tell me any details beyond that, because she was afraid I’d post them on Instagram, but there is hope! It won’t film this year now, but it can still see the light of day!
Leslie: That is… shockingly good news. I’m very happy for you!
Sam: Thank god we won’t have to hear about this movie anymore.
Frances: Well, not until Oscar time, that is.
What did you think of this week's episode of Bake Your Heart Out? Let us know in the comments and make sure to read a new episode next week!
